Episode 230
Original airdate: March 2, 2000
Performers: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Wayne is the contestant, Brad is in a beach movie, Colin
is Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde, Ryan is going through the stages of
marriage
Scene to Rap: "The Towering Inferno"
Props: Brad and Ryan have a large translucent dagger-shaped inflatable
object, Wayne and Colin have two red rubber balls with a projection on one
side
Moving People: Ryan, as Superman, rescues Colin, as Lois Lane, from a cliff
Greatest Hits: football
Questions Only: Drew, Wayne, Colin, and Ryan in a rumor-filled office
Credits: Brad and Colin accepting Oscars
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
..."chooser" is not a real word, yet it appears on the screen?
...Brad dies twice in this episode?
...Superman references in the opening and in Moving People?
...including twice with the "faster than a speeding bullet" innuendo?
References
"Superman" (comic book, among other things)
- Drew's introductions are all about this superhero
DJ Jazzy Jeff (musician)
- Drew twists his name for Linda Taylor
"Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" (song)
- Colin makes a mockery of this song
"Pinocchio" (film)
"Geppetto" (TV movie)
- Wayne (who's also in the TV movie) talks to Drew (who plays Geppetto)
"King Kong" (film)
- Brad plays King Kong in Props
"American Pie" (film)
- Drew mentions doing something to an apple pie
"Give It Away" (song)
- "I Said Punt" resembles this Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: Sent to Earth from planet Krypton. Brad Sherwood! Faster than
a speeding bullet. Wayne Brady! Lives in the Fortress of Solitude. Colin
Mochrie! And gets undressed in phone booths. Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host,
Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun. Hello. Hello, good evening.
Hello, everybody. Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, they don't
matter, just like the price tags at a 99-cent store. By the way, you know
what my favorite thing to do is? I buy stuff at the 98-cent store and then I
take it back to the 99-cent store. Then I make a penny every time. So what
happens if you've never seen the show before is these guys are going to come
up, they're going to make everything up off the top of their heads. Then
after every game we give points, I don't know why I give points, because the
points don't mean a thing, like I told you. And then we pick a winner at the
end of the show, not based on the points, 'cause they don't matter, but we
pick a winner. And the winner gets to do a little something special. I wish I
could tell you what it is. I can tell you it involves a donkey and an
eight-millimeter camera. So, with that, let's get the show started. That's
why I'm just the host, and I'm not really playing any of the games. Now let's
get on to the show. Start with our first game, it's called Let's Make a Date.
This is for all four of you, Let's Make a Date. Wayne is going to be a
contestant on a dating-type show, and Ryan, Colin, and Brad are going to be
the people hoping to be picked by you. We've put different things they have
to be on these cards here, they've never seen the cards before, this is the
first time they're seeing them. And Wayne, you have to try to guess who they
are by the end of the game. So if you're ready to start questioning them, off
you go.
WAYNE: Bachelor number one. See, men that I like, they love the outdoors. And
I want to know what you like. Do you like the outdoors?
BRAD: ["In a 1960s beach movie"] I haven't been indoors in about three and a
half years. What do you say you get in my Volkswagon bus and we go to Zuma
right now, 'cause the curls are breaking at nine feet!
WAYNE: That's what I'm saying, bachelor one, the bigger the curls, the
better, hey. Bachelor number two.
COLIN: Yes?
WAYNE: Tell me something. Do you think that Greco-Roman wrestling is
appropriate on the first date or no?
COLIN: ["Dr. Jekyll desperate not to turn into Mr. Hyde"] Well... (he coughs,
and takes a drink) That's a very interesting question. You see, the
profession... (His face begins to twist out of shape. He quickly fixes it
back into place.) You see, as a... (His right hand turns into a claw. He
shaves the hair off the back of his hands.) Yes. (he continues to twitch)
WAYNE: Bachelor number three, hello.
RYAN: Yes, I'm here.
