Episode 10

A few words of strategy from the builders, and it's robot fightin' time. Both robots quickly spin up and go for one another. Blade meets disk as both robots jump back from the collision. Hazard spins up again while Heavy Metal Noise just sits there, its rear pointing at Hazard. I dare say Heavy Metal Noise is dead.

Hazard hits Heavy Metal Noise in that rear, and I must say, Heavy Metal Noise has a well-built backside, as nothing major happens. So Hazard aims for an exposed tire. Hazard hits it, and it goes flying across the BattleBox. If Heavy Metal Noise wasn't immobile before, it sure is now.

Hazard takes another shot, and now Heavy Metal Noise's back armor flies off. The hit even made Heavy Metal Noise's disk spin around a few times. Hazard goes into its victory spin, and that was a quick one. Every fight of Hazard's this season has been a quick one.

Ooh, they cut the clips out of the opening sequence. Maybe that means they'll actually show a lot of fighting robot-related things this time. Ha ha, yeah, that was pretty funny.

Real, confusing quote after the theme song ends: "BattleBots. Get out of the fast lane, grandma, there's a remote-controlled demolition derby ready to roll." They'll have problems if they're holding it on a freeway.

And no, that quote does not refer to the rumbles in any way.

Blah blah, replays, blah blah, Carmen, blah blah. Let's just get to the other middleweight semifinal.

It's Complete Control versus Zion. Zion looks fairly different this time. The most noticeable change is the addition of a really thin lifting arm down the middle. Boy, does that thing look like it could snap off easily. It's like using a toothpick to try to lift a potato.

I just realized "It's robot fightin' time" can be sung to the tune of the Howdy Doody theme song. Anyway, Complete Control races toward Zion. Bil wonders whether Complete Control jumped the gun on that green light. I've watched the start a few times -- if it did, then the show edited it so we couldn't tell.

Well, they're not calling a fault, so let's go. Complete Control crashes into the front of Zion. Zion raises the arm, but it isn't under Complete Control, so that doesn't work. Complete Control lowers its clamping arm, but Zion isn't under it, so that doesn't work.

Zion tries another lift while Complete Control repositions its fork, but nothin' doin'. Complete Control drives over a saw to escape. It's having some trouble getting its fork to scrape the floor.

Zion has hinged wedges nearly touching the floor on the front and sides. But when it turns around, we can see that it's left a convenient clamping space for Complete Control in the rear. I hope that's there because of weight issues, because that's a glaring oversight.

Complete Control is pushing Zion in the front. The clamping arm wouldn't hit Zion if it was lowered, so Complete Control just lifts the lower fork to raise Zion in the air. Zion tips backward but doesn't quite flip over. It does, however, land on some saws that have just popped up.

Zion drives away. Complete Control readjusts. Complete Control is slightly under Zion again. It tries to clamp this time but gets nothing but skirt, which slips away.

Complete Control drives up and onto Zion. Zion lifts the bar and kind of tilts Complete Control. Complete Control just plops back onto the floor.

Complete Control turns around and goes for Zion. Zion turns around and starts to run away. With its backside exposed. Now, I'm certainly no expert in this field, but even I can see what's going to happen here. Complete Control gets the fork under that big gap in the back of Zion. The arm comes down, and now Complete Control has a firm grip.

Time to lift. But Complete Control is the one to go into the air! I guess that clamp on the corner isn't as strong as it needs to be, as Complete Control sticks straight up into the air. Complete Control puts itself back on its wheels. Then Zion slips away.

Zion again runs away from Complete Control with its rear exposed. Complete Control wants to follow, but Zion made its path over some saw holes, and Complete Control knows better. They move around, and Zion drive over some saws, which pop up. True, hazard damage doesn't count in judging when it's self-inflicted, but still...

Complete Control is kind of under Zion's rear again, but not enough to try a clamp. So it pushes Zion onto the saws. Zion escapes.

Complete Control drives up Zion's front, so Zion gets an easy chance to use the lifting arm. It only serves to push Complete Control off.

Now Complete Control's clamping arm is down for no good reason. And now Complete Control is pushing into Zion with its wedged backside. It looks like Complete Control's having weapon problems.

