Episode 223

Original airdate: November 18, 1999
Performers: Wayne Brady, Josie Lawrence, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Questions Only: in a lingerie department
Whose Line: Ryan is Zorro chasing Colin
Props: Josie and Ryan have two moose antler shapes, Colin and Ryan have two
  red horseshoe shapes
Scenes From a Hat: Odd hijacker demands, rejected themes for restaurants,
  video tapes that won't sell out at Blockbuster, interview questions you'd
  like to hear asked of a Miss America contestant, the wrong thing to say
  when she says "I love you", messages delivered a little late
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Chiropractor" as sung by
  Wayne and Josie
Hoedown: Josie, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about children
Credits: Colin and Ryan as disgruntled football fans

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Josie gets completely away with a statement in Questions Only?
   ...when we come back from commercial, Laura and Linda aren't at their
      instruments like usual?
   ...all of the bleeping kind of ruins the joke?
   ...this is the third time the word "laid" has been censored?

References

"The Tonight Show" (TV)
   - "Here's Johnny!"
"The Drew Carey Show" (TV)
   - Drew mentions "The Full Carey" episode where many of the male characters
     got completely naked
"The Bullwinkle Show" (TV)
   - Ryan talks to Rocky
"Titanic" (film)
   - Ryan spoofs its famous line
"The Man Who Would be King" (film)
   - "The Man Who Would Be Don King"
"Yakety Yak" (song)
   - Ryan rewords its lyrics for a Greatest Hits title

