Finding My Heart by Diane DeRogatis

Marlena quickly walked towards the cabin thru the cold February air, thinking to herself that this might not have been the best of ideas....

"What made me decide to come here of all places" she thought to herself.....she had so many memories of this place....memories of times with Roman and oh, memories of John......The irony of the situation made her shake her head, "I'm trying to decide who to give my heart to and I come to a place where I have such vivid memories of both men." Then she realized the error of her statement, her heart belonged to John, her mind was the fragmented one.

As she began to think that she was losing her mind, she played the evening's events over in her head. John seemed so terribly upset when he showed up at the inn. She tried to explain that Eric and Sami set up the anniversary dinner for her and Roman, but John really didn't seem to care *why* she was there. When she finally got a chance to explain that she could not possibly marry John until all of the issues with Roman were resolved, John did not seem at all pleased. Of course, Roman had to walk in at the same moment, "impeccable timing" she uttered. . The ensuing argument between the two men was some of the worst behavior she has ever seen in two adults, and this is coming from a psychiatrist! Her most vivid memory of the evening, however, was the breathtaking kiss John gave her before he left, "oh, John Black, how do you this to me?"

A wave of selfishness washed over her as she thought of all the pain her best friend Laura was going through these days. "Silly me, fretting over which man I should be with, I should really give Laura a call". Unfortunately, the line turned out to be busy, and Marlena figured she'd just try later. Feeling totally irresponsible for running away to the cabin, she decided to also check in with the hospital and with Chelsea. After finding out everything was okay, she decided she needed to unwind. "Maybe I shouldn't have told my service where to reach me.....oh well, I'm sure I'll feel much better after a nice bubble bath"

Roman opened the door to the Pub and let out an exasperated sigh, "Some anniversary, Roman." He walked over to the bar to talk to his parents about the night's events and hopefully to get some chowder considering his dinner with Marlena never even got underway before it was interrupted.

"Well there son, what can I getcha," Shawn asked.

"How about a good stiff drink, Pop...after the night I had, you'd want one too!"

Roman proceeds to tell his father how John interrupted his dinner with Marlena and how Marlena abruptly left. "The worst part is, Pop, that John kissed her before he left, and I tell you, it broke my heart. You should have seen the love in their eyes, there's no way I can compete with that."

Shawn empathized with son, but only to a point. He instructed him that wallowing in his own misery was not the way to go. Shawn furthur explained, "Son, I know you love her, but you were gone for a long time, while John was here for her, to love her and protect her, even when they weren't together. Their love is so powerful, I'm not sure your history with Marlena will be able to override that."

With each passing day Roman was beginning to realize that what his father was saying was the truth. Still, he was determined not to give up just yet. In the meantime however, he had to occupy himself. He decided to give Bo and call and see of he could help find Jennifer. Bo told him that they were all over at Laura's and that he was welcome to join them. So off to Laura's he went.

John wandered the pier with hundreds of thoughts jumbling his mind. "I know she loves me," he thought, "I will not lose her this time."

"Damn you Kristen, why do you continue to wreck our lives", John had to admit though that Kristen wasn't totally at fault on this one, Roman was also partially to blame. He completely disregarded Marlena's feelings by keeping the truth a secret. "Hell,I don't blame him for loving her, but how could he keep the truth from her for all that time, knowing the pain and guilt she must have been feeling."

John let his thoughts wander to the last time Marlena was with him on the pier. God, how he thought she was slipping away from him that night...maybe he was right...."That's it Black," he said aloud, "You're going to make your own destiny this time!"

John had decided that he was no longer going to let fate take its course, for fate had handed him a raw deal more than once. He zipped up his jacket and stormed off the pier like a man on a mission.......

"Boy did I need that bubble bath, I feel so much better," Marlena thought. This was a great opportunity for her to think and God knows she needs the time to think. "It's a little chilly in here," she said to herself, "maybe I should start a fire, or maybe changing into this dressing gown wasn't the best of ideas." It was a good thing almost everyone left clothes at the cabin....they always come in handy and the last thing she felt like doing was sitting around in her dress from dinner.

