A Love Beyond Compare by Sandra Bondelier

A Love Beyond Compare ch 18
Written by Sandra H. Bondelier

For the Love of You

Drifting on a memory
Ain't no place I'd rather be
Than with you, loving you...

As he drove his favorite toy, a Jeep Grand Cherokee, which was his gift to himself for making Commander, toward its mountainous destination, Roman kept stealing quick glances over at Marlena and remembering. Every now and then he'd catch her eye and he knew... She was doing the exact same thing. It was that glorious nervous tension felt only by two people falling in love. Only this was different, it was like falling in love with someone you already knew, but in a different context. It was exciting and mysterious and fun and when their eyes met, they exchanged that conclusion. This trip to the mountains would be filled with moments, big and small, moments in which they remembered the love they shared long ago and moments in which they rekindled and recreated that love in a new way.

Roman could feel the walls he had built around his heart coming down as each day passed since she returned to him on their pier like an angel appearing out of the mist. Sometimes he still couldn't believe it was real, so he found himself staring at her a lot, which he noted she didn't seem to mind at all. She was so incredibly beautiful; hers was a timeless grace and elegance and he couldn't get enough of her, now that those walls had started to come down. Her eyes sparkled in the sunshine and her smile was warming his heart.

Truthfully, she loved it. The way he looked at her in those brief moments before he realized she'd seen him, told her all she really needed to know. Roman Brady was truly, madly, and deeply in love with her; he always had been and he always would be. Theirs was a love that was truly meant to be and one day they would be together again, in every sense of the word. All that was left was the formality of telling his fiance that their relationship was over.

Then, in the next instant, Marlena acknowledged the idea that thinking so confidantly could get her in trouble.. and leave her feeling extremely disappointed and hurt, if she turned out to be wrong about the meaning of the changes in Roman's behavior toward her.

Internally, she admonished herself, 'No, Marlena.. don't be so sure of yourself, don't be too confidant, at least not yet. Yes, he loves you.. and he's beginning to let those feelings show, but he still loves her too. You can't just dismiss his feelings for her. He thought you were dead for five years.. he grieved and let you go. Roman had every right to fall in love again, and his love for her is genuine.'

Before they knew it, the car was pulling up at a remote cabin the woods of the Shawnee National Forest in Southern Illinois. It was beautiful setting, a log cabin perched high up on a hill overlooking a gorgeous natural lake. It was quite charming in a rustic sort of a way, and Marlena loved it. Mostly, however, she was thrilled to be away from Salem, away from that other love, spending a long weekend with just Roman and their two youngest children.

Upon arrival, Roman immediately hopped out of the vehicle and went around to the back to begin unloading the gear, wanting to get settled as quickly as possible. He had plans for the day and he wanted to make sure everything was unloaded and in the cabin before spending the day playing. This was going to be fun and exciting. The days were warm and the nights cool this time of year which meant they even needed to gather some firewood for later on. However, once the chores were completed, it was time for some good old fashioned fun with three of the people he loved most in all the world. If only Carrie were there too... Thinking of how she left, remembering the scene at the house, he suddenly felt the pain of her decision, as if it had just happened.

Marlena was watching him eagerly unloading the fishing gear with a smile of satisfaction on her face. He was happy and relaxed, not tense the way he had been in so many little moments since she'd returned, as if he were afraid to let his guard down, afraid he would feel something for her. Now, he was finally starting to let that guard down and feel good about it. He was positively grinning as he directed the twins where to take various items as he unloaded them from the back end of the Jeep. Then, suddenly, he stopped and a dark shadow passed over his face; he seemed... sad or maybe.. hurt by something.

She contemplated the possible causes and then it came to her; he had mentioned it briefly a day or so earlier. He was missing Carrie and somehow this family trip must have reminded him of how she'd left, how she'd chosen to leave him and go live with her mother. He didn't talk about it, but Marlena sensed he was deeply hurt by his oldest daughter's decision.

