EXCHANGE STUDENT is a rewrite we did for Universal. The story concerns Eugene Gardner - a classic underachieving high school wise-ass - and Joe, the brilliant exchange student his parents sponsor in an attempt to straighten him out. Only one problem... Joe's an alien from Jupiter. Well, two problems... the science project he's working on will stop the Earth's rotation, destroying the planet. It's up to Eugene to save the world the only way he knows how: introduce Joe to the pleasures of goofing off so he'll forget all about his schoolwork. Hey, it's worked for Eugene all these years. Their sights are set on Vicky and Marcia, two seemingly untouchable girls who happen to have a secret or two of their own. As the story progresses, Eugene and Joe are found out and pursued by NASA goons (does NASA employ goons?) and Mr. Speck, a bitter, overzealous science teacher who'd like the credit for discovering an alien. And oh yeah, Joe can change shape at will, into any living creature.
EXT. GARDNER HOUSE - DAY
Eugene, Joe, Vicky and Marcia stand on the sidewalk in front of Eugene's house. They're in the middle of a serious conversation.
VICKY
You promise you're not here to eat us?JOE & MARCIA
Promise.Vicky sighs resignedly.
VICKY
Okay, I'll help. What do I have to do?JOE
I need you and Marcia to call my parents.EUGENE
Not on my phone. My parents would
never stop bitching about the bill.Joe shakes his head, explaining.
JOE
No - from the woods outside of town.
There's a clearing there, near a
playground...VICKY
How are we supposed to call them?Joe pulls the remote control for the Gardner's TV set from his pocket.
JOE
With this.EUGENE
Hey! No wonder my parents couldn't
find it. My dad about went nuts - way
to go, Joe!JOE
I had to make a few modifications.
Point this at Jupiter and press the
'power' button. That'll signal my
parents to come pick me up.
(shrugs to Marcia, embarrassed)
I get my license in six months...Kissing Joe on the cheek, Marcia takes the TV remote, the girls hurrying off. Eugene and Joe head up the front walk.
JOE
Let's hurry - I have to find my
science project.EUGENE
You took it to school...JOE
No I didn't... Are you sure?EUGENE
Positive.
(groans)
I hope my parents aren't home...Eugene opens the front door to reveal a NASA Guy in a zero-gravity suit towering over them.
EUGENE
(gulps)
Mom?CUT TO:
INT. GARDNER HOUSE - EUGENE'S ROOM - DAYTwo NASA Guys take apart Eugene's room, going through his closet and dresser drawers. One of the men turns to the other, pulling a 'Playboy' out from under the mattress.
INT. GARDNER HOUSE - JOE'S ROOM
Two different NASA Guys do the same to Joe's room - this time pulling a copy of 'Amphibian Monthly' from beneath Joe's mattress.
INT. GARDNER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Eugene and Joe sit on the couch while NASA Guys in zero-gravity suits check them out with various bizarre instruments.
EUGENE
Everybody give up? Her last words
were, "What's this button?".Eugene laughs heartily as the NASA Guys groan. One of them whispers to the other out of Eugene's earshot.
NASA GUY #2
If he's the alien, I get to dissect him.The other NASA Guy nods as the Superior Officer strides into the room.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
Any progress?NASA GUY #2
No, sir. They won't tell us which
one is which.The Superior Officer steps over to Eugene and Joe, sizing them up.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
I'm going to ask you boys one time -
has either of you seen the other do
anything out of the ordinary?A beat. Joe finally raises his hand.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
Yes, son?JOE
(cocks thumb at Eugene)
He can roll a quarter across his
knuckles.Eugene takes a quarter from his pocket and demonstrates. Unimpressed, the Superior Officer thinks a moment, lighting up a cigar. He turns to the NASA Guys.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
All right, then - if they won't
cooperate let's just cut them both
open and see what we can find...EUGENE
What? No way! I had my appendix
removed last year - you can have that...As the NASA Guys advance on the two boys, Joe tenses, beginning to MORPH. The NASA Guys back off as Joe's skin turns GREEN and SCALY. He glares at them hatefully, his voice a guttural growl.
JOE
That's enough. I've had it with you fuckers.Even Eugene is shocked as he watches Joe TRANSFORM - not into his usual, tentacled self, but into the HIDEOUS ALIEN MONSTER from the movie they saw on the double date. The change complete, he rises, all SNAPPING TEETH and RAZOR-SHARP TALONS. The NASA Guys stand frozen in terror, while the Superior Officer steps forward confidently.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
Let me handle this, boys.He holds up his right hand, giving the familiar five-tone hand gesture from 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. Grinning menacingly, Joe EXTENDS a clawed hand - FLIPPING the Superior Officer the bird. Before he can turn and run, Joe grabs the Superior Officer, who screams in terror as he is raised above the alien's head. Suddenly everyone STOPS, turning as the front door is thrown open and Eugene's parents step in.
