Episode 5

Now that I've stirred up a touch of controversy, let's start the show.

"BattleBots" is still sponsored by Taco Bell and 3D's. I'm glad they finally came up with a three-dimensional snack chip. All those two-dimensional ones just couldn't satiate my appetite.

Tim's not wearing a suit for this episode. Those bullies on the "Beat the Geeks" set beat him up and stole it.

Carmen's script consists of totally random sentences that are unrelated to one another. Yes, she recites them poorly, but I don't think even Sir Laurence Olivier could do anything with that.

In case you were wondering about Blade Runner this time, it was knocked out by Heavy Metal Noise. Now Heavy Metal Noise will face T-Minus. Heavy Metal Noise has got two tires in the back, some legs in the front to raise the body off the ground, and a vertical spinning bludgeoning disk on each side. Except right now, it's only got one of its spinning disks attached. T-Minus is still a pneumatic flipper.

Box, lights, fight. Heavy Metal Noise heads straight for T-Minus, which backs the heck up. Heavy Metal Noise makes a right turn. But the forces from that single blade spinning alone on its left side cause the bot to tilt sideways and get stuck on its side!

Technically, Heavy Metal Noise can move, since it's resting on its tire. It spins in place, bouncing around, trying to get itself back on two wheels. T-Minus is content to just let it flop around. What a strange fight this could be.

Heavy Metal Noise puts itself over the saws, but the saws don't help it get back down. More random movements. Finally, Heavy Metal Noise gets back on both wheels. Okay, it's robot fightin' time.

That whole ordeal took a little more than thirty seconds. Heavy Metal Noise goes back to chasing T-Minus around the box. T-Minus appears to want no part of that spinning disk. Or maybe their strategy is to get Heavy Metal Noise to tilt itself again. They'll have to turn the other way for that to happen.

T-Minus takes a shot, but misses. Heavy Metal Noise gets back in T-Minus' face. T-Minus takes another shot, and this time sends Heavy Metal Noise into inverted mode.

Heavy Metal Noise continues at T-Minus, climbing up onto T-Minus' back. T-Minus swats it off with a lift from the bar part of the lifting mechanism.

A lot of teasing by the two robots, neither wanting to leave themselves open to the other. T-Minus bumps into the non-blade side of Heavy Metal Noise. Heavy Metal Noise stops moving -- looks like its wheels are off the ground, since they're spinning. T-Minus heads around to the back and throws Heavy Metal Noise into the air. Heavy Metal Noise lands in the same inverted position, but now it's moving again.

Actually, to me, it seems like Heavy Metal Noise would want to be inverted for this fight. Its rear end scrapes the ground when it's inverted, while there's some clearance in the right side up mode. The fewer places T-Minus can get underneath you, the better.

T-Minus meets Heavy Metal Noise face-to-face and gives the bot another mighty toss. Heavy Metal Noise stops spinning the disk, then gets it going in the opposite direction. Um, you're still inverted there, Heavy Metal Noise. Shoulda left it going.

T-Minus goes to the side of Heavy Metal Noise and tries to throw it again. No real air this time, but Heavy Metal Noise is tipped onto its other side. The spinning disk quickly rights the robot. By "rights," I mean, "keeps it inverted."

T-Minus is at the back of Heavy Metal Noise again, and again, another hefty toss makes Heavy Metal Noise do a complete 360.

A little driving, and T-Minus is under the rear of Heavy Metal Noise once more. Another flip. During the flip, Heavy Metal Noise's disk grazes T-Minus.

Heavy Metal Noise is still upside-down. T-Minus goes to its side and gives it a friendly flip so it's finally right side up again. Heavy Metal Noise drives into the spike strip, putting a nice gouge in the thing and stopping the disk. T-Minus still has its lifting arm raised in the air.

Heavy Metal Noise was kind of stuck on the strip, but it frees itself, spins the blade up (in the correct direction), and heads for the immobile T-Minus. The target -- T-Minus' left tire. Heavy Metal Noise sets to work on shredding it while T-Minus continues to not move (save for being pushed backward by the hits delivered by Heavy Metal Noise).

Heavy Metal Noise pushes T-Minus over the saws, which get one hit in before T-Minus is counted out. Bum-mer.

