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Angelus growled lowly as Buffy approached him, his eyes narrowed in the excitement of the hunt. It felt so good to finally be able to kill, to finally feel release. All the decades of being repressed, of being unable to live as a vampire should, had more than taken their toll. Now that he was finally free he was living on cloud nine. No soul, no conscience, he was back, his life was back. Buffy backed slowly into the school building, knowing that Angelus would follow. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she reached for the stake she had hidden behind her back and wondered if tonight would be the night. The night she finally went through with it. Angelus had had opportunity after opportunity to kill her, but always he held back as well. She wished to God it was because of some kind of hidden love for her, but she knew better. He wanted her to fail due to her love of him. But her love was slowly dying, even as the ring he'd given her remained on her finger. Angelus may be a monster, but Angel, for the brief time she had known him, had been perhaps the kindest and most gentle person she'd ever met. She refused to forget him, she just had to remember that he was gone. That was the hard part. Angelus growled again, vampire face firmly intact, eyes glowing golden. There was such evil in those eyes, such hatred . . . Buffy found herself blinking back tears as she remembered those eyes filled with pain and love.
"You gonna cry?" Angelus growled, a smile gracing his vampiric features.
"No," Buffy said, her voice low and cold. "I'm going to kill you."
Angelus laughed, almost hysterically. "Oh, really? Could've fooled me, Buff- dear," he laughed again. Buffy continued backing up, not sure why she was, only knowing that she had the strength within her to finally kill Angelus, and not wanting to have to. Angelus took a step towards her and Buffy strengthened her grip on the stake, ready to bring it out in a seconds notice. Suddenly everything stopped. Angel's expression changed almost instantly, his face reverting back to human form. He was staring at her, his eyes blank, and then he doubled over, groaning in agony. Buffy's mouth fell open in shock as he fell to the floor, clutching his stomach and moaning. A minute passed by, it felt more like an eternity. He looked up at her, and it was Buffy's turn to freeze. Something had changed. She could feel it deep within her. Something had most definitely changed. Angel stood and took several steps away from her, his eyes wide in horror. She took a step forward, her entire body shaking with barely controlled emotions. Angel continued his back-stepping, mimicking her movements earlier, when she'd backed up into the school.
"Angel?" she whispered, wondering if this was some kind of trick.
He continued walking away from her, faster now. "Stay away from me," he told her, his voice shaking. There was no question, it was him. Angel was back. She took another step forward, and he took another one backwards. "Stay away from me!" he hissed, his eyes watering with unshed tears.
"Angel . . . " Angel had backed himself into a wall without even realizing it, and he sank down it, every muscle in his body trembling.
"Stay away from me," he repeated.
"Please." Buffy obeyed him, staying rooted to the spot and watching him, just watching him. It wasn't possible, and yet she knew with certainty it was happening. Angel was back, her Angel. But there was something else . . . she just couldn't put her finger on it. Something else had changed.
"Angel . . . "
"Oh, God . . . " he moaned weakly. "What have I done?" He looked up at her, as if looking for an answer, as tears continued to stream down his face. He wrapped his arms around his legs and just sobbed quietly. Buffy didn't know what to say or how to react. She was still overcoming the shock of Angel being back to himself, she didn't know what to say to comfort him. And she had the very strong suspicion that nothing she could say would be of comfort. All the clichés she'd used to use when he'd get upset, it wasn't you, you're not like that anymore, they all seemed just that -- clichés. The honest truth was he'd tried to kill her on several occasions, he'd stalked her, tormented her. And he'd killed. After one hundred years of abstinence he'd killed. And she was responsible. Neither of them had known what would happen, but that didn't matte r. She was responsible for his pain, as he felt responsible for hers. She kneeled down next to him; put her hand on his shoulder. He flinched away from her touch and tried to stand, but was unable to, his sobbing was so great. Both were unaware that they'd attracted attention. Giles, Willow and Xander looked on, conflicting expressions in their faces. Mistrust, sympathy, sorrow, fear . . . all played a part. Buffy was to focused on Angel, and Angel was to focused on his guilt.
