Episode 217

Original airdate: March 16, 2000
Performers: Wayne Brady, Karen Maruyama, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Questions Only: a soap opera set in a plastic surgeon's office
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Chanel the Polynesian dancer while speeding up
Sound Effects: Colin is an overweight woman at a gym
News Flash: Karen and Ryan talk to Colin, who is in front of a pterodactyl
  attacking cowboys
Scenes From a Hat: circus acts that didn't make it, what penguins are really
  thinking, unlikely ways to impress women, bizarre ways to describe the
  taste of a wine, people you wouldn't want to meet at a nudist colony,
  dangerous things to do while driving, strange causes to raise money for,
  things that would cause a Drew Carey spit take
Motown Group: Wayne, Colin, and Ryan sing about taking out trash
Foreign Film Dub: Drew and Karen perform "Sausages" in German, Ryan
  translates Drew, Colin translates Karen
Credits: Karen and Ryan narrate a car chase

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...this is the first time they haven't censored the lei/lay pun?
   ...how dirty the carpeting is?
   ...Drew sounds more Swedish than German?

Miscellaneous

Ryan mentions losing 30 pounds on a potato diet. A tabloid once printed a
false story about Drew Carey going on a potato diet, and claiming that it
really worked.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: There's gold in them thar hills. Wayne Brady! You're a fine
looking woman, Miss Kitty. Karen Maruyama! Hang him from the tallest tree.
Colin Mochrie! And aw, dang it, we're going to have to find a taller tree.
Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some
fun. Hello. Hi, everybody. Hello hello hello. Welcome to "Whose Line is it
Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
That's right, the points are useless, just like a degree in philosophy. If
you never saw the show before, what happens is our performers come up, they
make up everything you see right off the top of their heads, then we give
them points. And at the end of the show, the winner gets to do a little
something special with me. The loser does something special with Ryan. Let's
get the show on the road with a game called Questions Only. This is for all
four of you, Questions Only. Karen and Wayne, you're going to start out a
scene. But you can only speak in questions. This is also a great party game,
if you're at home alone and having a party with no chicks or booze. You can
only speak in questions, and I'll buzz you in between when something goes
wrong. And the winner's whoever gets to stay out here the longest and who's
the cleverest. And your scene is you're a soap opera set in a plastic
surgeon's office. You can only speak in questions. Good luck.
KAREN: Doctor, why can't I be beautiful?
WAYNE: Can't you see I can't even fix myself?
KAREN: What kind of doctor are you?
WAYNE: Can't you read the sign?
KAREN: Don't you know that I have horrible vision?
WAYNE: Don't you know that you have horrible vision?
KAREN: Why are you so rude?
WAYNE: Do you think I could be nice to someone with your breath?
KAREN: I'm going to go. (buzz)
(Ryan replaces Karen)
RYAN:  Why am I shaking, Phil?
WAYNE: Have you had too much to drink before the operation, Larry?
RYAN:  Is it because I'm a janitor and not a doctor?
WAYNE: Do you think that could be the reason?
RYAN:  What's this patient's name?
WAYNE: Haven't you seen the chart? Mr. Samo...wa?
RYAN:  What kind of name is Samowa?
WAYNE: Do I look like a linguist?
RYAN:  Are you going to help me or not?
WAYNE: Are you going to stop yelling at me?
RYAN:  Does it bother you?
WAYNE: Can you kiss me?
RYAN:  Can't you... (he pauses, then decides to leave) (buzz)
(Karen replaces Ryan)
KAREN: Do you recognize me? I'm Mrs. Samowa.
WAYNE: You're Mrs. Samowa?
KAREN: Don't you know that's my husband laying there?
WAYNE: Ha ha ha ha ha... (buzz)
(Colin replaces Wayne)
KAREN: What kind of hospital is this?
COLIN: What kind do you want?
KAREN: Can't I just get some real medical help?
COLIN: Do you need it?
KAREN: Can you give it to me?
COLIN: Where do I start?