There's an upset for y'all. And speaking of unusual finishes to fights, Carmen is nowhere to be seen in both exit interviews.

Commercials. 3D's remind me of Crispix. Maybe Crispix should tout itself as a three-dimensional cereal. Does Crispix even have an advertising strategy? Other than "No, really, we're not Chex," of course.

Time for the usual segment from the pits. Today it's how builders spend their down time. Surprisingly, there's no sign of Carlo Bertocchini.

Here are some lightweight quarterfinal fights that you won't get to see in their entirety. Carnage Raptor knocked out Hexy Jr. at the end of the fight. The Big B taught Slap 'Em Silly how to be a wedge. And Death By Monkeys knocked out Sallad, resulting in a sad, smoking robot.

That leaves one lightweight quarterfinal match left. Ziggo versus Wedge of Doom. This should be a good one just for the two big names involved.

Jonathan Ridder hasn't had a profile segment in a while. So let's do one. This is another one that's actually funny (believe it or not!). It seems that the show is able to do funny ones not when they actually try to profile the builders, but when they just parodies of other things. This time, it's a takeoff on the short-lived MTV series "FANatic." A guy named Justin (I'm assuming hired to play the part) visits Jonathan so he can see the famed Ziggo in person on "Zealot." To train Justin on the finer points of robot destruction, Jonathan uses Justin as his own personal butler. Hee hee. Do more parodies, "BattleBots."

For this fight, Wedge of Doom has placed a piece of metal attaching the two flaps on either side of the lifting arm. Looks like the strategy is to go solid wedge on Ziggo. Ziggo's strategy looks to be to spin up and destroy Wedge of Doom.

Fightin' time. Wedge of Doom flies across the box, misses Ziggo, and slams itself into the base of a screw. Ziggo gets up to full speed and starts to vibrate. While Wedge of Doom darts around, Ziggo goes over some saws and is tossed around like a top. Ziggo flies up the entrance ramp and has to start spinning again.

Wedge of Doom gets itself oriented and pushes Ziggo further up the ramp. Oh, Wedge of Doom's lifting arm can still come out with that metal piece attached across the middle. Tony has just removed the forks that help the arm lift. What's left of the arm raises Ziggo a little, but then slips out.

Ziggo tries to escape, but Wedge of Doom keeps it up on the entrance ramp. This prevents Ziggo from spinning, which would definitely be a bad thing for Wedge of Doom. Ziggo appears to be high-centered on the ramp. Wedge of Doom backs up to try to slam into Ziggo, but Ziggo spins up. When Wedge of Doom approaches, Ziggo smacks the wedge and sends the robot spinning into the wall. Wedge of Doom hits reverse and pushes Ziggo back to the middle of the box. Ziggo bounces around, apparently unbalanced.

Wedge of Doom makes another charge at Ziggo. I think Wedge of Doom is pulling to the right a bit, as again it misses the spinner entirely and hits the spike strip. To be precise, Wedge of Doom hits the edge of the spike strip that separates the other entrance ramp from the level floor. The wedge gets stuck underneath the strip itself (not the spikes), lifting four of the six wheels into the air. Ziggo retreats to spin up.

Wedge of Doom escapes... under the sledgehammer. Ziggo is vibrating again, which means it's at full spinning speed. Wedge of Doom drives into Ziggo. Both bots are pushed away from one another. Wedge of Doom goes spinning into another wall. Ziggo goes spinning, too, unbalanced again. It lands on its side, and for the first time, we get to see how easy it is for Ziggo to right itself with that flagpole. In no time, Ziggo is back on its feet.

Wedge of Doom's wedge is now bent from that one blow. Wedge of Doom kind of limps toward Ziggo. Ziggo is back at full speed again, and heading for Wedge of Doom. A slight tap on the wedge. Wedge of Doom tries to line up on Ziggo. Ziggo tries to maneuver itself toward Wedge of Doom's delicious, exposed wheels. The big hit ends up being on the wedge, though, which is torn clean off Wedge of Doom's body!

Box of Doom tries to position its front at Ziggo, though who knows what he plans to do with it. Ziggo smashes into the corner of the robot, spinning it toward a wall again.

