Episode 233

Original airdate: March 30, 2000
Performers: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Wayne is the contestant, Brad is a rabid dog, Colin is an
  ugly man, Ryan is Quasimodo
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Colin and Ryan are angry donkey-riding
  hikers -- science fiction, mystery, silent, after-school special
Props: Brad and Ryan have a round pipe with a pole sticking out of one end,
  Wayne and Colin have two dark gray foam tubes with many light gray pipes
  protruding
News Flash: Brad and Colin in the studio; Ryan in front of alligators
Greatest Hits: Colin and Ryan pitch "Songs of the Psychiatrist" as sung by
  Brad and Wayne
World's Worst: Brad, Drew, Colin, and Ryan present the world's worst
  nightclub act
Credits: Brad and Colin are reporters at an awards show

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Wayne says "Reno" when Ryan forgets the capital of Nevada (see
      "Miscellaneous")?

References

"The Hunchback of Notre Dame" (book)
   - Quasimodo

Déjà vu

103 -- Dog in Let's Make a Date

Miscellaneous

The capital of Nevada is Carson City, if it ever comes up.

The only reference to gators and Gary U.S. Bonds I could find was the fact
that in the movie "Blues Brothers 2000," Gary U.S. Bonds, along with a slew
of other blues singers, is part of a group called the Louisiana Gator Boys.
They sing "How Blue Can You Get," and then go into Bonds' "New Orleans." If
there's a reference to "doing the gator" in that version of the song, then
Brad is redeemed.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: Follow that car. Brad Sherwood! They're gaining on us. Wayne Brady!
Don't worry, I drove one of these things in the Army. Colin Mochrie! And I
think we lost 'em. Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down,
let's have some fun. Hello. Hello. Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the
show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right,
the points here are useless. They're useless like the rack of Speedos at the
big and tall shop. If you never saw the show before, how it goes is we have
our performers come up, they make up everything you see, right off the top of
their heads. And then I give them points. Who knows why. And at the end of
the show we pick a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something
special with me, and the loser has to do it twice. So let's get the show
started with a game I like to call Let's Make a Date. This is for all four of
you. Wayne is going to be a contestant on a dating show. Ryan, Colin, and
Brad are contestants hoping to be picked by Wayne. And they really are, in
real life. And... but on these cards here that they've never seen before,
there, we've given them a strange characteristic or identity. And Wayne has
to guess who they are. So Wayne, whenever you're ready, go ahead.
WAYNE: Hello, bachelor number one.
BRAD:  ["Frisky dog going rabid"] Hello. Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi.
WAYNE: Down down, bachelor number one. I enjoy the great outdoors. What do
you enjoy?
BRAD:  I love the great outdoors. I'll go wherever you want to go. You wanna
go on a walk? I'll go on a walk. I'll go on a walk. Sure sure sure sure sure
sure sure sure sure. I'll go whatever you want to do. Whatever you want me to
do. Sure sure sure sure sure. Sure... (his speech turns into growling and
snarling)
WAYNE: You sound like a great Saturday night all rolled into one person,
bachelor number one. Bachelor number two.
COLIN: Yeah.
WAYNE: I like a man who's strong. I like a man who's smart. But best of all,
I like a man who knows how to work it on the dance floor.
COLIN: ["World's ugliest man looking for action"] (with a contorted face)
When I'm on the dance floor, I like to boogie. (he dances awkwardly) I'll
make you forget all your troubles. (he licks his fingers and rubs them
against the hair on the sides of his head)
WAYNE: (brushing his hair) And I bet you've got a great personality as well.
COLIN: Oh, yeah. (Colin looks at Brad and continues to straighten his hair.
Brad snarls, so Colin looks forward again.)
WAYNE: Bachelor number three.
RYAN:  Yes.
WAYNE: I like a man who is well-informed and kept up on today's topics.
RYAN:  ["Quasimodo determined to rescue Esmerelda"] Don't look at me. Don't
look at me when you ask me questions.
WAYNE: I'm sorry. Tell me something. As a little child, did the other kids
