Episode 228

Original airdate: February 17, 2000
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Superheroes: Colin, as Cheese Man, learns there is no more Spam
Title Sequence: "Satan and the Schoolgirl"
Scenes From a Hat: odd definitions found in Webster's Dictionary,
  inappropriate things to do with a loved one's ashes, bad things to say to
  someone on their deathbed, things you don't want to see on your TV screen,
  prizes you'd like to find in your cereal box, bad songs to serenade her
  with, lines you should not open a sermon with
Narrate: Colin and Ryan at a gas station
Greatest Hits: Colin and Ryan pitch "Songs of the Pizza Parlor," sung by
  Wayne and Chip
90-Second Alphabet: Drew and Colin talk to zookeeper Ryan about escaped
  animals
Credits: Wayne and Chip as preachers

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...the Narrate scene really doesn't take place at a gas station, more of a
      garage?
   ...how many times Drew uses the word "unlikely" when soliciting audience
      suggestions?
   ...there are three people named Bruce on the crew of this episode... and
      Wayne and Chip managed to name them all during the credit reading?

References

"You Light Up My Life" (song)
"You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" (song)
"Wind Beneath My Wings" (song)
"Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing" (song)
   - Drew's opening references
"Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" (film)
   - a low-budget version would be "Three Brides for a Brother"

Déjà vu

In episode 4.13 of the British series, in the Cheese Making Hoedown, Ryan
attempts a pun on the word "edam." It went about as successfully as Colin's
attempt here.