MRS. GARDNER
(sing-songy)
We're home! Anything happen while
we were gone?Mr. and Mrs. Gardner freeze, staring at the scene in the living room in disbelief. Eugene waves, smiling weakly.
EUGENE
Hi, mom. Hi, dad.JOE/ALIEN MONSTER
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Gardner. How was
your trip?Taking advantage of the distraction, Joe THROWS the Superior Officer at the NASA Guys, KNOCKING them to the floor as he and Eugene bolt out the sliding glass door. Mr. Gardner turns to his wife, dazed.
MR. GARDNER
It's always such a relief to finally
get home...CUT TO:
EXT. GARDNER HOUSE - DAYEugene and Joe race around to the front of the house. Joe finishes MORPHING back into his human form as Eugene laughs.
EUGENE
That was so cool... But why'd you
change into the alien from that movie?
You could've scared them as yourself.Joe frowns, offended.
JOE
I'll have you know I'm considered
very attractive on my planet.Both boys look up as a police car turns the corner, heading toward them.
EUGENE
Uh-oh... Do something, Joe.The police car cruises slowly down the street, the officer glancing at Eugene, who moves casually down the sidewalk, walking a dog. A dog with Joe's voice.
JOE/DOG
Woof woof! Bark! Ruff ruff...
What else do dogs say?EUGENE
Sssssssh!The police car passes, Joe the dog speaking smugly as he and Eugene continue down the street.
JOE/DOG
Am I good, or what?EUGENE
Yeah - except most dogs don't
wear glasses.JOE/DOG
Nit picker.EUGENE
So how are we going to get the
black box back?JOE/DOG
Beats me - I don't even know where
I left it. I just hope no one tries
to activate it...Eugene looks down at Joe the dog worriedly.
EUGENE
Why? What would happen?JOE/DOG
If the planet stops too fast it'll
break apart. There'll be earthquakes
and tidal waves and then it'll kind
of disintegrate. But I don't think we
have anything to worry about...They look up as a CRACKLING fills the air. Turning, they watch as several riderless bikes, mailboxes and major appliances ROLL PAST them down the street. Eugene and Joe exchange concerned glances.
EUGENE
Wrong again, Fido.CUT TO:
EXT. WOODED FIELD - DAYVicky and Marcia stand in a clearing, Marcia pointing the TV remote to the sky, repeatedly pressing the 'power' button. She looks to Vicky, bored.
MARCIA
How long did Joe say I had to do
this? My arm's getting tired.Vicky scans the horizon hopefully.
VICKY
Not much longer. They should be here
any time... unless there's a snag.The wind suddenly KICKS UP, a RUMBLING sound surrounding them as the Earth begins to QUIVER under their feet. The swings on a nearby swingset RISE, until they are parallel to the ground, chains RIGID and MAGNETIZED.
MARCIA
Let me guess - there's been a snag...CUT TO:
INT. NASA VAN - DAYThe Superior Officer and two NASA Guys pile into the back of the van.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
(defensively)
I could have taken him - he just
caught me off guard, that's all.The sarcasm in the NASA Guys' voices is evident, even filtered through their helmets.
NASA GUYS #1 & 2
Yes, sir.The Superior Officer sneers at them, reading from a computer screen.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
The planet's rotation has slowed by
another three percent - and continues
to drop. There's also a major magnetic
disturbance, very close by.The van JOLTS, hitting a pothole. The Superior Officer looks up angrily.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
Damn it! Tell the driver to take
it easy!NASA GUY #2
(confused)
I'm the driver...All three men turn to find there is no one in the drivers seat. They look out the windshield to see that they're rolling down the street with other unmanned cars, all being pulled toward some powerful magnetic force.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAYEugene and Joe the dog dodge various magnetized metal objects as they zip past, following them to their destination. MORPHING back into human form, Joe grins happily as they move along the corridor.
JOE
This is so great! It seems that
all my calculations are correct.
(frowns)
There's just one thing I never
quite figured out...Eugene winces, sensing more trouble.
EUGENE
What's that?JOE
When the planet slows and stops,
will the thin layer of atmosphere
remain in place, or will it dissipate
into space?Eugene ducks as a mailbox flies past his head.