KAREN: Do you want me?
COLIN: In what way?
(Karen leaves) (buzz)
(Ryan replaces Karen)
RYAN:  Who did this to you?
COLIN: What does that mean?
RYAN:  Would you like me to represent you?
COLIN: Why not?
RYAN:  Is two hundred million dollars too much to get for that?
COLIN: Are you making some sort of insinuation?
RYAN:  Does it show?
COLIN: Do you think you can be rude with a nose like that?
RYAN:  Can I?
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, that's enough. Thank you very much.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  That's enough, thank you. On other shows, at the end of a scene they
yell "Cut." On "Whose Line," we yell "That's enough." A million dream points
to each of you. That's right, if you think they're worth anything, you're
dreaming. Let's go on to a game called Song Styles. This is for Wayne with
Laura Hall, Linda Taylor, and Cece Worrall. Lala lala. Hi, how are you doing.
What's your name?
CHANEL: Chanel.
DREW:  Chanel, nice to meet you, Chanel. What do you do for a living?
CHANEL: I'm a Polynesian dancer.
DREW:  Really, all the way from Polynesia to Los Angeles. Why don't you come
down and say hi to Wayne Brady, say hi to Wayne. Wayne, this is Chanel.
WAYNE: How are you doing, Chanel? Have a seat.
DREW:  Chanel is a Polynesian dancer.
WAYNE: That's what they all say, baby.
DREW:  You're going to sing a love song to Chanel. But you're going to be
speeding it up as you go. So start out nice and Barry White, and then get
speedy on her.
WAYNE: Get speedy. No problem.
DREW:  You know how it goes. So take it away.
(music begins, slowly)
WAYNE: Welcome to the islands of the Polynesian
       I like it when you move side to side
       I love the way that you wear your puka shells
       And you just, you just can't hide
(the music speeds up a little)
WAYNE: When you're wearing all these things, and you move and you sway
       If you're from Hawaii, I bet you'd give me a lei
       Oh listen to me please, oh I know you so well
       I love the way you do Tahitian, yes she is Chanel
(the music speeds up some more)
WAYNE: Oh girl, I like the way that you dance when you like to shake it
       But girl would you tell me one thing so I know that you will not break
         it
       And when you're from Hawaii soon as they thank you, say mahalo
       And this is just one please stand up and dance and I will follow
(the music gets very fast, Wayne and Chanel dance)
WAYNE: Oh shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it
         shake it
       Shake it shake it... shake Chanel shake Chanel shake Chanel
       Oh Chanel
       Oh Chanel
(Wayne starts singing incredibly fast)
WAYNE: Please Chanel sit down I love you so much and every time you dance
       Because I would know I'd give you my heart I'd give you much romance
       I'll be young I'll sail and we'd walk like this then we'd walk on the
         beach
       And every time I'd want to dance with you give me time to reach
       My head is going to ex...
(Wayne collapses on the floor)
(music ends, Wayne gets up)
DREW:  Thank you, thank you very much. (buzzer) Thanks, Chanel. Thanks, right
around here. That was great, thank you very much.
(Wayne and Chanel return to their seats)
DREW:  I'm going to give you and Chanel five and a half points. Chanel
number... (the performers say "oh") All right. Let's go on to a game called
Sound Effects. This is for Colin and Ryan. Come over here Big Bird, grab
your...
RYAN:  Transition.
DREW:  Grab your microphone. Colin's going to improvise a scene, he has to
respond to sound effects left by Ryan on his specially-made, spit-proof
microphone. The scene is: On the day before her wedding, Colin, an over...
(laughing) oh my God. Hey, you know, I didn't write, I just, you know, I
didn't make this, I had nothing to do with this. On the day before her
wedding, Colin, an overweight bride-to-be, realizes she doesn't fit into her
dress. Desperate, she goes to an exercise club. Go ahead.
