MAY 1997:

IT'S SUMMER! HOW BAD WILL IT SUCK?

How do I know whether the summer movies will suck or not? I mean, who am I to tell you what you will or won't like? For one thing - I don't know you! I have no idea what your tastes are. Plus I haven't seen any of these films yet! I have no idea how good, bad or indifferent they actually are. And then there's the issue of fair play - I have no right to arbitrarily slam (or praise) the work of dedicated men and women who put in long, hard hours to provide what they hope is compelling entertainment. So I shouldn't make any value judgements here.

And if you think THAT'S gonna stop me...

Understanding that this is just for fun, I'm going to offer my know-nothing critiques of the upcoming overhyped potential blockbusters that are about to be shoved into our faces for the next few months. Keep in mind that my opinions are based entirely on speculation, intuition - and in some cases, a peek at the scripts. So on a Suck-O-Meter from 1 to 10 - 10 being the worst suckage possible (think BIODOME) - let's discuss the Summer blockbusters...

THE LOST WORLD: Otherwise known as 'The Big One'. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you that this film is going to go through the roof, out of our atmosphere, through the solar system, and possibly attain heights so lofty that only the Hubble will be able to spot it. And recent reports that the film is extremely violent haven't changed that opinion one bit. In fact, it's those reports of a darker, more horrific film than 'Jurassic Park' that make me anxious to see it. Let's face it, most sequels are watered down versions of the original, with the makers too scared to stray from a successful formula to try anything new. Well, leave it to Mr. Spielberg - a man with literally nothing to lose - to not run scared.

Why is Steven smiling? Because you've PERSONALLY paid for all
seven of his kids' college tuitions!

Is Spielberg afraid of parents who will fret that their children may be scared by images of rampaging dinos? Hell no! Let 'em rampage! In these PC (Perpetually Constipated) times violent films are not supposed to be violent, sexy films are not supposed to be sexy, funny films are not ALLOWED to be funny, and scary films mustn't be too scary. Well forget that! This is a film about dinosaurs threatening human beings. Dinosaurs were big lizardy things with huge nasty teeth. It stands to reason they might just want to eat some of the humans. It also stands to reason that the humans might not want to BE eaten. This generates suspense, which leads to horror. The first person who says this movie is too scary for kids (it's gonna have a PG-13 rating, folks, figure it out - that means MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13) should be forced to watch 'The Land Before Time' until their brains turn to goo. One screening oughta do it.

SUCK-O-METER RATING: 2

ALIEN: RESURRECTION: Now this one I've read the script for. I'd have written it up on my 'Script Reviews' page if I could remember where I threw it in disgust. All I could think when reading it was "Sigourney Weaver must have made some very bad financial moves in the past few years." All the sci-fi fans out there who thought they betrayed Ripley's character in ALIEN3? Get ready for more of the same. In a much hyped plot twist, Ripley's been brought back as a clone of herself. Well, not just herself - a clone of herself and the alien she was carrying around inside her during ALIEN3. Now this might not be so bad if it weren't for the fact that her character spends the whole script in a kind of dazed stupor, only able to deal with her new situation when called upon to flex her new alien-strong muscles.

Sigourney teaches Winona the fine art of
contract negotiations.

Obviously, I think this movie will be bad. What I can't predict is how astronomically bad it'll be, because if Joss Whedon's script is any indication, we're talking real real REAL bad. I've read unproduced versions of the ALIEN3 script (by William Gibson) and ALIENS VS. PREDATOR (by Peter Briggs) and while I thought they would've been questionable follow-ups to the first two films, they stand head and shoulders above Whedon's effort. Now I know it's hard to follow in the footsteps of ALIEN and ALIENS, but at least those films felt like they were made by adults. ALIEN3 and ALIEN: RESURRECTION are the work of children unable to fill those adults' shoes.

SUCK-O-METER RATING: 7.5

CON AIR: An action movie starring Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich and John Cusack? This is either gonna be a complete mess, or... pretty danged fun! And I have this weird feeling it'll be the latter. See, these aren't just actors you don't normally see in action movies (except for Cage, who is suddenly flexing his action-movie muscles), these are really GOOD actors you don't normally see in action movies. Good, thoughtful actors, all of whom give a damn about the films they're in.

So, what, this is a movie about the Village People
hijacking an airplane?

So even though the premise sounds pretty preposterous, and it looks a heckuva lot like THE ROCK (Gee, I wonder why - same producer, studio and star maybe?), it also looks like what Cusack called it - "a great apocalyptic clusterfuck". And there should be at least one of those every Summer, don't you think?

SUCK-O-METER RATING: 4

FACE/OFF: While we're on the subject of Nicolas Cage and absurd plotlines... Face swapping. This is a film about face swapping. A criminal and a lawman who... face swap. Hmm. I've gotta tell you, I'm on the fence here, because this premise really sounds like one of those cheap, stupid little crime-actioners that shows up on Cinemax after midnight on Fridays. Except that this isn't a cheap little actioner, it stars two hot, talented actors, and was directed by Hong Kong actionmeister John Woo. (Well, Woo was an actionmeister in Hong Kong - so far his American films are more the work of a snoozemeister.)

See, it's about the duality of...uh... how each
of us are really two... aw screw it - it's got
lots of bang-bang, okay?

I'm of the same opinion here as with CON AIR, I think - its only chance for survival is to be so crazily over the top that you give in to the idiot premise and just go with the flow. And there may be hope, because this type of theme (the duality of man, blah blah blah) was handled masterfully by Woo in THE KILLER. It's the first American film he's directed that's even ATTEMPTED a theme, so hopefully it's a sign that he's back in fine form, and the squibs will be a-spurtin'!

SUCK-O-METER RATING: 6

MEN IN BLACK: Or 'MIB', as the ads call it. 'MIB'? Puh-leeze! Enough with the stupid abbreviations already! 'T2' for TERMINATOR 2 was bad enough, but 'ID4' for INDEPENDENCE DAY? What's the '4'? The collective I.Q. of the creative team behind it? Sorry, sorry - I digress. MEN IN BLACK, that's what we're talking about. Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Sounds fun. Sure, it's another ding-danged alien movie, but it sounds like a fun, tongue-in-cheek alien movie. There's lots of advance buzz, comic book aficionados (read: geeks) will be lining up days in advance, and Toys-R-Us is clearing shelves to make way for the merchandise. I'd be looking forward to it, too - except for one thing...

Gee, looks like Tommy Lee has the bigger gun here...
I'd have never guessed.

... I know someone who's seen it. Now admittedly, they saw a rough cut without all the special effects added, but the response was, shall we say, less than overwhelming. Kind of underwhelming. Kind of, "It was okay." So my enthusiasm has been tempered a bit. But that's all right - saves me having to stand in line opening weekend with a bunch of obsessive, unwashed, comic-book-clutching... aficionados.

SUCK-O-METER RATING: 4

AIR FORCE ONE: A film about a U.S. President who is taken hostage when Air Force One is hijacked. Let's examine the films featuring the president that have come out the past few years, shall we? THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT (or, as my partner calls it, 'Die, Hillary, Die'). A young, idealistic, Democratic president is widowed, leaving him with a young daughter to raise. He falls in love with a beautiful lobbyist and must deal with partisan politics on top of all the normal relationship problems. Okay. INDEPENDENCE DAY (or, as my partner calls it, 'Die, Hillary, Die II'). A young, idealistic, presumably Democratic president is widowed by nasty aliens, leaving him with a young daughter to raise. But he manages to save the world and unite all its peoples. Those are the positive examples (well, not so positive if you're Hillary, I guess).

SUCK-O-METER RATING: 5

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page!