As time passed and she became more and more relaxed, her mind began to clear. Her love for John was so strong and true, what had made her so indecisive all of a sudden?

"I know Roman is my past. I have nothing but leftover, lingering feelings for him. I knew that all of those times he kissed me, the spark is gone, it's been gone for many years now."

This situation was different though, she had children to worry about and boy, did they complicate the matter. She understood the twins distress, but she didn't know how to handle it. There seemed to be no way to make them understand. She knew how Sami felt, she always resented then for the affair, she only pretended not to mind when she had amnesia. Eric was the real shocker, she never expected such hatred towards John coming from him. Everyone seemed to forget her two "babies", the true innocents in this mess.

"Belle and Brady have been through so much already, I've already lost out on so much time with them. They deserve their parents together."

"What about *my* happiness? Where does that fit into the puzzle?"

Marlena began to remember all of the times she had put her love for John on hold and how many times they cam so close to being together......when she first returned only to find him with a pregnant Isabella....when Roman returned and how she ached to be with John......when she was locked away in Paris and thought John was dead.....when Kristen manipulated their lives to no end..and now....now, when she finally had the chance to be woth John free and clear she was blowing her chances......

John was holding to his decision to take the bull by the horns..but there was just one problem....where was marlena????

He tried the penthouse but Chelsea and the children must have been asleep already...he tried her service but the line was busy....where could she be???

"Laura's", he concluded...maybe she went to help out Laura..let me give her a call....Carrie answered the phone at Jen's house and explained to John that she was there to support Mike until Jen was found. The whole family was in a state of panic since Jack was arrested and Peter took Jen.

"Carrie, honey, is Marlena there by any chance?"

"No John, I'm sorry, i haven't seen her all night, is everything ok?"

"yea, Carrie...everything's just *terrific*, Ijust need to see her right away."

"I understand how hard this is John, I'll call if you if I hear from her and if we hear anything on Jen."

"thanks Carrie, love you, bye."

"Punkin', who was on the phone?"

"It was John, Dad. He wanted to see what was going on"

"Carrie, you don't have to coddle me, I know he was looking for Marlena."

"Yes, he was, Dad.....I know how hard it must be for you to know about them, but they love each other so much. I'm going to check on Mike, let me know if anything happens."

Roman could feel the jealousy begin to rise up inside of him as he thought of John and Marlena being together. "Well, John, I want to see Marlena too...we'll have to see who gets there first!"

John continued to rack his brain trying to figure out where Marlena could be....

"Come on man...you know her almost as well as you know yourself...where is she?"

All of a sudden it came to him...of course, how could he have been so dumb?

"No more thinking," Marlena spoke aloud, "my heart belongs to John. He is the man who can see striaght to my soul, whose touch awakens my senses and whose lips start a fire in my heart. I will no longer deny my love for him"

Marlena stood up and felt tears forming in her eyes and she recalled the last time she cried at the cabin....it was when Roman was dying and John was off in the jungle. At that moment in time she didn't know who her tears were for, but she knew now......they were for John...they would always be for John.....

Roman stepped into the kitchen and called Marlena's service to see if she left a number to be reached. Roman felt triumphant when the secretary said that she could be reached at the Horton Cabin.

"Here I come Doc......"

Marlena felt so free and so glorious as she realized that all of her concern was for nothing.....she didn't have unresolved feelings for Roman...she now knew that her heart would always be John's. Her only worry was that she had pushed John away one too many times.....

"I have to find John...I have to tell him how lost I am without him and how I never want to be away form him again...I have to find him!"

With that said, Marlena hears a voice behind her...

"Not if I find you first, pretty lady"

Marlena spun on her heel and came face to face with the man she loved....as both of their eyes welled with tears.....only one word escaped her lips...."John"

* what will roman be walking into at the cabin?
* will J&M finally be allowed some happiness and will John *forgive* Marlena?