Episode 234
Original airdate: April 6, 2000
Performers: Wayne Brady, Denny Siegel, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Denny is the contestant, Wayne is Jar Jar Binks, Colin is
a disgruntled postal worker, Ryan is hypnotized
Sound Effects: Colin is a caveman, Ryan provides sounds
Props: Denny and Ryan have connected peach-colored tombstone-shaped foam,
Wayne and Colin have two yellow curves with jagged points on the inside
Moving People: Colin is the Lone Ranger, Ryan is Tonto
Hoedown: bad neighbors
Helping Hands: Ryan (Colin's hands) is teaching survival to Drew
Credits: Wayne and Colin as drill sergeants
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...this is the first episode with no games that Linda Taylor played in?
References
"Alien" (film)
- "In space, no one can hear [you scream]"
- "This time, it's personal"
"Love Story" (film)
- "Love is never having to say [you're sorry]"
"Little Shop of Horrors" (play)
- "Feed me, Seymour!"
"Home Improvement" (TV)
- Ryan imitates Wilson behind the fence
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: In space, no one can hear Wayne Brady! This time, it's personal. Denny
Siegel! Love is never having to say you're Colin Mochrie! And don't go in
the basement, it's Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down,
let's have some fun. Hello. Hello. Hello, and welcome to "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" "Whose Line is it Anyway?", where everything's made up and the
points don't matter. That's right, the points are like the drapes at Pamela
and Tommy Lee's house. They just don't matter. What's going to happen during
the show is all of these fine performers are going to come up here, they're
going to make everything up for you right off the top of their heads. And
then I give them points. It's just a gag to hold the show together, really,
it doesn't have anything to do with anything. And at the end of the night,
we arbitrarily choose a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something
special with me which is illegal in Alabama, but we're going to do it
anyway. I don't care what people in Alabama think, we're going to do it
anyway, right? That's right.
WAYNE: Whee.
DREW: Freedom. Whoo! Now let's start out with a game called Let's Make a
Date. This is for all four of you. Denny, you're going to be appearing on a
dating-type show, hoping to be picking a bachelor that can make your dreams
come true. Unfortunately, all we have is Ryan, Colin, and Wayne. We've given
each of them a strange characteristic or identity and you're going to have
to guess who they are. Now you know why I said, "oh no." Now, let's go, off
you go Denny, whenever you're ready.
DENNY: Bachelor number one. If I were a vehicle, I would be a convertible
with my top always down. What kind of vehicle would you be?
WAYNE: ["Jar Jar Binks"] Oh for sure, me me me be big car, drive fast! Oh!
(he flaps the skin at the top of his head)
DENNY: Okay, that sounds intriguing. Bachelor number two. When I was a baby,
my first words were "mama" and "cookie." If you were my baby, bachelor
number two, what would your first words to me be?
COLIN: ["Disgruntled postal worker"] Oh, you wanna talk to me. You know,
it's just give give give, isn't it? On my part! Doesn't matter -- sleet,
rain, snow, sun, it doesn't matter! As long as you get what you want! (he
seethes)
DENNY: Okay, thanks! Okay, bachelor number three, hi.
RYAN: (flatly) Hello.
DENNY: I don't own a telescope, for a lot of reasons. But if I did, what I'm
wondering is if you were a constellation, bachelor number three, what
constellation would you be?
RYAN: ["Still hypnotized from last night's stage show"] I would be... stars
that... (he barks like a dog)
(Colin screams in fear)
RYAN: (swinging an imaginary golf club) Fore! Elvis! Elvis! Come aliens, we
accept you. (he clucks like a chicken)
DENNY: Okay bachelor number one, back to you. A lot of men brag that they
can take their women around the world. Where would you take me?
WAYNE: Ooo! (he sticks his tongue out and catches a bug) Ooh I take you,
yeah yeah, take you to water planet. Yeah yeah. Oh how rude. I big, one big
stereotype.
DENNY: Well, that's really good, bachelor number one, 'cause it's really
important to me that a man has a good stereo. Bachelor number two.
COLIN: What? (he holds up a gun)
DENNY: If I were waiting to hear from you, and then I did, I'd be so happy,
I'd put on something pink and slinky.
COLIN: Would you?! Would you?!
DENNY: Yeah.
COLIN: Then keep putting them in the slots! Slot there, slot... Nobody's
leaving! Nobody's leaving! Time for a special delivery!
(Wayne "ooh"s in fear and tries to escape)
COLIN: Sit down! Sit down, nobody's going!
