Episode 231

Original airdate: March 9, 2000
Performers: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Greg hosts, Colin is a hunter, Wayne interpretive dances,
  Ryan's jacket is caught in a ski lift
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Amy and Christina the cross country runners as
  the Backstreet Boys
Sound Effects: Colin works at a fast-food place, sounds by Ryan
Number of Words: Ryan is the captain of a submarine (1), Colin is his first
  mate (3), Wayne is a lieutenant (2) who has discovered stowaway Greg (5)
Party Quirks: Greg hosts, Wayne changes gravity, Colin is the history of
  warfare, Ryan is a dog tied to a stake
Scene to Rap: confronting a black hole
Hoedown: Greg, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about bachelor parties
Credits: Greg and Colin as carnival barkers

References

"Hey Diddle Diddle" (nursery rhyme)
   - cow jumps over moon, dish runs away with spoon
Elmer Fudd (fictional character)
   - Colin imitates him in Weird Newscasters
"Alien" (film)
   - referenced in Scene to Rap

Episode transcript

DREW:  Goooood evening and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show, if at first you don't succeed, try Greg Proops; if you can't stand the
heat get out of the Wayne Brady; if you can't say something nice, don't say
Colin Mochrie; and if you think you have problems, Ryan Stiles! Hey I'm Drew
Carey your host, come on down, let's have some fun. Hello! Thanks and welcome
to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the
points absolutely do not matter. As a matter of fact, here, I'll tell you
what, we give away extra points all through the show, sometimes we give away
points to people at home. When you get your points you can trade them in for
prizes at the end of the show, look for details at your local Burger King.
Now, if you've never seen the show before, what happens is these four guys
are gonna come up, they're gonna make up stuff for ya' right off the top of
their heads, and, uh, I give away these points which don't mean anything, but
we pick a winner at the end of the show, and the winner gets to do a little
something special with me, and we make the loser sit there like this: (makes
an "L" with his fingers on his forehead, Ryan and Wayne join in) So let's
start off with a game called "Weird Newscasters." This is for all four of
you, "Weird Newscasters." Greg, uh, you're gonna be the anchor of a news
program, Colin, Wayne, and Ryan are the other people on the news program. But
each of you are a rather odd character. Greg, your co-anchor is Colin. Colin,
you are a trigger-happy hunter. Wayne, you're doing sports. You illustrate
your report through dance. And Ryan, you're doing the weather, you get your
jacket caught in a moving ski lift. (Ryan pretends he didn't hear, mouths
"What?") That's what it says. Uh, whenever you hear the music, Greg, go ahead
and start.
GREG:  Good evening everyone, I'm Twice Nightly. And this is the action news,
these are the headlines. Insane cow tries moon jump, dish and spoon still
missing. Colin?
COLIN: (pause)
GREG:  Colin?
COLIN: (à la Elmer Fudd) Wava ewupted today. Do you hear a wabbit? Kill the
wabbit! Kill the wabbit! (shoots shotgun downwards) (throws a gerenade)
(shoots machine gun) An antewope! Look at the antewope! (shotgun) (Greg ducks
behind his stool) Oh, I've just cweated some havoc!
GREG:  Speaking of havoc, it's time for sports. Let's throw it over to Snunk
Ninkly at the sports desk. Snunk, what's on tap?
WAYNE: (using vivid dancing and movements to describe his words) Thank you
very much Twice. Well, it appears that the women have done it again. The
women...oh they took it...they took the ball and they put it into the
net...they couldn't stop! No one can stop our team! Because the American team
is the best! Lord knows that I can always use a good bunch of soccer players!
That's incredible! Incredible!
GREG:  Well that certainly was an interesting sports report, wasn't it Colin?
COLIN: It was vewy vewy intewesting. (shoots arrows)
GREG:  Let's find out what conditions are gonna be like for people who are
going on vacation and throw it over to big Ryan Stiles. Ry?
RYAN:  Well thank you Twice and I am going to use two pointers today because
we've got doubly good weather this afternoon. We've got clouds moving in over
the, uh, Pacific Northwest later in the day, that'll, uh, that'll clear
things up, (mimes being caught on a moving ski lift, moves up the aisle in
the audience) oh, my god, oh, seem to be caught. Can't quite...uh-oh...oh!