EUGENE
You never figured that out? Doesn't
that seem kind of important? I
thought you had a 3,000 I.Q.!JOE
(defensively)
So? It's not like I'm a genius
or anything...EUGENE
Great! You never told me on
Jupiter a 3,000 I.Q. means
they hold a telethon for you!They hurry to a classroom, where all the metal objects stick to the walls and door. Prying things away from the door, Eugene and Joe peer through the tiny window to see...
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM - THEIR POV
Mr. Speck stands at his desk, BANGING on the black box with a hammer. He barely notices that the air around him is MAGNETIZED, what little hair he has standing on end.
EXT. EUGENE AND JOE
look to one another grimly.
EUGENE
It's Speck!JOE
How did he get it?Eugene stammers sheepishly.
EUGENE
Uh, I kind of hid it under a
desk when you weren't looking.JOE
(irritated)
What'd you do that for?EUGENE
(equally irritated)
Oh, I don't know - maybe I didn't
want to see the Earth destroyed.
Silly me!Joe gives him an angry look as we...
CUT TO:
EXT. LARGE CITY - SAME TIMEAn EARTHQUAKE hits a large metropolitan area - people racing into the streets as windows SHATTER, bricks and stucco CRUMBLING from buildings.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIMEEugene and Joe continue to talk, each getting angrier by the minute.
JOE
All you think about is yourself,
Eugene. You don't even care if I
fail! You're the most selfish human
I've met.EUGENE
You're gonna destroy the planet
and I'm selfish? Didn't you
say spit was money on your planet?JOE
Yeah...EUGENE
Here's a hundred dollars!Eugene spits at Joe, who is repulsed.
JOE
Aaaaugh! You boner! Here's your
change!Joe spits back as Eugene tries to dodge it.
CUT TO:
EXT. OCEAN - SAME TIMEAs the planet continues to slow, a TIDAL WAVE looms up in the ocean, heading for land.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIMEThe spit fight escalates.
EUGENE
Here's for always asking stupid
questions - Ptew!JOE
(ducking)
Here's for always giving stupid
answers - Tooey!EUGENE
I'm hit! Ooooh, you're gonna
get it now!Eugene makes a hawking sound, loosening one up.
CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - SAME TIMEThe ground RUMBLING, cracks and FISSURES open in the street, swallowing cars and uprooting trees and lampposts as people run in terror.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIMEEugene and Joe circle one another warily, both making hawking sounds.
EUGENE
You're mine, now...JOE
Oh yeah?Joe stops, a huge lump RISING up through his chest and EXPANDING his throat like a frog. Eugene winces, trying to shield himself with his hands.
EUGENE
Give! Give!The Earth begins to TREMBLE, bricks falling from the school buildings. They stop fighting, Joe swallowing with a loud GULP. Remembering why they're here, Joe looks to Eugene urgently.
JOE
Wait a sec - we still have to
get the box back! Truce?EUGENE
(nods tentatively)
Truce.JOE
So what do we do? Should I
change into the monster again?EUGENE
No. Speck's not going to miss his
second shot at an actual alien.
He'd try to get you to write a book
with him or something. We've got to
think - what's the one thing a science
geek like Speck would be most afraid of?CUT TO:
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM - DAYMr. Speck has abandoned the hammer, now trying to open the black box with a can opener. He doesn't look up as he hears the door opening, calling out irritably.
MR. SPECK
Classes are canceled. Go home and...He glances up, voice trailing off when he sees a beautiful, well-toned Hawaiian girl wearing a tight leotard standing in the doorway. Mr. Speck freezes, an expression of terror and uncertainty on his face.
MR. SPECK
(voice cracking)
Oh my God - you're Kiana from
'Body Shaping'...The woman steps toward Speck, all pouty lips and helpless looks. Everything is perfect until she opens her mouth - when we hear Joe speaking in a high-pitched voice.
JOE/KIANA
Why yes, I am. I was on my way
to the local gym, but I seem to
have gotten lost.Panicked at the sight of this beautiful woman, Speck steps back, losing his balance and falling into his chair. Clearing his throat, he tries to speak casually.
MR. SPECK
Uh, sorry, I can't help you. I
don't usually hang out at gyms...Joe/Kiana continues to advance on Mr. Speck, who rolls backward in his chair. Completely intimidated, Speck doesn't notice as Eugene slips quietly into the room.
JOE/KIANA
You could've fooled me. You seem
so fit...
(traps him against wall)
... with your sallow complexion,
your desperate eyes, your
rodent-like crouch...Joe/Kiana slips onto Mr. Speck's lap, motioning behind his back for Eugene to hurry up. Eugene nods, crawling across the floor to the desk, where the black box rests.