(Wayne sits down and flaps his flaps. Colin places stamps on Wayne's head.)
DENNY: Okay.
COLIN: Do you hear dogs?
DENNY: No.
(Ryan barks like a dog. Colin starts shooting at the floor.)
DENNY: Bachelor number three. A lot of people say the most important thing
in life is love or access to a big mall. What would you say the most
important thing in life is?
(Ryan pretends to take off his clothes, stands up, and starts saluting)
RYAN: Hello, admiral. Hello, admiral. Miss Piggy, nice to see you. Who made
the salad? (he sits down and barks like a dog)
(buzzer)
DREW: Okay. Denny, who are these three?
DENNY: Wow.
WAYNE: Yes.
DENNY: It's going to be really hard to choose because they're all really
fairly male, and... So I'm just going to start with the first one, bachelor
number one. Are you a Komodo dragon?
DREW: (snorts) No.
WAYNE: How rude!
DENNY: Oh. Wait a minute, bachelor number one, are you dating Woody Allen?
(Drew, Ryan, and Colin start to laugh)
DREW: No, but that's a great guess, though.
DENNY: You're some kind of Japanese...
DREW: Have you seen "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace," did you see the movie?
DENNY: Yeah. Oh no, you're Jar Jar?
DREW: Yeah.
DENNY: Oh, my dream date. I have you on a big plastic cup.
(Wayne makes a cooing noise)
DENNY: All right, well I don't want to go out with bachelor number two
because he's clearly a disgruntled postal worker.
DREW: Yes.
DENNY: But I'm kind of intrigued by bachelor number three, who's clearly
encompassing every paranoid mental illness known to man.
DREW: No.
DENNY: No?
DREW: No.
DENNY: Okay, then he's someone in my family.
DREW: That's close enough. He's still hypnotized from last night's stage
show. (buzzer) That's what it is. Thanks very much.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: (as Jar Jar) Oh Woody, your jokes are so funny.
(Drew catches a fly and blinks his eyes)
DREW: Okay, let's go on to... oh God, man, that was funny. Let's go on to a
game called Sound Effects. This is Sound Effects for Colin and Ryan. Colin,
you're going to improvise a scene. And Ryan, you're going to provide sound
effects that Colin has to respond to. There's your microphone. And the scene
is a day in the life of a busy caveman.
(Colin points at Drew in confirmation)
(The scene begins with Colin asleep, snoring and grunting. A sporadic
squirting noise wakes him up. He pounds his fist on something to the side of
him to make the noise stop, then gets out of bed. He scratches himself, then
straightens his long hair. He also straightens his long body hair. Colin
licks his arms. He then picks up a piece of floss and tends to his dental
hygiene. He walks out of his cave, only to hear wind whistling. He listens
carefully, and soon hears a rhythmic drum beat. He turns off the portable
radio on his waist, and the music stops. He feels his stomach, hears it
growl, and picks up a spear. He peeks through some bushes and hears a small
bird chirping. He throws the spear and hits a large growling animal instead.
Colin starts to run, with the wild animal taking loud steps behind him.
Colin stops and starts to dig a hole. The animal falls in, screaming for a
few seconds before hitting the bottom. Colin quickly covers the hole back
up. Still hungry, he sees a pterodactyl screeching through the air. He
throws a rock, and hits the pterodactyl, which comes falling toward him. He
catches the pterodactyl, nearly being crushed under its weight. He puts the
beast down and pours himself something to drink. Before he can take a sip,
though, he hears a saber-toothed tiger growling at him. He wrestles with the
tiger, throwing it down, killing it, and putting on its skin. He puts the
tiger's head over his head, adjusting it by grabbing the teeth.)
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. 510 points for each of you. Actually only 500
points, but the camera adds 10 points. Makes you look like you have 10 more
points than you do. Now we're going to do a game called Props. This is for
all of you. Ryan and Denny, this is your prop. Believe it or not. Good luck.
And Colin and Wayne, there you go.
(Denny and Ryan have two long peach tombstone shapes attached by the sides.
Wayne and Colin have two yellow arcs with jagged points on the inner side of
each arc.)
DREW: They have to come up with as many ideas for these props as they can.
And I'll buzz them in between. Ryan and Denny, go ahead and start.
