Episode 226
Original airdate: February 3, 2000
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Superheroes: Colin, as Captain Obvious, solves dry skin
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Ryan discovers his wife, Colin, with
ski instructor Wayne -- western, Three Stooges, cooking show, "South Park"
News Flash: Chip and Ryan in the studio, Colin in front of overweight people
exercising
Duet: Wayne and Chip sing to Tina from Canada as Bruce Springsteen
Party Quirks: Chip hosts, Wayne performs a "Baywatch" rescue, Colin tries to
incite a riot, Ryan is Wile E. Coyote
90-Second Alphabet: Drew, Colin, and Ryan are having an argument on the
pitcher's mound
Credits: Colin and Ryan are squealing gangsters
Did you notice...?
Scott Robinson:
...News Flash is always played after a musical game, because every time
Colin goes to the green screen, the musicians are leaving their playing
area?
...we don't hear Ryan say one real word during the second segment of the
show?
...90-Second Alphabet has yet to stay under 90 seconds?
...Ryan mentions Stacy Gale during the credit reading, but she's not
listed in the aired credits?
References
"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" (song)
"Stop! In the Name of Love" (song)
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" (song)
"Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head" (song)
- Drew's opening references for this episode
"Network" (film)
- Colin's riot-inducing "hungry" line resembles film's "I'm as mad as
hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
Déjà vu
212 - Colin repeats one of the earlier clues near the end of News Flash
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: I left my heart in Wayne Brady! Stop in the name of Chip
Esten! Tie a yellow ribbon around Colin Mochrie! And raindrops keep falling
on my Ryan Stiles! I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some
fun. Hello. Hi, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Yep, they don't matter,
just like the "Do not disturb" sign on your hotel room door. Don't mean a
thing to anybody. If you've never seen the show before, what happens is these
guys are going to come up, they're going to make everything up you see
tonight, right off the top of their heads. And at the end of every game I
give them points. Just a gag to hold the show together, doesn't mean anything
really. And then at the end of the show I pick a winner. The winner gets to
do a little something special with me. And the loser has to say, "Thank you
sir, may I have another?" Now let's start out with our first game, it's
called Superheroes. This is for all four of you. They're going to act out a
scene as superheroes. Colin, you're going to start, and then Ryan, Chip, and
Wayne are going to join them. And each person's going to name the next
superhero coming in. What we need from the audience is the name of an
unlikely superhero.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Captain... Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious is what I heard. So I need
a name of some kind of crisis a superhero would have.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Dry skin.
DREW: Dry skin. So dry skin, Captain Obvious, you have dry skin all over the
world, what are you going to do?
(Colin scratches his arms, then stops)
COLIN: I'm standing. (he looks around) I'm looking around. Perhaps there's
something on the Crisis Monitor, here, I turned it on. Dry skin. (he starts
scratching his arms again) Just thinking about it makes me want to scratch.
Oh, that's air going into my lungs. Well, I hope my friends will get here
soon to help me with this... (Ryan enters) Hey, here you come through the
door. (Ryan shakes Colin's hand) Shake my hand. I'm so glad you're here,
Captain Hyperactive Moth.
(Ryan starts fluttering his arms quickly)
RYAN: Boy, it's nice to be here. Nice to be here. (he flies back toward the
chairs)
COLIN: Say, you're like a moth and you're hyperactive. (Ryan flies over to
Colin's shirt and starts chewing on it) Look, there's dry skin. That's my
shirt. That's my shirt.
CHIP: I got here as soon as I could.
RYAN: Oh, the Jitterbug Boy.
(Chip begins dancing. He does the splits, bounces up, does them again, and
again. He gets up, dances some more, then grabs Ryan and lifts him into the
air twice.)
COLIN: Hey, you have to be in some kind of shape to do that.
WAYNE: Sorry I'm late.
CHIP: Thank God you're here, Thinks Everybody's on Fire Man.
WAYNE: Aaaaahhhh! Now, quickly... (He screams while trying to put out the
fire on his head. He runs around, pointing to the flames.) Stop it! Stop it!
(Wayne rolls on the floor. Chip begins to roll on the floor too. Wayne hops
over Chip and continues to roll. Chip does the splits again. They then both
get up.)
COLIN: Now, come on.