WAYNE: I love live theater. I love the way that the performers dance upon
around the stage. Tell me, what do you like to perform?
RYAN: ["Going through all stages of marriage with the chooser"]
(romantically) I want to perform for you. I want to start off by saying how
much I love you and what kind... I find it hard to speak just being around
you. I'll do whatever you want to do. And don't say "nothing," 'cause I know
nothing just means nothing, whatever you want to do. (annoyed) Just clean up
the dishes, all right, that'd be the simple thing to do. (angry) Could I have
the remote, can I use the remote sometimes?
WAYNE: I will get back to you.
RYAN: Yeah, get back to me. Just get back to me, yeah.
WAYNE: Bachelor number one.
BRAD: Yeah, daddy-o, what's going on?
WAYNE: I love rap music. Why don't you give me a sample of your own beat
poetry?
BRAD: You got it. I'll take you to the clambake. And we will shake shake
shake and shimmy like Annette. Huh? Know what I mean? (pointing to Colin) Get
a load of the forehead beard on this dude.
(Colin holds his hand back from choking Brad)
WAYNE: Whoo. Cowabunga, bachelor one, cowabunga.
BRAD: Party on.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two.
COLIN: Yes.
WAYNE: I love...
(Colin's hand suddenly reaches over and rips Brad's heart out. Brad begins to
twitch on his stool. Colin calms down, puts Brad's heart back, and tries to
sew him up, but Brad falls on the floor. Colin rubs defibrillator panels
together.)
COLIN: Clear! (Colin shocks Brad, but Brad doesn't respond) Oh, I was never
very good. (he sits down)
WAYNE: Bachelor number two, you freaky. Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Yes.
WAYNE: What do you enjoy doing on Saturday night if it were just you, myself,
and a candle?
RYAN: You know what, if you trusted me, you wouldn't be asking me all these
questions, okay? If things maybe... you know what, it's just not working out
between us, maybe we should see other people. (he looks at Colin, who is Hyde
again) I've met someone else.
(Ryan puts his hand on Colin's leg. Colin turns back into Jekyll, and slaps
Ryan's hand off.)
(buzzer)
DREW: That's all the time you have, that's two rounds, try to guess who they
are.
WAYNE: Bachelor number one was from a 50's surf movie.
(Brad motions for Wayne to go a little higher)
WAYNE: Annette... Funicello... beach party...
DREW: 60's beach movie, yeah.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two, I couldn't possibly date you, because you are a
mad scientist that turns into a werewolf.
DREW: Named... what's the most famous one... no, not a werewolf...
(Colin quickly coughs "Dr. Jekyll")
WAYNE: What?
(Drew coughs vaguely)
WAYNE: Oh, he was Lon Chaney.
DREW: (laughs) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
WAYNE: Oh, that's right.
DREW: (coughs "Dr. Jekyll"), yeah. And Ryan is who?
WAYNE: Ryan has just shown me the full cycle of dating.
DREW: Mmm...
WAYNE: Matrimony. Marriage.
DREW: Yeah, that's right.
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: Ryan and Colin and Wayne, married guys... I'm going to give you each
ten thousand points and a free pass to a strip club.
BRAD: What about the bachelor?
RYAN: Keep the car running.
DREW: That's right, keep the car running. Let's go on to a game called Scene
to Rap. It's called Scene to Rap. This is for everybody, 'cause we all love
to rap. Wayne and Brad, you're going to make up a scene, and be joined later
by Ryan and Colin. And they're going to be rapping throughout the whole thing
with the help of Mixmaster Laura Hall and Jazzy J Linda Taylor. 'Cause I'm
telling you, when I think of rap music, I think of everybody but the people
in front of me right now. What I need from the audience is the name of a real
disaster movie.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Tow... whoa whoa whoa. "Towering Inferno." "Towering Inferno."