Miscellaneous

Was pizza originally developed in America? According to several pizza
information web sites, this may not be the case. According to those pages,
what we now know as pizza actually developed in Naples, Italy several
centuries ago as a result of combining limited ingredients to create a meal.
And since it's hard to determine what qualities an early food needs to have
to qualify as the true predecessor of modern pizza, there probably won't be a
final conclusion as to where modern pizza originated.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: You light up my life. Wayne Brady! You make me feel like
dancing. Chip Esten! You are the wind beneath my wings. Colin Mochrie! And
you did a bad, bad thing. Ryan Stiles! I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on
down, let's have some fun. Hello.
(as the audience applause stops, Ryan begins to clap)
DREW:  Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where... thank you,
Ryan. (Ryan stops) The show where everything's made up and the points don't
matter. That's right, the points are like... I don't know, spy satellites
over Canada. Why do we bother? Don't mean a damn thing. If you've never seen
the show before, what happens is these guys are going to come up, they're
going to make everything up for you, right off the top of their heads. Then
we give them points at the end of every game, I don't know why, doesn't mean
a thing. And we pick a so-called winner at the end of the show. And the
winner gets to do a little something special for you. And the loser, yep. And
the loser has to load the mule. Little hint for you about things to come.
We're going to start the show off with a game called Superheroes, I love this
game. Colin, you're going to start. And Ryan, Chip, and Wayne are going to
come in. Colin's going to start as an unlikely superhero, then they're going
to name each other's superhero names as they come in. Try to screw each other
up. What we need first is an unlikely name of a superhero.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Cheese Man.
DREW:  Cheese Man. Yeah, okay, Cheese Man's going to be okay. What kind of
crisis would we be dealing with today?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  What? Out of Spam, I like that one, that was a good one.
COLIN: Out of Spam.
CHIP:  Out of Spam.
DREW:  Out of Spam. Cheese Man, we're out of Spam, what are you going to do?
(Colin takes a drink, then slices part of his side off and eats it)
COLIN: Mmm, that's gouda. (he takes a drink, then suddenly looks at the
monitor) Holy curds! It looks like Spam has run out all over the world. What
can I do? I'll need my super friends, quickly. Or slowly.
RYAN:  Sorry I'm late. (he pokes at Colin's chest)
COLIN: Thank goodness you're here, Random Acts of Violence Boy.
(Ryan punches Colin several times in the face, then once in the groin)
RYAN:  Sorry, that was rather random.
CHIP:  I'm here.
RYAN:  Thank God. Thank God, Captain Limbo.
(Ryan swings at Chip, Chip leans back)
CHIP:  Missed me. Missed again. Missed again. (he limbos forward and stands)
Ha ha.
(Ryan starts to punch himself)
WAYNE: Sorry I'm late.
CHIP:  Thank God you're here, Captain Hugs-a-Lot.
(Wayne hugs Chip)
WAYNE: Now what can I do, what can I... oh. (he hugs Colin)
(Wayne sees Ryan. He hugs Ryan around the waist. Ryan starts swinging in the
air above Wayne. Chip limbos underneath.)
COLIN: We're out of Spam, we're out of Spam.
WAYNE: We're out of Spam. Quickly, I'll run down to the grocery store, I know
the guy, I'll give him a big hug, and we'll get cans for everyone. I love
you.
(Wayne hugs Colin and kisses him on the cheek. He hugs Chip and kisses him on
the cheek, then runs over to Drew's desk, climbs up, and kisses Drew on the
forehead.)
CHIP:  I'll go check under the table. (he limbos away)
RYAN:  Gotta go. Sorry about what I did earlier.
COLIN: That's all right.
(Ryan headbutts Colin and leaves.)
COLIN: Well, it looks like the crisis is averted. I'll go down to the
schoolyard and give children all the cheese I have. Oh no, I don't give edam.
(pause)
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Edam is a crossword puzzle cheese.
COLIN: Exactly.
DREW:  Thank God. Two thousand points for all of you for making the world
safe...
CHIP:  For Spam.
