Episode 213
Original airdate: November 18, 1999
Performers: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Superheroes: Brad, as Suicide Boy, solves tight underwear
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Colin and Ryan are competing poodle
showers -- Cheech and Chong, Richard Simmons, puppets, "Romper Room,"
sports replay
Props: Colin and Ryan have several brown tubes attached by rope, Brad and
Wayne have two foam springs
Motown Group: Brad, Wayne, and Ryan sing about brushing teeth
The Millionaire Show: Brad hosts, Ryan is the contestant, Wayne is in the
audience, Colin is on the phone -- the topic is Ryan's sex life
Hoedown: Brad, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about family reunions
Credits: Colin and Ryan are umpires throwing players out
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...Suicide Boy is wearing nothing but underwear throughout the whole
scene?
...Drew doesn't use porno?
...Colin and Ryan do a very good job of recreating the beginning of the
scene?
...Brad thinks he's sharing a prop with Ryan?
...despite it being an obvious parody of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?",
even using some of the same terminology (lifelines), for some reason
they can't come out and directly say it?
...Ryan mixes up some of the choices on the final question (but still
manages an even distribution of letters)?
...Ryan's phone call lasts about 33 or 34 seconds?
...Brad yawns as the credit reading begins?
References
"King Lear" (play)
- "Out, vile jelly!"
"Henry V" (play)
- "Once more into the breach, dear friends"
"Hamlet" (play)
- "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."
"The Merchant of Venice" (play)
- "Let me play the fool."
"Sweatin' to the Oldies"
- Colin references it in FT&TS
"Inspector Gadget" (TV)
- Wayne acts the cartoon character
"Home Improvement" (TV)
- Ryan impersonates Wilson
"Winnie the Pooh" (TV)
- Wayne impersonates Tigger
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" (TV)
- the entire concept of The Millionaire Show
Miscellaneous
Drew's line about selling kidneys on eBay is a reference to an actual event.
In late August of 1999, a "fully functional kidney" was offered on eBay. Bids
for the kidney reaches heights of $5.7 million and more before the auction
was stopped by eBay officials. It is unknown whether the offer was legitimate
(the message accompanying the auction was very polite about it, giving the
top bidder the choice of either kidney, and also stating upfront that the
bidder would have to pay all transplant and medical costs), but since federal
law makes it illegal to sell human organs, the sale had to be shut down.
Now if THIS isn't strange...
This episode marked the first appearance of the novelty game "The Millionaire
Show," a direct spoof of ABC's megahit game show "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire?". It first aired on November 18, directly after viewers saw a
man named John Carpenter get into the hot seat and answer two questions
before the show ran out of time for that evening. The next night, "Who Wants
to be a Millionaire?" aired again, with Carpenter returning. It became the
famous night where the million dollars was first given away. The answer to
the million-dollar question? Richard Nixon.
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: Out, vile jelly. Brad Sherwood! Once more into the breach,
dear friends. Wayne Brady! Something's rotten in the state of Colin Mochrie!
And let me play the fool. Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on
down, let's have some fun. Hello. Good evening. Welcome to "Whose Line is it
Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
That's right, the points are like TV Guide on your wedding night. If you're
lucky, they don't matter. If you've never seen the show before, what happens
is, these guys are going to come up, they're going to make everything up for
you right off the top of their heads. And then after every game we give them
points. I don't know why, it's a little gag we have left over from the show
when it was in England. Then at the end of the show we pick a winner, the
winner gets to do something a little special, and the loser gets to sell
their kidney on eBay. Let's start the show off with a game called
Superheroes. This is for all four of you. Brad, you're going to start, and
Ryan, Colin, and Wayne, you're going to join him. And they're going to name
each other as they come in. What we need from the audience is a suggestion
for the name of an unlikely superhero.
(several audience members yell "Suicide Boy!")
DREW: Suicide Boy, okay. They want it so bad, I hate to deny them, you know.
They were on the bus on the way over, "We're going to do Suicide Boy." So
what kind of crisis does Suicide Boy have to deal with?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Tight underwear? Okay. Suicide Boy, there's tight underwear all over
the world. What are we going to do?