(Colin laughs)
(The scene starts with Colin devouring a drumstick. He spots his wedding
dress, grabs it, and starts to put it on. He struggles with pulling it up
past his knees, so he takes an oil can and squirts the dress. The dress still
won't go any further, so he makes a crying noise and takes it off. Softly
crying, he opens the door and steps outside. He then steps back inside and
puts some clothing on. He goes back outside and starts to walk when other
people begin to laugh at him. He makes another crying noise and hurries to
the exercise club. He enters to some rhythmic music. He gets in place and
begins dancing along to the instructors "hunh"s, at least until the
instructor sees him and begins to laugh at his appearance. Colin grabs the
instructor and throws him out a window. He then gets on an exercise bike,
presses some buttons, and begins to pedal. His pedaling becomes faster and
faster, and he can't find the button to stop it. Soon the bike starts racing
around the room, with Colin on it. He jumps off the bike, and it drives away.
Colin then gets on a treadmill and begins to walk. Nothing happens, so he
presses some buttons. The treadmill immediately speeds up and knocks Colin
down, bouncing him up and down. Colin rolls off and gets back up.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Oh, don't go away, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" right after this.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points
are useless, just like a liberal in Texas. Now we're going to keep the show
going with a game called News Flash. This is for Karen, Ryan, and Colin.
Karen and Ryan are going to be two news anchors in a studio. Colin, you're
going to be the roving reporter covering a breaking news story. What Colin
doesn't know is what's behind him. All he can see behind him is a green
screen. If he turns around, looks at it, it's just green to him. But the rest
of us are going to see a picture. And Colin doesn't know, he has to try to
guess what it is, and Karen and Ryan are going to give him hints. So go ahead
and take it away whenever you're ready.
RYAN:  Apparently he lost thirty pounds on a potato diet. Oh. We interrupt
this program for a special news bulletin.
(the scene behind Colin is that of cowboys on horses fighting a pterodactyl)
KAREN: Joe, Joe, can you hear us?
COLIN: (frightened) What? What?
RYAN:  We said "Joe, can you hear us?"
KAREN: Oh my God.
COLIN: Yes, I can, I'm having trouble hearing you.
KAREN: Joe, can you hear all that behind you?
COLIN: Pardon?
KAREN: Can you hear all that behind you?
(the pterodactyl picks a cowboy up and carries it through the air)
COLIN: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I... I've got to tell you, I've never been this
scared in all my years of broadcasting.
KAREN: I don't blame you, Joe.
RYAN:  Joe...
COLIN: Yes?
RYAN:  What caused all this?
COLIN: Apparently a very bad bowl of soup. Details are still sketchy, I'm
still trying to get... (he turns around and looks at a lone cowboy riding
toward the camera) Excuse me, can... (as Colin turns around, the scene
changes back to the pterodactyl) Nobody wants to talk. Nobody wants to talk
to me.
RYAN:  Joe, you don't usually see these two types of things together.
COLIN: No, you don't. Not since that Laurel and Hardy short in 1924.
(the cowboys have taken the pterodactyl to the ground and are wrestling it)
RYAN:  Oh Joe, it looks like it might be settled now in the background, it
looks like it might be over.
COLIN: Oh, you'd think that. I thought that about four hours ago, but it's
going to start again.
KAREN: I've never seen one that big, have you? Have you ever seen one that
big?
COLIN: Oh, I've seen bigger.
RYAN:  Joe, do you think it was just taking one of them back for its young?
COLIN: Yes. That's exactly what I'm thinking. Let me just... (he looks at the
cowboy wrestling the pterodactyl) Yeah, that's what I think happened. I'm
just afraid that I'm somehow, I'll get in the way.
KAREN: That's right, this is definitely a land that time forgot, Joe.
COLIN: It certainly is. (he looks at his watch) It's 4:35.
RYAN:  Joe, I don't think you would see this sort of event at any rodeo I've
been to.
COLIN: Oh, not at all, because the clowns, for one thing, would just... well,
look.
KAREN: Joe, it looks like you're in a Harryhausen movie.
