A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

There were these three bears. The papa bear liked beer, the mama bear liked beans, and the baby bear liked listening to Elvis Presley records.

One day, while the bears were out for a walk, a mouse came out of his mousehole. He jumped up on the table and drank all of papa bear's beer, ate all of mama bear's beans, and started to listen to baby bear's Elvis Presley records.

Then he heard the bears coming home, so he jumped back into his mousehole. But he forgot to turn the record player off.

The bears walked into the kitchen. Papa bear roared, "Somebody's been drinking my beer!" Mama bear growled, "Somebody's been eating my beans!" And baby bear squeaked, "Somebody's been playing my Elvis Presley records and forgot to turn the record player off!"

Just then the mouse staggered out of the hole and replied, "Hiccup! Fart! I'm All Shook Up!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun.

Sure enough, when she comes home, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

The blonde is angry - she opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!, Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.

Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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