make fun of you?
RYAN:  They were always busting my hump, if that's what you mean.
WAYNE: Bachelor number one, what's your favorite food? I like anchovies,
what's yours?
BRAD:  I like bachelor number two.
(Brad begins to growl and eat Colin's right arm. He then goes for Colin's leg
and moves to his stomach and back. As Colin smokes a cigarette, Brad
barks/howls and runs back and forth across the stage. He sits back down and
licks his leg.)
WAYNE: Sit, Ubu, sit. Bachelor number two, make it quick.
COLIN: You know, I don't think I can compete against number three. I can't
beat this.
WAYNE: Very well. Bachelor number three.
RYAN:  Yeah.
WAYNE: I speak French fluently. What do you speak?
RYAN:  Speak the language of love!
(Ryan gets up, grabs a rope hanging from the ceiling, and while yelling,
swings into the audience. He grabs a female audience member and swings with
her to the rear of the stage. He places her behind the panel next to the
chairs and begins to ring the tower bell. Brad has gotten up, and growling,
begins to eat Ryan's rear end.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much.
(Brad and Ryan return to their stools. The audience member returns to her
seat.)
DREW:  Wayne, do you have a guess as to who these people are?
WAYNE: Bachelor number one is a rabid puppy.
DREW:  Yeah, it's a dog. (buzz)
WAYNE: Bachelor number two is one of those old guys that you see hanging out
at strip clubs at two a.m.
DREW:  It says here Colin is the world's ugliest man looking for action, so
I'll take that. (buzz)
WAYNE: And bachelor number three...
RYAN:  Take your time.
WAYNE: ...is Quasimodo. (buzz) The Hunchback of Notre Dame!
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Brad, a rabid dog, Ryan, Quasimodo, and Colin Mochrie as himself.
(the audience "aww"s)
RYAN:  (to Colin) Don't even take any points from him. Throw them back in his
face.
DREW:  A thousand poin... thousand points for Colin.
COLIN: Thank you.
DREW:  All right, let's go on to a game called Film, TV, and Theater Styles.
This is for Ryan and Colin. They're going to act out a scene, but I'm going
to make them adapt different types of styles that I'm going to get from the
audience. And what I need from the audience is styles of film, television, or
theater.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Silent doesn't work good for TV. But you know what, I'm going to write
it down anyway. Everybody always says silent, I never say yes, but this time
I'm gonna. Sci-fi. What, what? Fantasy, mystery. Disaster. My sex life you
just described. Fantasy, mystery, disaster. What, porn? Porn, after-school
special, what's the difference? Okay. We got enough. You're going to start
out regular, and then I'll bring you in with the... oh, it's on the back of
this card. Your scene is, Ryan and Colin are two hikers on donkeys and are at
each other's throats after three days lost in Echo Valley. So start out
normal, I'll bring you in with another style after you get started, go ahead.
RYAN:  Hey-hey-hey-hey...
COLIN: Will you move your ass-ass-ass-ass-ass...?
RYAN:  Mind if I turn off the echo-echo-echo...?
COLIN: Yeah.
(Ryan presses a button attached to his waist)
RYAN:  There we go.
(buzz)
DREW:  Science fiction.
(Ryan knocks the side of his donkey, which makes a hollow metallic sound)
(Colin hovers around)
RYAN:  Your... your donkey, it's flying.
COLIN: That's right. On my planet, all donkeys fly. (he dismounts)
RYAN:  I knew there was something odd about you.
(buzz)
DREW:  Mystery.
COLIN: Where did the donkeys go? I don't like this, I don't like it at all!
RYAN:  Wait a minute, did you notice when we were riding up here, they kept
whispering in each other's ears?
COLIN: We've been set up.
RYAN:  Set up by two asses.
(buzz)
DREW:  Silent.
(Ryan shrugs that he doesn't know. He pretends to ride a donkey. Colin acts
angry and begins yelling at Ryan. He points to the top of the valley, then
motions toward Ryan.)
(buzz)
(at the buzzer, Ryan has his fingers in front of his mouth, clasped the same
way one would clasp a joint)
DREW:  (laughs) After-school special.
(Ryan holds the joint to his mouth and looks afraid. Colin looks shocked.
Ryan drops the joint on the ground and smolders it with his foot.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, thank you very much. Aw, man.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Five million points. Of course, that's points that can never be used,