(Brad pantomimes putting on very tight underwear)
BRAD: Oh, what a miserable day. Sweet propane, take me away. (He turns on a
stove and sticks his face inside, trying to breathe in the fumes. He then
takes some pills and flips through a couple of books.) Ah, Dylan Thomas, ah,
Sylvia Plath. (he puts his head back in the stove) This isn't working, it's
an electric stove. (he begins to hang himself)
RYAN: Oh, you're still here. I thought I'd come over and grab your stereo,
but you're still alive.
BRAD: Thank God you're here, Yodeling Pogo Stick Man.
RYAN: Ohdelelele lelele lehoohoo. Hooheehee ahheehee.
BRAD: Everyone's underwear is too tight in the world, including mine.
RYAN: I thought you were just happy to see me. Aoolelele lelelele leheehee.
Ahheehee...
COLIN: I hurried over as quickly as I could.
RYAN: Oh, Captain Blood Loss.
(Colin becomes weak in the knees and can barely stand up)
BRAD: That's really depressing. I wish I were brave enough to do it that
way.
(Colin drops to his knees)
RYAN: He's deadaledaledaled heehee...
WAYNE: Sorry I'm late.
COLIN: Thank God you're here, Cowboy Stunt Rider.
WAYNE: What can I do for you? Whoo!
(Wayne twirls a lasso and starts riding a horse. He rides it sideways, spins
around, and stands on his hands. He gets up and starts jumping through the
lasso. He then ropes Colin and tries to ride him, only to have Colin fall on
the floor.)
RYAN: He's riding a cow alalowheehee, riding a cowheehee, riding a
cowheehee.
BRAD: Here, use my rope.
WAYNE: Hey, I know what we'll do. We'll just take a little bit of this rope
and stretch out everyone's underwear and they'll all be big.
RYAN: That's a solutionalalaleelalutionhee.
WAYNE: I'll see you guys later. I'm going to ride me this filly over here.
Whoo!
(Wayne goes over to Drew's desk, gets behind Drew, and starts to ride him.
Drew tries to swat Wayne away.)
BRAD: That almost makes me want to live.
COLIN: I'm going to try clot.
(Ryan is still bouncing up and down, his hands cupped over one another near
his waist, and also moving up and down)
RYAN: Well, I got to goheehee, ohheehee. Next time I'm actually going to get
a pogo stick.
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. That was great. Thousand points apiece. You know,
it's good to know that if trouble rears its ugly head, Captain Blood Loss
will be there. Let's go on to a game called Film, TV, and Theater Styles.
This is for Ryan and Colin. They're going to act out a scene, I'm going to
make them adopt different styles of film, TV, or theater. And what I need
from the audience is those styles of film, theater, or TV.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Porno. Okay. Puppets...
RYAN: (laughing) Sports replay.
DREW: Sports replay, okay. Cheech and Chong, Richard Simmons. What kind of
movie?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Scary.
DREW: (imitating audience member) Scary movie. We got a lot here, we'll
never get through them, okay, here we go. Here's the scene. Ryan and Colin
are two high-strung poodle owners competing against each other in a national
dog show. Start out normal, and I'll bring you in with the other styles in a
minute.
(Ryan's poodle ferociously attacks Colin's leg. Colin looks down and stomps
on it, sending it retreating to Ryan, who pulls it up by its leash. Colin
picks up his dog.)
COLIN: You keep that poodle away from me.
RYAN: Excuse me. My poodle is... was grand champion.
COLIN: Well, now it's time for Fluffy to take the crown.
RYAN: Oh, really?
(buzzer)
DREW: Cheech and Chong.
RYAN: Put the puppy on the floor, let it go.
(Colin takes a bite out of his dog)
RYAN: No, don't eat the puppy!
(buzzer)
DREW: Richard Simmons.
RYAN: You can't eat puppy and expect to lose weight.
COLIN: What do you mean?
RYAN: Get up here and work with me.
COLIN: Time to sweat with the goldie retrievers.
RYAN: And heel and heel and two and three and four. And four. You're doing
good. You're doing good, you're good. You're good, you're good, you're good.
(buzzer)
DREW: Puppets.
(Colin drops his dog and walks awkwardly)
RYAN: Your dog can hardly walk at all. (his mouth continues to move)
COLIN: I'm telling you. (His mouth continues to move until Ryan weakly
backhands him. Colin's left arms falls and swings.)
(buzzer)
DREW: "Romper Room."
RYAN: And that's how we move in different directions.
COLIN: Well, it's time to see who's out there to judge our dogs. (they look
into a mirror)
RYAN: Oh. Those are a lot of judges.
