Episode 222
Original airdate: November 11, 1999
Performers: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Greg is the contestant, Wayne is a rock star in his hotel
room, Colin is turned on by danger, Ryan is a boa constrictor
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Greg and Ryan are rival bikers, Colin
is a girlfriend -- Japanese monster movie, soap opera, "I Love Lucy," Marx
Brothers
Props: Colin and Ryan have two large gray pipe cleaners, Greg and Wayne have
an odd green shape
Party Quirks: Greg hosts, Wayne is a chicken, Colin is auditioning for a
slasher film, Ryan loves ugliness
Song Styles: Wayne sings about a toaster as a gospel choir
World's Worst: Greg, Drew, Colin, and Ryan are the world's worst TV program
Credits: Wayne and Colin as screaming fans at a concert
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...boa constrictors don't swallow their food while it's still living, yet
Ryan does?
...Greg hits Colin on the butt after FT&TS?
...Linda Taylor trying to do something with her guitar for the gospel
song?
...Wayne sings "Leggo" instead of "Eggo"?
...Wayne looking at whatever camera is on in Song Styles?
...when Greg walks up to the camera in World's Worst, you can see another
cameraman, and he kind of tries to hide?
References
"Never Can Say Goodbye" (song)
?
"Kiss and Say Goodbye" (song)
"Hello It's Me" (song)
- all referenced in the opening
"The Bullwinkle Show" (TV)
- Ryan acts like Bullwinkle J. Moose
"Showboat" (play)
- contains the song "Ol' Man River"
"The Twilight Zone" (TV)
- had an episode where a guy thought he saw a man on an airplane wing
"The Drew Carey Show" (TV)
- Drew references it in World's Worst
"The Hokey Pokey" (song)
- Greg talks it out in World's Worst
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: Never can say goodbye. Greg Proops! You say good-bye and I say Wayne
Brady! Let's just kiss and say good-bye. Colin Mochrie! And hello, it's me.
Ryan Stiles! I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun.
Hello. Hi, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's
made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points don't mean a
thing, just like the host of an improv show. After a while, you figure, "you
know, we don't need this." And if you've never seen the show before, what
happens is, these four guys are going to come out, they're going to make up
everything off the top of their heads, and then I give them points after
every game, I don't know why I give them points, it's just a little gag to
hold the show together. And at the end of the show, we pick a winner, the
winner gets to do a little something special with me, and the loser gets to
watch out for the cops. Let's start the show with a little game called Let's
Make a Date. This is for all four of you. Greg, you're going to be appearing
on a dating-type show, and Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are going to be the only
three people he can choose from, sorry. And on these cards here, which
they've never seen before, we've given them each a strange characteristic or
identity, and Greg has to try to guess who they are. So Greg, when you're all
ready... (Ryan throws his envelope aside and looks depressed) Yeah. I saw it.
I got the answers right here. Go ahead and start the dating show.
GREG: Hi. Bachelor number one.
WAYNE: (Cockney accent) Hello.
GREG: Hi. Oh, you're from a different land.
WAYNE: ["Temperamental rock star in his hotel room"] Yeah. Ain't bad. How are
you?
GREG: Are you drunk?
WAYNE: Ha ha. What gave it away? Ay. Hey, why don't you give me fifteen green
M&M's and spank my rump.
GREG: Well, that sounds promising. Bachelor number two. I like a man who's a
tiger. What kind of animal are you?
COLIN: ["Gets turned on by danger"] A tiger. Hey, that would be interesting.
Say I was in a cage with hams all around me, and fifteen hungry tiger...
(showing arousal) and they start moving closer... towards me, I can see they
want to eat me up, they want to rip me apart... (he relaxes and starts
smoking a cigarette)
GREG: Well, those are thoughts to certainly increase the moisture. Now,
number... bachelor number three, hello.
RYAN: ["Ravenous boa constrictor"] Oh. (he moves his head like a snake,
turns his head away from Greg, and darts his tongue in and out)
GREG: I like going to Vegas...
RYAN: Do you?
GREG: Y-yes.
(Ryan looks at Colin and draws closer. Colin starts smiling. Ryan pulls back,
then comes forward to nuzzle his head up against Colin's neck and cheek.)