like my Thighmaster. Now, let's move along to Props. We're going to divide
you guys into two pairs. Ryan and Brad and Colin and Wayne. Ryan and Brad,
this is your prop.
BRAD:  Thanks.
DREW:  You're welcome. And you guys get this one.
(Brad and Ryan have a blue circle; out of the circle extends a pole with a
hook on the end. Wayne and Colin have two gray round pieces of foam; out of a
side of each one there are many smaller foam tubes sticking out.)
DREW:  You have to come up with as many ideas as you can using these props,
I'll buzz you in between. Go ahead Ryan and Brad.
(Ryan swings the prop above his head, holding the hook. Brad pantomimes horns
and makes bull noises.) (buzz)
(Wayne places one props over his face, tubes hanging down)
WAYNE: Welcome to Jamaica, mon. (buzz)
(Brad places the circle over his eye)
BRAD:  Pick your Monopoly fortune card. (buzz)
(Colin places the props over his eyelashes)
COLIN: Do you have a table for Tammy Faye Bakker? (buzz)
(Ryan has the circle around his waist)
RYAN:  It's a hula hoop with a safety strap.
BRAD:  Really?
(Ryan twirls the hoop. The pole swings around and hits Brad, knocking him
down.)
RYAN:  Oh, I'm sorry, are you all right? (buzz)
(Colin has his prop covering his waist. Wayne's props covers his back.)
COLIN: Daddy, I'm a man, I'm a man. (buzz)
(Brad holds the prop)
BRAD:  When the giant finds out you broke his reading glasses, he's going to
be angry. (buzz)
(Wayne holds the props together, the dark gray foam touching. Colin makes
buzzing noises like a fly. Colin moves over to Wayne, who captures him
between the props.) (buzz)
(Ryan holds the prop in the air so it looks like a lowercase "b")
RYAN:  Look out, a "b," a "b." (buzz)
(Wayne holds one prop on his forehead, tubes sticking up)
WAYNE: O-tay. (buzz)
(Ryan holds the circle at an angle above the ground)
RYAN:  Look at those ants fry.
BRAD:  Whoo! (buzz)
(Colin holds the props, one in each hand)
COLIN: You sure this'll work, Icarus?
WAYNE: No problem. (Colin tries to fly)
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right, don't go away. We'll be right back, more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" right after this. Don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" Hey, don't forget, if you're keeping score at home, for the most
original scorebook you send to ABC, the winner gets free cable. I'm Drew
Carey, the fifth Teletubby, nice to have you here. Let's go on to a game
called News Flash. This is for Brad, Colin, and Ryan. Colin and Brad, you are
two anchors in a news studio. Ryan, out to the field, you're going to be a
field reporter. Now he's not going out to the field, he's going out to a, in
front of this screen here. You can see it's all green.
RYAN:  It's really green, Drew.
DREW:  Yeah. But no matter what, when he turns around, he can't see anything.
RYAN:  It's, all I see is green, Drew.
DREW:  Yeah. He has to try to guess what the image is behind him. And Colin
and Brad will try to give him hints. So here we go, over to Colin and Brad in
the studio. Good luck.
BRAD:  So the priest says, "I thought you said 'stigmata.'"
COLIN: Hello. We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you our
man in the field with a late-breaking story.
BRAD:  Ryan, can you hear us?
(the scene behind Ryan is footage of alligators and/or crocodiles)
RYAN:  I can hear you, I can hear you indeed. There's a lot of noise. A lot
of noise behind me, as you can see, but I can make out what you're saying,
yes.
COLIN: Now it seems kind of peaceful right now. (there's a picture of an
alligator with its mouth open and waiting) Be careful. Be very careful.
RYAN:  (slightly ducks) Whoa, that was close.
(the picture changes to a head-on shot of an alligator opening and closing
its mouth)
COLIN: Now it's even closer.
RYAN:  Wouldn't want to get hit by one of those.
BRAD & COLIN: No.
BRAD:  Tell us more.
RYAN:  Well, apparently it all started at a Ricky Martin garage sale about
two days ago. About two days ago, and it hasn't stopped since.
(the shot shows an alligator with its mouth attacking the camera lens so it
looks like Ryan is inside its mouth)
BRAD:  He loves those fancy Cuban shoes, doesn't he?
RYAN:  He sure does. (he points at an alligator walking through swamp
vegetation) This right here has been happening for about ten minutes and I
don't know what that is.
(an alligator violently splashes water with its tail)
BRAD:  Oh! My goodness. Are you sure you're safe?