COLIN: Well, judges are good.
(buzzer)
DREW: Sports replay.
COLIN: Let's see that again.
(In slow motion, Ryan's poodle ferociously attacks Colin's leg. Colin looks
down and stomps on it, sending it retreating to Ryan, who pulls it up by its
leash. Colin picks up his dog.)
(buzzer)
(they return to their seats)
DREW: I'd give you points, but Colin's really starting to believe in them.
So we're going to skip that part. Move on to a game called Props. This is for
all of you. Ryan and Colin, here's your prop. Brad and Wayne, that's your
prop.
(Ryan and Colin have several brown poles connected by white strips. Brad and
Wayne have two large, spring-shaped foam tubes)
DREW: The idea is, they've got to come up with as many ideas as they can
with these props, going back and forth. Starting with Ryan and Colin, I'll
buzz in between each idea, go ahead, start.
(Ryan holds the prop up to his mouth)
RYAN: I am a smoker, how'd you know that? (buzz)
(Brad holds one prop on each side of his face, like sideburns)
BRAD: As your rabbi, I want you to come to temple. (buzz)
(Colin holds the prop over his stomach)
COLIN: I really had to work out to get this stomach. (buzz)
(Wayne stands on the two props)
WAYNE: Go go gadget feet. (buzz)
(Ryan extends the prop and stands behind it)
RYAN: You're looking kind of down, Tim. (buzz)
(Brad picks a prop up off the floor)
BRAD: Man, I'm tired of cleaning the giant's shower drain.
WAYNE: Hurry up. (buzz)
(Colin climbs up the prop to see Ryan)
COLIN: You're not Rapunzel. (buzz)
(Wayne holds one prop to his head)
WAYNE: I've only got one Jerry curl left over from the eighties. (buzz)
(Ryan wears the prop over his head like a wig)
RYAN: My judgment is he shall hang from the gallows! (buzz)
(Wayne holds one prop up like a tail and bounces)
WAYNE: The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things...
(buzz)
RYAN: Get out of my yard. (he drops the prop like Venetian blinds) (buzz)
BRAD: I feel kind of... blegh! (he extends the prop from his mouth) (buzz)
(Ryan and Colin hold the prop across from one another)
RYAN: Not this time, Indiana Jones! (he drops his end toward Colin)
(buzzer)
DREW: All right, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
right after this. Don't go away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Well, that was close. We
barely got the keg out of here. Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?",
the show were everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right,
the points are like an Epilady in France. Okay, let's move on to the game
called Motown Group. Brad, Wayne, and Ryan, plus Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.
Let's have from the audience a suggestion of an everyday activity they do
at...
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Brushing your teeth. Okay. You guys are going to do the hit song, the
hit Motown hit, "Do the Toothbrush" with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor, you're
each going to sing a verse. So whenever you're ready, go ahead and start.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Oh, now this song, it takes me way way back
Back to my bathroom where I use this to get rid of plaque
Well, gingivitis might make you sick
So I think you want to use a Water Pik
Do the toothbrush, yeah yeah
RYAN: I brush my teeth, oh don't you know, I ain't dumb
And when I'm done with my teeth I take the bristles right across my
gums
Whoa, sometimes I think, "why do I bother?"
I keep them in a big glass of water
They ain't real
Look, they come right out
BRAD: Well, make sure that your teeth aren't at a loss
Oh, grab on on that little rope and do a little floss
Oh, baby, you got to get inside them
Ooh, so keep on brushing all your teeth and your gums or you'll get
gingivitis
So baby baby do the toothbrush
WAYNE: Yeah yeah
BRAD: Do the toothbrush
WAYNE: All right, everybody, it's a brand new dance.
Take your finger, come on, now put it in your mouth
And get some toothpaste and it moves it all about, come on
Hey come on, (making noises with finger and lips)
(making noises with finger and lips)
Hey, do the tooth...
(they all spit)
BRAD: Do the toothbrush
WAYNE: Oh, do the toothpaste
(Brad gargles)
WAYNE: Oh, do the toothbrush, yeah
Do it
Thank you.
(buzzer)
DREW: Oh man, I see a new dance craze sweeping the nation, that's what I
see.
WAYNE: That's going to catch on in all the clubs.
DREW: Oh man, I'm telling you. ("raising the roof") All right, here we go.
