Promises Made ch 7

My Christmas Dreams
My Christmas dreams won't come true
For I had hoped to spend that special day with you
We have our little ones too, we were almost a family
But you made a choice and my wish was not to be

My Christmas dreams won't come true
I wanted so much to share them with you
Can't you see how much we need you near
Precious moments like these will soon disappear

Oh, my love....
My Christmas dreams won't come true
With all these wishes, what should I do....

It was two days before Christmas and John was working very hard not to appear sad, for Brady's sake. Brady deserved to have a wonderful, magical Christmas celebration, even if John couldn't be with the woman he loved with all his heart. Belle was going to spend the bulk of the next two days or so with Marlena and Roman and their children, so it was mostly going to be John and Brady on their own. Although he had gotten several invitations by well meaning friends, like the Carvers and Horton's, he felt like he didn't belong anywhere if he couldn't be with Marlena and their children as the family they were supposed to be by now. At least he didn't need to pretend he was married to Kristen anymore, that was something, but it didn't seem to help much. John was feeling very frustrated and depressed about his situation, but decided that moping around moaning and groaning about it wasn't going to make the pain or the reality of the separation go away, so he vowed to make the best of it. "Well, slugger, do you want to go sledding with me today?" he asked his son with muted enthusiasm, as they got dressed and ready for the day.

John didn't like it, but they were staying at the Salem Inn together for the time being; he wanted Brady to be in a loving home environment, but he also decided that it just wasn't right to have the boy spending so much time with the nanny or staying at Marlena's Penthouse when John couldn't be there with him. As a result of the moment of truth he faced the other night when he had essentially been prepared to use his son to back Marlena into a corner, John made it known to his son and anybody who asked that no one other than his own father was going to raise and provide the primary care for Brady. With all the uncertainty that surrounded his future and no matter what happened with Marlena, that was one aspect of his life that he was absolutely certain about.

He remembered his rather intense conversation with Marlena about that issue and where Brady would be staying for the duration of their separation. They were standing in the kid's bedroom at the Penthouse and John was in the process of collecting Brady's things, "John...what about him spending time with Belle, they're practically inseparable these days?" she asked, hoping to change John's mind.

While gathering his son's belongings he said, "Marlena...I'll make arrangements for them to have time together, but he is *my* son and I intend to take full responsibility for him from now on. I am willing to admit that I have neglected him, but no more. From now on, he's going to be staying with me, where he belongs!"

"John...why are you so intent on this?" she had asked him, not quite understanding what was happening between them and what was going on in John's mind.

Still putting things into a duffle bag, he said, "Because I think we've tossed the kids around like a football sometimes and it isn't right. They should take first priority in our lives and I'm going to focus my energy on making sure they know how important they are to me."

He let the frustration stemming from his perception that he was indeed taking second place with her, escape with a cutting remark, "Have you Doc? I suppose that's why they had to drag you away from your ex-husband's bedside to get you to celebrate your own daughter's birthday! When I might add, there were plenty of people around to sit with him."

That one hurt and he knew it. "Oh.. John, that was a low blow and you know it, he was dying!"

John didn't back down in the slightest, "Yes, I know that...but it was Belle's third birthday, she only has one of those, Doc! You could have spared some time for her without having to be coaxed away from the hospital!"

All the bottled-up tension that existed between them was suddenly becoming uncorked and they were letting it get the best of them, speaking out of turn. She shot back at him angrily, "Well, if my memory serves...You were the one who was prepared to go flying off with Stefano to some jungle without even bothering to say goodbye to me or the children, leaving me to explain where Daddy was!"

Now it was John who felt the sting of a flaming arrow and he looked up from his packing to respond in kind, "I did that to save his life.....I did it for YOU! Funny....but I thought once that was all overwith we would finally be able to love each other openly and get married and give the kids the family they want. But...since that didn't happen, I'm going to put *my* energy into making sure Belle and Brady get the attention they need. God knows somebody should."

She was so upset with him and the underlying hostility in every word he spoke and his criticism. Not wanting to discuss the issue any further, she said irritatedly, "Fine...take Brady with you, John. But, you better be ready to come over here in the middle of the night and calm Belle down when she cries for her brother!" Marlena then turned away in anger and that was the end of another very heated argument.

John was jarred from his recollection by Brady's answer, "No, Daddy, I want us to go see Belle...and Momma. I don't understand.. How come we're not married yet and why don't we live with them anymore?"

Just that one inquiry forced out the anger and brought the sadness rushing back to his heart. "Brady... that's a little bit complicated. There are some very grown up reasons why Belle's Mommy and I didn't get married when we were supposed to."

"Don't you love each other anymore, Daddy?" he asked innocently.

Hearing him ask these simple questions caused such pain and John sighed and tried to answer him honestly, "Oh, little buddy, yes we do love each other but.."

Brady interrupted his father, feeling frustrated and confused, "Daddy, you said that you loved Belle's momma and nothing would keep you apart this time, I heard you promise that to her. How come you didn't keep your promise? You told Belle and me that you would always keep your promises."

That was enough to bring tears to his eyes and he shut them briefly to push back the pain, "Yea...I guess I did, didn't I?" John sighed with weariness and said sadly, "Oh, I wish I could answer that one, slugger. I want to be married to Mommy Marlena more than anything in the world...but some things have happened that made is so we couldn't yet. We will...soon. I..." He was about to promise and thought better of it, wondering briefly if indeed it would ever happen. "I guess I can't make you a promise...but I sure do hope we will be married soon, so we can all be a family like we said we would. One thing I do know for sure is that I love her very much and she loves us both and Belle too."