"Towering Inferno," "Towering Inferno!" (he repeatedly hits the buzzer)
"Towering Inferno." The scene is "Towering Inferno." You're going to be
rapping through the whole thing, so go ahead and start whenever you're ready.
(music begins)
BRAD: What is that, I think I smell smoke
And this time I'm not kidding, it's no joke
(Wayne beeps rhythmically like a smoke detector)
We'd better get out of here
'Cause I smell smoke and I do fear
That we are gonna die in a fire
Come on baby, believe me, I ain't no liar
WAYNE: Listen to me, listen to me, I got soul
If there's something, stop drop roll
That is what I learned in school
Fire won't burn me, I'm no fool
BRAD: I got something scarier and more
O.J. Simpson's on the 32nd floor
BOTH: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo
RYAN: Come on you dummies, you gotta run
Pretty soon you'll be burnt and you'll be done
Don't have to stand here, don't have to die
This building's only three stories high
BRAD: You're the first guy that I've seen
Are you Fred Astaire or Steve McQueen?
RYAN: We look alike.
WAYNE: You gotta help, you gotta help me get on down
COLIN: Come on everybody, don't stand stand there
You're gonna lose your wits
Don't stand there, run away
Or we're all gonna end up like bacon bits
Come on, come on come on come on, go go
Don't get wiggy, don't be slow
Come with me, let's get jiggy
BRAD: I'm getting kind of scared, it's one of those nights
I am think I'm afraid of heights!
(Brad falls over the stairs and dies)
(Wayne screams)
RYAN: I wanna hear yes, don't wanna hear no's
Get on down, just grab my hose
Climb, get down, get down, get down that old building
Down, get down
WAYNE: Get down?
(Wayne climbs down to Brad)
WAYNE: I'm so mad
(buzzer)
(music ends)
DREW: Thank you very much.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: I'm going to take, I'm going to take five million points, five million
points. I'm going to send them to Canada to teach people how to rap. Kind of
a reaching across the border type of thing...
COLIN: I'm jiggy with it.
DREW: Yeah. Yeah, you are. Let's go on to a game called Props. This is for
everybody, I'm going to give you your props. Ryan and Brad, this is your
prop. And Colin and Wayne, this is your prop.
(Brad and Ryan have a large inflated icicle shape. Wayne and Colin have two
plastic red spheres, each with a tall, thin cone sticking out)
DREW: They have to come up with as many ideas for these props as they can,
going back and forth. Starting with Ryan and Brad.
BRAD: Wanna buy a clear, white Christmas tree? (buzz)
(Wayne places the sphere on his forehead)
WAYNE: I hate being a teenager. (he squeezes his prop) (buzz)
(the clear prop is lying on the ground)
BRAD: I'm sure we can get out of this parking lot, no problem.
RYAN: No, don't back up. (they back into the prop)
BOTH: Oh! (buzz)
(Colin places both spheres under his butt and makes ape noises)
WAYNE: It's the rare baboon. (buzz)
(Brad picks his teeth with the prop)
BRAD: Is it gone now?
RYAN: It's gone now. (buzz)
(Wayne puts a prop over Colin's face, cone sticking out)
WAYNE: (to Drew) Hey Geppetto, that's a fine boy. (buzz)
(the prop is standing upright)
RYAN: These cutbacks here at NASA are killing us. (buzz)
(Colin places both props over his nipples, cones sticking out)
COLIN: Oh, it's cold. (buzz)
(Brad holds onto the upright prop and swings at the air while growling, Ryan
acts as a plane and flies toward him) (buzz)
(Colin places a prop over his hand)
COLIN: Perhaps you've heard of me, The Nozzle? (buzz)
(Brad has the prop sticking out of his waist)
BRAD: I was peeing in the blizzard. (buzz)
(Wayne and Colin each have a prop over their face, cones sticking out. They
imitate novelty drinking birds.)
