My Love

By: Sarah

Disclaimer: None of the Buffy people are mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, WB, Sandollar and Kuzui. Those people are not going to sue me because I am not making any money off this.

I feel confused . . .and lost . . . and bewildered. The last time I felt this way was when the order of Terraca were trying to kill me. Then I'd gone to the only place I felt safe: Angel's. Angel. Now there's a word that means something totally different to me now. Let's just say that seventeen ain't all it's cracked up to be. Since I turned seventeen, I've nearly been killed several times, but that's nothing new. My boyfriend and I made love for the first time. I lost my virginity. He lost his soul. Now all he wants to do is hurt me.

Since Angel switched to the other side, I've spent hours in my room listening to the song "The Rose." There are two lines that describe my feelings. One is:

"Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed."

That pretty much describes what Angel did to me. When we first met, we couldn't keep ourselves from loving each other, but we thought we had to. Everytime I saw him, my love for him cut at my soul. Now, I still love my Angel, but he wants to hurt me. Everytime I see the face of the guy I love, it cuts my soul.

I know the Angel I see is not my Angel, the one I love and that loves me, but I still can't get rid of the feeling deep down inside my heart that my Angel is still in there somewhere. I will always belong to my Angel. I wish I could bring him back. It's because I son't know if my Angel can be brought back that I can't slay him. What if when I finally can slay him, and I do slay him, then I go to school the next day and Ms. Calendar says she found a way to bring him back? What if he picks a fight with me, and I stake him without thinking and then Giles tells me there's some ancient ritual that can restore his soul? There are just too many what ifs. After all:

"Just remember, in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed, that with the sun's love

In spring, becomes the rose."

The End

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