COLIN: Oh, it's so horrible. Right here. In the valley. Of the Gwangi.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Tell us, Colin, do you have any idea what's behind you?
COLIN: Cowboys and dinosaurs.
DREW:  Okay, we'll give it to you. (buzzer) All right.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  That is 1,950 points for everybody. That's right, 1950, same year that
Ryan's shoes were in style. All right, let's go on to a game called Scenes
from a Hat. This is for all four of you, come and get into your positions.
Karen and Wayne, Ryan and Colin are two separate teams. Before the show, we
asked the audience to write down suggestions for things. One of the things is
scenes they'd like to see the performers act out. We pick the good ones, we
put them in a hat, and I'm going to read them out and see how many the
performers can act out for us. I'll pick them out of the hat at random. And
let's see what we get here. Oh. "Circus acts that didn't make it."
WAYNE: (as Edward G. Robinson) Mah. I'm a talking lamb, see? Mah. (buzz)
(Ryan and Colin step out. Ryan opens Colin's mouth and attempts to put his
head inside.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  "What penguins are really thinking."
RYAN:  Jeez, it's cold. Jeez, it's cold!
WAYNE: Does this tux make me look fat? (buzz)
COLIN: One day I'll get that Batman.
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Unlikely ways to impress women."
(Karen steps out. She motions for Colin to step out, too.)
COLIN: Look, I'm trying.
(they step back, Wayne steps out)
WAYNE: Yeah, say girl. I work with Drew Carey. (buzz)
COLIN: As of right now, I'm rash-free. (buzz)
KAREN: I'm in the transition part of my surgery. (buzz)
COLIN: I do murals with my own feces.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Some big city mayors in this country say that's not art, well I say
they're wrong. "Bizarre ways to describe the taste of a wine."
WAYNE: This tastes like a painting by Colin Mochrie.
(buzzer)
DREW:  "People you wouldn't want to meet at a nudist colony." Oh, man...
(Karen steps out, bends over, and pantomimes having very droopy breasts)
(buzz)
(Ryan steps out, trips on something, and follows that something to see the
person it's connected to) (buzz)
(Ryan steps forward and presents himself to the camera)
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Dangerous things to do while driving."
(Colin starts driving. He lets go of the steering wheel to take off his
shirt. With his foot on the steering wheel, he scrubs the shirt on a
washboard. He then opens his window and sticks the shirt out to dry.)
DREW:  What are you doing?
COLIN: I'm doing the laundry.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Oh. Oh, okay.
COLIN: Because of my artwork.
DREW:  "Strange causes to raise money for."
RYAN:  Get Drew Carey a third show. Get Drew Carey a third show. (buzz)
COLIN: Bathe the whales!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Oh, what the heck? "Things that would cause a Drew Carey spit take."
(Drew raises his mug in preparation)
(Ryan and Colin step out. Ryan kisses Colin on the lips.)
(Drew does a spit take)
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right.
(the performers return to their seats)
(Ryan rinses his mouth and spits the water out to the side. Colin gargles.
Ryan sticks his face in the water pitcher.)
COLIN: Oh. I gotta get home to my wife.
DREW:  No extra charge for that, folks. A little extra entertainment for you.
No extra charge. Let's move on to a game called Motown Group. This is for
Wayne, Colin, and Ryan. You're going to be singing as a Motown group, like
The Temptations. And you're each going to sing a verse of the song while the
other two do the back-up. And you're going to be helped out with Laura,
Linda, and Cece, are going to help you out. Now, what I need from the
audience, let's hear a suggestion for a household chore.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Taking out the trash. Let's do the trash taker-outer dance with the
help of the Trashettes. Take it away... let's hear it.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Whoo!
       Now when my wife tells me to take the garbage out, yeah
       I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and she begins to shout
       Lady, I love you, I don't want to make you mad
       I grab it, it's black and rubbery, it's made by Glad
       Take the trash out, yeah
       I take the trash out
       And speaking of trash...