Oh! (gets uncaught, skis back down using his pointers, crashes into the
piano) Aaaah!
GREG:  That's been the news, stay tuned for America's Most Hilarious
Amphibians. Coming up next.
RYAN:  (during applause) I'm forty years old, for god sakes. I shouldn't be
doing this job.
DREW:  Ryan, that was great. I see your back's gotten better. (Ryan laughs)
So a thousand points to your chiropractor. This next game is for
Wayne...uh... (audience cheers) gonna be assisted by Laura Hall on piano and
Linda Taylor on guitar! Get me, uh, get me one extra stool. Right over here,
say hello to you guys, in the matching outfits, what's your names?
AMY:   I'm Amy.
DREW:  Amy, nice to meet you, Amy, what's your name?
CHRISTINA: Christina.
DREW:  Christina and Amy, how...what do you guys do?
AMY:   We're students.
DREW:  You're students...do you have any hobbies or things you like to do?
CHRISTINA: We run cross-country.
DREW:  You run cross-country. Why don't you come on down here? (chuckles) Say
hi to Wayne Brady. I knew the moment I saw them I wanted to have Wayne sing a
song to them, because you're gonna be singing a song to Amy and Christina,
whose hobby is running cross-country, and the style of the song is The
Backstreet Boys! Kinda worked out perfect, didn't it? (Wayne points to Drew)
So, uh, whenever you're ready. So go wild, love child, do what you can!
(laughs)
(music starts, Wayne moves around as different Backstreet Boys)
WAYNE: Freeze!
       I don't know exactly what you're doing to me, but it's fun...
       Isn't it Tommy?
       (switches places as if to be someone else)
       Yeah!
       (back)
       Baby baby
       Ooh you make me want to run
       Oh, all of, my love, it keeps haunting me
       You make me want to run, cross-country
       So don't you see, and we can have fun
       And you and you match in the same exact one
       Ohhh!
       You make me want to jog
       Isn't that right?
       (switches places again)
       I'm the sensitive one....
       (rests his head on his fist as if he's crying)
       (switches places; lower voice)
       That's right girl, just you and me
       Because you see we do this easily
       And I don't care exactly what you think
       It's me and you and you and you're dressed in pink
       That is right and let the fun begin
       Both of y'all like the Doublemint twins
       Don't you understand, and this is this
       Because you're running I just don't miss
       (switching places; changing voices)
       Girl!
       Girl!
       Girl!
       Girl!
       Girl!
       Girl!
       I'm the shy one!
       Girl, girl, girl, both of you, you make my mind twirl
       That's right, yeah, you do, girl...
(song ends, Wayne looks down)
DREW:  Thank you Amy and Christina! Hey, how about it? Amy and Christina! (to
Wayne) Now, can I just...what was that again? Was that *Nsync, Backstreet
Boys, what was that?
WAYNE: (as "the sensitive one") It was both of them, Drew.
DREW:  Okay. Cause I get mixed up all the time. I'll give all the points to
whoever made your dresses.
(Ryan raises his arms as if he won the points, mimes sewing)
DREW:  (to Amy and Christina) Points to your mothers, baby, yeah! All right.
(chuckles) 'K, let's go on to a game called "Sound Effects." This is for, uh,
Colin and Ryan. Colin is gonna improvise with the help of Ryan, Ryan's gonna
make sound effects for him that Colin has to respond to. And the scene is:
You're the only employee in a busy drive-thru fast food place.
(Colin opens the door, walks in. Punches time card, looks around. Opens
another door, wind gusts. Opens four windows, wind gusts come from each one.
Colin worries. Puts on a hat, turns on burners. Grease sizzles. Colin talks
to someone. The other person talks, but is talking so fast Colin can't write
the order fast enough. Colin is about to prepare the order, but the man
continues to talk. A baby cries. Colin rocks the cradle then picks up the
baby and holds it. Colin looks confused. Goes back to the burners to prepare
the food. Pours some ingredients. Colin hold the food outside, a car zooms by
and picks it up without stopping. Colin tosses a burger patty and a bun in
the air, catches them. He tosses one up from the grill, it sticks to the
ceiling. Colin is about to shoot it, but the baby cries again. Colin rocks
the cradle. Flips three patties up into the air, they land on top of his
head. Takes them off and blows on them.)
DREW:  (buzzzzz) Don't go away, we're gonna see a commercial, we'll be right
back with more of what? "Whose Line is it Anyway?"! Don't go anywhere!