RYAN:  I am safe. I'm wearing lead underwear at the moment and as you can
see, I'm keeping my distance because it just keeps coming this way and then
going right back again.
(an alligator attacks the camera)
COLIN: Oh! That was a close one.
RYAN:  Yeah, it's been like that all day.
BRAD:  Luckily your head isn't made of frozen chicken.
RYAN:  That's true.
BRAD:  So tell me, describe to our viewers at home exactly what you see,
since you're so close to the action.
RYAN:  Well, as you, it started over here. Started right over here in this
section. And then it made its way right over here and right here is where
it's just, it's going to end right there.
COLIN: Amazing.
RYAN:  Can I say something? My father covered something similar to this in
the 1930's.
COLIN: Really?
RYAN:  Yes.
COLIN: Now that's when he was swamped with work.
RYAN:  He was swamped with work at that time, yes.
BRAD:  Reminds me of a Gary U.S. Bonds song.
RYAN:  Does it indeed.
BRAD:  For the VH1 fans at home.
RYAN:  I wish I followed the music scene right now.
BRAD:  What do you call that exactly? I'm not much of a expert.
RYAN:  Well, in high school we just called it a cheap date. I don't know what
you call it now.
COLIN: Now, are you worried, your shoes could cause some concern.
RYAN:  I think I'm okay, I think I'm okay there, these were killed by natural
causes. They were hit by a car.
COLIN: Oh, were they?
RYAN:  These shoes here? They're gator. Alligator.
DREW:  Yes. (buzzer) Very good. Good job.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  So what's the Gary U.S. Bonds thing?
BRAD:  Didn't he get "do the gator" during a song of his?
DREW:  You don't even know and you're throwing that out as a clue? Minus five
hundred points. Let's go on to a game that I'm going to watch. Called
Greatest Hits. It's called Greatest Hits. This is for all of you, with the
help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. Colin and
Ryan, you're going to be TV guys talking about the latest compilation album.
And what's going to happen is they're going to try to think up songs and
titles and trip up Wayne and Brad, who are going to try to sing the songs.
And what I need from the audience is a suggestion of something you'd look for
in the yellow pages.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Psychiatrist. Okay, good one. Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist. Let's go with, on with, the name of your album is
"Songs of the Psychiatrist." And whenever you're ready, off you go.
COLIN: We'll be right back to our nature documentary, "Shlomo the Kosher
Penguin," in just a second.
RYAN:  You know, we know there's a lot of people out there with problems,
don't we, Colin?
COLIN: That is so true.
RYAN:  A lot of people who just can't think straight, can't get their lives
together. That's why we're offering you a special offer. A 3-CD set full of
13 songs concerning the psychiatrist. Like that 1980's rhythm and blues hit,
"Your Time's Up."
(music begins)
WAYNE: Now, baby I don't want to make you mad
       But I've been listening to you droning on and writing in my pad
       You're a crazy type of creep and you are such a slouch
       Why don't you get your crazy butt up off my couch
       Your time is up
BRAD:  Your time is up
BOTH:  Your time is up
BRAD:  Way up
WAYNE: Your time is up
BOTH:  Your time is up
       Your time is up
BRAD:  And I gotta fill my coffee cup
WAYNE: Your time is up
BOTH:  Your time is up
(music ends)
RYAN:  I'm six-foot-six, and I wore heels during that era. (he laughs)
COLIN: You know, there are more songs on this C-D compilation than...
RYAN:  It's a hard word. It's not even a word, really, it's just two letters.
COLIN: Perhaps I should get some help. Ah. You know, when I was a young
Rastafarian, there was nothing I liked better than listening to the reggae
strains of "Half a Phobia's Better Than None."
(music begins)
BRAD:  Oh doh. It go something like this.
WAYNE: Come again now, come again now.
BRAD:  You know I am a buffalo soldier
       But I don't carry a gun
       So listen again and maybe you'll hear what I told you
       A half a phobia is better than none
       No no
WAYNE: No no
BOTH:  No no no no no
WAYNE: Come again now, now now now now now
       Now me got the phobia now now now know you do not care
       Because a half of the phobia mean I'm afraid of the air
       I'm afraid of the heights I'm afraid of the left
