Episode 220
Original airdate: October 7, 1999
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Weird Newscasters: Colin hosts, Chip is a Broadway singer, Wayne is Drew's #1
fan, Ryan denies that he's gay
Duet: Wayne and Chip sing to Connie the doctor's receptionist in swing style
Scenes From a Hat: Baseball umpires at home, ill-advised Valentine's Day
gifts, favorite pranks of nuns, other things the first man on the moon
might have said, opening lines to foreign national anthems, lines you
wouldn't hear in a western, rejected "Jeopardy!" categories, people who
won't be appearing on currency anytime soon
Whose Line: Ryan is Rhett Butler and Colin is Scarlett O'Hara
Hoedown: about men
Questions Only: Wayne, Drew, Colin, and Ryan in "Godzilla"
Credits: Ryan tries to convince Chip he's not gay
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...when Chip writes a pretend autograph for Wayne, Wayne puts that one in
his pants as well?
...Wayne gives the card in his pants back to Drew?
...when the shot cuts back to Drew to announce Duet, he suddenly has a
microphone in his hand?
...Wayne doesn't expect to finish Chip's line in Duet?
...Wayne mistakes "transvestite" with something else (hermaphrodite,
perhaps?)?
...Chip buzzes the buzzer as we come back from commercial?
References
"Jump, Jive, and Wail" (song)
- the Duet sounds suspiciously like it in the beginning
"The Flying Nun" (TV)
- Chip references it in Scenes From a Hat
"Gone With the Wind" (film)
- Whose Line is based on its characters
"Diff'rent Strokes" (TV)
- "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Déjà vu
108 - Colin's "Two thongs don't make a..." joke
Miscellaneous
For the third time, Ryan has rhymed "Carey" with "scary." As a helpful aid,
here is a list of some other common words that also rhyme with "Carey":
airy, berry, bury, cherry, dairy, fairy, ferry, hairy, marry, merry, parry,
prairie, sherry, vary, very, wary
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: Cross at the green and not in between. Wayne Brady! Uncle Sam wants
Chip Esten! Take a bite out of Colin Mochrie! And only you can prevent Ryan
Stiles! I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun. Yes,
hello. Hello and welcome, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show
where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Yep, they don't
matter, just like saying your luggage has been with you since you packed it.
Doesn't mean a thing. What's going to happen, if you never saw the show
before, is these guys are going to come up, they're going to make everything
up you see tonight, right off the top of their heads, it's going to be really
great. And then at the end of every round I give them points, I don't know
why, it's just a little gag to hold the show together, and at the end of the
show I pick a winner, winner gets to do a little something special with me,
and the loser gets to lick the frosting. So if you're ready to get started,
let's go on to a game called Weird Newscasters, this is for all four of you.
Colin, you're going to be the anchor of a news program. Chip, Wayne, and Ryan
are going to be the co-presenters. But what we've done is we've given them
each an odd character to play. Colin, your co-anchor is Chip. Chip, you're in
the middle of a Broadway musical. Sports is Wayne. It says here you're Drew's
number one teenage fan. He's been waiting a long time to do this, let me tell
you. And doing the weather is Ryan. Ryan is desperate to quell rumors that
he's gay.
(The audience cheers, and the other performers laugh. Drew gives the
thumbs-up.)
RYAN: But what do you want me to do in the scene?
DREW: Oh yeah. I want you to pretend you're desperate to quell rumors that
you're gay.
RYAN: (manly) I'll see what I can do, Drew.
DREW: Yeah, well, good luck. So whenever you're ready Colin, whenever you
hear the music, take it away.
(news music)
COLIN: Welcome to the 4:15 news. I'm your anchor, Orland Curtainback. Today's
top story: nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one
American will always disagree with the other nine. And now over to my new
anchor, Steve Incredible.
CHIP: (singing) Welcome back from the break
It didn't take too long
We've got lots of news for you
(raunchier) I'm gonna sing a little song
Whomp-a-doo-bomp, do dangadangoo
(Chip runs his fingers down Colin's face. He then stands up, and slightly
bows.)
COLIN: Well, he's no Michael Crawford. And now, let's go over to sports with
our sports guy, Flappy.
WAYNE: Hi, everyone. Today in sports, I'm very happy to say that all the
teams are winning...
(Wayne acts very excited and motions to Drew, indicating how cool it is he's
right there.)
WAYNE: And, um, and um, oh my God!
(Wayne runs over to Drew's desk and sits on it.)
WAYNE: Oh my God! I'm so sorry, Drew Carey! Look look wait a second wait a
second! No no, see see! No no! No no! No no no no! No no no no! No no no no!