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The show where everything's
made up and the points don't matter. That's right, just like a hat at an
orgy, it doesn't matter. Okay, our next game is very confusing. Get out your
pencils. Tape it. Whatever you have to do. Uh, it's called "Number of Words."
This is for everyone to play. Now, the idea of this game, is that our
performers are gonna be acting out...acting out a scene, however, each
performer can only speak in sentences of a certain number of words. Ryan can
only speak in one-word sentences. Colin is only allowed three words per
sentence. Wayne, only two words per sentence. But Greg...is allowed five
words per sentence. Get all that? Now, the scene is: Ryan's a World War II
submarine captain, Colin is the nervous first mate, and they're joined by
Wayne, a lieutenant, who's discovered a German stowaway, Greg. Did you get
all that? 'Cause I'm not repeating it! And whenever you're ready, go.
COLIN: Periscope up, sir?
RYAN:  Yes.
COLIN: I'm very nervous.
RYAN:  Relax!
COLIN: My first time!
(Ryan looks worried)
COLIN: What is it?
RYAN:  Dutch!
COLIN: That's okay, sir.
WAYNE: (enters with gun pointed at Greg) Sour Kraut!
GREG:  I'm not German, I'm Swiss. (does his Swiss clock dance)
WAYNE: Shut up!
COLIN: That's a lie!
GREG:  No it's not, I am.
COLIN: Captain, what should...
GREG:  Let me go, let me.
RYAN:  Overboard!
COLIN: Throw him overboard?
WAYNE: Right now?
RYAN:  Yes!
(audience applauds at the quickness of dialogue)
WAYNE: Under water.
RYAN:  Yes!
COLIN: But we'll drown!
RYAN:  So?
GREG:  You will all drown, dummkopf!
COLIN: That's German word!
RYAN:  Wait!
GREG:  I meant to use the...
WAYNE: The what?
GREG:  Swiss word...that I had.
DREW:  (Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz) Uhh...I'm gonna give you
five hundred points apiece for that, 'cause I got nowhere else to put 'em.
Ryan gets five hundred one points. (Ryan mouths "thank you") Now let's play a
game called "Party Quirks." Uh, this game, Greg, you're gonna be hosting a
party. Wayne, Colin, and Ryan will be your guests, and each of them have a
strange quirk or identity. Greg has to guess what the quirks are. So, uh,
Wayne, Colin, Ryan, why don't you line up there and I'll bring you in one at
a time with the doorbell. (doorbell) And whenever you're ready, Greg, start
the party.
GREG:  (moves around like a monkey) It's a come as a primate party.
DREW:  Okay. (doorbell)
GREG:  Hello Wayne!
WAYNE: ["Experiencing violent fluctuations in gravity"] Hey dude, what's up?
(constantly switches from moving around effortlessly to moving with a
struggle) Oh. Hey...
GREG:  Hey you all right?
WAYNE: Ya got chips?
GREG:  Yeah, sure.
WAYNE: Whoa!
(doorbell)
GREG:  Did you ride your bike here right behind a bus or something? Hello
Col!
COLIN: ["The history of warfare"] (grunts, throws rocks)
GREG:  Hey, hey!
(Wayne catches one of the rocks)
GREG:  What's going on?
(Colin shoots arrows)
GREG:  Leave my cat alone, you big...
COLIN: Argh! Argh! (shoots cannon) Thar she blows!
GREG:  Have you met...
(Colin tries to start a sword fight with Wayne)
GREG:  Have you met Wayne? He's...made of...rubber.
DREW:  No.
GREG:  Of course he's not. I just always say that about Wayne.
(Colin imitates using a tank)
GREG:  You just enjoy yourself and I'll get the door, shall I? Hello Ryan.
RYAN:  ["A vicious dog tied to a stake"] (Growls, mimes rabies out of his
mouth. Chases Greg, stops and yelps. Chases again, yelps. Runs around in a
circle and gets caught)
GREG:  So, you guys, you guys wanna play a game or something?
(Colin flies like a plane)
GREG:  Ryan, have you met Colin? Colin's reenacting every battle from every
era of the...he's the warrior from every century...he thinks...
(buzz buzz)
GREG:  Hey, be careful. Be careful. That's a vicious rabid dog on a leash.
It's a...
DREW:  Close enough. (buzz buzz buzz buzz)
WAYNE: (imitating being high up) Greg!
GREG:  Yes!
WAYNE: Greg, I can't...(falls facedown)
GREG:  You...you are so loaded, and it's...it's like, 7:30, what is the deal?
WAYNE: I just need to get some...(literally bending over backwards)
GREG:  Some...you...oh, you...you're Gumby is what you are!
DREW:  What...what holds you to the earth?
GREG:  Well, my love for you, Drew.
DREW:  No, scientifically, what holds you to the...
GREG:  Oh I understand now. (to Wayne) You're fighting gravity in all its
respects...
DREW:  Yeah, close enough. (buzz buzz buzz buzz) I'd give you points, but the
points don't matter. Like the Queen of England. (Imitating the Queen) Hello,
is it bigger than a breadbox? Uh... (laughs) Now let's go on to a game called
"Scene to Rap." Greg and Wayne, you're gonna make up a scene, uh, rapping all