WAYNE: Lotion! Lotion! Get a lot of lotion! The lotion will help! The lotion
will help!
CHIP & WAYNE: The lotion will help! The lotion will help! (they dance off
together)
COLIN: You know, he wasn't really on fire.
RYAN: If you need me, I'll be hanging around your porch light for about an
hour.
(buzzer)
DREW: Hey, thousand points for everybody. Who ever thought that the
world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie? Let's go
on to a game called Film, TV, and Theater Styles. This is for Ryan, Colin,
and Wayne. What it is, is they're going to act out a scene, but I'm going to
make them do different styles of television, theater... Now what I need from
the audience is suggestions of styles of theater, styles of television,
styles of film.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Cooking, what? Western, surfing, cartoon, oh yeah, I am. Animé,
Stooges... "South Park." Okay, that's good, that's good. Wow, what a...
surfing, "South Park," what a smart crowd we have here. Okay, so what's going
to happen, they're going to start out the scene as normal, I'm going to come
in with the styles in a minute. The scene is, Ryan arrives at his ski lodge a
day early to discover his wife Colin in the arms of amorous ski instructor
Wayne. So, go ahead.
WAYNE: So now I'll show you the proper way to grasp the pole.
COLIN: Yes.
(Wayne places the poles in Colin's hands, then stands behind him holding his
arms)
WAYNE: Ready?
COLIN: I'm ready for the big slope now.
(Wayne puts Colin's arms in motion. They then hop from side to side together,
with Wayne moaning with each hop. They stop, and Wayne moves to Colin's side
and turns him so they're face to face.)
WAYNE: Enough with the pretense. I love you, bald woman.
RYAN: Honey, I'm home. Oh!
WAYNE: Oh!
COLIN: Oh!
WAYNE: Oh!
COLIN: Oh!
RYAN: What's she doing here?
(buzz)
DREW: Western.
RYAN: Well, I didn't expect to find either one of you here. This cabin ain't
big enough for three of us.
WAYNE: I guess not. You barged in while I was getting ready to show Miss
Kitty a good time.
(Ryan and Wayne start to walk toward the cameras while looking at each other,
their spurs making noise. Ryan's spurs go "ka-chink" and Wayne's spurs go
"ding-a-ling-a-ling." They stop and face each other. Colin then walks
forward.)
COLIN: High heel, high heel, high heel.
(buzz)
DREW: Three Stooges.
(Ryan honks a horn)
WAYNE: Okay, wise guy. Poink! (he pokes Colin in the eyes)
(Colin tries to wave his hand in front of Wayne's face, but Wayne places his
hand sideways over his nose. Colin takes both of his index fingers and pokes
Wayne in the eyes.)
RYAN: (as Chico Marx) Hey. What's-a going on, can't we all-a get along
together here? (Colin and Wayne look at him quizzically) I don't know, give
me a break.
(buzz)
(Colin hits Ryan in the forehead)
RYAN: (still as Chico Marx) I got the wrong one.
DREW: What stooge was that?
RYAN: I know, I know.
DREW: That was Marx Brothers.
RYAN: I know, I know!
DREW: That wasn't, that was...
(Ryan briefly does his hyperactive moth impression again)
DREW: Just for that, cooking show.
COLIN: You know, maybe if we had some of my new muffins, we can discuss this
over muffins and tea.
WAYNE: Well, I wouldn't mind discussing over muffins and tea. Also, I was
thinking that the best way to make love is with a nice red wine and these
cherries to place atop your forehead while I kiss you.
RYAN: You know, I find when my wife is cheating, it's best to put her in an
oven at three-fifty for two hours.
WAYNE: Let's try.
(Ryan and Wayne put Colin in an oven)
WAYNE: Now because, now because we couldn't do this on a regular show, we
have a prepared wife in the other oven.
RYAN: Oh.
(Ryan and Wayne open the other oven and pull Colin out)
RYAN & WAYNE: Oh! (Wayne runs his finger over Colin's forehead and tastes it)
(buzz)
DREW: Now keeping it clean for the censor, "South Park."
WAYNE: (as Cartman) Hey, you! Respect my authoritah!
(Ryan lifts his hands in the air and prances to the other side of the stage)
COLIN: (as Chico Marx) I don't know-a what's-a going on around-a here.