"It's okay . . . " Buffy started slowly. "I don't blame you."
He looked at her, tears still streaming down his face. "You should," he told her softly. "God . . . I almost killed you . . . " His sobbing doubled in intensity at the effort it took to speak.
"But you didn't. Angel . . . it was as much my fault as it is yours, if not more so. What happened . . . " Angel looked at her for a long moment before replying.
"It's not your fault. You didn't kill six people, Buffy. And I should have known better."
"How?" Buffy challenged, wanting more than anything to take him into her arms and just hold on for dear life. "How could you possibly have known?"
"I should have," he replied, swallowing and once again attempting to stand. He was facing the three spectators, but didn't even seem to be aware of them as he managed to make it to his feet. Angel touched Buffy's face gently with one hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Without another word or look he ran out of the school.
Xander was the first of the three to move. Buffy was still crouched down near where Angel had been only a few moments before, staring at the door where Angel had exited. She was unaware of the tears on her own face, unaware of Xander wrapping his arms around her as she cried, unaware of him leading her slowly towards the library. Giles, Willow and Xander paced as Buffy stared straight ahead, her eyes wide in shock and confusion. It took her quite awhile to snap out of it, at least twenty minutes had passed. She looked up to see everyone watching her and blinked. "Did that just -- I mean . . . am I imagining things or . . . ?"
Giles nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. He knew better than to try and convince Buffy that it might be some kind of trick, and he knew better than to tell her that if Angel truly was back he would avoid her like the plague. He knew she would figure those things out eventually. "It happened," he said gently.
She blinked again. "It did, didn't it?" she asked rhetorically. She shook her head slowly. "I don't . . . I don't know what to do . . . "
"I think that, for now, you should just leave it alone," Giles told her gently. "I think everybody just needs . . . time."
Buffy stood shakily. "Can I skip the rest of my patrols tonight?" she asked softly. "I think I just need to go home."
Giles nodded. "Of course."
"Well, it wasn't a trick," Buffy told Willow the next morning as they walked towards their class.
"What makes you so sure?" Willow asked. She wanted this for Buffy; she wanted it to be true, but she was unsure all the same. Buffy sighed.
"Because I know him," she replied. "I went by his place this morning . . . he's moved out."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Willow said gently. "So you have no idea where he is?"
"I'm sure he's as far away from me as he can possibly get," Buffy answered. "If I had to make a guess I'd say somewhere near China."
Willow smiled. "He can't just go away," she said, positive she was speaking the truth. "I mean, you two have a lot to talk about."
"Yeah . . . " Buffy trailed off. "This is just . . . it's so unfair. I hate Ms. Calendar for it, I mean hasn't he suffered enough already? Isn't one hundred years of hell good enough for them?"
"Maybe that's how," Willow volunteered. "Maybe Ms. Calendar found the curse again and re-did it or something."
Buffy shrugged. "Probably. I just . . . I wish things could be different. I know this is how it has to be, but . . . "
Willow nodded. "I understand, Buffy. Angel will turn up eventually. He may just need some time, I mean . . . a lot has happened in the past few weeks."
Buffy laughed without humor. "You could say that again . . . speaking of . . .how are things with you and Xander?"
It was Willow's turn to sigh. "Strained would be putting it nicely," she said with a soft smile. "Can we just stick to your life?"
"Willow . . . my life right about now absolutely sucks. Let's just go to class and forget about both our lives for a little while." With that Buffy headed down the hallway for her first period class.