Wedge of Doom is missing its front left wheel. Tony taps out, and Ziggo is moving to the semis.

Ziggo spins down while Wedge of Doom is counted out. I see smoke coming out of the bottom of Ziggo.

Oh, that's why. Ziggo's internals are on fire.

Commercials. The same ones as last week.

I think they reused the clip of Carmen telling us that a super heavyweight fight is next. Okay, but if I have to hear that opening speech again...

Toro versus Maximus. Toro's the same as last season (save for new and different decals). Maximus now has a flat red wedge on the front.

Start the fight. Both robots a little unclear in their driving. Toro tries to flip Maximus from behind, but doesn't get enough of a hold. The flipping arm is really slow to lower.

Maximus is zipping all along the floor. Toro is quite slow compared to Maximus. Toro tries another flip, but Maximus has already driven away. Both bots touch the saws.

Toro gets under Maximus again, and this time, the flip is a success. A full flip, a landing on the side, and Maximus drops down right side up. Toro pushes Maximus against the wall, nudges up from behind again, and gives Maximus another flip, this time putting it on its back. Maximus' underbelly is quite shiny.

It's also quite flimsy, too. Maximus drives directly underneath a sledgehammer on the opposite side of the box. The hammer drops and puts a big dent in the armor of Maximus.

Toro comes over and decides to give Maximus a hand by flipping it back over. Then an almost-flip under the wedge.

Maximus drives away. It turns around and charges at Toro. Toro drives up the wedge of Maximus and is flipped over. We've waited a year to see Toro self-right. And it quickly does. It then drives over to Maximus and tosses it in return.

Toro is on the entrance ramp. It backs up and pushes Maximus over some saws. Maximus tries to gain position, but Toro gets under its side again and flips it onto its back again.

Today's computer-generated BattleBox ad is from the American Plastics Council. Remember to buy plastics for all your generic material needs.

Maximus drives up the entrance ramp, then back onto the floor. Toro flips it back over and holds it against the wall for a couple seconds.

Maximus sure does love driving up that entrance ramp. Toro follows and gets its flipping foot caught under the seam of the ramp. Maximus pushes Toro back. Toro flips Maximus again.

Maximus takes a shot from the saws. Lots of bright sparks there. Toro flips Maximus onto the entrance ramp again.

Maximus tries to get free. Toro gets its flipper caught under the ramp again. Maximus frees Toro once more (it has to if it wants to get off the blasted ramp).

Toro's had a couple of chances to flip Maximus that it hasn't tried on. I think it may have run out of flipping power. No, wait. Toro gets under Maximus and raises the arm. It lifts Maximus, but not with the power it had at the start of the match. Toro must be running low on carbon dioxide.

Only ten seconds left, though. Toro holds Maximus against a spike strip for the remainder of the time.

That was a 32-13 fight. For Toro, of course. Commercials now. They aren't advertising a fourth fight. I hope they fit four into the second half hour. Or I may very well stop watch... eh, let's not kid ourselves.

No fourth fight. They do their little "update." If you've seen the last one and a half hours of the season, then you already know what they tell you. Huh... I'm hungry. I have this irresistible urge to stuff some 3D's into a burrito and eat it.

Time for the next half hour. Huh? They're going to be showing the lightweight finals tonight, they say. In episode five of ten? Either we're going to be seeing some rumbles, or they're just giving the lightweights the finger. I'm guessing it's the latter.

Bil and Tim are still wearing the same clothes from the first half hour. You mean... they taped these two episodes in the same day?!

Bil and Tim hype up tonight's fights. We've got a whole lot of good fights coming up... so let's see what Carmen Electra has to say. Sorry, Comedy Central, but you just can't make it sound like a natural sequence of events. "The 2002 Winter Olympics are just about to get underway with the best athletes of all time competing... Now here are some words from Marlon Brando."

Carmen's speech is cut off in the middle. Good.

Here's a lightweight semifinal match. Ziggo versus Death By Monkeys. Death By Monkeys has replaced its spikes with a single steel bar. Good move. But Ziggo's probably going to tear it off, anyway. At least the spikes would've been more dangerous to those nearby if they went flying off.