GREG: Okay.
RYAN: May I say, last time I went to Vegas, I lost my skin.
GREG: Really...
RYAN: Yes.
(Ryan gets face-to-face with Colin. He starts darting his tongue near Colin's
face. Colin looks enraptured.)
GREG: All right. Bachelor number one, what kind of music do you dig?
WAYNE: Just my own, baby, just my own. I don't listen to anyone else. I've
been to London, Tokyo, Japan, and back to London, 'cause that's where my
house is, yeah. (he raises his hands in some sort of rock gesture, then takes
a drink from a bottle)
GREG: Wow, you're ready to rock. Bachelor number two.
(Colin spins the barrel of a gun, then places it next to his head and pulls
the trigger. It only clicks, and he looks very pleasured. He then shoots an
arrow into the air, and it lands right in front of him. He starts to sit
down, but Ryan slithers up his back and nuzzles his face. Ryan then swallows
Colin whole and sits in his seat, with only Colin's arms being visible. Colin
smokes a cigarette, but Ryan quickly spits him back out.)
GREG: I'm sorry, it was hard to hear your answer, it was slightly muffled
for a moment there.
WAYNE: Now that's an act.
GREG: Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Yes.
GREG: We're going to go on a trip, where would you take me?
(Ryan starts darting his tongue in and out. He slowly moves his face closer
to Colin's, and Colin slowly approaches Ryan. With Ryan's tongue still
darting, they draw to within about an inch of each other when Drew buzzes.)
DREW: Oh, my God. (buzzer) Ryan, Colin, wake up, time for school. Can you
guess... can you guess who they are?
GREG: I am having the weirdest dream, Drew. Colin and Ryan were doing a
thing, and I was sitting there and it was... Yes. Number one a British rock
star, but I know that it's not, that's not it, he's an Austin Powers-type...
DREW: No.
GREG: No, he's not.
DREW: Temperamental rock star in his hotel room, that's close.
GREG: Oh, of course. (buzz)
DREW: Just saying "British rock star" kind of covers the whole thing.
GREG: All right. I'm sorry I left the word "temperamental" out of that
answer.
DREW: You said "British," that's good enough.
GREG: Yeah. There you are. Colin is a man who's having fantasies about death
that drive him nearly to the brink of ecstasy.
DREW: Yeah, gets turned on by danger.
GREG: And Ryan is just someone I'd like to know better. I thought he
swallowed Colin for a moment there.
DREW: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, huh?
GREG: Yeah.
DREW: So he's a...
GREG: He's a snake.
DREW: Yeah, a boa constrictor, good for you.
(buzzer)
DREW: And I want to give a thousand points to Mrs. Stiles and Mrs. Mochrie,
who probably want to have a nice, long talk with their husbands after the
show. "Honey, is there anything you want to tell me? It's okay, I love you
for anything, anything you are." Let's go on to a game called Film, TV, and
Theater Styles. This is for Ryan, Colin, and Greg. I'm going to make them act
out a scene, and they have to adopt different styles of film, TV, and theater
I'm going to give them. I need styles of film, styles of television, styles
of theater.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: What was that? Oh, Marx Brothers. Amateur dramatics, "I Love Lucy."
Hold on, my pencil... kabuki, soap, Japanese monster movie. Okay, that's
good, that's good. Okay. And what you guys are going to do, you're going to
start out as normal, and I'll come in with the style after you get started.
The scene is, Ryan and Greg are two rival bikers challenging each other to a
game of chicken, racing towards the edge of a cliff. Colin is the anxious
girlfriend who doesn't want them to do it. So, go ahead and start, and I'll
come in with all this other stuff.
RYAN: Nice hog.
GREG: Yeah.
COLIN: Hey.
GREG: Hey, you're talking about my girlfriend.
COLIN: You can beat him, Tom.
GREG: I told you to call me by my nickname, Rip Nasty.
(buzzer)
DREW: Japanese monster movie.
GREG: I would like to challenge you. (he pantomimes words appearing on the
screen) For I am certain that I will beat you if I go over this cliff.