(Drew tries to take one of his cards and sign it, but Wayne doesn't let him.)
No really, no no no no! Wait wait wait wait! No no no no! No wait! Seriously,
look look look look! Look look, what I can... (Wayne takes Drew's glasses off
his face and wears them.) I'm Drew Carey! I'm Drew Carey!
(Wayne takes off the glasses and points at them excitedly, squealing with
delight. He runs with them into the audience, showing a woman who acts
excited with him. Wayne breathes on the glasses and cleans them on his shirt,
still squealing. He puts the glasses on and tries to walk back to Drew's desk
wearing them, keeping low to the ground since he can't see well. He gives the
glasses back to Drew, who puts them on and starts to autograph one of his
cards.)
WAYNE: Please, please, "To, to to, to to me from you, always, P.S. Love you"
(Drew tries to give the card to Wayne) More.
(Drew writes some more and gives the card to Wayne, who eagerly shows the
others, saying "Look what I have, look what I have." He then sticks it down
the front of his pants. He claps and jumps up and down, doing a kick and
pointing at Drew.)
COLIN: This just in: sucking up still gets you ahead in the business.
CHIP: Wow, you're something else.
(Chip slides over to Colin's other side. Wayne gets excited over seeing Chip,
and latches onto his leg. Chip writes an autograph for Wayne.)
COLIN: Well, why don't we head over and see what weather's going to be like
this weekend with our crazy weatherman, Sunny Skies.
RYAN: Well. Thank you very much. Well, let's just look at the weather. I'll
just grab my pointer. Not that I need something in my hand, because I don't.
(Ryan waves at the map with a limp wrist.) We're going to have sunny skies
over the Rockies. The Rockies, which resemble women's breasts, which I love,
by the way. Nothing more attractive than women's breasts. And it should be
sunny and clear for the entire weekend. (to Chip) By the way, nobody finds
your dancing exciting.
(Chip gets up and starts to dance somewhat seductively around Ryan. Ryan
tries to ignore it.)
COLIN: Well, that's all the news that's fit to be shown. Join us again
tomorrow for the 4:35 news. Good night.
(buzzer)
DREW: That Wayne, man. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me.
Thousand points to everybody, and nice try to Ryan.
(Ryan crosses his legs.)
RYAN: (manly) Thanks, Drew.
DREW: (manly) No kidding Ryan, that was great.
RYAN: (manly) Thank you.
DREW: Let's go on to a game called Duet. This is for Chip and Wayne, you're
going to sing a song with the help of Laura Hall on piano, Linda Taylor on
guitar, and Anna Wanselius on saxophone. (he hums while going into the
audience) Hi, what's your name?
CONNIE: Connie.
DREW: Connie, how are you doing Connie, what do you do for a living?
CONNIE: Receptionist.
DREW: Receptionist where?
CONNIE: In a doctor's office.
DREW: A doctor's office. Come on down here, Connie, and say hello. Meet
Wayne and Chip. Is that your husband?
CONNIE: Yeah.
DREW: Is he a doctor?
CONNIE: No.
DREW: (to Connie's husband) She's having an affair with a doctor. Connie's a
receptionist at the doctor's office, which is a fine job. And I want to
sing... I want you to sing to her in the style of a jump and jive song. Sing
to Connie the doctor's receptionist.
(music begins)
(Wayne and Chip dance)
WAYNE: Go baby!
CHIP: Whoo, Connie Connie, I think you're so keen
WAYNE: She thinks he's keen
CHIP: Oh Connie Connie, I think you're so keen
WAYNE: You're so keen
CHIP: I waited two hours but I had a good magazine
WAYNE: Oh Connie Connie, won't you won't you see
CHIP: Won't you see, won't won't you see
WAYNE: Oh Connie Connie Connie, won't you see
CHIP: Won't you see, won't won't you see
WAYNE: I want you to play doctor with me
CHIP: Connie you have just what I've been needing
WAYNE: Oh Connie, ooooh, oh will you stop this bleeding?
CHIP: Well Connie Connie, you're the one for me
WAYNE: You're the one, you're the one for me
CHIP: Can I get through and into surgery?
WAYNE: Oh Connie
Oh won't you please, I'm on broken knee
Where's the doctor?
CHIP: Won't you please
BOTH: On a broken knee
CHIP: Yeah.
WAYNE: Thank you, Connie. Whoo.