WAYNE: I salute you.
DREW:  Nice to know we can raise our children in a world free of Spam
bandits. Now let's go on to a game called Title Sequence. This is for all
four of you. And of course Laura Hall and Linda Taylor are going to help them
out. In this game, Wayne and Chip are going to sing a title song to a made-up
TV sitcom. And Ryan and Colin are going to act out the opening sequence. What
we need from the audience, we need the name of an unlikely sitcom name based
on like two unlikely roommates. Like...
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW:  Schoolgirl and Satan. Okay, great.
RYAN:  What was the other Satan one that was...? Was waiting for schoolgirl.
DREW:  (to audience member) Can I have your phone number when the show's
over? "Satan and the Schoolgirl." Yeah, honey, I'd love to play that game
with you. So Wayne and Chip, let's hear the title song to the hit ABC sitcom,
"Satan and the Schoolgirl."
(music begins)
WAYNE: Coming this fall, "Satan and the Schoolgirl."
(Ryan brushes his hair)
CHIP:  Well, little Kelly was brushing her hair, had a dress right down to
         her knees
       When who should walk in her front door was Mephistopheles
(Colin approaches Ryan, pantomiming devil horns. He pokes Ryan with a
pitchfork.)
WAYNE: Oh, she was Catholic, so they began to fight and grapple
       But the feud it ended the minute Satan gave her his apple
       It's Satan
CHIP:  Satan
WAYNE: And the Schoolgirl
CHIP:  And the Schoolgirl
WAYNE: Satan and the Schoolgirl
(Ryan eats the apple and Colin gives him devil horns)
BOTH:  It's Satan and the Schoolgirl
CHIP:  Yeah
(Ryan shows his skirt rising to become a miniskirt)
CHIP:  Well, what will happen, who can tell
       The schoolgirl might go to hell
(Colin and Ryan pantomime things coming out of their mouths)
WAYNE: You'd better believe this
       She's possessed, call the exorcist
       It's
BOTH:  Satan and the Schoolgirl
(Ryan and Colin put their heads together, side-by-side. Their horns get
stuck.)
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  I smell a spin-off. Let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat.
This is for all four of you. Ryan and Colin, Chip and Wayne. Now, before the
show we asked the audience to write some stuff down, suggestions for things
they'd like to see. And we put a bunch of them in this hat. The good ones,
not the crummy ones. And we're going to read them out and see how many the
performers can act out for us. Let's start with "Odd definitions found in
Webster's Dictionary."
WAYNE: Reptile. See lawyer. (buzz)
RYAN:  Cigar -- presidential aid. (buzz)
COLIN: Practical joke -- see Fooling someone. Fooling someone -- see
Practical joke. Practical joke...
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right. "Inappropriate things to do with a loved one's ashes."
(Colin vacuums)
(buzzer)
DREW:  It was inappropriate, what do you want? In the same vein, "Bad things
to say to someone on their deathbed."
RYAN:  What are you going to do with your stereo? (buzz)
CHIP:  Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! (buzz)
COLIN: About that twenty bucks you owe me. (buzz)
WAYNE: It's me, death. (removes mask) Just kidding! (buzz)
COLIN: So when do you think Jane will be ready to date again?
(buzzer)
DREW:  Boy. "Things you don't want to see on your TV screen."
WAYNE: Drew Carey naked wrestling chimpanzees. (buzz)
CHIP:  It's Satan and the Schoolgirl...
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Prizes you'd..." ha. "Prizes you'd like to find in your cereal box."
COLIN: Pamela Anderson.
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Bad songs to serenade her with."
RYAN:  Who?
DREW:  Her.
RYAN:  Oh.
DREW:  Any special someone.
(Ryan steps out)
RYAN:  You're the best I can get... (buzz)
COLIN: You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream
cheese, roll in the cream cheese...
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Lines you should not open a sermon with."
RYAN:  Are you ready for some football?! (buzz)
COLIN: How's it hanging? (buzz)
CHIP:  Let's get ready to gospel!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, that's it. We're going to see a commercial, we'll be right back
with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Don't go away.

