Bad Poetry

Date Written: 4~19~96

Remembrance

Pressed up against your form, you held me tight and kept me warm. As a man you weren't free. you and I, we could not be.

At this time, what do I do? All there are are thoughts of you. I tell myself to quit the crying. Without you, inside I'm dying.

You held me close, never once loosen your grip. All things must end. It was only a two day trip.

Is it really over? Have my fears come true? It can't be over, I won't forget. I have my thoughts of you.

Date Written: 8~25~97

Angel

He stands with me, by my side. He is my devil, though he's in disguise.

His halo keeps slipping. It's almost to the floor. He keeps up this act. I'm not sure I can take it anymore.

His wings are all crooked, they can't be pressed into shape. His looks are decieving, it's because of his angel face.

They think he'll hurt me, but opinions are decieving as well. Deep down, I know it's true, but despite all this, for him I fell.

Date Written: Good ?

Did You?

You, you were my obsession. And you were also my regression into this sorry state of mind. You, you never took notice, but now you'll take notice because I have this knife.

Red blood, sweet blood, sweet, nuturing, life fulfilling blood. My blood, bad blood, no more, it drips to the floor.

My spirit's dead, I'm dying. People will cry, I'm crying for you.

You'll never know how much I loved you. You never wanted to know.

I sit here waiting, now death's at the door. It's all because you didn't want me anymore.

You'll have to live with me the rest of your life. The death of me. My memory.

You took me for granted... always for granted... or did you? I guess, like me, it doesn't matter anymore.

Fall From Grace

1st Date Written: 10~24~96

Being with you, it was the highest point of my life. I never had to be perfect. There was a whole lot less strife.

I wanted to spend all my time with you, to never let you go. All the words I say are true. I couldn't find the words to let you know.

I didn't want to give up what we had. I didn't think it could be this bad. Now I just feel out of place, from my fall from grace.

2nd Date Written: 1~22~97

And here I am again, falling to the floor. I don't think I'll ever learn. I always crawl back up for more.

I thought you were the one. Was I so wrong? But I shouldn't be the sad one. I'm surprized we even lasted that long.

All was great, that is, till your change of face. After that, I once more fell from grace.

3rd Date Written: 9~12~97

There are three tries, in this game we play. I'm now two strikes down. I don't think things will be okay.

Now that I have met you, I just gave up my third chance. I love to be around you. You put me under your trance.

I'll do all I can for you. Anything you ask for, I will give to you. I need you. I love you.

I hope you are the cloud that will rise me to that place. Then never again will I have to fall from grace.

Someone please catch me, if I ever again, fall from grace.

Date Written: 7~02~98

Wait

Why does this always happen? Don't think I'll ever know. But still I run back to you. And nothing is all I have to show.

I lie hear waiting, waiting for something that will not be. It will never be just you and me.

All I do is wish on dying stars. My dreams will not come true. I'll just lie here waiting, always waiting for you.

I don't know how to make you stay. The three words I long to say, three words you'll never hear, they will just frighten you away.

I'll lie here forever waiting. Don't think you'll ever show. I realize I never truely knew you, but your love was all I wanted to know.

Date Written: 7~7~98

All You Said

You were always sweet to me, but then I made you mad. You said you would be there for me. Now your not and I am sad.

You said you'd never hurt me. You knew that never is a promise. Your promises were empty. All you wanted was my kiss.

You said that I could trust you. You said you wouldn't lie. And so I said I love you. All you said was goodbye.

Date Written: 3~01

So Tonight That You Might See

Is it wrong for me to think of you constantly? I can't seem to get you off my mind. How you make me smile. How you make me dream. How you leave me breathless. How you make me scream and writhe in pleasure and pain. How you make me nervous. How you make me scared that you could take all this ecstasy you give me and rip it away suddenly. I want to tell you how you make me feel. I want to let you know what you do to me. But behind my wants is the fear change. Will I ever work up the nerve? I don't think I can say. I write this to you now, so tonight that you might see the possibility of you and me.

Date Written: 3~01

Satisfy Yourself

Funny how a single touch can set me off. I never know when it will come or go. Odd how the nightmares of my past will forever be my present. I want to cry, to hide. So many things wrong with me now from the one time you were in the wrong. But you do not see my pain. You only gave it. So young and innocent but with no effort you ripped that all away and replaced it with your wretched gift of eternal internal torture.

Take what you want to please you. No thought of consequence. Scars on someone else's life are nothing to you. All this time I waste away. For you it's just another day you fucked me to satisfy yourself.