Buffy glared at the vampire before her and smiled at his taunting. It felt so nice to fight a vampire that she could care less about killing, somehow it was good for her self-esteem. Unfortunately the vampire wasn't a bad fighter and had no qualms about killing her, either. He glared at her and did a flip over her head. Buffy spun around to face him just as his fist connected with her face. She winced in pain and fought the urge to lose consciousness. She couldn't do that until after she'd killed this jerk. Reaching behind her she brought out a stake and pointed it at him threateningly. He laughed, actually laughed, and grabbed it from her hand. "That wasn't very nice," Buffy quipped, trying her hardest to keep her cool and failing miserably. The vampire ignored her remarks and punched her in the stomach when she was distracted for a critical second. Buffy knew she'd lost this fight, and decided the only thing she could do was cut her losses and run. The choice was taken out of her hands however when, a moment later, she slumped to the ground, unconscious.
Xander and Willow both sighed at the exact same second and looked at their watches. Giles had enlisted their help that night to sort through his many volumes of supernatural books and organize them according to the type of legend they concerned. While it would most definitely be an improvement the next time a strange monster came into town they'd been at it for over four hours, and all they wanted to do was go home and go to bed. The door to the library suddenly swung open and both were shocked to see Angel carrying an unconscious Buffy in arms that seemed much thinner than the last time they'd seen him. Xander and Willow hurried over as Angel gently placed Buffy on the table.
"Giles!" he called, seemingly unaware of the fact that this was the first time any of them had seen him since he'd regained his soul.
Giles hurried down the stairs at the sound of Angel's voice and his eyes widened in concern when he saw Buffy lying unconscious on the table. "What happened?" he asked Angel, hurrying over to her to make sure she was okay.
Angel shrugged. "I'm not sure," he said, his eyes never leaving Buffy's face. "Is she okay?" Three sets of eyes watched anxiously as Giles checked the slayer over.
"She'll be fine," Giles reassured them after a moment. "She just hit her head. Though if it was a vampire . . . " he trailed off, realizing that it would not be comforting to tell the two teenagers that Buffy should, by all rights, be dead. He looked up at Angel for an instant, and was surprised by his appearance. He seemed a great deal thinner than the last time Giles had seen him, his eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath. If Giles hadn't known better he'd swear Angel were seriously ill. He could only imagine what could cause such an extreme shift in the appearance of a vampire. "May I speak with you for a minute?" Giles asked Angel before the vampire had a chance to leave. Angel hesitated, his eyes flickering over to Buffy's face, obviously not wanting to be around when she regained consciousness. Curiosity won the battle, however, and he nodded, following Giles into his private office. Xander and Willow both exchanged looks and walked over to Giles' office door where they could effectively listen in and not be seen by either the vampire or the watcher.
"What?" Angel asked, turning to face Giles after casting one more nervous glance the Slayer's way. Giles paused, uncertain of how to start the conversation. He'd gone from instinctive fear of Angel when they'd first learned he was a vampire to a grudging respect, and then immediately back to fear when Angel had reverted. He wasn't quite sure where his emotions stood now.
"Buffy needs you," he said, deciding to get right to the point. "She hasn't been the same since . .. well, since . . . "
Angel looked at him and offered a small smirk. "Since I tried to destroy the world?" he offered. "Since I killed for the first time in over a century? Since I tried to kill Willow? Or just since I tried to kill her?" The sarcasm in his voice was rather evident and Giles sighed; at least he knew for certain that Angel would not be turning back again. He seriously doubted even the smallest amount of happiness would be able to break through the walls of guilt that seemed to surround the vampire.
"That's not the point," Giles said sharply. "By all rights Buffy should have died tonight. She's not as strong as she was, and you know what that can mean for a slayer."
"I'm certainly not the answer for her problems," Angel said coolly. "Especially considering I started most of them. It would be best for all concerned parties if I stayed as far away from Buffy as possible."
"If you hadn't found her tonight she would have died. You've saved her life more times than I can count. You owe her, as well. She deserves some kind of closure."
"Closure?" Angel repeated. "I can't take that chance, don't you see that? Every second I spend anywhere near her puts her in danger. She knows that. You should know that as well."
"So you'd just let her die?" Giles questioned, already knowing the answer.
