APRIL 1999:

SHIVERING WITH ANTICI...........PATION

Seems like summer gets here earlier every year. In the film business summer seems to start as soon as all the studio folks get back from Sundance. Well, at least that's when the summer buzz begins anyway. And this summer's films have created more buzz than Oliver Stone's personal physician. Let's see, what have we got... the last film made by one of the greatest filmmakers who ever lived... a sequel to one of the silliest comedies of the past few years... an independent horror film which has apparently scared the living crap out of everyone who's seen it... a sci-fi cyber-thriller... Will Smith in another big adaptation of a 60's TV show... and oh yeah, the latest film in a series that's been dead for over 15 years. So what're we waiting for? Let's take a gander at the movies that are looking to snatch away our entertainment dollar this summer...

STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE: Let's get it out of the way right up front, okay? This is the film that it seems everyone wants to see. But the question remains, once we get past the geekazoid factor (those wide-eyed fanatics with the vacant stares who began lining up in front of theatres the day they heard this movie was being made), will the film be any good? And the answer is... what does it matter? This movie is gonna suck in so much money it's going to make TITANIC look like THE POSTMAN. It won't even matter that the film's title makes it sound like a BATMAN cartoon. It's great to see George Lucas himself actually return to the directing reins to kick off this latest trilogy, and God knows he snagged a good cast (who wouldn't want to be in a STAR WARS movie - criminy, the profit participation alone...). But! Will it be any good?

I sure hope so. I was a teenager when the first film came out, and as such it's been a large part of my own mythology since I was 16. Let me weigh the positives and negatives...

Positive: Lucas has had over 15 years to fine tune his script.

Negative: Lucas has had over 15 years to dick with his script.

Positive: Special effects technology has progressed by leaps and bounds since the first trilogy.

Negative: The only film of the first three which relied on special effects over story and characters was RETURN OF THE JEDI, which sucked.

Positive: No Ewoks!

Negative: No Ewok massacre sequence.

Positive: It'll make those of us who saw the films when they were originally released re-live a part of our youth.

Negative: The part of our youth we'll be re-living is the part where we stood in line for six hours to see a frickin' movie.

Hmmm... I dunno. I want it to be good. I want to be swept to a galaxy far, far away just like when I was a kid. I want to see it on a big huge motherf*cking screen with a killer sound system while I scarf down a tub of popcorn and slurp a kidney-buster soda and I want to love it. Which means I'm just like most everyone else out there. I guess I'm more excited about it than I thought. Bitchin'.

Cool! I didn't know Obi-Wan Kenobi was a heroin addict!
I can't wait until he drops his suppository into the Sarlac and
has to dive in after it!

AUSTIN POWERS 2: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME: I've actually had a look at the script to this film. Now, I really enjoyed the first AUSTIN POWERS because it had such an audacious concept (a spoof of 60's spy movies - not exactly what the prime demographic moviegoer was asking for), and was so unashamedly silly. The problem is, sequels to goofy comedies tend to be significantly less fun than the original, because you're no longer surprised and swept away by the freshness of the concept and humor. Well my friends, I am happy to report that, if the script I read is any indication, AUSTIN POWERS 2 will be every bit as funny as the original. The screenplay is enjoyable in much the same way that the original was - all the stuff with Austin Powers is really funny... but the stuff with Dr. Evil, his nemesis, is hilarious. I'm not going to go into the plot here, other than to say that Dr. Evil manages to steal Austin's mojo, rendering him powerless, and forcing Austin to time travel back to the 60's to retrieve it. Besides, it's not the plot that matters here, it's the jokes. And the jokes are great. The style of humor is thankfully unchanged, and with Mike Meyers improvising on the set I'm sure things will get even wilder. As the original film found most of its audience after it was released on video (I remember sitting in a theatre full of bewildered moviegoers a few days after its release, and I was the only one laughing - no one else knew quite what to make of it), I think the sequel will surpass the original in terms of business, and maybe even creatively as well.

Student filmmakers go into the woods in search of the
legend of an evil witch. Wanna know how scary this film is?
The student filmmakers aren't the most terrifying thing in it!

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: An independent film that surprised those at Sundance by not only being the first horror film ever accepted to play the festival, but by being absolutely terrifying and completely original as well. The detailed and ingenious mythology created around this film states that three student filmmakers ventured into the Maryland woods in October of 1994 to film a documentary on the legend of the 'Blair Witch', and were never seen again. A year later their film, videotapes and a journal were found buried beneath a cabin in those same woods. And this movie is the edited version of that material, cut to document what happened to the three unlucky students. Now, forget the quality of the film for a sec... is that the smartest concept for a low-budget spook film, or what? Many filmmakers, when just starting out, make mock documentaries because they can be done cheaply, and the technical quality of the film doesn't have to be up to some high, glossy standard (TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, THIS IS SPINAL TAP, ...AND GOD SPOKE, etc.). But this film takes that concept a step further. It's less documentary than document. And as such is much more involving, which serves to make it much more grueling. And all at a reasonable price!