RYAN: Challenge me to a race? (his lips continue to move)
GREG: (moving lips) You heard me. (they get on their motorcycles)
COLIN: Do you know what you're doing?
(buzzer)
(Colin moves his lips)
DREW: Soap opera.
COLIN: Rip, I'm carrying your child. Good luck.
GREG: Betty, we haven't made love yet.
COLIN: I always think ahead.
RYAN: Look, the loser has to leave Shady Acres forever.
GREG: Leave Shady Acres forever?
RYAN: That's what I said.
GREG: But this is where I've got my marmot ranch.
(buzzer)
DREW: "I Love Lucy."
GREG: So do I. Oh, I see.
RYAN: (as Fred) I'll race you to the edge of the cliff, Rick.
COLIN: (as Lucy) I want to race to the end of the cliff. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
GREG: (as Ricky) Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
RYAN: Here we go. (he starts his motorcycle)
COLIN: Why can't I ever ride the hog?
GREG: Lucy, I told you. All right, this is your turn, you can ride the hog.
RYAN: I'm beating you, Rick.
(Colin starts the motorcycle, and Greg rides behind him)
(buzzer)
DREW: Marx Brothers.
(Ryan honks a horn on the motorcycle)
GREG: (as Groucho) Can a person drive like you. Go as fast as you can.
COLIN: (as Chico) I'm telling you, boss, I've got a bad feeling about this.
GREG: I'd like to hold you closer, but if I was any closer, I'd be on the
throttle.
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. That was great. A million points to everybody.
You know why I can give you those, 'cause they're worthless. Now let's go on
to a game called Props. This is for Ryan and Colin, and Greg and Wayne. Ryan
and Colin, this is your prop. (to Greg and Wayne) And this is your prop. Good
luck.
(Colin and Ryan have two long light gray poles, each with a ninety degree
bend near one end. Greg and Wayne have an odd green shape with a triangle on
one end of a stick and a u-shape on the other end.)
DREW: What happens is, they have to go back and forth and think of as many
funny things to do with these props as they can, and I'll buzz after each
idea. Go ahead and start, Ryan and Colin.
(Ryan uses holds the props to make footprints)
RYAN: They're going to follow these tracks for miles! (buzz)
(Wayne holds the prop by the triangle end and points the u-shape out)
WAYNE: There's water somewhere. (buzz)
(the poles are placed on the ground against the step)
COLIN: The wall fell on Pipe Cleaner Man before he had a chance to react.
(buzz)
(the green prop stands on the triangle, with the u-shape facing up)
WAYNE: Somebody broke my menorah. (buzz)
(both Colin and Ryan have a prop folded around to look like face masks)
RYAN: Twenty-four! Thirty-three! (buzz)
(Greg hands Wayne the prop)
GREG: All right, you can have the key to the restroom, but bring it back.
(buzz)
(Colin and Ryan hold the props like they're riding animals. The "head" of
Colin's bobs up and down.)
COLIN: I don't think my camel's feeling very well. (buzz)
(Greg runs from Wayne)
WAYNE: You're not getting away from me this time, Iron Man. (he holds the
u-shape up like a magnet, and Greg is drawn back) (buzz)
(Ryan holds the poles up like moose antlers)
RYAN: Hey, Rocky! (buzz)
(Wayne holds up the shape)
WAYNE: This is the symbol of The Artist Formerly Known as Gumby. (buzz)
(Ryan and Colin each hold a prop, and bring it toward them to look like
they're riding a ski lift) (buzz)
(Greg bends the prop, u-shape over triangle, on the floor)
GREG: Take this, you Roman scum. (he releases the u-shape like a catapult)
(buzz)
(Ryan holds the props, folded as they were for the football helmet joke)
RYAN: I'm afraid you're under arrest. (He places the props around Colin's
wrists. The end of one of the props slips away and hits Colin in the face.)
Oh, I'm sorry. (buzz)
(Wayne stands the prop up with the triangle on the floor, and holds the
u-shape)
GREG & WAYNE: (singing) Old man river... (buzz)
(with the props folded again, Ryan and Colin each hold one up as if they're
looking out of airplane windows)
RYAN: There's a monkey on the wing! There's a monkey on the...