WAYNE: Dude, I love my wife. I'll kick you right in the guts now. Roshambo.
(buzz)
(Wayne lifts one leg up and down four times. Ryan bends over with his arms to
the side and repeatedly vomits.)
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: Million points for each of you. That's twenty thousand points a year
for the next five hundred years, but you know. Let's go on to a game called
News Flash. This is a really great game. This is for Ryan, Chip, and Colin.
Ryan and Chip are going to be two news anchors in the studio. Colin, out to
the field, you're going to be a field reporter. Now where Colin is going, you
can see right there, he's in front of what we call a green screen. And look
behind you, just stare at it, all he can see is green. Because through the
magic of television...
(The green screen changes to the shot of Chip and Ryan on their stools. Ryan
tickles Colin's ear and shoulders while Chip pretends to pluck hair after
hair off of Colin's head.)
DREW: Through the magic of television, we're going to put a scene behind
Colin. Colin doesn't know what it's going to be. He can't see any of the
monitors, he can't see into the monitors on the camera, we covered them all
up. And he has to try to guess what's behind him. And then Ryan and Chip are
going to try to give him hints. So whenever you're ready, Ryan and Chip, off
to you in the studio.
RYAN: We'll return you to your movie in just a moment, but first we have a
special bulletin.
CHIP: Colin, are you out there? We see you now, can you hear us?
(the scene behind Colin is old black and white footage of people exercising)
COLIN: Yes, I can barely hear you, but yes, I am here.
RYAN: Colin, what exactly is going on there, how did this all start?
COLIN: It all started with a bad order of shrimp. Then a fight just broke
out, and then this started to happen. It started over here, and then it
worked its way to here.
CHIP: Colin, I know that you're very familiar with these surroundings, you
spend a lot of time at this place.
COLIN: Yes.
CHIP: Can you tell us, what are these people like?
COLIN: Well, usually they're very friendly. They're very, usually a
happy-go-lucky people. Often you can come down here and have a good beer and
a few polkas. But now, now it's just gone to this. And I'm hoping they'll get
on the right track soon.
RYAN: Colin, how do you think this is all going to work out?
(Colin shrugs and looks behind him. First he's looking at a close-up of a
large woman's rear being shaken by a vibrating belt, then he's looking at
women in devices that are like rolling pins going over their stomachs.)
COLIN: Well, your guess is as good as mine. I'm hoping for the best, but I'm
not optimistic.
(the scene shows several people in vibrating belt machines)
CHIP: Well, looks like there's a whole lot of shaking going on.
COLIN: Yes. Oh, certainly is. I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to stay
here and report this story to the very end.
RYAN: Well, there's no ifs, ands, or buts about that, Colin. You know, are
you in any sort of fear for your life at all?
COLIN: Oh, not too much. I feel fairly safe around this area. (he points
along the front of a man in a vibrating belt) I'm a little nervous. But as
long as I don't go back here, I think I'll be fine.
CHIP: Well, is there anything else you can tell us?
COLIN: You know, as I'm looking at this, I am reminded of when the U.S.
Olympic team won at Lake Placid.
RYAN: Oh, well. Wow. That's a, that's quite a weight to carry.
COLIN: Yes. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Big weighty butts.
DREW: That's very close, you want to take a, you want to take a regular
guess?
COLIN: Exercise.
DREW: Yes! (buzzer)
COLIN: People exercising.
DREW: Exercise! We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
right after this, don't go away!
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Sorry about the mess, but
during the break we were all practicing random acts of kindness on one
another. Let's go on to a game called Duet. This is for Chip and Wayne, and
with the help of Laura Hall, Linda Taylor, Anna Wanselius. I'm going to grab
somebody for him to sing a song to. Hi, what's your name?
TINA: Tina.
DREW: Tina. What do you do for a living, Tina?
TINA: Well, right now I'm on vacation from Canada.
DREW: She's on vacation from Canada. Come on down here, Tina. She's on
vacation from Canada.
(as Tina steps onstage and greets Wayne, Colin runs up and hugs her)
DREW: Tina's on vacation from Canada, and I want both of you to sing to her
like Bruce Springsteen.
(Music begins. Wayne and Chip dance.)
CHIP: Ooooohhhhhhhhh, yeah.