DREW: I don't know what they were going to do with that stool and you, but I
don't blame you for running. Down and around. Let's go on to a game called,
oh I really like this game, this is a game called Scenes From a Hat. It's for
all four of you. This is our hat. And before the show we asked the audience
to write down suggestions of scenes they'd like to see. We take the good ones
and we try to see how many they can act out. So here we go. Randomly choose.
"Baseball umpires at home."
(Chip keeps hitting Ryan with his chest.)
CHIP: Clean your room! Clean your room!
RYAN: Honey, I'm feeling a bit sexy tonight. (he starts to dust things with
a little broom)
DREW: "Ill-advised Valentine's Day gifts."
RYAN: It's a gun. (buzz) I'll give you the bullets at Christmas.
COLIN: Don't tell me you already have a head of a goat. (buzz)
CHIP: It's "The Lorena Bobbitt Story." It's for you. (buzz)
RYAN: This is to remember me by. It's a picture of me with my lover.
(buzzer)
DREW: "Favorite pranks of nuns."
(Ryan slowly walks in. He turns his back to us and then suddenly lunges
forward with his fingers as devil horns, screaming.) (buzz)
CHIP: No no, really, it's true, all nuns can fly.
(buzzer)
DREW: "Other things..." "Other things the first man on the moon might have
said."
RYAN: Oh, I hope I get back.
WAYNE: Whee! (buzz)
CHIP: A Starbucks?
COLIN: I shouldn't have had that three-bean salad. (buzz)
(Ryan walks out, then stops. He looks at the bottom of his shoe and groans.)
(buzzer)
DREW: All right. "Opening lines to foreign national anthems."
COLIN: Colombia, we're not known just for coffee, Colombia... (buzz)
RYAN: Russia, our women look like men, Russia...
(buzzer)
DREW: "Lines you wouldn't hear in a western."
COLIN: Oh, this town's big enough for the two of us.
(buzzer)
DREW: "Rejected 'Jeopardy!' categories."
WAYNE: Yeah, I'll take Famous Klansmen for two hundred, please. (buzz)
RYAN: Drew Carey's Lingerie for fifty. (buzz)
CHIP: I'll take Things Nobody Knows for a thousand. (buzz)
COLIN: I'll take Animal Genitalia Audio Clues.
(buzzer)
DREW: "People who won't be appearing on currency anytime soon."
RYAN: Oh, I can't break a Lewinsky.
(buzzer)
DREW: Oh, that's enough. We're going to go see a commercial, we'll be back
with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Don't go anywhere. More "Whose Line"
coming up.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. By the way, I'm very proud
that due to the success of this show, amateur improvisation is at an all-time
high here in the United States. Thanks. But however, it doesn't mean you
should keep sending us your crummy tapes. Really proud you took a class and
all, but stop it. Let's continue on in the show with a game called Whose
Line. Believe it or not, we have a game called Whose Line. This is for Colin
and Ryan. And before each show, we had the audience write some stuff down. We
have them supply some random lines. This is for Ryan, this is yours, and
Colin, this is yours. Take them out of the envelope, put them in your pocket.
And during the scene they're going to have to use those lines. And the scene
is Ryan is Rhett Butler, Colin is Scarlett O'Hara... Ryan always, you know,
that's how it goes in the relationship. Rhett finally tells Scarlett that
he's leaving.
RYAN: Rhett's not Italian, right?
DREW: No. Rhett's not Italian.
RYAN: (in a gruff voice) Scarlett. I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave.
COLIN: Well, fiddle-dee-dee. I don't care.
RYAN: Scarlett, I know I've said a lot of things to you.
COLIN: Why don't you stop chewing tobacco?
RYAN: Scarlett, I love you. And if you run away with me, well, if you run
away with me, "you look like two pigs wrestling under a blanket." How would
you like that, Scarlett, me and you under a blanket like pigs?
COLIN: Oh Rhett, when you talk like that, I almost want to go with you. Well,
I'll never forget the last fight we had, when you looked at me and you
shouted, "Hey, what smells?" I told you I never would go hungry again!
RYAN: Damn it! Damn it, Scarlett, Atlanta was burning, I smelled something.
COLIN: It was the pork roast.
RYAN: You're my little pork roast.
COLIN: What is it with you and the pig analogies all the time?
RYAN: Scarlett, I've had a locket made up for you. I put something inside. A
little verse that I want you to remember me by. Open it up, I'll read it to
you. "I'm wearing a thong." That's why my face is like this, Scarlett.
COLIN: Rhett, Rhett, I'm wearing a thong too, but two thongs don't make a
right.
RYAN: Scarlett, I love you. But I'm not going to beg you to go away with me.
I'll just leave.