DREW:  Let me ask the audience a question. Who wants to be a millionaire?!
(audience cheers)
DREW:  Too bad, 'cause you're watching "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show
where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the
points are like... I don't know, something that doesn't matter. Now let's
move on to a game called Narrate. This is for Colin and Ryan, and you're
going to act out a film noir scene and narrate for each other to the style of
some music that we already selected for you. And what we'd like from the
audience is an unlikely place, just an everyday place where people might
meet.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Coffee shop. Oh, gas station, I'm sorry, we have a winner. Gas
station. So you're at a gas station, and go ahead and start the scene.
(Ryan lies on his back and fixes a car)
COLIN: (narrating) He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that
mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other
one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin. It
had taken me eight years to track him down to this gas station. (speaking)
Jed? It's me, Phil.
RYAN:  (speaking) I recognize the voice. (narrating) As I was looking right
up his dress, I knew who it was. (he gets up) (speaking) Long time, no see.
COLIN: (narrating) Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when
you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and
burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead.
RYAN:  (speaking) What brings you by?
COLIN: (speaking) I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station
you opened up.
RYAN:  (speaking) Thanks. (narrating) Apparently he'd forgotten why he was
kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife
a lube job in late November. I wasn't going to bring it up again, I knew it
was a touchy subject for him. (speaking) Haven't seen you since the lube job.
COLIN: (speaking) Hey! Come on! What the hell?! Never mention that again!
RYAN:  (speaking) Sorry, it slipped.
COLIN: (narrating) I overreacted. But that was just to keep him off-guard for
what I was about to do next. (he grabs Ryan's nose) (speaking) You owe me a
hundred thousand dollars. (he slams his hand down over Ryan's nose)
RYAN:  Ow! (narrating) Yeah, it hurt. But I wasn't going to let him see that.
I was going to play it cool like I always did. (he looks at Colin and begins
to cry) Why'd you do that?
COLIN: (holding up a gun) (speaking) And now I'm going to do something I
should've done a long time ago.
RYAN:  (speaking) Take it easy with the rivet gun. You ain't gonna rivet no
one. (narrating) What he didn't was, know was, or was know, was that I was
dyslexic.
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  That's each a thousand you points for.
RYAN:  That made sense to me.
DREW:  Made sense to me. Now let's play a game called Greatest Hits. This is
for all four of you, with the help of Laura Hall, Linda Taylor, and Anna
Wanselius. Colin and Ryan are TV announcer guys, and they're talking about
the latest compilation album they're trying to sell. And Wayne and Chip are
going to try to sing snippets of the songs that these guys throw out to them.
What I need from the audience is something you look to find in the Yellow
Pages.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  What?
RYAN:  Oh, I heard pizza.
DREW:  Okay, pizza, we'll do pizza. Pizza parlor it is, pizza place. So the
name of your album is "Songs of the Pizza Place," take it away.
COLIN: We'll be back to our low-budget musical comedy, "Three Brides for a
Brother," in just a second.
RYAN:  You know, as long as there's been cheese and small, salty fish,
there's been pizza. People have loved it for centuries, or hundreds of years
at least. You know, Colin, an interesting fact is pizza was discovered, or
made first, not discovered, 'cause then it would be under a rock or
something. Made first here in America, and not in Italy, as most people
think.
COLIN: I knew that.
RYAN:  Fun fact. You know, we've put together all the songs about pizza that
we could find, and that's thirty of them, on this two-CD set.
COLIN: You know, when I was a college student, I used to go to the Alps,
where I learned how to yodel and rescue people stuck in the snow. And that's
why this next song holds a special place in my heart. That yodeling country
and western song, "Mozzarellalalalalalala."
(music starts)
CHIP:  Eeeeeeeeeeeeee
WAYNE: Ohohla ohohlo ohohla ohohlo
CHIP:  Lo-ohlayeeay
WAYNE: Oh sometimes I think that I'm a lucky fella
CHIP:  Fella
WAYNE: On my big deep-dish I like mozzarellala
CHIP:  Sometimes I think it tastes better
       If you use a little gouda or you use a little cheddar
       But I also like to use my mozzarellala
WAYNE: Here we go
(they harmonize while yodeling through the end of the song)
COLIN: Oh, that brings back memories of people being trapped in the snow and
having to eat each other.
RYAN:  Good times.
COLIN: I was in college during the sixties, there was a lot of protest
around, but I was too busy organizing pep rallies. And that's why this next
song... oh, I studied too. Studied very hard. I didn't get very far, look.
RYAN:  You're doing just fine.
COLIN: Oh, thanks. But still, when I hear this college fight song, I just
melt. And that song, of course, is "Pizza Heck Out of You."
(music begins)
CHIP:  Whoo.
WAYNE: Whoo.
CHIP:  Hey hey
BOTH:  hey hey hey hey.
CHIP:  We're gonna bake bake bake all our pizza, all the other pizza teams
         will bust
       Because ours are flaky and rich and meaty and they have a special
         crust
WAYNE: Oh here is something that'll knock you for a loop
       Pizza is a brand new food group
       That is right, don't be such a smarty
       Pizza is the best food at a frat party
CHIP:  Yeah!
WAYNE: Whoo-hoo! Spirit dance! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
RYAN:  Hey, Colin.
COLIN: Yes, Ryan.
RYAN:  Do you think $60.95 is too much to ask for a CD set like this?
COLIN: Certainly not.
RYAN:  Well, that's what it is, then. $60.95. You know, Colin, growing up in
the forties as I did, there's one song that's close to my heart to this day.
It's a doo-wop hit. I don't know if you remember it.
COLIN: No, I don't.
RYAN:  I don't either. It's a doo-wop hit, and its title is...
COLIN: Oh, the anticipation is incredible. I bet it's going to be so
hilarious.
RYAN:  Oh. Have I told you how much I love working with you?
COLIN: No.
RYAN:  It's that doo-wop hit, "Keep the Buck." (he smiles and hits Colin)
(music begins)
WAYNE: Doodoodoo
CHIP:  Ooowaa-aaa
BOTH:  Aaa-aa-aa-aa
CHIP:  Well well well, thank you, thank you, you drove so far
       In your little red and white blue car
       So thank you
WAYNE: Thank you
CHIP:  And you can keep the buck
WAYNE: Keep the buck
       Oh, and I know many pizza guys across the nation
       They do this job, they don't have higher education
CHIP:  Yeah
WAYNE: Oh, so why don't you just take this dollar and put it in your hand
CHIP:  Put it in your hand
WAYNE: And maybe you can get a better job maybe by being, hmm, a trashman
CHIP:  Thank you
WAYNE: Hey, keep the buck
CHIP:  Now keep the buck
WAYNE: Keep it, keep it, keep it, I insist
CHIP:  Get back in your little white truck
WAYNE: You gotta keep the buck, just go
CHIP:  And you can
BOTH:  Keep the buck
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. Hey, that's great. When we come back, the winner
gets to do a little something special with me, you don't want to miss it,
come right back for more "Whose Line."