The show now has an even more intrusive way of telling us it's the quarter/semi/finals. They actually shrink the screen down a little bit while running the word "Semifinals" (or whichever is appropriate) along the side. Why aren't we allowed to simply watch the fight? Oh well, I guess we should be thankful there aren't any logos appearing during the screen shrink. "Use Clorox -- the semi-final answer to tough stains."

Ziggo gets up to full speed. Death By Monkeys is afraid to approach. Well, guess it'd better attack... Death By Monkeys drives straight into Ziggo. Ziggo goes careening off toward that danged entrance ramp again. Death By Monkeys has a huge piece of it ripped off.

They repainted the floor -- the spinner is really bright and distracting now. Wait, I think it's telling me something. Yes... I will eat at Taco Bell... and drink Keystone Light...

...

I'm back. Just had to go pick up a couple of after-dinner snacks. What'd I miss? Death By Monkeys rams into Ziggo again. No damage to Ziggo. But Death By Monkeys has been injured. The metal bar has been shoved into one of its front tires. This cuts the tire, causing the rubber to get stuck on the metal bar. When Death By Monkeys tries to move forward, the rubber prevents the wheel from moving too far. When Death By Monkeys tries to back up, it hits the spike strip. This severely limits Death By Monkey's choices in motion.

Ziggo continues to spin, slowly coming toward Death By Monkeys. As has been happening all tournament, Ziggo is vibrating. Only now it's vibrating a little more. And Ziggo starts to pull another Mauler! Ziggo quickly slows the shell down and regains composure.

Death By Monkeys struggles to move forward. Ziggo is still spinning quite a bit, and delivers another blow to Death By Monkeys. Both bots fly away in opposite directions.

Ziggo spins up again and heads toward Death By Monkeys, which is next to the entrance ramp. Another big hit. Ziggo slows down. Death By Monkeys is still having trouble with that wheel.

Ziggo spins back up. Death By Monkeys is making little progress. Ziggo sits a few inches away from Death By Monkeys. Death By Monkeys backs into Ziggo, tossing Ziggo away. Death By Monkeys doesn't go too far.

Death By Monkeys isn't moving now. Ziggo spins the shell up and gives another big blow to the back of Death By Monkeys. Not much happens to Death By Monkeys. Ziggo bounces off the spike strip.

Ziggo powers down and heads to the center of the box. Death By Monkeys is declared KO'ed. Back to the finals for Ziggo. Bil nearly goes insane over this information.

Replays. Again, Tim identifies the "deadly shot" as being one where the opponent continues to move.

Carmen interviews Jonathan Ridder. She points out that two nuts are better than one. Jonathan points out that he's already got four of the things from various victories.

In case you're wondering what the other semifinal match was and how it turned out, it was The Big B versus Carnage Raptor. The Big B was the winner. So we haven't even seen one of the finalists in action yet. The Big B had better hope it wins the finals for some big money, 'cause it's sure getting screwed on the royalty checks.

Commercials. And now, a public service announcement from "BattleBots." Richard Karn, i.e., Al from "Home Improvement" (what has he done since that show?), has snuck into Christian Carlberg's garage to tell us how to properly dispose of our useless rechargeable batteries. 'Cause I'm all for a healthy environment, I'll let you know that the web site address is www.rbrc.org. Or .com. Why give us the .org address if the .com works just as well?

Super heavyweight time. Minion versus No Apologies. Minion is the same as last time. No Apologies has a hammering spike in it. And a couple of self-righting bars to the sides.

It's fightin' time for robots. Minion is unsure of whether to lead with the disk or the wedge. No Apologies is leading with the spike end, of course. Minion drives around and decides to go ahead and use the spinning disk to create some sparks on the front of No Apologies. No Apologies is driving around in semi-random directions. I guess that's a good way to confuse Minion.

Minion hits again with the disk and climbs up onto No Apologies a bit. Minion escapes, and No Apologies swings the spike. Wow, that's fast. Didn't hit Minion, though.

A kiss from Minion's disk, and Minion goes driving away. No Apologies moves to the middle of the box and starts to turn around for no good reason. Minion races forward and tries to attack with the wheel again. Minion kind of glances off to the side of No Apologies. No Apologies continues to turn, faces Minion, and buries the hammer deep into Minion's body. No Apologies tries to lift the spike out of Minion's body, but only succeeds in lifting Minion. That is one powerful spike.