But who needs a weapon when Zion keeps driving over saws?

Complete Control looks unsure of what to do. Zion takes its sweet time in approaching it. Complete Control gets the edge of its lower fork under the rear of Zion again. And the fork goes up -- I guess it's only the clamping arm that's broken. Zion is tipped, but not toppled.

Zion drives over more saws. Maybe its goal is to be hit by every set of saws in the arena -- I think it's halfway there. It tries to lift Complete Control, but Complete Control isn't on the arm.

Complete Control has another try at lifting Zion from behind. Even as a traditional lifter, Complete Control is doing better with its weapon.

Now Zion's only got two more sets of saws it needs to hit.

Complete Control gets hit by a saw. It tries to push Zion into one of the two sets it hasn't touched. Oh, but it doesn't happen. Twenty seconds left.

Zion drives over toward a spinner. Zion wedges under the spinner and lifts it well out of the floor. Okay, it gets points in my book for beating on the spinner.

Complete Control comes over and drives onto Zion a little bit. Zion kind of lifts with the arm. Complete Control backs off and tries a charge, but it just ramps onto Zion again. Zion's arm is still up, and it kind of captures Complete Control. It pushes Complete Control toward some saws. A couple of nicks. Complete Control tries using its fork to get out, but only can lift itself off the ground. The arms are stuck together. Time runs out as the two robots struggle.

It's a close decision -- 24-21. As I expected, it goes to Complete Control. Another bot I like going to the finals. I knew those bribes wold pay off.

Derek Young tells Carmen that the clamping arm was disabled due to a broken fitting. As he's interviewed, Mark Beiro announces the name of a heavyweight whose quarterfinal fight is coming up.

For some reason, Brad Wollack is wearing work gloves while interviewing Zion's team. Yeah, you've got to watch out for those mics -- they'll get pretty hot when you hold 'em.

Before the middleweight finals, there's a heavyweight quarterfinal match that we'll see. If you heard Mark Beiro, then you already know which one wins.

Commercials. Visit battlebots.com for a clumsy driving practice game.

Some drivers tell us names they considered, but didn't use for their robots. Carmen Electra then tries to act. And if you've seen "Baywatch," you know how well that goes.

Here's a heavyweight fight between Surgeon General and HexaDecimator. HexaDecimator has been drawing a disproportionate number of spinners in this tournament.

The big label on Surgeon General says, "Robot Controlled by Isaac 32." But the smaller label next to its wheel says, "Robot Controlled by Isaac 16." Doesn't seem like a good idea to mix transmitters in the same robot.

Robot fightin' thyme. The two are unhesitant in meeting. Bright titanium sparks distract us from the fact that Surgeon General has already ripped off part of the corner of HexaDecimator. A panel of something (Lexan?) from the top of Surgeon General also flies away. HexaDecimator tries a lift, but isn't underneath.

Surgeon General attacks the front of HexaDecimator. More sparks. HexaDecimator misses on another lift attempt. Surgeon General attacks one of HexaDecimator's sides. Lots of sparks, but titanium is strong, and Surgeon General can't simply cut through. Though it does rip off one of the plastic pegs designed to keep HexaDecimator from resting on its side.

Surgeon General attacks the front again, since that's where all the breakable bolts and screws are. It ramps up the front of HexaDecimator's wedge, tilts back, and rests on its rear end. HexaDecimator then activates the lifting arm, but that doesn't touch Surgeon General. That was caused strictly by the wedge.

Surgeon General is stuck, its spinning disk now vertical. HexaDecimator knows better than to put the powerful spinner back on its wheels, so it just kind of hangs by in case anything weird happens.

Surgeon General looks helpless. But its tires are spinning. Back and forth, back and forth... Surgeon General is starting to rock... and Surgeon General falls on its wheels! Granted, it's upside-down now, but it's invertible. Surgeon General also put a nice scratch in the floor when the disk hit it.

Surgeon General wastes no time in getting back in the fight, attacking the front of HexaDecimator again. HexaDecimator raises the arm again and this time succeeds in flipping Surgeon General. Back to having the disk on top.