(Denny and Ryan each stand on half of the prop)
DENNY: Yeah, I'm telling you, it's like a totally bitchin' wave. (buzz)
(Wayne places the two arcs on each side of him and rocks)
WAYNE: (old voice) I remember back in 1984, we would sit outside drinking
lemonade. (buzz)
(Ryan and Denny stand behind the standing-up prop)
RYAN: Today we bury Pamela Anderson. (buzz)
(Wayne holds the jagged edges around his head and moves them back and forth)
WAYNE: Feed me, Seymour. (buzz)
(Ryan stands behind the prop, his face obscured)
RYAN: Hey, you look like you're troubled, Tim. (buzz)
(the two yellow props are in a circle on the floor)
WAYNE: Be vewy... (he steps in the prop and screams) (buzz)
(Ryan holds the prop over his pantlegs)
RYAN: Miss Kitty, you've got to head out of town with me. (buzz)
(the yellow props are lying on the floor)
COLIN: This is the worst Pac-Man massacre I've ever seen. (buzz)
(Denny holds the prop over her chest)
DENNY: Yeah, laugh all you want sonny, you'll droop too when you're my age.
(buzz)
(the two props are stood up against the step)
COLIN: A little known fact about the Alps: When they get wet, they roll up a
little. (buzz)
(Denny rolls up the prop and holds it over Ryan's head, points up. Ryan
chants in fake Latin.) (buzz)
(Colin surrounds himself with the two props. He cracks them open and makes
cheeping noises.) (buzz)
(Ryan folds the prop in half and places it under his arm)
RYAN: Blistex delivery for Mr. Jagger.
(buzzer)
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after
this. Don't go anywhere!
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. I had a nice break, I hope
you did too. I had a sandwich and a pizza and a six-pack of beer. Now let's
go on to... 'cause I'm a pig. Okay, now let's go on to a game called Moving
People. Moving People. This is for Colin and Ryan. They're going to
improvise a scene, but they can't move unless somebody moves them. What's
your name?
DALLAS: Dallas.
DREW: Dallas. Nice to meet you, Dallas. What's your name?
JOE: Joe.
DREW: Joe. Are you together, Dallas and Joe?
JOE: Sure.
DREW: You're together now. Come on up here. Meet Colin and Ryan. Have a big
hand for Dallas and Joe, why don't you go right up there. Dallas, Joe,
Colin, Ryan. Now pick a person, you each get one person. Yep, you get stuck
with Ryan.
RYAN: Sorry, Joe.
DREW: Ryan and Colin are mannequins, okay? They can't move unless you move
them. So put them in a position right now, any position you want them to be
in. They can't move unless you move them, so put them in any kind of
position. Okay, any kind of position you want...
(Dallas raises Colin's right arm so it looks like he's holding a waiter's
tray above his head, and places his left hand on his side. Joe turns Ryan to
face Colin and place his right hand on Colin's backside.)
DREW: All right, that's good. Let's start right there. The scene is, while
tracking some dangerous outlaws, Ryan, who's Tonto, and Colin, who's the
Lone Ranger, are ambushed. Ambushed by the outlaws. So go ahead and start
the game.
RYAN: Kemosabe been working out.
COLIN: Tonto, try to concentrate.
RYAN: Mm, me sorry.
COLIN: I'm going to try to raise over this rock here just to see what the
outlaws are doing. Maybe I'll stand on my tippy toes. No, let me just think
about what I'm going to do. (his right hand scratches his head)
RYAN: I can't seem to not touch you, I love you so much.
(Colin's left hand is placed on Ryan's right shoulder)
COLIN: Oh good friend, please concentrate.
(Joe slowly moves Ryan's legs forward)
RYAN: Yes, I can walk fine.
COLIN: Good.
RYAN: But me no stop touching you.
(Colin's right arm is lowered to his side)
COLIN: All right. Why don't you get your own gun. Out of your holster.
(Colin's hands are placed where holsters would be)
RYAN: You think Tonto ready for own gun?
(Ryan's right hand is placed on his own backside)
COLIN: Yes.
RYAN: Tonto been working out as well. You hear that?
COLIN: What? (his right hand is cupped over his ear)
RYAN: You hear that, Lone Ranger?
COLIN: Yes, I do.
RYAN: Me hear horses coming.
(Colin's left hand is placed over his mouth. He mumbles.)
RYAN: I can't... (his left hand is placed on his head) Oh, what a splitting
headache.
(Colin's arms are extended straight from his sides, with the elbows bent and
hands sticking up into the air)
COLIN: Look into my eyes.
RYAN: I'll never look into your eyes. (he steps back)
COLIN: They're over here.