Ten thousand points for all of you, that was great.
BRAD: Whoo-hoo.
RYAN: This is my favorite part. (he places his finger in his mouth)
DREW: And for you kids watching at home, for you kids watching at home,
remember, the less homework you do, the closer you sit to the TV, the more
points you get. Next we're going to do The Millionaire Show. It's a game
called The Millionaire Show. This is for Brad and Ryan, Colin, you're the guy
on the phone, Wayne, you're the guy up in the audience that he gets, the two
lifelines, phone and audience. What we're going to do is, instead of general
knowledge questions, we're going to have Brad ask Ryan about things from his
personal life. Now what I need from the audience is an area of Ryan's life
that these questions are about.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bedroom.
DREW: Bedroom. Okay, sex life.
(Ryan waves to the man who made the suggestion. The man waves back.)
DREW: Brad, whenever you're ready, start the show.
BRAD: (enthusiastically) Hello, people, and welcome to The Millionaire Show.
I am so excited to be here today to try and give away one million dollars.
Now this little genius smartypants right next to me has answered all but
three questions on his way to one million dollars. So, why don't you tell
everybody what your name is and what you do for a living.
RYAN: I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver,
a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States.
BRAD: That's terrific, Jim. All right, I have lots of amphetamines rushing
through my system right now. I'm just so pleased to be anywhere without Kathy
Lee Crosby. Okay.
(Ryan says something to Brad, but it appears to be muted out)
BRAD: Whatever. Whatever her name is.
RYAN: Is that my first question?
BRAD: No, it's not. All right, for $250,000, this is about your life in the
bedroom. Your wife makes you dress up like one of the Teletubbies. It's the
tallest, purple one. Is that Teletubby A: Tinky Winky, B: Richard Nixon, C:
Thor, god of thunder, or D: A jar of almonds?
RYAN: It's just too crazy, it could be true, I would say D: A jar of
almonds.
BRAD: Is that your final answer?
RYAN: Yes, that is my final answer.
BRAD: I'll ask you one more time, is that your final answer?
RYAN: No, I'll change it to Tinky Winky.
BRAD: Oh. All right then. So your final answer is Tinky Winky. Oh, I'm, I'm
so sorry that's your answer. That's such a shame you came all the way to New
York to get the answer right!
RYAN: Yeah! Yeah!
BRAD: Oh yes!
RYAN: Oh, I thought my heart, going like this. My goodness.
BRAD: My goodness, this is exciting, isn't it? Oh. Good God. All right. This
is for 500,000. You ready for this next one?
RYAN: I am ready.
BRAD: All right, this next question is about foreplay in your bedroom. Now,
the first thing you use is A: A feather, B: Massage balm, C: Richard Nixon,
D: A jar of almonds.
RYAN: I think I'm going to have to go up into the crowd.
BRAD: All right, you're going to use one of your lifelines.
RYAN: Yes, I'd like to ask my twin brother Jimmy for help here. Jimmy?
WAYNE: Hey.
RYAN: I need help, I'm going with the almonds again unless you can talk me
out of it. Hey, wait a minute, what do you use in the bedroom?
WAYNE: Richard Nixon. (he does a Nixon impression)
BRAD: I have to ask you for your answer. This is for $500,000.
RYAN: Richard Nixon sounds good, but I'm going to go with D: A jar of
almonds.
WAYNE: Oh, dude, you... ass.
BRAD: Is that your final answer?
RYAN: It is my final answer.
BRAD: A jar of almonds is your final answer. Oh, it's such a shame. We tape
this show, we waste all this time to try and give you away all that money and
then you say jar of almonds, which is the right answer!
RYAN: It is the right answer!
BRAD: It's the right answer!
RYAN: I knew it was, I put them up there...
BRAD: I'm so excited for you. All right, Jim. This is the $1,000,000
question. Are you ready to answer this question?
RYAN: I am ready indeed.
BRAD: If you get this right, I'll give you a million dollars and I'll show
you some loving like you've never seen. Here is the question. It's a trick
question.
RYAN: Okay.
BRAD: Is the answer to this question A: B, B: C, C: A, or D: D?
RYAN: Boy, I hope I get this right, I could really use that loving. I'm
going to have to phone someone.
BRAD: You're going to use your lifeline and phone someone.
RYAN: Call it what you want, I want to phone someone.