Well, might as well take advantage of the situation before the two robots are separated ('cause No Apologies ain't getting that thing out of Minion on its own). Luckily, there's a set of saws nearby, so No Apologies dangles Minion over them. The saws repeatedly pop up and attack Minion's tires. On the fourth try, there's a really nice cut into one of them. Then No Apologies moves Minion a touch so its spinning disk is over the saws. Well, first, the disk, still spinning at full power, hits the floor nearby, tearing up the metal surrounding the saw covers. Then the disk hangs over the area where the saws raise. The saws come up, there are sparks as the saws hit Minion's spinning disk, then the saws retract. And those things don't pop up again for the rest of the fight.

Minion tries to wave its self-righting arm around in a feeble effort to get off No Apologies. It doesn't help. No Apologies, seeing that Minion broke the saws, takes Minion over to a hammer.

Okay. At this point, Comedy Central gives you an incorrect interpretation of what takes place in the fight. So if I may, I'm going to ignore what they say happened. Instead, I'll describe what really does happen. I don't have confirmation that this is correct, but logic tells me that I'm right.

No Apologies takes Minion under a hammer and sits. At this point, No Apologies' spike has been in Minion long enough that it's about time for the time out to be called to separate the two. So, since the crew has to go in the box to disconnect the robots, the arena hazards have to be turned off to make sure it's safe for the crewbots. When the arena hazards are shut off, the hammers fall to the ground, more slowly than they do when Pete is pressing the button to activate them. So we see the hammer above Minion being turned off, which of course, makes it fall on Minion (note that you can see another hammer on the ground as well when this happens). Hence the "weak shot" the announcers complain about. Before the crew goes in to separate the two robots, I'm guessing Minion's team taps out (we see them tapping out). So, with Minion out of the match, there's no need to power the hazards up again. Bada bing bada boom, No Apologies wins.

Comedy Central wants you to believe that the match was still going on that entire time. They add sounds and shots of the crowd booing to fake it even further. Remember, folks: Never trust Comedy Central. It's an important lesson that should be taught at all elementary schools.

In the post-fight interviews, we find out that that single blow from No Apologies managed to land squarely on one of Minion's receivers. Which means that not only does No Apologies win the fight, but also the giant plush panda bear doll as well!

Directly into another super heavyweight fight. Hammertime is more or less the same design, though it now has some decorative fins on the back, and most importantly, improved speed. The Judge has traded its black Kevlar coating for Lexan armor this time. It's also replaced the spike with a hammer. It's a fight between two similar hammer-bots. Should be a good one.

The fight is on. Whoa, Hammertime definitely is faster this season. It zooms across the box to meet The Judge, which has barely left its square. However, The Judge is the first to activate its weapon, hitting Hammertime and pushing The Judge in and away from Hammertime's spike. By the time Hammertime fires, there's nothing for it to hit.

The Judge gets into the fight and aims for Hammertime's side. Miss. The force of the hammer blow pushes the front of The Judge's body way up in the air, though. That is a powerful, scary hammer.

The Judge drives around to take another shot at Hammertime. It hits Hammertime's back and bends some of the decorative fins. Hammertime hasn't hit The Judge yet. The Judge takes a couple more swings, but misses.

The bots turn toward each other for a faceoff. They move forward for a head-on collision. As they meet, The Judge fires the hammer, hitting Hammertime's shaft. The Judge's body raises up on end, nearly vertical, from the power that hammer has, making The Judge looks like a grizzly bear on its hind legs.

The Judge gets back on its wheels and continues to attack. Hammertime fires its weapon about three seconds too late. The Judge is at Hammertime's side and makes a good dent in Hammertime's top armor. Three more hits in the same spot from The Judge. Pieces of armor go breaking off of Hammertime. Hammertime is no longer moving.

The Judge repositions itself and goes to work on the very top of Hammertime. More blows that bend the armor inward. The Judge suddenly retreats, which means that Hammertime has just tapped out. Hammertime tries to fire the weapon, and while it does move up and down, it's not working quite properly anymore. Buzzer.

They go right to commercial. The lightweight finals are indeed next.