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. Don't go away, we'll be right back with more
"Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this. Stay where you are.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line." "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the
show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. During the break
we were talking about, you know, I've never done anything rude with an apple
pie in my life. Although I've dunked a few doughnuts. Now let's go on to a
game called Moving People. This is for Colin and Ryan. I know just who I'm
going to pick, they're all the way over here on the other side of the
audience. You and you. Right there. What's your name? Yeah.
FRANKIE: Frankie.
DREW: Frankie. What's your name?
ADRIANA: Adriana.
DREW: Adriana. Come on up here, Frankie and Adriana. Scoot over, right over
here real quick, as fast as you can. Frankie and Adriana, nice to meet you.
Go up and pick out Colin and Ryan, one pick one, one pick the other. Nice to
meet you. Adriana. Frankie and Adriana. Okay, Frankie and Adriana, this is
the game called Moving People, I don't know if you've ever seen this before,
but they cannot move unless you move them. So put them in any kind of
position you want, just like they're dummies. Remember, we're on ABC, it's a
Disney-owned station, it's a family hour show.
(Adriana places Colin's right hand on his hip and his left fingers touching
his mouth. Frankie places Ryan's right hand on his hip and his left hand on
the top of his head.)
DREW: Yeah, okay, sure. They'll start out like that, they can't move unless
you move them. Now the scene is Superman is Ryan, Ryan is Superman.
(Frankie moves Ryan's left hand onto his side)
DREW: And he's about to rescue Colin, who is Lois Lane, from the cliff where
she is hanging. (Drew laughs) So, can't move unless you move them, off you
go.
COLIN: Hurry Superman, luckily my pantyhose snagged on the branch above.
RYAN: Quiet Lois, I'm trying to get that little teapot thing down.
(Ryan's arms are raised into the air to form a V shape)
RYAN: I'm going to take off now and fly.
(Colin's arms are moved up so he looks like he's grabbing a branch)
COLIN: Oh, I'm hanging onto the...
RYAN: You heard me, fly, off the ground. I'm going to fly now. Here I go.
(Ryan's body is turned toward Colin) Oh hi, you're right there.
COLIN: Yes.
(Colin's right leg is moved forward)
COLIN: Oh, this is hard air I'm walking on.
(Ryan's arms are moved down at a 45-degree angle in front of his body)
RYAN: I'm coming. I am going to walk towards the end of the cliff.
COLIN: Okay.
(Ryan is stepped forward. His left arm is raised back to where it was for the
V shape)
RYAN: Ah. Is the sun out of your eyes now?
COLIN: Yes. (Colin's right arm is moved so he can grab Ryan's left hand) Oh,
I've got your big hand.
RYAN: Grab on to me.
COLIN: I'm grabbing on.
RYAN: The hand won't do.
(Colin's left hand grabs Ryan's right arm. Their arms are lowered to stick
out in front of them.)
RYAN: There.
(Ryan's left leg is moved forward. Colin's left arm is placed around Ryan's
back.)
RYAN: Oh, Lois.
COLIN: Oh, Superman.
(Ryan's left arm is raised into the air. Colin's right arm is brought around
so he is hugging Ryan.)
RYAN: Lois, I'm no man for you. (his right arm is placed on Colin's back and
his left arm is rested on Colin's arm)
COLIN: What do you mean?
RYAN: Everything about me is wrong. I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I...
(Colin's head is turned so he and Ryan are face-to-face) Oh, Lois.
COLIN: Oh, Superman.
RYAN: Lois, I can see right... (Colin's head is turned away) Why won't you
look at me? (Colin's head is turned toward Ryan)
COLIN: I can't, I'm just so filled with... (Ryan's head is turned away)
RYAN: Well, I can't look at you, then. (Ryan's head is turned toward Colin)
Yes, I can.
COLIN: You're not using your x-ray vision right now, are you?
(Ryan's head is turned away)
RYAN: Oh Lois, I see right through you, I know what you're up to.
COLIN: What do you mean?
(Ryan's arms are raised into the air. Colin screams and moves backward.)