As I understand it, the filmmakers gave their actors 16mm and Hi8 video cameras and sent them out in the woods for 8 days. By themselves. They were given enough provisions and battery power to make it from checkpoint to checkpoint, where they would find written instructions from their directors regarding the events which were to take place. Again, how smart is this? Those involved in the making of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE credit the sheer unpleasantness of the hellish shoot with adding a layer of true horror to the already terrifying subject matter. The actors, director and technicians were forced to endure pain and filth and stench and degradation, and it all showed up on that screen. It seems THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT benefited from the actors being stuck in the woods for a week in much the same way. They were dirty, cold, hungry, tired, and fuses started to shorten - all of which apparently shows up on screen, giving the film a rawness and believability that it might not otherwise have had. I've been reading a lot about this film ever since it sold at Sundance, and I have yet to hear anyone say it isn't one of the most frightening movies they've ever seen. When comparing it to other films, moviegoers haven't likened it to all the recent SCREAM-clones out there on the market, but rather with classics of the genre like HALLOWEEN, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE SHINING and THE EXORCIST. As a true horror film fan, this is music to my ears. I'll be there opening night, ready to get the snot scared out of me. (A side note, the guys at Haxan films - the makers of BLAIR WITCH - have a terrific website at http://www.haxan.com which contains all sorts of creepy goodies like a history of the Blair Witch myth, and the journal of one of the lost students. It's wonderfully spooky stuff which I hope they turn into a book. And even better, they seem like pretty nice, down-to-earth guys. Check it out.)

EYES WIDE SHUT: Science fiction geeks the world over mourn the loss of Stanley Kubrick, and curse the day he decided to make this erotic psychodrama before A.I., his long-awaited sci-fi opus. I guess they'd rather see special effects than sex... maybe because to most of them a trip into space seems somewhat achievable. (Okay, it was an easy shot, but... I don't care.) Any time Kubrick released a film was cause for excitement among moviegoers, but now that EYES WIDE SHUT is officially his last, the anticipation has risen more than Ron Jeremy on Viagra. As you can see in the still below, the film seems to have that classically cold Kubrick look, and promises to show more of its stars than... well, let's just put it this way - there are going to be a lot of videotapes of ALL THE RIGHT MOVES rendered obsolete after this film is released. No more clumsy freeze frames to see Tom's unit, nuh-uh. At least that's the rumor. It's been reported that shortly before his death Kurbrick called EYES WIDE SHUT his best film. Just imagine for a moment that it is. Better than LOLITA. Better than PATHS OF GLORY. Better than DR. STRANGELOVE, FULL METAL JACKET, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, BARRY LYNDON or A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. Just imagine it. Okay, now stop imagining it. Right now. Because odds are it's not his best film ever. And if that's the only criteria we're going to have to judge it by, we'll never be satisfied no matter how good a film it turns out to be. Judge it as its own film - history will judge where it falls into Kubrick's body of work. Enjoy it for what it is: the last time we'll ever get to see a new film from one of the absolute masters of the medium. I know I'll miss Stanley. Hopefully EYES WIDE SHUT will make me miss him even more.

Gee, this film looks like it may have something for everyone.
The last work of a great director, and more importantly,
major movie star nookie!

INSPECTOR GADGET: I've seen the trailer for this film. "Go-go Gadget gouge my eyes out!!!"

THE MATRIX: Oh thank God, another thriller which takes place within a computer. Here's a clue - these films? They never, ever work! From TRON to VIRTUOSITY, these films exist as an excuse for stylish, trendy graphics that push whatever the current envelope of special effects technology is, and then completely suck on every other level. Judging from the word of mouth I've started to hear on THE MATRIX, the trend continues. Which is too bad, really, because the film was directed by Larry and Andy Warchowski, the brothers who made the edgy thriller BOUND. That film had a lot of style, a lot of humor, and was fresh and fun. THE MATRIX has neat graphics and... and... Keanu Reeves. So the excitement of one will be totally negated by the woodenness of the other, I'm guessing. The studio wants you to get all excited about this film based on the effects and the fact that it's Keanu's first real action film since SPEED. What they don't want you to think about is that it's Keanu's first sci-fi flick since JOHNNY MNEMONIC. To be fair, I actually think Keanu Reeves has given some good performances... in comedies. In comedy his flat, kinda bland readings can be used to good effect. Unfortunately, everywhere else they're just flat and bland. So if you like great graphics and that's all that matters to you, run, don't walk, to see THE MATRIX. Or stay at home at play a computer game. Probably pretty much the same experience. Except at home the Cokes don't cost $15.

Wait a sec - this is a production sketch from THE WILD, WILD WEST...
but wasn't the big spider thing from an old JOHNNY QUEST cartoon?
Too many 60's references, I have to go lie down...

THE WILD, WILD WEST: I have an idea for a film! Ready? MATCH GAME - THE MOVIE. No? How about JOKER'S WILD 2000? Not that either? Okay, here's a sure bet - I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING. See, it's a full-length musical based on that old Coke commercial from the 70's. Can't miss! Oh, wait a sec, you think I'm kidding. Well... I am. But this is where the future of movies seems to be going. Because sooner or later they're gonna run out of old movies and TV shows to update, and that's when things are really gonna get bleak. Best picture in the year 2010? I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING - the heartwarming story of an Italian immigrant family who open a restaurant in New York's Hell's Kitchen, only to find that their own food gives them indigestion. I'm not so sure I'm joking. (But what about THE WILD, WILD WEST, you say? Heck, I dunno. I like Will Smith. I like Kevin Kline. I like Barry Sonnenfeld. I liked the original show, even though it starred Robert Conrad. I guess it'll be fun. I will miss Michael Dunn, though. Opens July 4th weekend. Probably make a bundle. Who really cares?)

Obviously there will be more films barraging us from now through September. Stuff like TARZAN... THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER... SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, UNCUT... THE 13th WARRIOR... KILLING MRS. TINGLE... RANDOM HEARTS... FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME and more. But they're all gonna get killed by THE PHANTOM MENACE so why even bother with 'em? Naw, just joshin' ya. As I've said in past previews, hopefully 25% of these films will turn out to be watchable, and that'll make it a pretty okay summer. And the best part of it is that sometime in the next few months there'll be some film, lurking out there right now, that'll jump up and surprise us all by being good, and exciting, and totally unexpected. That's the film I'm waiting to see. That's the reason I love movies so much in the first place. That and the sticky theatre floors. Don't ask.