RYAN: I know where they are, I will not look at you.
COLIN: Tonto.
RYAN: Never.
(Colin's left hand is placed on Ryan's right shoulder)
COLIN: My friend.
RYAN: Never ever will I look at you.
COLIN: I'll strangle you.
RYAN: I will not look at you.
COLIN: I'll strangle you. (his left hand is placed around Ryan's neck)
RYAN: You can say all the words you want to me, I will never look in your
eyes.
COLIN: Tonto, we've been through so much.
RYAN: I no look. (Ryan's left hand is placed on his stomach) I'll put my
hand down, but I no look at you. Oh, me hungry.
(the back of Colin's right hand is placed on his forehead)
COLIN: Look! Over the ridge, over there! Where I'm about to point. (his
right arm is extended)
(Ryan's right hand is placed on his left shoulder)
RYAN: Masked man, you know... you know I will never look at anything
besides this spot on ground.
COLIN: I know. Come over to the horses and get the guns. (his right arm is
placed at his side)
RYAN: All right, but me hope it not too far from spot on ground.
COLIN: All right.
RYAN: Otherwise me have to move head.
(Colin and Ryan each take one step to their right)
COLIN: That's close enough to the horse. Here, take this gun. Catch.
(Colin's right hand is moved around near his left hand. Ryan's left hand is
raised above where Colin would have thrown the gun.)
COLIN: Sorry about the sissy throw.
RYAN: Look. Kemosabe.
COLIN: What? (his right hand is placed on his hip)
RYAN: Me block spot on ground with hand.
COLIN: Good, Tonto, good. Now just concentrate on the desperados.
RYAN: What desperados?
COLIN: The bad guys. Over there.
RYAN: Over where, Kemosabe?
(Colin's right arm points toward his left)
COLIN: They've changed direction.
(Ryan's left hand is placed on the back of his head)
RYAN: Me try to move own head but won't help.
COLIN: Oh my goodness. Now I'm only staring at one spot too, Tonto. (his
head is lowered to face the floor)
RYAN: Someday I hope to see world.
COLIN: It looks like it's too late for us, good friend. (his right arm is
raised) We've got no way to protect ourselves and I'm just flailing,
flailing. (his arms flail)
(Ryan's left arm is raised up and his right hand is placed near his left
side)
RYAN: Oh. I imagine it's so beautiful over there. So much to see, so little
time.
(Colin's hands are above his head)
COLIN: Wait, help me get this large apple off the tree.
RYAN: What is tree, Kemosabe?
COLIN: It's over here, Tonto.
RYAN: Tree... (his arms are moved in front of him)
COLIN: Move your head!
RYAN: My head? You mean my head moves? (Joe turns Ryan's head to look at
Colin)
COLIN: Yes! Yes!
(buzzer)
DREW: Yeah! Yeah! Okay, that's it. Thank you. Thank you Dallas and Joe.
Very good, why don't you step over here? You guys were great, thank you very
much.
(everybody returns to their seats)
DREW: Well, that Joe sure can take a hint, can't he? All right. Points to
everybody. Now let's do a game called... oh. My favorite game in the whole
wide world. Guess what that is? Hoedown! Yeah! Yeah! I love me a Hoedown,
man. This is for everybody with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. Laura
Hall. What I need from the audience is, I need a suggestion of a reason you
would call a lawyer.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Bad neighbor. That was a good one. Thank you, whoever had the bad
neighbor. Let's hear the Bad Neighbor Hoedown, Laura, whenever you're ready.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Who knew that when I moved into my house
My new neighbor would be such a louse
He's just like Jar Jar Binks 'cause he is always "rude"
Peeking in my window when I'm breakdancing nude
DENNY: I once had a neighbor, living there was really hard
I used to find legs and arms buried in my yard
My husband said, "Honey, you really should be calmer"
But I said, "It's your fault when we moved next to Jeffrey Dahmer"
COLIN: Parties with drunks and naked girls are happening next door
There is an awful racket, it's shaking up my floor
There's in and out and things are happening, I know I shouldn't
grouse
But boy I hate living next to the White House
RYAN: I really hate the guy who lives next door to me
I wish he would move real far or so I couldn't see
People running naked, it's really really scary
But I guess that's what you get when you live next door to Drew Carey
ALL: Next door to Drew Carey
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after
this. Don't go anywhere.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner:
Ryan Stiles. Ryan Stiles is the big winner tonight. That's right.
