SEPTEMBER 1999:

WHY HOLLYWOOD BLOWS

You want to know why Hollywood blows? Because I can tell you. I can tell you in three words. You wanna hear? Do ya? Huh? Okay - get ready. I will now tell you why Hollywood blows:

They're remaking ROLLERBALL.

There y'go. Told ya I could do it. Oh, you're not satisfied? You need more? Fine. I can add three words to the sentence above that'll remove all doubt. Here goes:

They're remaking ROLLERBALL with Keanu Reeves.

There. Done. There shall be no debate. The sentence above, six words, fully illustrates the type of thinking that goes on in Hollywood these days. The type of thinking that values name recognition over inspiration. Star power over creativity. The illusion of bankability over risk-taking. In short, the type of thinking that guarantees Hollywood is gonna blow bigger and more often than Old Faithful.

ROLLERBALL. Give me a break.

Let's get real - the only reason anyone liked ROLLERBALL in the first place is because the sport they invented was so brutally fun to watch. But the film itself? The story of the top Rollerball player getting older and coming to grips with his humanity and the dehumanizing nature of the game he played... wait. That is the story, right? I have to ask because I have yet to watch this film and have anything stick with me other than the actual Rollerball sequences. Oh, and somebody shooting a tree with something that makes it burst into flames. Other than that, pfft. It was all so boring and stilted and forced that I'd zone out until it was time for another Rollerball match. It's about as involving and accurate a portrait of the future as ZARDOZ, only without the vaguely softcore porn-ish costumes and sets. In short, unless somebody onscreen was getting his face bashed in by James Caan on roller skates, it was a pretty bad movie.

So of course, let's remake it!

This is the poster for the original ROLLERBALL. Note that the
main character is in the background, while the spiked glove is
front and center. This symbolizes why it was a bad movie, and
won't get any better with Keanu Reeves in the lead.

Now, I'd be less annoyed by this if I thought - even for a second - that the reasons behind the decision to remake this film were creative. But I don't. It's another example of taking an old movie (or TV program, or puppet show, or haiku) and polishing it up so that the viewing public might want to see this shiny new version. Of course we all know what they say about polishing a turd, right? Well, it seems that, more and more, Hollywood is in the turd polishing business these days. Better graphic capabilities have led decisionmakers to greenlight a series of films based on old material that they think can be made new and visually interesting by virtue of recent breakthroughs in CGI. Don't believe me? Fine. Then explain the reason anyone would even think of updating MY FAVORITE MARTIAN. I dare ya. The (flawed) reasoning is simple: They're banking on the name recognition of the old TV series, and the newfangled special effects to make it seem fresh.

Unfortunately, these films are never fresh. Never. Never, ever, ever. And they're not fresh because the ideas are stale. Well whaddaya expect? Most of the ideas they're dredging up from the slush pile are twenty to thirty years old! And (I hate to be the one to break this to the folks in Hollywood) the one thing that every good movie has - every last one of them - is a good core idea. Something that grabs people, that fires their imaginations, that speaks to them and touches them and excites them. And the really annoying thing is that this summer has offered us a couple big reminders of this basic truth, yet the powers that be continue to stumble along, blindly clinging to the notion that all you need is an old product in a shiny new package. In other words, ROLLERBALL starring Keanu Reeves.

The two films that have served as reminders that it's the story and ideas that will grab an audience are, of course, THE SIXTH SENSE and THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. These are two films that the Hollywood powers-that-be didn't think for a second would be as wildly successful as they have turned out to be. Sure, BLAIR WITCH was a sensation at the Sundance film festival, but that rarely translates to big box office bucks. Especially considering the film's raggedy, mock-documentary style and refusal to goose up the ending by showing a big scary witch and a whole lotta Tom Savini-style gore. SIXTH SENSE is a more traditional fright film with some creepy moments and a major league twist thrown in that surprises audiences in such a way that they almost have to see the film a second time just to make sure the filmmakers played fair with them. Which they did. Both of these films have become sensations because they were executed in ways that grabbed an audience's interest, fired their imaginations - and most importantly in terms of box office, made them want to come back and see them again. Preferably with a friend, so they could gauge their reactions. And how much money have these two unexpected blockbusters pulled in? They boast a combined gross of over $300 million. Domestic. No overseas releases, no video - domestic.

Hell, they've outgrossed such expected blockbusters as THE RUNAWAY BRIDE, WILD,WILD WEST and THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER. And why is this? Because they SURPRISED people. Genuinely and honestly surprised people. Not just that they seemingly came out of nowhere, but that the films themselves offered something other than the cookie-cutter 'product' that Hollywood's been feeding us for so long. Oh sure, THE SIXTH SENSE is a studio film boasting a big-time movie star, but let's get real - unless he's got a gun in his hand or is about to save the world from a hurtling asteroid, Bruce Willis isn't exactly a sure thing. Both of these films set out to provide an audience with something other than the traditional moviegoing experience, and have been amply and justly rewarded.

This kid can see dead people, but never seems to notice
Bruce's hairpiece? What's up with that?

But is this a non-recurring phenomenon? Hell no. There's another case I can cite from just last year. A movie that came out of nowhere to become the sleeper hit of the summer. And it became such a hit because it, too, surprised people. It surprised people by being shocking, unapologetic, politically incorrect and very, very funny. Of course I'm talking about THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. It's another film that people went to, enjoyed, and went back to with friends. Because it wasn't your typically bland, homogenized, don't-rock-the-boat-just-give-them-what-they've-seen-before Hollywood 'product'. It was a film that didn't care about anything other than being as funny as it could possibly be, and pulled out all the stops to achieve that goal. And people responded. Because, believe it or not, audiences like a wider range of subject matter than studio number crunchers will ever be able to acknowledge. Of course, as soon as those number crunchers crunched the numbers on MARY, we were guaranteed a bunch of 'gross-out' comedies in the same vein.

And that is why Hollywood blows.

Hollywood blows because it's become, more than ever before, a reactive business. Yeah yeah, I know - it's always been a reactive business. A film becomes successful and the formula is played out until even the original begins to look derivative. But the trend of remaking every old movie and TV show studios hold the rights to has taken this to a new (low) level. I mean, good God, when you're relying on name recognition of a TV show that ran before most of the moviegoing public was born to supply you with a hit, even the most deluded studio hack should know that there's something very, very wrong with this picture. As the makers of WILD, WILD WEST learned the hard way.

You want to crunch numbers? Crunch these:

THE SIXTH SENSE: $176 million (to date)

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: $133 million (to date)

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY: $175 million (domestic)

And while you're crunching them, hear this - these films were not successful because of their genre, or their ad campaigns, or because the summer was hotter than normal and people wanted to get into air conditioned theatres. Those factors may have gotten the initial audiences into the seats, but it was the films themselves that got them to spread word of mouth, that got them to come back a second or third time, and that got them to bring others with them. People liked these movies because they dared do something surprising and original, which in today's marketplace is far too rare. And that's what number crunchers (and the business school graduates who now control the studios) will never figure out. It's about creativity. It's about originality. And it's not about remaking ROLLERBALL, or any other musty, crappy project your studio happens to hold the rights to. You want a bottom line? Make better movies. That's where the real money is.

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