You were my best friend. I trusted you with everything. You found some fun. I tagged along. Overpowered, sick, and barely conscious, you left me alone. They suppressed and undressed me and I had to let them. I could not fight as hard as I tried. The blackness consumed me. I think I called your name. You did not save me. Home and safe I confided in you, blood still matting my hair. So sad and angry for me, but it was just a game. For months I cried, so scared whenever by myself. I've never been the same.

I'll never know what precisely occurred that dreaded night. The fear will never leave. It hurts more though that you would not believe me. You made up your mind. You decided I wanted it all. How you can be so naīve, or was that me? For you would fuck him and leave me alone all over again.

Date Written: 5~13~01

Lost

I just can't seem to understand what you did to draw me in. I close my eyes and see your face. It haunts me in this hell I live in. I can't escape your grasp, no matter what I try to do. I bury my thoughts in something else but they always turn back to you. All the things we've talked about, they stay on my mind. It drives me crazy that you're gone, because you're all I wanted to find. Some how I've screwed things up again. I never seem to get things right. And so it falls apart because I can't control my fright. I'm sorry if I caused you pain. I didn't want do so. But that will never compare to the pain I feel for having to let you go.

Date Written: 10~16~00

I Am Not Beautiful

I am not sparkling, nor am I charasmatic, nor am I smart, nor am I bright and shining. I am not funny, nor am I magical, nor am I talented, nor do I have a silver lining. All of things I am not, perhaps I just don't see what you see. For I am not beautiful, but because of you, all those things I believe I am not, I really must be. Because I see, that you, bring out the best in me.

Date Written: 5~23~01

Curse Of The Weak

Careening through the chasm of my mind, laying naked on my back doing what is told to me. The tears I dare not show run inside my eyes. They hold such terror and unknowing. They feed my chaotic delusions. So insecure I dive into my own destruction. Such is the curse of the weak. Nothing good can come of me, nothing good can happen. Everything I touch I ruin. And this is what I believe. The ugliness and hatred that occupy. I cannot be convinced otherwise. The truth is always in the mirror.

You take me in and I want it more. However distant you can be, I do not see. Wanting so much just to be loved. To experience something never tasted. I ache and long for it. I see it where it does not exist. How perfect I view you...How imperfect you are. How you inspire me. You are my muse. But an angel's soul does not reside. It is only an angel's face that surrounds a devil's grin. And I have been drawn in. Dieing ever more a little death, each and every time I take in your breath. A sweeter addiction it is not known. A path to your heaven is a path to my hell. The withdrawal that eats away, the risk the kills me further. And it leaves me broken...but that is a lie. To break what was already broken, it does nothing but hinders the chance of being fixed. Fixed...that word has no meaning. It cannot be done. The only thing left is to throw it away.

I am already dead. The ghost of me remains. It haunts my body and keeps me going. All you see is a shell. Awake the sleeping beauty inside. Push through the bed of thorns to see the real me. But who would put forth the effort? Who would take the time?

Date Written: 1~17~02

Smother

Everyone so oblivious to me Not caring to know Not wanting to feel Or am I so closed off Do I not see myself Ignorance is innocence Pessimism creates pestilence Delusion has escaped my eyes Can't catch this fugitive mirage I've seen the truth in real time Typed across the screen Told behind backs Naivety had encased me Broke free & left with nothing To return is impossible I am incapable To learn, to love Can't do right tonight But I can't say a word I shut my mouth Pretend I'm immune to the pain Can't see the suffering Because you look right through me I never said I was perfect But would you care to listen

Date Written: 4~19~02

Anyone At All

drawn out greetings that awkward stare a moment of silence we hinder here laugh and converse the thought comes to mind of friends that were lovers and what we left behind I don't like how she treats you but I say nothing at all it's none of my business your lips touch hers now I remember that kiss but she's the one that lays beside you I haven't the right to complain could it be jealousy after all this time or are my thoughts genuine seeing you creates a cloud of confusion I used to love your smile now I find it so sad your pleasure is for her now that smile was once for me I laugh at myself this is lunicy I don't think I want you I know I don't want to be with you again the only reason I can come up with is this curse of being lonely.

Date Written: 4~19~02

Teeter

searching for something I cannot see there is nothing here but you oggling the broken shell that is me pick me up and hold me close kiss my lips caress my cheek fake your concern listening intently for anything I could scream in your ear still you would not hear me What am I? Your special toy Just your little whore Keep a secret I'll give you a taste The foul stench of failure as you sneak away I can't keep you I can't explain it I inject myself into this cursing my mentality beating it into me love me a minute I'm so gracious a night a week I call you my own that is my delusion I am the one in your grasp pinned under your claws I ache for release but I always give in I only scream louder and louder and still you will not hear

An Article I Wrote When I Worked at the Newspaper