Déjà vu

102 -- Zorro as a scene

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: You don't bring me flowers. Wayne Brady! You don't sing me
love songs. Josie Lawrence! You don't return my phone calls. Colin Mochrie!
And get out! Just get out! Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come
on down, let's have some fun. Hello. Hello hello hello. Hello, good evening.
Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up
and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like a
suggestion box in Tiananmen Square. The points don't matter. If you've never
seen the show before, what happens is our performers are going to come up,
they're going to make up everything you see right off the top of their heads.
Then we give them points at the end of every game, just to tie the show
together, a little gag we do. And at the end of the show we pick a winner,
and the winner gets to do something special with me. Proving that success
does not always bring happiness. Let's start out with a game called Questions
Only, this is for all four of you. Josie and Wayne, you're going to start.
They can only speak in questions. This is also a great party game, if you're
ever, don't have any booze, you can play Questions. And what happens is, they
can only speak in questions, and I'm going to give them a scene, and then if
one of them goes wrong, I'll buzz them out (buzzer) and the other one takes
their place. A little contest to see who can stay out here the longest. The
scene is, you're in the lingerie section of a department store on Valentine's
Day. Lingerie section of a department store on Valentine's Day, questions
only, go ahead.
WAYNE: Does this fit me?
JOSIE: Are you asking me?
WAYNE: Could you put your arms around me and make me feel loved?
JOSIE: Wouldn't you prefer those in pink, sir?
WAYNE: Oh, do you have raspberry?
JOSIE: What are you implying there, sir?
WAYNE: You ever seen a cross-dresser?
(Wayne takes off the panties and swings them in the air while shaking his
pelvis. He puts them back on, then puts a bra on.)
JOSIE: Sir, sir, have you ever seen these?
(Josie walks in front of Wayne, her back to the camera, and opens her jacket)
WAYNE: What are those?!
JOSIE: I don't know, you tell me. (buzz)
DREW:  Nice try.
(Colin replaces Josie)
(Wayne is pushing a pushbroom)
COLIN: What you doing?
WAYNE: Can't you see I'm getting rid of all the daily bras?
COLIN: Why do you do that?
WAYNE: Do I have to tell you everything?
COLIN: Would I be asking if you didn't?
WAYNE: Do you want a job?
COLIN: Doing what?
WAYNE: Want to pick these up?
COLIN: Is this okay?
WAYNE: Does Victoria have a secret?
(Colin pauses, laughs, and leaves) (buzz)
(Josie replaces Colin)
JOSIE: I'm looking for something for my honeymoon.
WAYNE: Mmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm... (he leaves while mumbling) (buzz)
(Ryan replaces Wayne)
RYAN:  Are you the salesgirl who's showing her breasts to everyone?
(Josie shuns Ryan with her hands and leaves) (buzz)
(Colin replaces Josie. He pretends to open his jacket to Ryan.)
RYAN:  You're the salesgirl?
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, that's enough.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Man, Wayne looks like he's taken off a bra or two in his life, doesn't
he? He was really good at that. I want to give a thousand points to Josie for
classing up the place with her fake British accent. (laughs) Believe it or
not, here on "Whose Line is it Anyway?", we actually have a game called Whose
Line.
WAYNE: Aw...
DREW:  And this is for Colin and Ryan, yep.
WAYNE: Crazy Drew Carey.
DREW:  Colin and Ryan, the audience supplied random lines for the show. And
we have them write down stuff, this is some of the things they write down.
Colin, this is your lines, Ryan this is yours. Stuff them in your pocket. And
they're going to play out a scene, and they have to use the lines that are
written down there in their pockets. The scene is, Zorro, played by... Ryan.
(Ryan acts disappointed) Catches up with the leader of the Mexican guard,
played by Colin. Go ahead.
(Ryan sits on something and makes horse riding noises while bouncing up and
down)
COLIN: What are you doing on my exercise machine?
(Ryan gets off)
RYAN:  You thought you could run away from me? You can't run away from me.
(he pulls out a very small sword) I won't need a big sword for you.
(Ryan pokes Colin with the small sword. Colin takes it and breaks it.)
COLIN: You'll never take me alive, Zorro. I bet you're wondering what part of
Mexico I'm from. I was educated in Oxford.
RYAN:  You must come back with me, you have committed many crimes. Apparently
I'm from the same neighborhood.
COLIN: You will never take me, Zorro.
RYAN:  I made a promise to the people of the village. They said, "Bring him
back, Zorro, bring him back." And I looked them all in the eyes and said...
"Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" I wanted to change my name from Zorro to Johnny,
but the J is so hard to carve in the all. It takes two motions rather than
just the Z.
COLIN: I'm sorry, I was amused by your accent. You will never take me. I will
say, as my fathers and forefathers said before me when anyone tried to
capture them... "My poodle's stuck in the heater vent." And once my poodle is
free, he will chew your ankles down to the bone.
RYAN:  You would hide behind a dog, like the dog you are.
COLIN: Hey. Hey.
RYAN:  I shall take you back. And as you hang from that rope, I will look up
to you and say... "Let me be your love monkey." Perhaps I have said too much.
COLIN: I'm getting mixed signals here.
RYAN:  I will take you back, but not for the villagers. I want you to come
live with me.
COLIN: Okay.
RYAN:  Just that easy?
COLIN: Well, if it's between hanging from the highest yardarm or living with
a man with a nice hat and a mask.
RYAN:  You will come back. Tell me the words I want to hear.
COLIN: Are you sure?
RYAN:  Yes. No, look in my eyes and tell me.
COLIN: I will. Here are the words I've tried to say to you ever since you
first followed me on horseback. "Seeing you naked changed my life."
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Certainly, certainly changed my life. I don't know it changed your
life, too. Thousand points to those of us who've seen Ryan naked. (Wayne
raises his hand) Like, everybody in America. (Ryan starts counting audience
members) Lot of people forget that on "The Drew Carey Show," Ryan and I have
been totally naked.
RYAN:  Of course, some of us needed a wide-angle lens.
(the audience "ooh"s)
DREW:  And some of us needed a zoom.
(Ryan makes an invisible mark for Drew)
DREW:  Let's go on to a game called Props. This is for all of you. Ryan and
Josie, this is your prop, and there you go. And Colin and Wayne, this is your
prop. I don't know what's in there.
(Josie and Ryan have two tan foam pieces shaped somewhat like cartoon moose
antlers. Wayne and Colin have two lyre shapes covered in red fabric with
something rattling inside.)
DREW:  Ryan and Josie, you're going to start. You have to go back and forth
and think of as many funny things to do with the props as you can. Starting
with Ryan and Josie, whenever you're ready, go.
(Ryan lifts the props to his head)
RYAN:  Hey, Rocky! (buzz)
(Colin and Wayne put the props over their heads to resemble hair. They sing
"ooo" and wave their hands.) (buzz)
(Ryan holds the props behind Josie's back and flaps them like angel wings)
JOSIE: Merry Christmas, everybody. (buzz)
(Colin holds his prop underneath him to look like a saddle.)
WAYNE: You need a quarter? (Wayne puts a quarter in and Colin starts shaking
his prop) (buzz)
(One prop is on the floor. Ryan takes the other prop and interlocks them by
the bumps)
RYAN:  Not much of a jigsaw puzzle. (buzz)
(Wayne holds one prop upright)
WAYNE: Honey, put it down!
COLIN: Sorry. (buzz)
(Ryan has the props sticking out from under his arms)