(Wayne puts on a bandana)
CHIP: Ooooohhhhhhhhhh, yeah.
WAYNE: A vacation's what the doctor ordered
When you made your way down across the border
Oh yeah
CHIP: I think we're sad down here, yeah we're cryin', ooooooooohh
'Cause we got Tina, we got Colin and Ryan, ooohhhhhh
Tina
WAYNE: Tina, Tina
CHIP: From Canada
WAYNE: From Canada
CHIP: Oh!
(They dance. Wayne pulls Tina off the stool and spins her under his arm.)
WAYNE: Oh, yes, for goodness sake
Tina is taking a break
From being a polite Canadian
CHIP: Yeah, the earth is shakin' 'cause you smell like bacon
Beyond belief, this little maple leaf
Did you bring me some syrup to put on my pancakes, Tina?
BOTH: Oh, Tina
WAYNE: Oh, Tina
CHIP: Oh, Tina
WAYNE: Up from up north
CHIP: Oh
BOTH: Tina
WAYNE: Tina, I hope you brought your passport
Oh-whoa
BOTH: Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
CHIP: Hey hey hey
BOTH: Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
(Music ends. Tina returns to her seat.)
DREW: Thank you, Tina.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: Hey, while you were doing that, Springsteen called. Told you to cut it
out. Five thousand points to Bruce Springsteen, wherever you are. Hope you
can take a joke. Let's go on to a game called Party Quirks. This game, Chip,
you're going to be hosting the party. Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, you're going to
be the guests. We've given each of them on these cards that they've never
seen before a strange quirk or identity. Chip, why don't you come on down
here. And Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, line up over there, I'll bring you in one
at a time with the doorbell, and you have to guess who they are. So Chip,
whenever you're ready, start the party.
CHIP: (on the phone) No, it's going to be a great party. I've got
everything, I've got food, I've got games, I've got the "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" home game. It came with an inflatable Drew doll, yeah. (doorbell) My
friend won't return it. Listen, I got to talk to you later, okay? (he hangs
up the phone and goes to the door) Hey, come on in.
WAYNE: ["A rescue on 'Baywatch'"] How you doing, man?
CHIP: Great.
WAYNE: What's up?
CHIP: What's up?
WAYNE: (looking into the distance) How you... how you doing. Excuse me. (He
begins to run in slow motion across the stage, where he picks up a floatation
device. He then runs toward the chairs, waving. He jumps into the space
between the chairs and the back wall, swims, and picks up a body.)
CHIP: Make yourself at home. (doorbell) Oh.
COLIN: ["Trying to incite a mass riot"] Hi.
CHIP: How you doing?
COLIN: (looking at a table in front of him) You call this food for a party?
CHIP: Well, I didn't...
COLIN: This is crap! We're not going to take this anymore! I'm hungry as hell
and I won't stand for it anymore! Hungry! Hungry! Hungry! (the audience
starts chanting "Hungry!") We want real food! We... food! Real food! Real
food! Real food! Real food! Real food! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (the audience
cheers)
(doorbell)
(Wayne grabs Colin and pulls him back, waving people away)
CHIP: Martha Stewart said that was enough. Come on in.
RYAN: ["Wile E. Coyote trying to catch Road Runner"] (he shakes Chip's hand)
CHIP: Hi, how are you?
(Ryan sees something in the distance. He puts on roller skates, ties a rocket
to his back, lights it, and takes off, disappearing behind the audience
behind Drew. The curtain in the back starts to shake.)
COLIN: No men flying! No men flying! No men flying! No men flying!
CHIP: Listen, if you're going to cause a riot in here, then I'm going to
have to ask you to leave. (buzz)
DREW: Yeah!
(Ryan zooms over and hits the wall next to his chair)
WAYNE: You! (he runs to the front of the stage with his chest flopping, grabs
a person, and lays them flat on the ground) Cody, we have to help him. (he
gives the person mouth-to-mouth and then looks up, breathing heavily)
CHIP: Oh, you're the Six Million Dollar Man, aren't you?
DREW: No! He's not.
(Wayne pushes Chip aside and runs to Ryan, who is spreading glue on the
ground. Wayne tries to pick Ryan up.)
CHIP: Well, please, leave my circus friend alone, please.
DREW: Nope.
CHIP: Leave rocket boy alone.