Before the fight, Jason Bardis (of Dr. Inferno Jr. fame) is in the studio to talk about the upcoming fight. As you might know, last season Comedy Central said that Dr. Inferno Jr. would be retired after it won the championship. And as you might also know, Dr. Inferno Jr. competed in this tournament. It lost its first fight this time around. They conveniently leave that fact out during the interview.

Here we go, Ziggo versus The Big B for the title. The Big B is your standard parallelogram wedge. I can't believe I'm describing a previously-unseen robot during the finals.

I like how the referees are standing all menacing-like when they get the shot of the BattleBox before the robots are introduced. I guess it would look kind of silly to see them whooping up the crowd or some such.

Sit down and shut up, it's time for the finals. The Big B immediately rushes at Ziggo, and Ziggo wisely gets the heck out of the way. The Big B turns around and heads into Ziggo, which is still getting up to full speed. Ziggo brushes The Big B off, no visible damage. The Big B turns around and heads right back toward a more menacing, faster Ziggo. The Big B actually successfully gets the wedge underneath Ziggo. Ziggo kind of bounces into the air, but lands steadily on its feet. It's the first thing we've seen Ziggo do steadily all tournament.

The Big B is looking for positioning. It finds a spot that it likes and tries to push Ziggo into the wall. Of course, Ziggo knocks The Big B away. Ziggo does go into the wall, but keeps on spinning.

The Big B advances on Ziggo again, but Ziggo retreats, apparently not happy with the speed the shell is at yet. After a couple of seconds, Ziggo is ready to fight again. The Big B and Ziggo hit each other. Ziggo is pushed over the saws, which come up and push it to the side.

If we were to believe all the stuff this show does in post-production, then right now two of the judges are sitting with their heads directly behind the 3D's logo. No wonder sometimes the decisions seem so wrong!

That last blow has knocked the plate making up the front wedge of The Big B out of place. The Big B presses on, attacking Ziggo once more. The hit knocks the wedge out of place a little bit more. The Big B is being surprisingly resilient for a lightweight.

Ziggo initiates another hit to The Big B. Try as Ziggo might, it just can't rip that wedge off. Ziggo takes a crack at The Big B's back. Nope, that didn't hurt The Big B, either.

The Big B continues to attack with the front wedge (not that it has many choices in how to attack). Ziggo is hanging out near a sledgehammer to spin up. The Big B falls right into the trap, driving toward Ziggo, right next to the hammer. The hammer drops. From where the camera is, it looks like neither Ziggo nor the hammer hit The Big B. But the force of the hammer hitting the ground causes The Big B to bounce into the air (Ziggo does this too, though not as much).

Ziggo has stopped spinning momentarily. The Big B's wedge is hanging on just one side. The Big B tries attacking with the front, then attacking with the back. When it attacks with the back, though, the reverse wedge rides up Ziggo, raising The Big B. Back to attacking with the front.

An over-the-shoulder shot of Gary Gin driving. We see The Big B stop Ziggo's shell from spinning, then push Ziggo around. In the next shot, we see Ziggo at full speed. Continuity!

The Big B continues to ram Ziggo. It slowly pays off, as Ziggo gradually slows down. Soon, The Big B has Ziggo's shell at a stand-still, and Ziggo retreats while The Big B chases it. Ziggo glances over a saw. The Big B reaches Ziggo... but rides up Ziggo's shell when it attacks. Ziggo tries to push, but The Big B slides off.

The Big B gains the advantage and pushes Ziggo over some saws. Ziggo starts to spin up again. As Ziggo does, The Big B chases it. Of course, Ziggo runs away, as it's nowhere near full power yet. The Big B drives onto some saws during the chase.

Ziggo isn't getting its shell to go very fast. Ziggo attacks The Big B's side and stops spinning entirely. Ziggo can't really push.

Ziggo gets up to what I would guess to be about half its fastest spinning speed. The Big B absorbs another hit. That wedge just will not come off.

The Big B pushes Ziggo over the saws again. The saws pop up and tip Ziggo sideways into the air. The flagpole bounces Ziggo back onto the ground.

