MARCH 2002:
Yeah, yeah - it's been a while since I've updated this website. But I have a legitimate excuse. (Well, maybe not legitimate, but an excuse nonetheless.) And that excuse is called... laziness. No! Wait! That excuse is called...
... BACHELORMAN!
"BachelorMan" is a film based on a script that I co-wrote with Rodney Lee Conover and Jeff Hause, about the ultimate bachelor, and how his life is turned upside-down when he falls in love... with the one girl he can't have. (Other stuff happens, too, but that's the TV Guide blurb. You know, the thing they write right after they give it a 4-star rating.) It's wild, it's no-holds-barred, it's racy, and it's awfully goddamned funny.
Now I'm sure you're saying, "Of course you think it's funny, Dave, you helped write it." To which I would reply, "Helped write and PRODUCE it, you peon." But, semantics aside, you'd be right. Why should you trust me when I tell you it's funny? I'll tell you why - because I'm not gonna take any credit for it. I'm gonna tell you about all the people who REALLY deserve the credit.
This is what
producers do all day - namely watch the monitor.
Well, when they're not macking out at the craft service table.
(From left: Jerry Jacobs, Jeff Hause, Karen Bailey, Some A-hole.)
We shot "BachelorMan" last December, and I've gotta tell you, it was one of the most enjoyable times of my life. And not only because we were all watching an 8-year dream come true. (Yes, it took 8 long years to get this sucker made - and again, I take no credit. Credit for the 8-year battle goes to Rodney, who spent years carrying the torch and refusing to let the flame of hope die... and now you know why I'm not very good at metaphors. Let's move on, shall we?) It was so enjoyable because, well, it was enjoyable. No egos, no tantrums, no jerks and no fuckheads. Which on a movie set is a rarity indeed.
Credit for that goes to everyone in the cast and crew. A nicer, more hard-working bunch you'll never find. And the best part? They were all extremely patient and tolerant of the goofballs walking around calling themselves writer/producers. Even though said writer/producers had spent less time on a movie set than the least experienced member of the crew.
Credit for the crew has to go to the people who hired them, namely producer Jerry Jacobs and director John Putch. Many of the crew had worked with Jacobs and Putch on other projects, so they knew they were getting top-quality people, not just good workers. But considering that Jacobs and Putch are, themselves, top-quality people, it's not really that big a surprise.
(I know, I know - this is beginning to sound like a studio puff piece and you're waiting for me to get these peoples' cocks out of my mouth and dish some dirt. Well it ain't gonna happen... the "dish dirt" part, I mean - the "cock in mouth" part never happened in the first place. Honest. Really. No matter WHAT you may have heard.)
Three of the nicest
people you'll ever meet. If, y'know, you
ever meet them...
(From left: David DeLuise, director John Putch, Missi Pyle)
John Putch is not only the aforementioned restaurant-quality person, he's also one hell of a director. From a logistical standpoint, he's amazingly prepared and able to get what he wants quickly and with a minimum of fuss. And from a creative standpoint, Putch is the first director we've ever had who not only made our stuff as funny on film as it was on the page, but made it FUNNIER. Time and time again. I'd call him a fucker if I wasn't so indebted to him.
Here's a story that'll let you in on how much we owe Putch. We were shooting one day at a sushi restaurant, a scene in which star David DeLuise (more on him in a minute) approaches a beautiful, unattainable woman and impresses her by rattling off every cheesy pick-up line known to man. The whole thing is set up like a gunfight in a Sergio Leone spaghetti western, right? At least that was how it was written. But we know from past, horrible experiences (*coughOnceBittencough*) that how you write it and how a director shoots it are two very different things. So Jeff and I are on opposite ends of the restaurant, each watching the scene on a different monitor, and it's just exactly like we'd pictured it. At one point Jeff and I made eye contact, and it was immediately apparent that we were having the same thought: Someone is finally filming something we wrote correctly. And it was turning out FUNNY. Now, that may not sound like much to you, but we've been doing this for over 20 years, and to finally have a director actually get it, and translate it onto film the way it was meant to be... hey, I'm not ashamed to say that we both teared up a little that day. And that kind of thing happened EVERY STINKIN' DAY. And that's why we love John Putch.
DeLuise
demonstrating that he's got that special something
you need to make it big in Hollywood.
Another area in which Putch excelled was his work with the actors. And we were unbelievably lucky to snag the actors we got, particularly our two leads, David DeLuise (yes, he's Dom's youngest) and Missi Pyle (no, she's not Gomer's daughter). DeLuise was a constant source of amazement both as a performer and a person. As a performer, he nailed his role every day, bringing boundless energy and creativity to every shot he was in - which is damn near every shot in the movie. He reminded Jeff and I a lot of a young Jim Carrey in that he's absolutely fearless. David doesn't care how he looks, whether he's likeable, if he's being too silly - he's all about making it as funny as it can possibly be, which are all prerequisites for a great comic actor. And as a person, David is a major reason the set was so fun and ego-free. When your star is just a regular guy, and treats everyone with respect - hell, treats everyone like his new best friend - it relaxes everyone. Did I say we were lucky? Considering that David originally auditioned for a supporting role, we were more than lucky. We were blessed.
Missi Pyle, on the other hand, was a total raving nightmare. No! No! Just kidding. (Hey, even I was starting to feel like I had a dick tickling the back of my throat...) Missi not only proved that she could hold her own onscreen with DeLuise - no small feat, that - but also turned out to be one of the sweetest people on the planet. (We tested this scientifically - she IS one of the sweetest. Top 10, I think.) It was important that our lead actress have the comic chops to match DeLuise, but also the emotional range to pull off a female role written by three terminally adolescent males. In other words, she needed to fill in some blanks. It was instantly obvious at her audition that we'd found our female lead when Missi came in and completely blew away everyone else who read for the part. While other actresses walked in and read for the role (and I do mean 'read' - straight off the page, sometimes with what seemed like about five-minutes of preparation), Missi gave a performance. A well-thought-out comedic performance. We knew we wanted her to play the part from that instant, and she didn't let us down. Let us down? She, like everyone else, elevated the material and took it places that we'd never imagined, but wish we had. But what the hell - we'll say it was our idea anyway.
Just to prove that Jeff and I WERE allowed on the set. Once.
There are many more people involved in making "BachelorMan" not only a unique experience, but a pretty danged good movie, too. There's Karen Bailey, who produced as well as played DeLuise's best female friend (and voice of reason). Helen Woo also did time as an actor-slash-producer - as well as adding a daily dose of spice to the set and the wrap party. And last but CERTAINLY not least is the man, the myth, the legend - Rodney Lee Conover. Like I said earlier, it was Rodney that kept pushing this script and refusing to take 'no' for an answer. If it wasn't for the talent, dedication and perseverance of all these people, "BachelorMan" would just be another stack of pages gathering dust on a shelf. Instead, it's a reality - a real, live movie that one day will show in multiplexes all over this great land of ours. Or at least on cable.
So that's (one) reason this page hasn't been updated. Oh sure, there have been others - but I don't really think you wanna hear stories about me sitting on the couch in my boxers eating Cheez-Its while channel surfing until all hours of the morning.
And if you DO want to hear those stories? It'll cost you $9.95 a month. I'm thinking of having a Web-cam installed next week...
(Want to read more about "BachelorMan", see cool behind-the-scenes pictures and even watch the trailer? Go to BachelorMan.com for the full run-down, and up-to-date news.)
Point to the hidden cucumber to return to the SPEW archives!
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