But HexaDecimator looks like it's having trouble getting the left side to move. Surgeon General tries another attack, but just sort of rides up the wedge. Surgeon General attacks the rear again, spinning HexaDecimator around.

Yeah, I'd say the left side of HexaDecimator is gone. Surgeon General comes back over and almost gets flipped again. It then takes some time to attack the left side panel. Lots of sparks, but no more torn pieces.

Surgeon General moves to the rear right corner of HexaDecimator. One hit breaks the two panels and ruptures what appears to be a CO₂ tank (lots of gas quickly coming out of HexaDecimator).

HexaDecimator can do nothing but move its right wheels now. Surgeon General spins down and returns to its square. Team Loki starts a riot on the driving platform. HexaDecimator is counted out.

Both teams are interviewed. Wow, both Arj and Brad appear during the same half-hour.

Commercials. Chili's -- a grill and bar named after a soup dish.

Carmen narrates the history of Hazard. We even get to see some clips from season one. Of course, there's only eight seconds' worth and they're from three different fights, but still.

Okay, everybody's going on about how a third victory would be unprecedented. Not quite -- with Ziggo's victory in this tournament, it's won three times. Here's a real record for you -- only two robots are undefeated. One is Son of Smashy, which only has five victories and was retired in 1999. At this point, Hazard has fought 13 fights without being defeated. In addition to being the only unretired undefeated robot, it's tied for the record for the longest winning streak (Vlad the Impaler also has gone 13 fights without being defeated). So if it wins this fight, it'll still have a very impressive record on its hands. Or spinning blade, whatever.

Here we go, Hazard versus Complete Control. The oddsmakers favor Hazard, as Complete Control has a clamping arm prone to being flung by Hazard's blade, as well some of the thinnest armor in the middleweights. A complex grabbing robot is not what you want to fight a spinner with.

Tim says, "Now it's time to leave it all in the box." Foreshadowing?

As Complete Control is introduced, it's facing the BattleBox wall. Looks like the strategy is to go at Hazard with the back wedge, which is actually made of metal. Always a good idea to announce your strategy before the fight begins.

Box? Locked. Lights? On. It's robot fightin' time.

Driving backward is difficult, since you do most of your practice going forward. And either Complete Control is demonstrating this, or else Derek Young is trying to confuse Hazard by driving in random directions.

Complete Control's behind drives into the side of Hazard. White titanium sparks are produced. Complete Control tries to push, but can't. Hazard tries to turn to push, but can't. Hazard backs off.

Hazard aims for the side of Complete Control, but Complete Control only gives it the corner (where the titanium and Lexan meet). Nothing torn off yet.

Hazard runs its wedge into a spinner. Almost uproots it. Aw.

Complete Control pushes its rear into Hazard again, but it's the front of Hazard. Hazard easily wins the pushing match and shoves Complete Control into the spike strip next to an entrance ramp, making sparks on the titanium all the while.

It looks like Hazard has Complete Control high-centered (Complete Control has very low ground clearance) on the wedge, as Hazard is driving backward and taking Complete Control with it. Hazard turns so it can get Complete Control off. As Hazard gets out from underneath, the blade tears the titanium panel off. This is the point where Complete Control's life starts flashing before its eyes.

Well, plan B is to attack Hazard with the front of the bot somehow. A small metal panel in the front is torn off.

Complete Control tries to get under Hazard. The forks do this quite well, but they also push Hazard's blade high enough to start chewing on the tender clamping arm. A few hits, then Hazard drives off. The clamping arm is now limp and dangling, and Complete Control's body is smoking furiously.

Complete Control stops moving, which means that it's time for Hazard to begin the dissection. Wham! The left side armor goes flying! Wham! The right side armor goes flying and the CO₂ tank is ruptured! Wham! Wham!

Hazard goes to the center of the box and dances. The clamping arm on Complete Control is lowered. You mean it's actually still working?!

The countdown begins. Complete Control tries to move, but all it can do is flinch. Complete Control is out, and Hazard now has the longest undefeated streak in BattleBots history.