(buzzer)
DREW: Okay. Thank you very much. Hey, don't go away, we'll be right back
with more "Whose Line" right after this. Stay where you are.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything
is made up and the points just don't matter. And you know what, this is like
a big hit show, just like "Baywatch." You know the difference between this
show and "Baywatch"? On this show, you get to say, "Hey, look at those set of
wits." "Check out that set of wits." Let's do a game called Party Quirks.
Party Quirks. This is for Greg and everybody else. Greg, why don't you come
up here so you can't see the cards. You're going to be hosting a party.
Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are going to be the guests, and we've given them each
a strange identity or something, we've put them on these cards, they've never
seen the cards before. I'm going to bring them in one at a time with the
doorbell, and you have to guess who they are. So whenever you're ready, start
the party.
GREG: (pointing at the floor) No. No. (to Drew) I'm just saying "no" to
rugs. (doorbell) Come on in, Wayne, how you doing, man.
WAYNE: ["A chicken with attitude"] (Wayne struts in and bypasses Greg)
GREG: Well, welcome to the party. (Wayne shrugs him off and struts to the
other side of the stage) Are you all right? (Wayne moves toward Greg, his
arms flapping in the air) You want some corn... chips or something? Whoa whoa
whoa. (doorbell) I got to get the door. Hello, Col. How are you?
COLIN: ["Auditioning for every part in a slasher film"] Fine. Here's my eight
by ten.
GREG: Okay. Great.
COLIN: I just want... (he clears his throat, then screams) I can do that
better, I can do that better. (he screams again) You know, I think maybe this
part. (he places his hand over the right side of his face and, grunting,
repeatedly plunges a knife in the air) (doorbell)
GREG: You have got to quit taking Sudafed. Here, come in.
RYAN: ["Excited by ugliness and searching for the perfect specimen"] Hey
Greg, how's it going?
GREG: Hi, how are you, Ryan?
RYAN: How are you, good, good, thanks for inviting me.
GREG: Sure.
RYAN: Oh, I haven't met your other guests.
GREG: Oh, well, would you like to? This is a chicken who's a funky...
RYAN: Chicken, huh?
GREG: No, he's not a chicken. He is a chicken. (Wayne gets in Greg's face
and starts clucking) He's a funky chicken. He's a chicken who thinks he's
a... he's rooster from... he's a rooster...
DREW: Chicken with a what?
(Wayne clucks with attitude and pecks at Greg)
GREG: He's a chicken on the Springer show. (buzz)
DREW: Yeah, close enough.
GREG: What is he?
DREW: Chicken with an attitude.
GREG: A chicken with an attitude?
DREW: With an attitude, that's what it says right here, "chicken with an
attitude." (Greg laughs)
RYAN: (shaking Colin's hand) Hi, I'm Ryan.
GREG: Yeah, have you met Colin, he's auditioning for a horror movie.
DREW: Every part in... (buzz)
GREG: Hey listen, can I get you something, a glass of punch...
(Ryan looks at Drew and gets a look of wonder on his face. Drew sits, trying
not to react while Ryan looks him over. Ryan begins to look aroused.)
GREG: Would you... would you like a glass of punch, Ryan?
RYAN: Sure, Greg, thank you. Oh, I've dropped it all over myself. (He
deliberately bends over to pick it up so Drew can see his rear end. Drew
takes a drink from his mug.) I believe I haven't met your other friend.
GREG: Oh, well, this is Drew, he sits behind the desk and makes a lot more
than us. Drew, have you met Ryan, he's trying to seduce everyone he meets, he
thinks he's wildly attracted to everyone he meets, he's a man who imagines...
DREW: He's excited by what?
RYAN: Let him say it.
DREW: Well, it says here he's excited by ugliness. (Drew acts sad and pounds
the buzzer with his fist. Greg and Ryan return to their seats.) A thousand
points, that's all I'm good for is giving points.
RYAN: Hey, buddy. (he tears up a Party Quirks envelope)
COLIN: Hey, that's mine.
DREW: I'll get you all back at the bank, don't worry about it. So, our next
game is called Song Styles, this is for Wayne with the help of Laura Hall on
the piano, Linda Taylor on guitar. Now, you're probably wondering, Wayne's
probably wondering why I'm not going into the audience.