The Big B drives around Ziggo (which isn't spinning again) and begins to push. This is where the shot we saw previously came from. The Big B tries twice to push Ziggo onto some saws, but Ziggo is being most uncooperative by driving away before the saws can hit.

The Big B plays around a spinner, and Ziggo gets the shell back into motion. The Big B approaches, and Ziggo retreats again. Ziggo retreats itself into a wall, which kind of stops any hope of getting up to speed Ziggo had right there.

The Big B wanders a bit and Ziggo spins to that approximate half-power mode again. The Big B swallows another hit to the wedge. Less than thirty seconds left and The Big B hasn't lost any parts to Ziggo. Very impressive.

The Big B again repeatedly rams into Ziggo until it stops the spinning. The Big B then pushes Ziggo onto the saws, which take a nick. That lousy shrink-screen "Finals" sideways crawl reappears for a brief time. That really affects my perceptions of the fight, especially now that there are less than fifteen seconds left.

A little maneuvering, and time is up for this fight. It's got to be so hard to be a judge during the finals. Especially with a close one like this. The first thing they do is disqualify the 3D's logo for deliberately causing an obstruction of the view of the judges' table.

The final score is 24-21. The winner of the lightweight tournament in the November 2001 BattleBots event is... Ziggo!

Bil and Tim blather on, telling falsehood after falsehood about the way fights are scored. Post-fight interviews. Gary Gin is happy with his rookie bot's performance. Jonathan Ridder plays along and makes dirty jokes about his pair of nuts. Maybe "BattleBots" could get Planters as a sponsor.

Commercials. An ad from the Plastics Council. Y'know, apart from Lexan, plastic doesn't really make a good choice to use on a bot. I once made a middleweight out of pop bottles and Saran Wrap. It was defeated by... Buddy Lee.

You know what, I'm starting to feel guilty about picking on Buddy Lee so much (I'm going soft, I know). The thing lost its first fight in the qualifying rounds this time; I think it's about learned its lesson. So I'm not going to make any more Buddy Lee cracks in these summaries until it at least wins a couple fights in a row. Unless I think of a really good one.

Team Ziggy is presented with another giant nut. I like how everyone is really careful to walk around the killsaw holes when approaching the trophy.

Boy, that lightweight bracket sure was over in a hurry. And there were still lots of interesting things that happened that Comedy Central never showed! Fortunately, you have me. Here's a list of the great lightweight moments that you didn't see.

Before the tournament started, Dr. Inferno Jr. and Wedge of Doom did a little practice fighting in the testing area. Lawyer Tony Buchignani's Wedge of Doom performed the bold offensive move of serving Dr. Inferno Jr. a malpractice suit near the beginning of the fight. While the tactic didn't disable Dr. Inferno Jr., the champion was wounded, and quickly defeated in its first regulation fight.

For this tournament, it was stated in the rules that "Jim Smentowski must face every robot that contains the word 'Junkyard' in its name." Therefore, Backlash fought Junkyard Dog. As the fight started, Junkyard Dog's driver got a good, close look at Backlash's spinning disk at full power. His head exploded from contemplating seeing his robot destroyed by that. The explosion was deemed a visual obstruction and Backlash moved on by default.

There was a grudge match between Low Blow and Mouser Classic Mecha-Catbot. Nobody noticed.

Of course, there were several robots at this tournament inspired by last season's success of Son of Whyachi. Unfortunately, Bust-O-Matic's team focused too much on the drinking beer part of the building process. While the erratic swerving driving style was certainly fun to watch, it did not lend itself well to winning fights. After being defeated, Bust-O-Matic spilled motor oil all over the floor and apologized to its opponents while standing three inches away from their faces.

There was a robot called Nsyncerator. Man, everybody was gunning for that thing.

Approximately 350 lightweight wedges competed. Amazingly, every single one of them except The Big B was defeated by getting stuck under The Roaming Rectangle, a big door-shaped robot.

Hexy Jr., a smaller version of HexaDecimator, competed in this tournament. On its side is written the phrase, "My dad can flip your dad!" After Hexy Jr.'s fight with Backlash, it was confronted by YU812 in the pits. YU812, the smaller version of Son of Whyachi, reminded Hexy Jr. of last season's heavyweight semifinals. Hexy Jr. ran away crying.

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