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winners: Ryan and
Colin, Ryan and Colin are the winners, how about that. Ryan and Colin.
They're going to do a game with me called 90-Second Alphabet. What happens in
this game is we have to do a scene for you in ninety seconds, we have to use
the whole alphabet. Every sentence we say, the first word in the sentence has
to start with the next letter of the alphabet. Starting with what letter?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Q. We're starting with Q. And when we get back to Q, that means it
ends. This is also a good party game, if you want to play this at a party.
What's the scene?
WAYNE: You guys are at a zoo. And tourist couple Colin and Drew rush up to
zookeeper Ryan to report that the animals are escaping. And go.
DREW:  Quick, animals are escaping!
RYAN:  Really?
COLIN: Sure, look.
DREW:  Tens of them. Just running all over the place, wild.
RYAN:  Usually I just sweep up, but I'll see what I can do. Come back!
COLIN: Vipers! They're the most dangerous!
DREW:  Winged vipers! Oh my God.
RYAN:  Xaviera Hollander once told me that when animals escape, you should
just play it cool and they'll come back.
DREW:  Yes, and what else did she say?
COLIN: Zounds, man, tell us!
RYAN:  Absolutely nothing else.
COLIN: Boy, you're no help.
DREW:  Cow! There's a cow! How did a cow get, oh my God...
COLIN: Dear, dear, dear, dear, cows are fine.
RYAN:  Every cow in this place has been vaccinated, don't fear.
COLIN: Fear? I don't know the meaning of it.
RYAN:  Good.
DREW:  Hey. What's a cow doing in a zoo in the first place, what kind of a
zoo is this?
RYAN:  I thought you'd never ask. This is a very strange zoo. (he points at a
sign)
COLIN: "Just Very Strange Zoo." I never noticed the sign before.
RYAN:  Kinky, huh?
DREW:  Like we've never seen some kind of scam like this before, I want my
money back.
COLIN: Money money money, that's what we want back.
RYAN:  No.
DREW:  Oh, really?
RYAN:  Perhaps you'd like me to call the manager. Bob? (as the manager) Yes?
DREW:  Queer kind of a thing just happened.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. We'll have more "Whose Line," right after this,
don't go away.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight with Chip and Wayne reading the credits for us. I want you to read
the credits as two preachers haranguing the congregation about their many
sins. Take it away, and we'll see you later everybody, good night.
WAYNE: Now many of you have sinned like Dan Patterson.
CHIP:  And Ryan Stiles 3:15 says you shouldn't.
WAYNE: Mark Leveson has been drunk every day of his life.
CHIP:  And Dan Cutforth is a fornicator.
WAYNE: Charles Esten and Ryan Stiles, they are sinners.
CHIP:  Bruce Ryan.
WAYNE: Sinners! Page five.
CHIP:  Put your hands up and pray for Bruce Baum.
(Colin and Ryan are in the back, making devil horns on their heads)
WAYNE: To you! And to you!
(Wayne rips pages out of the Bible and throws them at Colin and Ryan,
defeating them)
WAYNE: And Bruce Solberg, he is the light. Amen.
CHIP:  And thank you.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)