Silently slipping up behind him, Marlena's eyes fell on the photograph at which he was staring, and she knew she was correct in her assumption. "You really miss her don't you?"

He nodded, but didn't turn toward her, then sighed contentedly as she wrapped her arms around him, pleased to absorb the love she was sending him as well as the warmth of her embrace. "Yes.. I do.. I miss her a lot, Doc... we were... really close... for awhile, anyway... Then, something happened... I don't really know what, but she started slipping away from me, you know... and I didn't know what to do."

Marlena couldn't help but laugh a little, "Roman.. she became a teenager.. it's called hormones.. you remember those, don't you?"

Grinning slightly, in spite of the pain he was feeling, Roman turned around in her arms and answered, "Yea... I suppose you're right... I guess it took me by surprise. One minute we were so.. great, we were a team.. and then, boom... she was changing before my eyes.. and it seemed like everything I said.. everything I did.. made her unhappy and she wanted to leave. I needed you... she needed you. I just wish..."

"What... what do you wish, Roman?" Marlena asked, curiously.

"Well, I wish she'd come home... I wish she'd give me another chance, Doc.. I know I was hard on her sometimes and we didn't always communicate like she wanted... but darnit.. I love Carrie... and I want her to come back. I really don't think that Anna can give her what she needs." He started to make one more comment about it without even thinking, and immediately regretted it, "You know.. Izzy was talking to her the other day and she said....that.." Roman stopped short, shut his eyes and winced, knowing he'd blown it. Things were going so well and now he'd blown it by mentioning the other woman. "I'm sorry, Doc."

Marlena turned away briefly, trying to squelch her reaction for Roman's benefit. He seemed bothered by it, more than she was actually. As she turned back and looked at him again, she tried to make it seem as if she weren't upset, saying calmly, "It's okay, Roman... you can say her name, really.. it's allright. So.. tell me, what were you going to say?" she asked, forcing her smile to appear normal and accepting, not at all jealous of that connection.

He was puzzled by the apparent change, and scrutinized Marlena's face for her true reaction, asking hesitantly, "Are you.. sure, Doc?"

"Yes... I'm sure. I really want to know," she said more firmly.

"Allright, then.. Isabella was talking to Carrie... she's been closer than I have lately. Anyway.... she said that Carrie has been making these comments about what it's like to live with Anna... saying that it isn't like she thought it would be... that she's alone a lot. Isabella told me she didn't come right out and say it, but she thinks Carrie is seriously considering coming back home to live with us... I mean... me." He corrected himself immediately, but the damage had been done. The word *Us* was out there in reference to himself and Isabella, and it had come out so naturally, with no hesitation whatsoever. Roman believed that fact was what hurt her so much and cursed himself under his breath as Marlena turned away again. 'Good one, Brady... that was just great!' he yelled at himself inside his mind... 'Way to go, hotshot!'

All Marlena said in response was, "Oh...I see." Roman knew that he'd done it again, referred to the life he planned to live with Isabella, as if Marlena were not going to be a part of it. He reached out to put his hands on her shoulders, planning to turn her toward him again, but she tensed and ducked out from under his touch. Feeling hurt by her rejection, but understanding all the same, he dropped his hands to his sides and apologized, "I'm sorry, Marlena.... it was.. habit as much as anything else. I didn't mean to hurt you. I hope you know that."

She let out a sad sigh, then said, "Yes.. I know that and it's okay, Roman.. I understand, really I do.. but it gets to me sometimes... I want to be the one to share a life with you.. like we did before and when I hear you say things like that it makes me think that.... well, that all you want is a life with her and not me." Despite all her attempts to remain strong and not let the moisture form, Marlena dropped her head and began to cry and he melted at the sight, wanting to take away all her pain, but not knowing exactly how without lying to her. That he could never do; it was a solemn vow he'd made with her long ago. No, the only way to handle the situation was through the use of total honesty, painful as it might be at times.