JOSIE: Ah, who's a happy seal, then? (Ryan claps the props) (buzz)
(Wayne and Colin look at one prop that is standing upright on the floor)
COLIN: Aye, it's the two-headed Loch Ness Monster!
WAYNE: That's great! Look at it! (buzz)
(Ryan, in profile, puts a prop over his face)
RYAN:  You don't think my hair is too puffy? (buzz)
(with both props standing upside-down on the floor, Wayne begins to perform a
gymnastics routine on them)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" right after this, don't go away.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" I hope you're enjoying the
show with your whole family, 'cause I think your daughter's hot. Yeah. I can
see right through your TV. Let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat.
This is for all four of you. Ryan and Colin, Josie and Wayne, go to your
positions. And I have this little all-American hat. (to Josie) No offense.
Like to rub it in. What we're going to do is, before the show we asked the
audience to write down suggestions, and we take the good ones, put them in a
hat. And these are scenes that the audience would like to see acted out by
the performers, I'm going to read them out and see how many they can act out.
Here we go. "Odd hijacker demands."
WAYNE: All right, all right, you get over, and you riverdance. (buzz)
COLIN: Make a left! (buzz)
RYAN:  Take me to Cuba Gooding Jr.!
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Rejected themes for restaurants."
WAYNE: Come on in, howdy fella
       You can catch salmonella
       Eat it (buzz)
JOSIE: Hello, and welcome to dead (censored), a hundred and nine recipes that
you can do with your (censored).
(buzzer)
DREW:  I don't know if they told you, but in America we can only get away
with that if you pronounce it (censored). It's okay.
JOSIE: I'm so sorry.
DREW:  That's all right.
RYAN:  Oh, don't be sorry.
DREW:  Ain't nothing wrong with it, baby. I'm not saying there's something
wrong with it, I'm just saying you can't say it.
RYAN:  They don't like it.
DREW:  All right, here we go. "Videotapes that won't sell out at
Blockbuster."
JOSIE: Hello, and for the next 55 minutes you're going to see just me going,
"Ooh hey ho hey ho, ooh, hey ho hey ho, ooh, hey ho hey ho..." (buzz)
RYAN:  I'm queen of the world! (buzz)
WAYNE: (rubbing lotion on his arms) Oh, hi there. I'm Drew Carey. (continues
to apply lotion)
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Interview questions you'd like to hear asked of a Miss America
contestant."
WAYNE: Miss Illinois: Are those real? (buzz)
RYAN:  Can you pick up that quarter without using your hands?
(buzzer)
DREW:  "The wrong thing to say when she says 'I love you.'"
JOSIE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... (buzz)
WAYNE: That's nice, but... you're not John. (buzz)
COLIN: Yeah, keep the change.
(buzzer)
DREW:  I love when personal experience seeps into the... "Messages delivered
a little late." "Messages delivered a little late."
RYAN:  Custer, stay where you are. (buzz)
COLIN: Mr. Lincoln, the show got bad reviews! (buzz)
RYAN:  Mr. Clinton, stay away from the fat broad.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, thank you very much.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  That was great, a thousand points apiece. And by the way, PBS called,
they want their tote bags back. Let's go on to a game called Greatest Hits.
This is for all four of you, with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.
Colin and Ryan are TV announcers talking about the latest compilation album
they're trying to sell. Wayne and Josie are going to try to sing the songs
that Ryan and Colin tell them to. And what we need from the audience is
something you look to find in the yellow pages.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW:  Chiropractor. Chiropractor, that was the first one I heard. Let's take
that one. So the name of your album is "Songs of the Chiropractor," take it
away.
RYAN:  Hi. We'll return you to your movie presentation of "The Man Who Would
Be Don King" in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you.
COLIN: As long as people have been cracking each other's backs, it's set off
music to make the heart sing. And we've come up with a collection of over
eight thousand and fifty-three songs all about the chiropractor and the job
they do.
RYAN:  That's correct, Colin, and not just songs from here in America, but
songs all from all over the world. Almost missed a word there.
COLIN: That's because you're drunk.
RYAN:  Shh. (he puts his hand on Colin's arm)
COLIN: Don't touch me.
RYAN:  Including that number one hit tango song, "Crackety Crack, Don't Talk
Back."
(music begins)
(Wayne and Josie begin to dance. Wayne cracks Josie's back, then Josie dips
Wayne and cracks his back.)
WAYNE: Oh, my back
JOSIE: Oh-ohhh...
WAYNE: It hurts so far
JOSIE: Oh-oh-ohhhh...
WAYNE: So crickety-crack, why don't you crack my lower lumbar
JOSIE: Do it to me good, oh that feels so fine
(Wayne cracks Josie's back)
JOSIE: Why don't you just manipulate my spine
(singing together)
WAYNE: Shh, so crickety-crack, don't talk back, just don't
JOSIE: Crickety-crack
WAYNE: Shh, don't crack oh crack
JOSIE: Crickety-crack, crack
WAYNE: Shh, c-crack c-crack crack
JOSIE: Crickety-crack crack on my back
WAYNE: C-c-crack don't, ha
JOSIE: Crack crack crickety-crack
WAYNE: With the crick and the crack
JOSIE: And the crack
WAYNE: And the don't talk
BOTH:  Back
(music ends)
(Colin slaps Ryan to wake him up)
COLIN: Songs of the chiropac, practor is something you can... I knew I
shouldn't have taken a nip.
RYAN:  (drunkenly) Sorry.
(Colin just looks at the camera)
RYAN:  No, no, go, go, go. (normally) Songs of the chiropractor go back many
a many years.
COLIN: Do they?
RYAN:  Yes they were, and I know as a young black child growing up in The
Bronx, none was more popular to me than that boogie-woogie hit, "Is That a
Bulging Disc or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"
(music begins)
WAYNE: Oh tell me, what can I do
       Is something wrong with your L2
       Oh tell me tell me tell me, the part of the risk
       Is that a bulge bulge bulge bulging disc
       Or, don't you see
       Are you happy to see me
       Meshoodly doo doo, doo doo, my back
JOSIE: Are you taking a funny line
       Is there something wrong with your spine
       Don't worry about your back
       All you need is a little crack
       Your shoulders, they will all feel fine
       Come on, come and sing this spine song
(music ends)
RYAN:  Hey, Colin.
COLIN: Yes, Ryan?
RYAN:  How many songs are on this 2-D, CD set? 2-CC, 2-D, CD set? (they
laugh)
COLIN: I mentioned it earlier. If you weren't listening, tough. (they look at
each other) Oh, have a coffee. You know, we have songs from almost every era.
And one of my favorites is this great Gilbert and Suillivan song,
"Readjustin'-Justin' While the Wind is Gustin'-Gustin'."
(music begins)
WAYNE: I'm a general, you know.
       Oh, alas and alack and alack
       And crick and a crack all the way to my back
       And though I do not 'cause my back it's a bust
       Oh help me adjust-just-just
JOSIE: I will help you adjust-just-just, I'll crack and crack your back
       I will crack your back when you have a rheumatoid attack
(singing together)
JOSIE: Crack crack crack I'll crack them then
WAYNE: Crack crack crack when the wind
JOSIE: While you have such a rheumatoid attack
WAYNE: And the wind and a must adjust
JOSIE: And when you have your back away
WAYNE: And adjustin' adjustin' the crack in the wind
JOSIE: I'll help you so
WAYNE: And the crack and the lower lumbar
(the audience applauds so you can't hear them)
(they end singing together, Josie hits a short high note)
(music ends)
DREW:  We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after
this, don't go anywhere. Find out who the winner is. You want to see that,
don't you?