DREW: No.
(Wayne runs over to Drew, still flopping. He points to his thong, and makes a
sproinging noise.)
CHIP: Oh.
(Wayne is just about to give Drew mouth-to-mouth)
CHIP: A "Baywatch" girl. (buzz)
(Ryan has his feet stuck to the floor. A semi truck's horn sounds, and runs
over him.)
CHIP: I should invite test dummies more often.
DREW: No.
(Ryan puts on a helmet and climbs a ladder)
DREW: He got his supplies from the Acme company.
CHIP: Oh. Wile E. Coyote, welcome to my party.
(buzzer)
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line." Find out who the winner
is. Don't go away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner: Wayne
Brady!
WAYNE: Me!
DREW: Wayne Brady! And Ryan and Colin, we're going to do a little game for
you called 90-Second Alphabet when he sits at my desk. (to Chip) And you must
be the alternate loser. Chip's in the back. So we're going to do 90-Second
Alphabet. What happens is, we have to do a scene for you in 90 seconds. And
each time we speak a sentence, it has to start with the, the first word of
the sentence has to start with next letter of the alphabet. Starting with
what letter?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: E. Okay, we'll start with E. When we get back to E, that'll be the end
of the scene, hopefully we'll do it in 90 seconds. Wayne's going to time us.
And Wayne, what's our scene?
WAYNE: Ryan the pitcher, Drew the catcher, and Colin the manager are having
an argument on the mound at a crucial point at a baseball game.
DREW: Easy easy easy, hey. It's okay.
RYAN: Fred, tell him that I can't understand any of your signals.
COLIN: Gordon, he doesn't understand any of the signals. We've got to
concentrate and try to win this game.
DREW: Heck, I looked at the playbook.
RYAN: I'm the pitcher here, not you!
COLIN: Just keep your head.
DREW: Know what? I'm sick of both of you. I'm going to quit this team.
RYAN: Let me tell you something. You're nothing to this team. I'm the
pitcher, I hold it together.
COLIN: Maybe as the manager, we can listen to me.
DREW: Never won a championship.
RYAN: Oh! Oh, now we hear about the championship again.
COLIN: Perhaps we could just let that go by and let's concentrate on winning
the game.
DREW: Quitter! You quitter!
RYAN: Right field, that's where you should be, 'cause you're nothing!
COLIN: Stupid, too!
DREW: (makes a hard T sound in disgust)
RYAN: Usually at this point I would go back up up the mound and finish the
game, but I'm not going to tonight.
COLIN: Vernon, I mean whatever your name was, you've got to, you've got to.
DREW: Walk him, that's what you should do.
RYAN: (listening) Xylophone music.
COLIN: Young man, concentrate, concentrate!
DREW: Zounds, I hear it too!
COLIN: Albert, stop playing the xylophone!
(Ryan and Drew say "Baseball" at the same time. They stop, then both try to
start their sentences at the same time again.)
RYAN: Could you let me say something?!
COLIN: Don't shout.
DREW: Ever think you're at the end of the game?
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right
after this.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line." Tonight we're going to end the show with
Ryan and Colin reading the credits. Ryan and Colin, I want you to read the
credits like two gangster squealers giving up names. Thanks for watching,
everybody, see you next time, good night.
RYAN: You know, I don't want to say anything, but it's that Dan Patterson.
That's the dirty rat that finked us out.
COLIN: And Mark Leveson. Don't forget, he did everything.
RYAN: Yeah, I'm not going to tell you Tom Park's the guy who did it, I'm
telling you.
COLIN: He had the money. He had the money, I tell you.
RYAN: What are you trying to say to me?
COLIN: Nothing. I'm not saying anything.
RYAN: That Kieran Healy is the one who...
COLIN: And that Steven Blum, he's the one that...
WAYNE: Hey! Have you been squealing?
COLIN: No no no.
RYAN: No, we ain't been saying a thing about Stacy Gale, if that's what
you're thinking.
(Wayne and Chip beat up Colin and Ryan)
COLIN: Don't be... Delia Frankel, Julie Rhine, Keith Winikoff, Brad Zerbst,
Michelle Pershing, George Harvey.
RYAN: If Michelle Pershing were here, she'd beat the crap out of you, I'm
telling you right now.
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)