He is the big winner. 'Cause he's the winner, we're going to help him do a
very special game. It's called Helping Hands. Colin is going to be his hands
for him so he doesn't have to use his hands. All he has to do is kind of
stand there and talk. And then I'm going to help him out. And I don't know
why we're wearing these vests, but let's find out from Wayne. Wayne, what's
the gag here?
WAYNE: Ryan is a Green Beret teaching Drew how to survive in the wild and
live off the land.
DREW: All right.
RYAN: You ever been out in the woods before, Carey? You ever had to live by
the land?
DREW: No, I haven't. What do I do? Tell me, what do I start with?
RYAN: First you salute me. Let me show you the right way.
(Colin alternates arms in saluting while Ryan grunts. Drew does the same.)
RYAN: Hey, you learn fast, Carey. First we're going to do a little...
hand-to-hand combat! (Colin's hands curl like claws. Drew reacts in the same
way.) Eh, we'll skip that. Carey, sometimes you're out in the woods.
DREW: Yes.
RYAN: You're not going to find any sort of convenience store out there, any
sort of fast food place. You gotta learn to live off the land.
DREW: What do you do, dig in the dirt or something like that?
RYAN: Dirt, Carey?
DREW: Yeah.
RYAN: You know what vitamins are in dirt?
DREW: No. Tell me.
(Colin's hand picks up some dirt)
RYAN: Carey, dirt, to some, is very edible.
DREW: Well, what does it taste like, I wonder.
(Colin places some dirt in Ryan's mouth. He reaches down and picks up a
worm.)
RYAN: Oh. (Colin puts the worm in Ryan's mouth)
DREW: A worm.
RYAN: Dirt is best washed down with jiggly worms.
DREW: That's right. And what do you use to drink out in the wild? Where do
you get your water and all that stuff?
RYAN: Well, hopefully there's some in this canteen right now.
DREW: Yeah.
(Colin unscrews the canteen top)
RYAN: Please let there be some. Oh, there is. (he drinks from the canteen)
DREW: How's that?
RYAN: Oh, that's good stuff, Carey.
DREW: Yeah. Now tell me, how do you disguise yourself so people don't see
you when you're out? Besides the clothes you're wearing, of course?
RYAN: Hey! Still working on the dirt. Well, there's all kinds of ways...
DREW: Why don't you just spit it out in your hand?
RYAN: All right. (he spits the dirt into Colin's hands) There's all kinds
of ways, there's all kinds of ways to disguise yourself, Carey, thanks for
asking. This here...
DREW: Yeah.
RYAN: This is paint.
DREW: Yeah.
RYAN: Paint that helps you blend in. You notice I'm wearing the vest.
DREW: Yeah.
RYAN: This would... for instance, this is brown paint. If I put this on my
face, (Colin smears it on Ryan's cheeks and chin) I'd be a tree. Look, I'm a
tree. (he poses) You can't see me. You can't see me. A little green, if I
take a little green, take a little green and I just put a little bit on the
end of my nose... (Colin applies paint to Ryan's nose)
DREW: Yeah.
RYAN: Look, I'm a frog in a tree. Frog in a tree. Can't see me, can't see
me, frog in a tree. And then I'd pounce! And you pounce! And you pounce!
(buzzer)
DREW: Thanks for watching "Whose Line." We'll be right back with more of it
right after this. Don't go away.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line." We're going to end the show
tonight with Colin and Wayne reading the credits for you. Colin and Wayne,
you're going to read the credits as two drill sergeants. Two drill sergeants
reading the credits. Good night everybody, we'll see you next time.
WAYNE: All right, atenhup!
COLIN: Tehguh. Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson, yaavobohuh!
WAYNE: Ryan Stiles, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, Dan Patterson, you'd better
produce that show, boy!
COLIN: You give me twenty push-ups! You give me twenty!
WAYNE: Now Tom Park, Drew Carey, you big sissies! Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie
-- KP!
COLIN: Break out of this gun in five seconds! One two three four five!
WAYNE: Eric Wilker, atenhup! Stacy Gale, she's sleeping...
COLIN: (singing) Uh, datnuh was a duhmuh gah
WAYNE: (singing) And downownow Danny Accomando
COLIN: (singing) Pruhzuhdutguh easduhgo
WAYNE: (singing) Dana Peterson
COLIN: (singing) Sound off
WAYNE: (singing) Raleigh Film
COLIN: (singing) Sound off
WAYNE: (singing) On ABC
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)