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you. Frankie, Adriana. Thank you Frankie and Adriana, that was
great. Man, they were moving you a lot. Those guys. Another fun game to play
at home, Moving People. Play it with your drunken uncle. Let's move along
with a game called Greatest Hits. This is for all four of you. With the help
of Laura Hall on piano, Linda Taylor on guitar. Now, Colin and Ryan are
spokesmen talking about the latest compilation album they're trying to sell
and Wayne and Brad are going to try to sing parts of the songs that Ryan and
Colin make up for them. And what we need from the audience is a suggestion
for a major sport.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Football. In America, football is the big sport we like. So it's going
to be football. So let's see the album, song, name of the album is "Songs of
Football."
RYAN: Hi. I'm Neil Patrick Harris. Many of you know me from my days on
"Doogie Howser." But I'm here today with a great bargain for you.
COLIN: Football and music, music and football. No matter what order you put
it in, it makes no sense. But we've come up with over 13,000 songs based on
football. Barbra Streisand, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, these are just some
of the artists whose relatives perform on this CD.
RYAN: Some of these songs have been around for decades. Why, I remember back
in the 70's while I was having a shooter, I was listening to this number one
disco hit, "Who's That Tight End?"
(music begins)
WAYNE: Oo oo
BRAD: Oo oo
WAYNE: Oo oo
BRAD: Oo oo.
WAYNE: Oo oo.
BRAD: Oo-oo
WAYNE: Mm-hmm.
You're the kind of man that I like
Bend over, give me the ball, and let me a-hike
I'm the quarterback, I'll be your friend
You must be a new train, who's that tight end?
BRAD: Tight end
WAYNE: Tight end
BRAD: Do the tight end dance
Tight end
WAYNE: Tight
BRAD: Shake your tight end pants
WAYNE: Do the
BOTH: Tight end
BRAD: Do the tight end dance
WAYNE: Pass
BRAD: Tight end
It's time to make romance
Do the tight end
(Wayne and Brad turn their backs to the camera and shake their behinds)
RYAN: You know Colin, these songs aren't just loved in here in America,
they're loved all over the world. Colin, what comes to your mind when I say
the word "Kremlin?"
COLIN: Jack. Sprat.
RYAN: Who grew up in Russia. And Russia has its own version of a lot of
these songs.
COLIN: Really?
RYAN: Yes, who could ever forget that number one Russian ballad, "Dallas 7,
Green Bay 10."
(music begins)
WAYNE: Because I'm betting money, how soon I will be dead
If I lose my money, Dallas, a ten point spread
BRAD: I think I've lost my money once and once again
Because of course Dallas won 'cause Green Bay only scored ten
WAYNE: They only scored the ten and Dallas won so now I see that I
Because I lose my money, oh I think I will die, hey!
BRAD: I can't believe he couldn't make the pass
It seemed like Brett Favre had his thumbs in his ashtray
WAYNE: What are you doing, the men from Dallas
Why don't you punt and run, from like you have some balance, hey
BRAD: I bet a thousand dollars on you, they will take my thumbs
I am so afraid of losing I am going to go numb
WAYNE: Hey!
BRAD: Hey!
WAYNE: Hey!
BRAD: Hey!
WAYNE: Hey.
BRAD: Hey. Hey.
WAYNE: Hey.
RYAN: Don't tell me there weren't any effects from Chernobyl.
(Ryan and Colin laugh. Colin however, continues to grin and shake his
shoulders for several seconds. Ryan nudges Colin, Colin nudges back, and Ryan
indicates for him to speak.)
COLIN: You know... You know, and if you order now, we'll send you free one of
Ryan Stiles' shoes, which comfortably seats four. You know...
(Ryan gets a disgusted look on his face. Colin looks at him, and he smiles.
As soon as Colin looks away, the disgusted look returns.)