MR. SPECK
I watch you every day, Kiana. The
way you stretch your thighs, work
your buttocks...
(gulps)
... leg lifts...Speck embraces Joe/Kiana desperately, trying to give him a huge, sloppy kiss. Eugene rises up, about to grab the black box - when he sees Speck grappling with Joe/Kiana. Distracted, he knocks over a pencil holder, diving back behind the desk as Speck pauses, looking up curiously.
MR. SPECK
What was that?Desperate, Joe/Kiana grabs Speck's head in both hands, giving him a hot, passionate kiss. Taking advantage of the distraction, Eugene snatches the black box off the desk and bolts out the door.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY
Eugene exits the science classroom, black box in hand. He grins triumphantly - until he sees every metal object in the area flying toward him. Yelping, he tosses the box aside, the magnetized items following it as it tumbles away. Eugene turns as Joe/Kiana steps out of the classroom, spitting unhappily.
JOE/KIANA
(Joe's normal voice)
Wait up...EUGENE
Hey! You're supposed to be
distracting him!JOE/KIANA
I did... I think he's dead.EUGENE
(thinks it over)
Oh, okay... good work.CUT TO:
EXT. VARIOUS SHOTS - SAME TIMEAs the rotation of the Earth returns to normal, we watch as the EARTHQUAKES stop... the TIDAL WAVE recedes harmlessly... the FISSURES close themselves.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DUSKMaking their way through all the metal objects that litter the schoolyard, Eugene watches as Joe/Kiana closes up the black box.
JOE/KIANA
There, it's disabled - and so's
my grade-point average.Eugene can't help but stare at Joe/Kiana's body, groaning as Joe's HEAD MORPHS back to his own.
EUGENE
Jeez, why didn't you come to Earth
as Kiana in the first place?JOE
Are you kidding? I'd never get any
work done - I'd spend all day
fondling myself.
(grimacing - spits again)
Mr. Speck should run some mouthwash
experiments. Do I have time to be sick?Hearing the sound of a motor starting, Eugene and Joe look up, just as a pair of bright headlights blind them. Shading their eyes, they see the NASA van, the Superior Officer inside.
EUGENE
About five seconds.JOE
I'll do it later.The NASA van starts toward them. Glancing around desperately, Eugene grabs a bicycle lying amongst the other metal debris.
EUGENE
Climb on!CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - DUSKEugene and Joe tear out of the schoolyard on the bike, Eugene pedaling like mad while Joe teeters on the seat behind him. Still his head on Kiana's body, Joe clutches Eugene with one arm and the black box with the other. The NASA van squeals around a corner in hot pursuit.
EUGENE
This was brilliant - like we're
really gonna outrun a car on a bike.JOE
(glancing back)
Is there anything I can do to help?EUGENE
Yeah - quit grinding those breasts
against my back. It's really
distracting...Realizing he's still got Kiana's body, Joe completes the MORPH into his own human form. Eugene steers the bike down a sidestreet and toward the woods - the NASA van close behind.
JOE
I hope the girls got ahold of
my parents.Eugene looks up to see a dead end blocking their path.
EUGENE
It's not gonna matter...Moving quickly, Joe opens the black box, pressing a few buttons. The bike lifts off the ground, Eugene's eyes bulging.
EUGENE
Wait a minute... you can FLY? We
could've made money off that!They glide over the dead end as the NASA van slams into the barrier. The Superior Officer staggers out of the van, glaring after them as they disappear into the evening sky.
EXT. EUGENE AND JOE
continue to levitate, gaining altitude. Eugene looks down, frightened.
EUGENE
Uh, Joe - aren't we a little high?Joe holds onto Eugene with one hand, trying to operate the black box with the other.
JOE
I can't control altitude. I don't
know how...Joe finally SPROUTS two tentacled arms, wrapping them around Eugene's waist while he uses both hands to adjust the black box.
EUGENE
Aaugh! Those are slimy! I'd like
to go down now, Joe.JOE
(pressing buttons)
Okay, I've got it...Their heads snap back as the bike suddenly gains speed, shooting forward. They rocket past the MOON in SILHOUETTE, screaming in terror the whole way. The bike arcs down, heading for...
EXT. THE WOODS
... where it lands with a SPLAT, sending Eugene and Joe flying through the underbrush. Groaning, Eugene and Joe sit up, bruised and dirty. They exchange glances.
EUGENE
E.T. ... go home.
Yeah, yeah - they save the world and get away with everything... and Eugene even discovers the value of learning, while Joe discovers the value of goofing off every now and then. Hey! He could be a screenwriter!
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