To fill time, here's a segment about how winners celebrate with their giant nuts. What seemed like it was going to be an incredibly dull segment actually turns out to be entertaining, as we get to see still photos of various champions using their trophies in humorous and clever ways.

Here's a commercial break. There is nothing humorous or clever about the commercials.

The fourth segment of each half hour is almost always pointless. And this is no exception. Remember that "Name the eBay bot" thing we heard about a few weeks ago? Well, they announce their five favorite entries. Sadly, my suggestion of "Uninteresting Gimmick" did not make the cut.

Did they pick a name? Yes, but they won't be telling us until later in the hour. I'm sure we'll all be glued to our seats for that.

Interview, where we all have several more laffs over the "joke" we can make with Complete Control's name. Whoo, that one never gets old. Especially not after we've heard it four or five times in this episode alone.

Then Tony Buchignani accepts his third championship nut. He runs in, picks it up, and walks around to show everybody. Wait, I did not just see a builder that competes in the heavyweight bracket standing in the box. If they just spoiled who wins the heavyweight finals, so help me...

Then the ol' "BattleBots Update." If it's a recap of what we've just seen, can they honestly call it an "Update"? And they're really overusing the word "unprecedented" now.

Second half beginning. All's we got left are heavyweights.

Tim Green finally admits that he's a robot.

Carmen is pretending she has friends in the audience.

The first heavyweight semifinal they'll be airing pits Surgeon General against OverKill. After facing MechaVore and M.O.E., OverKill is starting to look pretty banged-up. Let's see if Surgeon General can put it out of its misery.

Tim says that OverKill has already defeated three horizontal spinners. I challenge!

(looks up the event report at robotcombat.com)

I win! Greenspan, the first opponent OverKill defeated at this tourney, is a vertical spinner. Tim must take his tiles off the board and score a zero for this round!

You can hear the sadness in Tim's voice as he says that it's robot fightin' time.

Surgeon General spins up and moves toward the center. OverKill chooses to travel along the side of the box, keeping very far away from Surgeon General. Surgeon General gives chase.

OverKill is trying to wedge under Surgeon General from the back, but can't do it. At least 20 seconds elapse while the two robots make no contact with one another (which is surprising, given that gigantic blade hanging off the back of OverKill). Finally, Surgeon General connects with one of OverKill's wheels. OverKill responds by swinging the blade onto a screw.

Another hit by Surgeon General. OverKill's wheel ain't lookin' too good. Another hit.

OverKill drives toward the wall, then backs over the saws, landing on Surgeon General.

OverKill looks pretty desperate as it tries to spin in one place. Surgeon General's disk is still spinning.

OverKill drives over the corner of Surgeon General and flips upside-down. Another hit to a wheel on OverKill.

OverKill swings its blade into Surgeon General. It hits the disk. The disk breaks through the center of the blade, but the blade stops the disk from spinning. That was OverKill's strategy the whole time, wasn't it? Use the blade to stall and break the spinner. Sadly, I think that's the most effective use the blade has ever had.

OverKill drives over some saws, but Surgeon General follows, its disk caught in the blade. Surgeon General detaches. OverKill drives into the saw again.

Surgeon General isn't moving now. OverKill shoves it back onto its square, then goes back to the blue square to spin. Surgeon General is counted out.

OverKill is going to the finals. Maybe that picture we saw of Christian Carlberg's shrine of candles, giant nuts, and a picture of Trey Roski is real.

Put down your popcorn, because they're about to announce which name they chose for the robot the show bought off eBay. Ready? Oh, I can't wait!

"Evil Cheese Wedge"? That's not funny. Or particularly clever. Well, maybe after another robot tears a few holes in it, it'll look like a piece of Swiss cheese. (Speaking of unfunny and not particularly clever...)

Before going to commercial, we see Brad Wollack talking to various builders, asking them insightful, probing questions about their minds and personalities. Okay, he's just ripping off "Inside the Actor's Studio." Derek Young can't bring himself to play along. Sean Irvin doesn't like stupid people.