       I'm afraid to the right then I'm afraid of this
       Because you've got to understand that half a phobia's better than this
       Half a phobia
BRAD:  Oh oh oh oh is better than none
       Half a phobia is better than none
WAYNE: Come again now
BRAD:  Maybe you cannot have one
       Because half a phobia is better than none
       Oh ohhhhhhhh
(music ends)
COLIN: As long as there's been psychiatrists, there's been people singing
about them behind their backs.
RYAN:  Uh-huh.
COLIN: But one of the best early rock classics was, of course, "Freud or
Jung: Who Knows?"
(music begins)
WAYNE: Ever since I was a little kid
       I don't know my psyche or my id
       Oh baby, why don't we go
       Tell me what the hell's an ego
       Oh is it Freud or a Ju- a Ju- a Jung
BRAD:  Well I'm crazy crazy crazy since the day I was born
       Early early evening to the early morn
       And I don't know whether I'm straight or hung
       'Cause I don't know whether Freud or Jung
       Oh the woe's for me 'cause I haven't quite figured it out
       My psyche is full of doubt
       Oh is it Freud or Jung
WAYNE: Freud Freud
BRAD:  Freud or Jung
WAYNE: Freud Freud
BRAD:  Awayoo, Fr Fr
WAYNE: Freud Freud
BOTH:  Freud or Jung
       Fr Fr Freud or Jung
       Uh-huh, Fr Fr Freud or Jung
       Uh-huh, Freud Freud Freud Freud or Jung
(music ends)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Hey folks, don't go away. We're going to find out who the winner is
right after this commercial. See you in a minute.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner: Wayne
Brady, keep it going for Wayne Brady, how about it? Wayne Brady. So these
guys are going to help me do a game we call World's Worst. Let's step up to
the World's Worst step here. And we have to come up with as many examples as
we can of the world's worst what, Wayne?
WAYNE: World's worst... world's worst...
DREW:  Ha, not as easy as you think. That's right. I earn my money, pal,
that's all I can say.
WAYNE: World's worst nightclub act.
RYAN:  And now with my appendix gone, all that's left to do is sew me up.
(buzz)
(Drew takes his shoe off and pretends it's being handed to him from the
audience)
DREW:  Thank you very much. (sniffs inside of shoe) Uh, Brunswick Lanes on
Crystal Avenue. (buzz)
RYAN:  Capital of Washington is Olympia. Capital of Oregon is Salem. Capital
of California is Sacramento. Capital of Idaho is Boise. Capital of Nevada
is... (he forgets) (buzz)
WAYNE: Reno.
COLIN: Capital of Florida is the F. The capital of Washington is the W. The
capital... (buzz)
(Drew grabs Wayne's chair from the back, brings it down, and sits in it. He
has Colin sit on his knee, then places his hand behind Colin's back.)
DREW:  Hi, Colin. (Colin moves his mouth as Drew speaks) Say hi to the...
(Brad crouches and puts his hand behind Drew)
BRAD:  Hey, Drew. Hey, Drew. How are you? (buzz)
(Ryan crouches down. As he hums the Sabre Dance, he ties his shoe) (buzz)
BRAD:  See, now this one's sticking out a little more, watch. (he rubs his
right nipple) (buzz)
RYAN:  All right, if everybody's ready... I spy with my little eye something
that is green. Green, ladies and gentlemen. (buzz)
BRAD:  (reaching from his butt) Is this your card? (buzz)
COLIN: Now please be very quiet as I get the lion to cough.
(buzzer)
DREW:  We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this. Don't go
anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight we're going to end
the show with Brad and Colin reading the credits. I want you to read the
credits as two excitable reporters covering the rivals at a big award show.
So go at it, and good night everybody, thanks for watching "Whose Line," see
you next time.
BRAD:  The limousine is opening, and I do believe I see Drew Carey.
COLIN: And there's Ryan Stiles in his wonderful lamé gown.
BRAD:  Mark Leveson is wearing a beautiful Jimmy Mulville tonight. Oh my
goodness.
COLIN: And Ruth Phillips has some wonderful shoes. I've never seen that,
like, before.
BRAD:  Those were designed by Brad Sherwood and Linda Taylor. Oh, and look,
Lionel Max Pasamonte.
COLIN: That Eric Wilker, I tell you, he gets more and more handsome with
every passing awards show.
BRAD:  I just saw him on "Baywatch" way Ray Miller and Julie Rhine. They were
phenomenal together.
COLIN: Ted Ashton, Chris Dale, those are all people who owe me money.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)