"Of course not. I'll protect her when I can, as I should have done from the beginning. I never should have gotten involved the way I did, I won't make the same mistake again."
"You can't take back what you've done, Angel," Giles said, meaning to imply the beginning of Buffy and his relationship. He saw Angel wince slightly and Giles realized just how true his words were. "Sorry," he said quietly.
Angel shook his head. "Don't be. You're right, I can't take back what I've done, much as I'd like to. But I can not risk being anywhere near her. Ever again."
"How are you going to constantly know whenever Buffy may be in danger? You say you're going to protect her, but you can't unless you know what's going on."
Angel shrugged. "I have my ways. Besides, she's the Slayer. She doesn't need my help."
"She wouldn't have," Giles said slowly, "but you've made her dependent on it. She needs you in her life, Angel. She loves you."
"She'll get over it," Angel replied.
"No, I don't think she will. She hasn't gotten over it yet, and it's been almost three months." Angel smiled, thinking of the words Buffy had said at the end of their first fight, when she'd had the opportunity to kill him and had been unable to.
"Give her time," he answered.
"She doesn't have the luxury of time! She's the Slayer, her time is limited. She needs to enjoy every second of her life."
"And I need to suffer every second of mine. There's very little room for a relationship between that." Giles opened his mouth to protest, but Angel sighed and reached for a piece of paper. He wrote something down on it and handed it to the watcher. "If there's ever an emergency and you need to get a hold of me just call. But don't tell Buffy anything about this. You think she's dependent on my help, fine, I'll give it to her. So long as she doesn't know."
Giles sighed, this was not the outcome he'd been hoping for, but he was wise enough to know it was the best he was going to get. "Thank you," he replied. Angel nodded, and the next instant he was gone.
As soon as Buffy woke she had hundreds of questions, none of which could be answered by any of the Slayerettes, nor her Watcher. "How did I get here?" was the first one.
Giles cleared his throat and looked at the two teenagers behind him, hoping one of them would come to his rescue. Neither did. "I -- I found you," he told her, hoping she would accept that as the truth.
"Why am I still alive?" was her next question as she remembered the vicious vampire she'd been fighting before she'd been knocked out.
Giles shrugged. "Only the vampire that attacked you could answer that question," he answered honestly.
Buffy's eyes narrowed as she sat up, realizing that she had been laying across the table. Somehow something about Giles' story didn't seem to ring true. "You found me?" she repeated, watching him carefully.
He nodded. "Mhmm," he murmured noncommittally.
"Where?" she asked, trying to make it sound like simple curiosity.
"The park," he volunteered, trying to keep the hopefulness out of his answer.
Buffy blinked and looked at him more closely. "That's strange," she muttered. "Especially since I was fighting him in the back alley of the Bronze."
Willow opened her mouth, but a sharp look from Xander silenced her. "Maybe he moved you," Xander said.
Buffy didn't miss the grateful look Giles cast his way. "Why would he do that?" she asked.
"Some vampire thing," Xander suggested. "Maybe he wanted to eat at the park, some vamp picnic or something."
Buffy got off the table hesitantly, and was relieved to find that she wasn't at all dizzy or nauseous. "I'm going home," she told them, unable to keep the anger and suspicion out of her voice. Without another word she left the library, but stopped once the doors were closed. She felt guilty listening in on her friends conversations, but she had to know what was really going on.
"That went . . . well," Giles said after a moment's pause.
"We ought to tell her," Willow insisted. "I mean, she really should have . . . well, it might help us figure out what's up with this vampire if she knew all the facts."
Giles shook his head. "Angel asked me not to. It's his decision, not ours."
Buffy immediately perked up at Angel's name, and she smiled softly to herself, finally understanding. So Angel had saved her life once again . . . and hadn't wanted her to know about it. In her mind that was progress, he was back to following her around and making sure she was safe, it wouldn't be long before she needed his help in a battle. And then he'd have to talk to her, there'd be no way around it. The smile still on her face, she walked away from the library and headed home.
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