BRAD: All right, then.
(Ryan dials the phone)
COLIN: Hello.
RYAN: Harry.
COLIN: Hi.
RYAN: Hi, I'm on the show with the guy.
COLIN: Oh.
RYAN: I need some help.
COLIN: Who is this?
RYAN: It's your dad.
COLIN: Oh, dad, hi.
RYAN: Hi. How's everything at school?
COLIN: Fine.
RYAN: Good. Have you been studying your math and your letters?
COLIN: For God's sake, dad, I'm 34.
RYAN: Okay, look, here are the answers, I need your help. Is it A: C, B: A,
C: B, or D: D?
COLIN: Oh, wait, is this a trick question?
RYAN: Yeah, it is.
COLIN: The answer is meat.
RYAN: Meat.
COLIN: Meat.
RYAN: What letter is that? Jimmy, hello? Jimmy?
BRAD: Oh, I'm sorry. I had to cut you off because I was tired of listening
to you talk. Now, you have to answer. You can also go off the board for your
fifth answer, E:, of course, Jar of almonds. Now, what is your answer to this
question?
RYAN: D was D?
BRAD: D was D.
RYAN: I'm going to have to say D.
BRAD: Are you sure that your final answer is D?
RYAN: No, it's A.
BRAD: Are you sure?
RYAN: I want to take C on this one.
BRAD: So if you're saying your answer is C, that means the answer is B, is
that what you're saying?
RYAN: Which one was the jar of almonds?
BRAD: E.
RYAN: Then I'm taking B.
BRAD: All right, then. B is C.
RYAN: C is not A, though.
BRAD: Yes, it is.
RYAN: I'll take A then.
BRAD: All right. Is that your final answer?
RYAN: No, I'm changing to A.
BRAD: All right, your final answer is A: Richard Nixon.
RYAN: Sí, it is.
BRAD: All right. Is that your final answer?
RYAN: That is my final answer.
BRAD: All right. Well, I'm so sorry to tell you that you've wasted all of
our time here today by choosing B... but you've won a million dollars!
(Brad and Ryan wildly embrace)
(buzzer)
DREW: We'll be right back, find out who the winner is, don't go away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner, these
three guys right here. Ryan, Colin, and Brad are the winners,
congratulations. And the winners get to do something special with me. And
what we're going to do for you tonight is a Hoedown with the help of Laura
Hall on the piano. Laura Hall, how about it, we're going to do a Hoedown.
What I need from the audience is a suggestion of something you hate about
your relatives.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Oh, family reunions you don't like, oh. Good one, that's a good one.
Let's do the family reunion Hoedown, take it away, Laura.
(music begins)
BRAD: Every family reunion is such an awful night
It's my whole family getting in a fight
Then later on, they try and do a dance
But it's not a family reunion 'til my uncle drops his pants
DREW: Don't like talking about my family
No siree Bob, that's not the subject for me
But let me ask you a question, tell me, Jack
Am I adopted? 'Cause the rest of my family's black
(Wayne comes out and hugs Drew)
COLIN: A family reunion about which I'm about to sing
Strange things are always happening
I went to see my favorite uncle but he was not there
He had an operation, now he is my Aunt Claire
RYAN: I want to see my relatives, but don't you know it's not right
Every time we get together all we do is fight
I want to see my family, but don't you know I can't
We are from the south and my sister is my aunt
ALL: My sister is my aunt
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this. Don't go
away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight with Ryan and Colin reading the credits for you. I want you to read
the credits like two baseball umpires throwing players out of the game. Good
night everybody, thanks for watching, see you next time.
COLIN: Dan Patterson, you shut up, or you're out of this game.
RYAN: Jimmy Mulville, you're out, you can't grab yourself there on TV.
COLIN: Mark Leveson, get out. Get out right now. You are out of here!
RYAN: Drew Carey's out of here, you can't call people that.
(Wayne pushes Ryan)
RYAN: Oh, you're out of here. You're out of here. I don't want to talk to
you again.
COLIN: Steven Blum, you are out! You are out of here!
BRAD: Do I have to leave?
COLIN: Yeah, you do.
RYAN: I don't care how many hit home runs you've hit.
COLIN: Lori Benson, out. Dick Bugsly, out.
RYAN: I really don't care. Get out.
WAYNE: No.
RYAN: Bug off.
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)