COLIN: It's Thursday... get the can
       It's garbage day, I am your man
       My back is out, oh don't you shout
       Get the garbage, move your can right now
WAYNE: Take the trash out, yeah
       Take the trash out, whoo
RYAN:  I'm gonna tell you something and this is no lie
       Every time I take the trash out, baby I almost die
       Backing up this wouldn't be remote
       I live on a floating houseboat
       Saying, oh! (he pretends to trip and then swims)
       Get it? In the water. Ha.
WAYNE: Come on, everybody. Grab your trash bag
       Put stuff in it. Now they call that trash
       Hey, that's all you gotta do, listen baby, take out the trash
       Brother yeah, you're gonna take out the trash
       Yeah yeah, you know you take out the trash
(music ends)
WAYNE: Thank you very much.
DREW:  Oh hey, don't go away, we're going to see a commercial, when we come
back, we're going to find out who the winner is, so you don't want to miss
it.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winners: Ryan,
Colin, and Karen, it's a three-way tie. It's amazing, I can't believe it.
We're going to do a game for you called Foreign Film Dub. And what, Karen and
I are going to pretend to speak in a foreign language, these guys are going
to translate. Ryan's going to translate for me, Colin's going to try and
translate for Karen. We need a foreign language to fake.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  German. If you were a German action film director, what would the name
of your action film be?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  "Sausages." The German action film "Sausages."
KAREN: Ach du lieber ist sehr gut sausage.
COLIN: Knock knockwurst, who's there?
DREW:  Da. Dasta kada vota heda uuh see vota.
RYAN:  Boy am I angry, I'm one sour Kraut.
KAREN: Ach ber wees ser wech weh pweh.
COLIN: We must get all these sausages on the Sausage Express.
DREW:  Hoowuh. Ahdja woodgee nka peh ach du lieber. Raccoons.
RYAN:  Ha. How do you like my James Brown impersonation?
KAREN: Mik vestek weesteh uvaebek du.
COLIN: I would, just thought I'd practice my French a little. You never know
when you may need it on the Sausage Express.
DREW:  Ja. Das deh coonty oota hada hoda haven gooden gada grooden.
(Drew mounts something)
RYAN:  Yeah, that's one huge sausage. I think I'll ride it.
(Drew starts bouncing up and down. Karen gets on with him.)
KAREN: Ja, das gut.
COLIN: Yeah, that's good.
(Drew puts the brakes on the sausage and gets off)
DREW:  Ah. Das is what avhoda hada hove ah. Yeah.
RYAN:  Yes. Soon I will lose my hair and not be as attractive to you.
(buzzer)
DREW:  We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this. Don't go
anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight we're going to end
the show with Ryan and Karen. I want you to read the credits as, as a news
team covering a live car chase. Good night everybody, thanks for watching,
see you next time.
RYAN:  Well Karen, we've just gotten word from Drew Carey that Dan Patterson
is going much too fast on the 405.
KAREN: That's right, Mark told us that he's going about thirty miles an hour.
He hit Danny Breen right outside the airport.
(Wayne and Colin pretend to drive around)
RYAN:  Oh, apparently they're right outside of the studio now. Here comes
Colin Mochrie. Wayne Brady's driving the main car.
KAREN: Oh my God.
RYAN:  Oh, I hope they don't crash into Drew Carey.
KAREN: I know. Oh, they're pulling him over.
(Wayne heads toward Drew)
RYAN:  They're awful close to Drew Carey. Oh, this could be fatal.
KAREN: Keith Richmond says that it's, could be fatal.
(Wayne crashes into Drew)
RYAN:  Oh my God, they've run into Drew Carey. Colin Mochrie's out on the
curb.
KAREN: Oh no. Oh no. It's a sad, sad scene.
RYAN:  Thank God Brad Zerbst weren't here to see this.
KAREN: They're pulling the car over. Yeah, Chris Dale's putting the cuffs on
the driver.
RYAN:  Oh, but how could you miss driving into Drew Carey, for God's sake?


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)