Before we get to see the other heavyweight semifinal (we know how it's going to turn out, so there's no great anticipation), it's time for another useless, totally-unrelated-to-BattleBots segment. An FBI profiler pretends to identify Donald Hutson as a madman because of his dedication to building fighting robots. Um, ha ha?

Okay, BioHazard and Tazbot will duke it out for a shot at the finals. As you may recall, these two met last season, with BioHazard emerging victorious. And BioHazard defeated Tazbot at the 1999 tournament at Long Beach. Hmmm...

The box is locked, the lights are on, it's foregone conclusion time. The two robots crash in the center of the box, and BioHazard jumps off the floor. Tazbot pushes the side of BioHazard. When it slips off, Tazbot heads under a hammer and takes a hit.

BioHazard drives under Tazbot, doesn't have time to lift the arm. Tazbot tries to get under BioHazard, but can't position itself. BioHazard goes under Tazbot for a couple of seconds again.

Tazbot backs off, then charges for BioHazard's front. However, Tazbot drives over BioHazard, and BioHazard instantly raises the arm. Tazbot is not quite flipped over.

BioHazard slams into Tazbot again. Tazbot had attached a small extended "foot" to the front of the body that hopefully would slide under BioHazard's skirts. It's broken off in this collision. BioHazard pushes Tazbot, but when BioHazard tries to lift, Tazbot slides off.

Some driving, and both bots take saw damage. BioHazard tries to lift Tazbot a couple more times, but can't get a grip.

More maneuvering. Not much in the way of action.

One of BioHazard's attempts to lift Tazbot. While the arm is up, Tazbot gets its arm positioned between BioHazard's arm and body. Tazbot is trying to raise its arm so BioHazard's will break off. But BioHazard's arm is stronger than that, so Tazbot is forced to slip away.

Immediately after, Tazbot drives onto BioHazard and high-centers itself. So BioHazard gives Tazbot a piggyback ride over to a nearby hammer. Pete has no depth perception, though, so the first hammer blow knocks Tazbot off and lands on BioHazard instead. BioHazard takes a second hit before escaping.

Another attempt by BioHazard to lift. No dice.

Ditto. Ditto.

BioHazard drives face-first into a saw. There's some kind of a pushing match, but BioHazard is holding its own, not budging. Tazbot runs away. Then it charges across the floor, hoping to get its tail under BioHazard. But it just bounces off.

BioHazard quits moving for no good reason. Tazbot high-centers itself on BioHazard's side. BioHazard tests the arm, then starts moving again.

The two drive a bit. BioHazard is not moving as well. With only a few seconds left, it stops again. Tazbot gets that front foot on top of BioHazard again, lifting both wheels off the ground once more. The fight ends with BioHazard testing its arm and Tazbot swinging its head around to try to break free.

It's another 24-21 decision. The winner is -- you guessed it -- BioHazard.

Carmen tells Carlo, "You've been in the finals every season." Really? Which robot did he drive during season one -- Vlad the Impaler or Voltarc?

Commercials. The suspense is, um, probably somewhere.

If you were wondering what happened to Stealth Terminator and Jabberwock in this tournament, they were both defeated by BioHazard. If you were wondering what happened to BioHazard in season three, we're told that, too.

But now it's time for BioHazard to fight OverKill for the championship. This is another match-up that also took place last season. At least this time, OverKill doesn't have its blade locked down.

And yes, the captain of one of these teams was the one that could be seen when Tony Buchignani was celebrating earlier in the show.

For the last time this season, it's robot fightin' time. OverKill and BioHazard drive straight out. Right before they meet, BioHazard turns, presenting its corner to OverKill. OverKill ramps over the corner and nearly flips over.

While OverKill swings its blade, BioHazard drives up to it, lifts the arm, and heads toward the wall, tipping OverKill onto its side. OverKill lands right side up and drives back. It hits the back of BioHazard once with the blade.

One or two hits to BioHazard from OverKill. No damage, of course. Neither robot is having much luck getting hold of the other. BioHazard has its skirt lifted by a saw.

OverKill ramps off some saws, into BioHazard. It goes over the corner of BioHazard and flips upside-down. The blade isn't swinging all the way in this position, so OverKill drives over the spike strip to flip itself back over. After it does this, OverKill tries to drive away. But one of the big holes in the blade has gotten caught on a spike on the spike strip. OverKill is stuck!