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" It's a three-way tie, Ryan,
Colin, and Josie are all the winners. (to Wayne) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! So we won,
we get to do a Hoedown, yeah, with the help of Laura Hall. A Hoedown. What I
need from the audience is a suggestion for something a husband and wife might
fight about.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW:  Children. Let's do the children Hoedown with the help of Laura Hall.
Laura Hall, take it away.
(music begins)
JOSIE: Just the other day my husband said to me
       "Darling, why don't we start a family?"
       What a silly notion, what a silly whim
       Why do I need children when I've already got him?
DREW:  I don't pay alimony, I don't pay child support
       I don't pay nothing of no kind of that sort
       I get to keep all the money that I'm paid
       How can you have any children if you never ever get (censored)?
COLIN: My wife always bugged me to start a family
       But I had a real low sperm count, so it was hard, you see
       So we did something that I think was really bold
       We adopted triplets, they're girls and eighteen years old
RYAN:  The wife and I just had a kid again
       I guess this brings the grand total, I think it is ten
       How we had another, I just can't see
       Since two years ago I had a vasectomy
ALL:   Vasectomy
DREW:  Hey. Thanks for watching, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line"
right after this. Don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight with Ryan and Colin reading the credits. I want you to read the
credits as two disgruntled football fans sitting in the bleachers. Two
disgruntled football fans in the bleachers. Good night, everybody. Thanks for
watching.
COLIN: Come on Patterson, pick it up!
RYAN:  Ryan Stiles couldn't catch a pass if his life depended on it.
COLIN: Look at Mark Leveson, he's too small for the team!
RYAN:  Oh, please! Come on, Tom Park, what's wrong with you?
WAYNE: I want to go in.
COLIN: Ruth, you can't go in.
RYAN:  You can't go in.
WAYNE: I want to go in.
COLIN: Bruce Ryan, come on, just pick up the ball and run!
RYAN:  Hey, maybe if we put Josh Gilbert in.
COLIN: Or what about Eve McGorrill?
JOSIE: I'll go in, I'll go in.
RYAN:  Are you ready, Josh?
JOSIE: Yeah.
COLIN: Kenneth R. Shapiro, get out of there!
RYAN:  Come on, Michelle Pershing!
(Josie runs forward off the stage)
RYAN:  Oh! Oh!
COLIN: Oh my God, she's British!


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)