Roman stepped around to face her, a move she didn't resist. With one hand, he touched her chin and gently tipped it up, so that her eyes met his, and then reached out toward her face to wipe away her tears with the pads of his thumbs, a gesture they each recalled fondly. With infinite tenderness, he said, "Aww, Doc.. please don't cry." His gentleness even elicted a slight smile from her and then he added, "Doc.... that's not true...Believe me, I don't know what's going to happen any more than you do right now. One thing I do know is that... I still love you... and I'm not going to run from that any more, but Marlena... please... try to... understand." She wanted to respond, but realized he had more to say, so she bit her lip to stop herself and waited for him to finish, as painful as it was.

Roman stopped to collect his thoughts, wanting to ensure he didn't hurt her more than was dictated by the situation itself. After a long pause, he expressed the rest of it, "Doc...I can't just.. turn off my feelings for her... It took a long time for me to open my heart to her... and even if... you and I.. get back together... it won't be easy to let her go. I..... care about her too. We can't pretend she doesn't exist... that I didn't fall in love with her. I'm sorry things happened the way they did, but we can't run from that either."

She nodded tearfully, trying to meet his gaze, but not wanting to see his love for Isabella or the pain she knew it caused him to say it so plainly to the woman whose death he'd mourned for five years. Finally, she was able to talk about it, "I know, Roman... it's just so...hard. When we were.. together before... I was the only one.. you never even... looked around.. and I... " Covering her mouth to contain the emotion, but being unsuccessful, she began to weep as she told him how she felt, "Oh... I can't help it... I want it to be like that again, Roman! I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I think I just... need to be.. alone for a little while, Roman, " she cried as she turned her body away from him, feeling embarassed at her open display of emotion.

His heart broke for her... and he desperately wished that God would somehow suddenly make it allright... that he would turn back the clock five years and eliminate the dilemna altogether, that he could take away the pain all three of them were facing, but since that wasn't possible, Roman knew he had to be there for Marlena when she needed him. Walking away while she cried was the last thing he should do, even if that were what she *said* she wanted.

Standing his ground, Roman said very softly, "No... Marlena..you're too upset right now. Please... let me hold you." He said it so sweetly that she found his request impossible to reject. But, she couldn't speak either, so she nodded silently, a few more determined tears finding their way out of her eyes. As he tenderly wrapped his arms around her, she felt a little of the pain fading. His embrace was filled with love and comfort and it was almost like it used to be. For the moment, all of Roman's attention was focused on her, not the other woman. Maybe, over time... she would have all of his heart, and all of his commitment as well. Until then.. being held when she needed it would have to do. How she loved to be wrapped safely and securely within his warm and tender embrace. Marlena sighed contentedly, relishing every moment of it, and she had the sense that he was too. At least it was a start, and a good one at that.

A few yards away, having carried their backpacks full of toys and books inside the cabin, Sami and Eric were watching their parents embrace, and talking about what they had been observing over the past day or so. "They sure do hug each other a lot, don't they?" asked Eric, turning his gaze away from the lake down below them, and toward his parents.

Sami answered matter of factly, saying, "Yea... almost as much as Dad used to do with Isabella, before... Mom returned."

"Sami... do you think Dad's still gonna marry Isabella or stay with... Mom?" Eric, who wasn't sure how he felt, asked curiously.

Sami answered, also not quite certain what she felt about it, saying, "I don't know... I think he... well, it seems like he loves both of them. At least that's what I heard Grandpa say to Grandma the other day... I don't really understand.. do you?"

"Nope... and you know what.. I think it's time for lunch... I'm hungry!" Eric said, enthusiastically changing the subject, as he headed off in the direction of his parents, who were still standing near the Jeep. They would have to quit hugging long enough to help him find something to eat.

"Me too!" agreed Sami, dismissing the concern as quickly as it had arisen, skipping along the path to catch up with her brother. They both had the sense this was going to be one interesting trip to the mountains, with lots of excitment and many potential changes in store by the time it was over.

Lyrics taken from song entitled For the Love Of You written by R. Isley and C. Jasper as performed by Whitney Houston.