"Okay, Daddy I'll try to be patient like you said. I just miss Belle and Momma a whole bunch!" the boy cried, his tiny tears beginning to fall, making small streaks of moisture on his cheeks.

"So do I, Brady..so do I," John said as he pulled his son into a warm embrace. As they were hugging, the phone rang. "Hello," he said quietly.

It was the object of their discussion, "John....it's me... I just wanted to see how you and Brady were doing."

John couldn't quite keep the sarcasm and the slightly bitter tone from his voice, "We're fine....you don't have to keep checking up on us, Marlena. We wouldn't want to spoil your... plans or anything."

"Oh, John I was hoping that you would be past this....negative attitude by now. "

Hearing the singing voices and hearty laughter of Roman and the other kids in the background, he decided he didn't want to think about it anymore or be reminded of what he and his son were missing out on and said somewhat exasperatedly, "Look, Doc...Brady and I were on our way out the door, unless you want to make some kind of a change in the arrangements or something, I gotta go."

She heard Brady start to say, "No we weren't Daddy, why did you..." and then there were muffled voices before she heard John say more, "Sorry about that, I have to go now, Doc.. see you..sometime."

"John...please don't be this way...I just couldn't bear to hurt him..again."

"Right, Doc you don't want to hurt him, but it's okay to.... Oh, never mind...just forget it... Like I said, Brady and I have things to do now. Bye, Doc." She could practically feel his heart breaking over the phone, his voice was shaky with emotion.

Marlena attempted to reassure him of her love and commitment to him, "John...please, I love you very much and I want to marry you, you know that..."

Shaking his head at her statement, he disagreed sadly, "No, Doc...I don't know much of anything where we're concerned.... In case you didn't realize it, I hurt too, Doc.." He mumbled it again, "I get hurt too." He spoke in whispers as he hung up the phone, a few tears beginning to slip out around the corners of his eyes.

Brady could see how upset his father was, "Don't cry Daddy...we just have to be patient..right?"

"Right...slugger, that's right," John said as he wiped a wayward tear from his slightly flushed cheek. "Let's go do something fun together okay?" he asked, trying hard to find a smile for his son's benefit.

"Yea..let's go sledding like you said, Daddy! I found a really good hill at the golf course when I went the other day, my friend Billy showed me!" his son said excitedly, having already moved on from his moment of sadness.

John wanted to follow his lead and said more cheerfully, "Allright, then let's go on over there and you can show me too!" They gave each other high fives, grabbed their coats, hats, and gloves and were off for a day of father-son play.

As she heard the phone click, she realized even more fully what she was doing to John. Just because he was strong and physically healthy didn't mean he wasn't suffering. He always hid his pain so well and she had been so focused on the fact that Roman was ill and almost died that she didn't recognize just how difficult all the waiting was for John. Now, he was feeling like she was putting Roman's needs and feelings first and didn't care about how it was affecting John or their children. "Oh, John... I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to do. Roman had so much taken from him...I couldn't turn him down when he asked me to spend Christmas with him and the children." In her mind, she heard John saying wounded words in response, some of which he never actually uttered, but which his eyes and expression had told her when they had their last heated discussion in reference to telling Roman the whole truth about their relationship. "What about Belle and Brady and their Christmas, Marlena? They're little children and they were so excited about us being together this year. Brady's been asking me why we aren't a family yet, when we promised him we would all be together at Christmas time. The fact of the matter is that you're choosing to be with Roman and your... other family over us, even though he already knows about our love. I won't lie about it and tell you that it doesn't hurt me....it hurts a lot, Marlena and not just for me! To tell you the truth, I just don't understand it and I don't know if I ever will."

That conversation, which took place a few days earlier when John informed her that he wasn't taking Brady to Italy for the holidays after all, had started out pleasantly and ended angrily, as was true of most of their discussions lately. It all boiled down to the same issue, when she would talk to Roman and confirm what he already knew. John couldn't understand her reasons for not following through on the decision they made during a conversation they had on the pier, which had taken place almost a week ago now. They hadn't really spoken much since the second significant argument on the Pier later that same night, except for another fight or two. There was the one she just thought of and the one about where Brady should stay, and now...there went another unpleasant phone contact. John was definitely very displeased with her choices and wasn't going to warm up to her until she took the action he wanted. Marlena didn't like being pushed to do something when she wasn't ready. It was a very tense standoff and both of them were frustrated and quite miserable about being apart at the holidays, however, there didn't seem to be any resolution in sight, much to their mutual dismay.

She sighed with exhaustion as she replaced the phone on its stand and sat down on her bed, wondering what the future held. "Oh, John....what are we going to do? I'm sorry that you're angry with me and we can't be together, but I can't do what you want, not yet...he's just not strong enough. I have to wait and hope you'll still be there when I do." She heard that little voice in the back of her head again, "Yes...but that doesn't mean you can't share Christmas between the two families. John is right, you should spend some time with him and the other two children in your life. Belle and Brady need you as much or more than Sami, Carrie and Eric do." She decided that it was true and started formulating a plan to make the situation work out for everybody. It wasn't fair to neglect her other family in favor of the Brady's. Marlena would find a way to share herself between them, even if it took all of her energy to do it.