COLIN: One of my favorite groups of all times has to be the Red Hot Chili
Peppers. And they're great football fans, as witnessed by this great song, "I
Said Punt."
(music begins)
BRAD: What you want when you play football is to
Get it down the field, get it down the field, get it down the field,
get it down the field!
WAYNE: Throw the ball, throw the ball and run
Throw the ball, throw the ball and run
Oops, it's fourth and twenty, son
Oops, you ... I mean punt
BRAD: That's quite a stunt
WAYNE: Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball
BRAD: I just said punt
WAYNE: Throw the ball, throw the ball
BRAD: You dirty little runt
WAYNE: Throw it!
BRAD: Yes, I said punt, so
WAYNE: Throw the ball
BRAD: Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball now
Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball now
WAYNE: Throw the throw the
BRAD: Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball now
Throw throw ball go go throw the ball now
(music ends)
DREW: We're going to go to commercial, when we come back, we'll find out who
the winner is, you don't want to miss it.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner is
Brad Sherwood. I don't know how, the game is fixed, Brad Sherwood's the
winner.
(Brad acts incredibly excited, then pulls the lever to lower his chair)
DREW: 'Cause of gags like that, Brad Sherwood's the winner of the show. The
rest of us are going to play a game for you called Questions Only, starting
out with Colin and Wayne, you guys are going to start out the game. Questions
Only. They're only allowed to ask questions, and if they can't, Brad's going
to buzz them out. What's the scene, Brad?
BRAD: You are in an office where rumors are circulating.
(Wayne gets a drink from a water cooler)
COLIN: Have you heard?
WAYNE: (spits out water) You mean about Timmy and John?
COLIN: Is it true?
WAYNE: Could you believe it?
COLIN: Have you seen the way they dress?
WAYNE: Have you seen the pictures?
COLIN: You mean there are pictures?
(Wayne makes printout noises and shows Colin)
COLIN: You've Xeroxed them?
WAYNE: Wouldn't you?
COLIN: How much for the donkey?
WAYNE: How much are you willing to pay?
(Colin laughs and leaves) (buzz)
(Drew replaces Colin)
DREW: Hey, have you heard people talking about me?
WAYNE: Have you and Timmy been, whoo-hoo?
DREW: Do I look like a donkey lover to you?
WAYNE: Is this you in this picture?
DREW: Is that a fake?
WAYNE: Are you going to cry?
DREW: Will you hold me if I do?
WAYNE: Are you... yeah... (buzz)
(Ryan replaces Wayne)
RYAN: You new here?
DREW: Who wants to know?
RYAN: You wanna help me kill the boss?
DREW: Which boss?
RYAN: Don't you have two TV shows?
DREW: Don't you have two, too?
RYAN: Does that make four?
(Ryan and Drew semi-secretly shake hands and make knowing faces)
(buzzer)
DREW: What do you say we... (laughs) Thank you very much, everybody. We'll
be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight, Brad and
Colin reading the credits. And you're going to read the credits as if you're
accepting your Oscar. So go ahead and read the credits like you're accepting
an Oscar, and good night everybody, we'll see you next time.
BRAD: We have so many people to thank.
COLIN: I know. Dan Patterson, Mark Leveson did nothing for me.
BRAD: No, but Jimmy Mulville, oh, he was instrumental in winning this award.
COLIN: Tom Park, for making me look good and those buffets.
BRAD: Dan Cutforth, Drew Carey of course, oh, Brad Sherwood, can't do this
without him.
COLIN: He's the best.
BRAD: Ooh, Steven Blum.
COLIN: Steven Blum, just one of the many parasites that live off me.
BRAD: Lionel Max Pasamonte. Eric Wilker. Melanie MacFee. And Stacey Gale.
Oh, Alison Sideris, ooh, Alison. Danny Accomando, oh.
COLIN: Julie Rhine, who dressed me, and yet to do it right.
BRAD: Oh, and my lovely wife, Dan Patterson.
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)