WAYNE: Yeah.
DREW: I need a suggestion from the audience for a common household object.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Toaster? Toaster. Stop. Toaster. Now I'm going to have you sing about
a toaster as an entire gospel choir.
WAYNE: All righty.
DREW: That's right, more than one person in a gospel choir. Go ahead.
(slow music begins)
WAYNE: Oh Lord, oh listen to what I say
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day
(the music speeds up)
Hey!
(he turns around and conducts, with Greg, Colin, and Ryan responding)
Sing!
Oh Lord, away I go
I need my toaster for my leggo
Oh Lord, yes, I need my waffles
I need waffles
(pointing) You. (as another person) Me?
Because the Lord likes, oh likes toast
Right now we're going to have a solo. Rasheena, come on down.
(as Rasheena, he indicates he doesn't want to)
Come on down.
(As Rasheena, he refuses, and is dragged to the front by the arm. He
looks around and claps with the audience, nervously. He clears his
throat.)
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-oo!
Hey, I love my toast, I love my toast
I don't want to brag, I don't want to brag, don't boast, hey
I love my toast, I love my toast
You heard me first time, I love my toast
I said it the first time, oh I did not stutter
Oh, give me my toast, and both sides butter
Hey hey
(he dances around, then pantomimes putting bread in a toaster and
receiving it)
Hey hey
(he pantomimes buttering the toast, drinking, and eating the toast)
Oh yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh, the Lord gave me my toast
(slowing down) Hey-ey-ey-ey, hey (he takes a bite) Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo
(he collapses on the floor)
DREW: Don't go away, we'll be right back with the "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
Find out who the winner is. Don't go anywhere.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner:
Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner.
WAYNE: Me?
DREW: Yes. Aren't we lucky to live in America, because the rest of us get to
do a little game for you called World's Worst. And we're going to go up on
the World's Worst step here, and we have to come up with as many examples as
we can of the world's worst what?
WAYNE: You're going to be the world's worst television program.
DREW: World's worst television program. Really?
(Wayne overexaggerates laughing)
DREW: Mimi, shut up, you fatso. (buzz)
GREG: Well, here's the paint. Still a little tacky, let's watch. (buzz)
RYAN: Welcome to a very special three-hour Hoedown. (buzz)
COLIN: We're now... round three of championship dominoes. (buzz)
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Senior Sex Talk," right after this.
(buzz)
(Greg walks up to the camera, placing his face in it)
GREG: Hi, and welcome back to "You're Sitting Too Close." (buzz)
(Drew walks up the camera, placing his face in it)
DREW: Hey, welcome to another episode of "What's Up My Nose?" (buzz)
COLIN: What's going to happen today on "Things Your Cat Can't Swallow"?
(buzz)
DREW: Hi, I'm Larry Flynt, welcome to "Bible Hour." (buzz)
GREG: If he makes this putt through the dragon, he'll win a free game.
(buzz)
COLIN: Today on "Celebrity Phlegm"... (buzz)
GREG: You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You put your
right foot in, now you try. (buzz)
RYAN: Hey, it's time to play "What's In My Pants?"
(buzzer)
DREW: All right, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after
this, don't go away.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the
show tonight with Wayne and Colin reading the credits for us. And I want you
guys to read the credits as screaming fans at a pop concert. Screaming fans
at a pop concert. So good night everybody, thanks for watching "Whose Line."
COLIN: Dan Patterson, he's so dreamy!
WAYNE: Oh my God! And there's Jimmy Mulville!
COLIN: Look, Mark Leveson! Oh, he makes glasses cool!
(Wayne takes his panties and waves them)
COLIN: Oh, I can't get mine.
WAYNE: Greg Proops! (he takes off his bra and shakes his chest) Greg Proops!
COLIN: Steve Blum! Steve Blum!
WAYNE: I love you! I love you!
COLIN: Oh... (he becomes faint)
WAYNE: Alison! Alison! Oh my God! I love you!
(Wayne helps Colin, then they see Greg and Ryan playing instruments in the
background and attack them)
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)