the way. You'll be joined later by Colin and Ryan, two of the greatest
rappers in North America. Accompanied by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor, Laura
Hall and Linda Taylor. And what I need from the audience is a, uh, a real or
made-up disaster movie. (audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  A...what? A black hole. Black hole. So that's the, uh, disaster movie,
it's about a black hole.
(Greg and Wayne start, Greg is flaunting his rear)
WAYNE: Boop boop boop boop boop boop...
GREG:  Dude we out in space, so get out of my face
       Itty-bitty stars all over the place
       I'm real scared, I'm getting kind of freaky
       I think the ship is getting kind of leaky
       I don't know what's out there, it can't be matter
       I'm gonna freak out and then go splatter
WAYNE: Wait wait a second wait, have fun
       It's only a black hole, I've got one
       You've got to realize when I say this
       Because it's something that you can't miss
       Yeah yeah, I like to rip
       As I get funky in my ship
       Oh my goodness, what is that?
       It looks like our ship might go splat
       (beeping)
GREG:  (beeping sounds)
RYAN:  Hey, I'm the doctor, that you picked
       I've got to admit I'm feeling mighty sick
       Or maybe I'm not your doctor I'm not the best
       Oh my god there's something in my chest!
       (mimes alien coming out of his chest, makes splat noise, falls down on
       his back) 
WAYNE: Oh my god, oh my god
       Don't you see what's coming out of his bod?
       Oh look I'm freaking out better hit me
       Just like Aliens, he's like
WAYNE & GREG: Ripley! (Greg pretends to hit Wayne, Wayne falls over)
COLIN: (walking like an alien) I am an alien from the black hole
       I've come hear to collect your soul
       I'm gonna take you back there...and then I'm just gonna dance.
       (dances)
WAYNE & GREG: Go daddy! Go daddy! Go daddy! Go daddy! Go daddy! Go daddy! Go
       daddy! Go daddy! 
DREW:  (repeatedly buzzes) Hey don't go away. We're gonna see a commercial,
we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" And the winner gets
to do a little something special. So don't go anywhere, you don't want to
miss it, bye.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's
winner...Wayne Brady! Wayne Brady's the winner! Because he wins, he gets to
sit at the desk and do what I do while we do a Hoedown! We're gonna do a
Hoedown. And, uh, what I need from the audience is a suggestion for, uh,
something a group of guys might do together. (audience shouting suggestions)
Bachelor party! Bachelor party, we got it. Bachelor Party, so Laura Hall,
Linda Taylor, let's hear the Bachelor Party Hoedown.
GREG:  I went up to Drew's house because he's getting married
       He's gonna be married to the girl that'll be Mrs. Drew Carey
       He said there'd be a stripper and there was, and it was scary
       'Cause when the stripper came out it was Drew Carey
DREW:  Had a bachelor party, we took off our clothes
       It was pretty wild, heaven knows
       I was embarrassed when I went to tip her
       Turns out my mother was the stripper
COLIN: I went to a bachelor's party, I really had a ball
       Boy I consumed an awful lot of alcohol
       It fact it was really bad, in fact it spelled my doom
       'Cause when I awoke I found I'd married the groom
RYAN:  My friends threw me a party, I knew that I was sunk
       We stripped right down all night long, got really drunk
       Dancin' with my naked friends, boy that's the life
       As a matter of fact, to hell with my wife
ALL:   To hell with my wiiiiiiiiiife!
DREW:  Don't go anywhere, we're coming right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" Stay right where you are!

DREW:  Hey welcome back, to end the show tonight, we're gonna have Greg and
Colin read the credits for us. They're gonna read the credits as two carnival
barkers luring people into the sideshow. So, uh, goodnight everybody we'll
see ya next time on "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
GREG:  See the two-headed Dan Patterson-Mark Leveson.
COLIN: See the freakishly tall Ryan Stiles.
GREG:  Hurry hurry hurry. Tom Park, Danny Breen.
(Wayne comes up as a monkey)
COLIN: Come on in. Now we've got the singing guy. You give him some peanuts,
he will sing for you.
GREG:  Come one come all. Not fit for the kiddies. It's an adult show only.
Melinda Cote, Stacey Gale.
COLIN: Stacey Gale, Alison Sideris.
GREG:  Delia Frankel, she's got five arms!
COLIN: And they're all totally naked!
GREG:  That's right.
COLIN: You heard me ladies and gentlemen!

Transcript credits

huzlinefan transcribed all of the games


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)