COLIN: Well, don't leave before I tell you this. I've been fighting it,
fighting it, fighting it, but I can't. Rhett, my darling...
RYAN: Yes?
COLIN: "What you talkin' about, Willis?"
(buzzer)
DREW: That was great. A thousand points for each of you and a special offer,
two hundred points to every kid who calls their local ABC affiliate right now
and says, "'Whose Line is it Anyway?' is the best damn show on television."
Let's do a game called Hoedown! Come on up for the big Hoedown with Laura
Hall on the piano. Laura Hall. What I need from the audience is a suggestion
for a group of people or type of people you hate.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Men. Okay. You know what, as a favor to you, we'll do the men Hoedown.
Whenever you're ready, take it away.
(music begins)
WAYNE: I've got a message to all of you gals
I'm a sensitive man, so why can't we be pals
I know sometimes in the past I haven't treated you right
That's why I'm talking hormones, boom, I'm a transvestite
CHIP: Men can be quite mean, men can be quite bad
I bet you had a boyfriend, I bet he was a cad
I don't really like men myself, that I can tell
But my friend Ryan, well, he thinks they're swell
COLIN: I am a man, I love films with violence
I like to watch them every day, even when they don't make sense
I saw this one with a guy with a gun, his shots would never miss ya
Then he'd hit you with a flower, he was Dirty Harry Krishna
RYAN: Let me tell you all 'bout men, I walk the walk
I don't care what people say, just let them talk
All the rumors going 'round, yeah they're kind of scary
I guess I'm going to have to stop showering with Drew Carey
ALL: Showering with Drew Carey
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this. Don't go
away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner: Chip
Esten, how about it, Chip? The rest of us, we're going to do a game for you
called Questions Only. Wayne and I, let's start, you guys go on the sides.
What happens is, we can only speak in questions, that's all we're allowed to
do. It's also a great party game to play at home. What I need from the
audience is the name of a real horror film.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: "Godzilla."
DREW: "Godzilla." All right, "Godzilla." And, okay, we're going to speak in
questions only, if one of them messes up, Chip's going to buzz us out and the
other guy will take their place. So, "Godzilla." (starting the game) What is
that?!?
WAYNE: Dong shing ba day sha wa wa wa huh?
DREW: Who are you?
WAYNE: Would you believe that I'm from the Japanese rocket control force?
DREW: Is that an I.D.?
WAYNE: Will you help me defeat the monster? (his mouth continues to move)
DREW: Well, what do I do?
WAYNE: Would you want to grab on?
DREW: Oh... (buzzer)
COLIN: What's up?
WAYNE: I... would... like... some help. (buzzer)
RYAN: What are you doing here?
COLIN: Didn't you hear about the big lizard?
RYAN: What happened?
COLIN: Didn't you read it in the paper?
RYAN: What happened?
COLIN: Can't you see?
RYAN: I... oh. (buzzer)
WAYNE: Have you seen my partner?
COLIN: What does he look like?
WAYNE: Have you seen a guy this tall wearing canary yellow?
COLIN: Uh... (buzzer)
(Wayne starts running in place)
WAYNE: Please help me...? (buzzer)
RYAN: Are you going to go kill him?
DREW: Are you gay?
RYAN: Don't you know that Drew Carey is the only man that can give you the
answer to that question?
(Drew starts to move toward Ryan's chest, then chuckles and walks back a
couple steps.)
(buzzer)
RYAN: What are you doing? What are you doing? What just happened there?
DREW: I don't know.
RYAN: Are we going to commercial?
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this.
RYAN: What is that commercial for?
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight we're going to have
Ryan and Chip read the credits for us. We're going to end the show with Ryan
and Chip reading the credits. We're going to have you guys read the credits.
I want Ryan to talk to Chip and try to convince Chip that he's not gay.
Thanks for watching. Good night, everybody.
CHIP: But Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson, I mean, look at them.
RYAN: Oh I know, well, you know Dan says it, but if someone talks about it
like that...
CHIP: No, no...
RYAN: ...you know, they're just trying to hide something that they have.
CHIP: I saw you looking at Dan Cutforth.
RYAN: Drew Carey's the gayest of the gay, man, are you kidding?
CHIP: Oh, that's very true. I know.
RYAN: Please. What, you think they gave him a Porsche 'cause of the show?
CHIP: No, not at all. I mean, he doesn't even look at Alison.
WAYNE: We're going to be late down at the club.
RYAN: Oh, really, why don't you guys go ahead. I want to watch "American
Gladiators."
WAYNE: But you're dancing tonight.
RYAN: That's all right, I got to race in a stock car a little later on.
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)
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