BioHazard comes over and starts pushing on OverKill. The blade is bending... bending... but it just slides off the spike. OverKill is upside-down. BioHazard pushes it toward the center of the arena and flips it back over.

Look at BioHazard, though. When the lifting arm went to retract into the body, it began to stutter. And now it's sticking out a bit.

OverKill starts going crazy with the blade. That doesn't do much. It then drives over BioHazard. BioHazard's arm is still sticking out.

OverKill keeps the blade going. BioHazard drives into OverKill, flipping it. BioHazard kind of pushes OverKill a bit.

Some driving. BioHazard drives into OverKill's wedge, but turns out of the way before the blade swings over.

More driving. BioHazard somehow manages to have a front skirt flip up and get stuck that way, so it doesn't flip back down. OverKill drives onto a saw.

The fight is winding down. BioHazard's arm is still seemingly stuck. The front skirt falls back down.

OverKill drives onto BioHazard, and BioHazard gets OverKill to land on a saw.

Two two try to push the other, but neither gains an advantage by the time the buzzer sounds. Close fight.

The final decision is 27-18. When Mark Beiro says, "for the new heavyweight champion of the world," Christian Carlberg's teammates get excited. When Mark Beiro says, "BioHazard," Carlo Bertocchini gets excited. BioHazard has its title back.

Tim promises us random stuff after the break. But first, more of "Inside the Builder's Studio." Derek Young still can't play along. He correctly identifies the segment as "ridiculous."

After the commercial, we get the traditional end-of-season random clip show. Lots of shots from fights we've seen, with many many sounds of Bil and Tim yelling.

Then Carlo receives yet another giant nut. For the record, it was Christian Carlberg that you could see in the box when Tony Buchignani was given his. I guess they also present the smaller nuts to the runners-up, but Comedy Central doesn't show it. Guess the second place finishers will have to take their thousands of dollars and suck it up.

And that wraps up this season of "BattleBots." Four long-time vets won this time around. What will happen next season? Well, here are some predictions...

Backlash will go all the way to the finals. However, Comedy Central will continue to hold its irrational grudge against the robot and again refuse to show any of its fights. After showing the other lightweight semifinal, they'll make no further mention of the division. During a later episode, when Bil innocently asks, "Hey, what happened to the lightweight finals?" Tim will be forced by his operators to slap Bil across the face. Bil is knocked unconscious, but instantly comes to when a crew member utters the words, "Slam Cam."

There will be another close judges' decision in the heavyweight finals. In an effort to boost ratings, the final tally will not be revealed until the final episode, during the live "BattleBots Reunion" show. On it, Mark Beiro will slowly tally the judges' votes to announce the winner, then all of the 500 competitors will reminisce about those grueling days on Treasure Island.

There will be an exhibition match between ChinKilla and a dummy robot named "Mr. Gillalot." Not that anybody's bitter.

Mr. Gillalot will win.

In an effort to keep itself from flipping over, Mauler will bolt itself to the floor before the fight begins. The audience gives the robot a standing ovation when it takes two of the floor panels with it as it again jumps onto its back, like a buttered piece of bread.

After winning its third giant nut in a row, Hazard will become a roving BattleBox hazard for the sixth season. The middleweight rumbles of that season will be cancelled due to a lack of functioning competitors.

A new rule will be introduced -- if after two minutes there is no winner, during the remaining minute of the fight, the BattleBox will fill with water. In an astounding upset, Hexy Jr. loses its fight with Mouser Super Ultra Mega Catbot because the inverted Mouser is able to float.

While fighting a rookie wedgebot, Vladiator will charge directly at its opponent. It will ramp up the wedge, flying twenty feet through the air before its spike embeds itself in the Lexan wall.

A parachutist floats into the BattleBox during a fight. His legs are torn off by Son of Whyachi as it bounces along the floor. This isn't because Son of Whyachi is in that particular fight, though -- it just bounded into the box after going out of control in the testing area.

See you next season!

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