Unfounded Fears
Part 14
"Dad's outside," Kelly commented as she pulled the sedan into the driveway.
"What's he doing?"
"He's sitting on the porch swing." Kelly could see the drawn features of her father's face. He looked tired. . .old. . .defeated. These were not things she was accustomed to witnessing in him.
Kelly pulled the car into the garage. Annie opened the door and unerringly made her way outside to join her husband on the porch. She climbed the stairs slowly, waiting for some greeting or other response from the man. There was nothing.
Kelly followed her stepmother. Her eyes drifted from the petite blond woman to Paul. Her father sat quietly in the swing, eyes diverted to the ground, as if ashamed to allow them to meet Annie's.
"Are you not even going to ask how your son is?" Annie said flatly.
Paul was silent, eyes continuing to concentrate on the nails in the porch. She was not going to make this easy on the man. They could stay forever like this but he was going to give her some response. "The doctor said that he could come home tomorrow morning. There's no sign of internal damage." Paul remained silent, his eyes never leaving the porch. "He's still pretty sore. He's having problems with nightmares again."
Kelly watched her father flinch at Annie's last words. Paul knew better than anyone how horrible Peter's nightmares could be.
She saw the older man shift his position in the swing. He then brought guilty eyes up to meet Kelly's. Kelly, feeling suddenly self-conscious, shrugged her shoulders, shook her head and returned to the garage, leaving her parents alone.
Paul watched his daughter leave him. The simple act made it clear that she was not going to defend his actions. He couldn't blame her. The past few hours of self-examination had made him realize there was no basis for a defense.
His eyes returned to look at the porch. He took a deep breath. "Honey, I'm so sorry."
Annie didn't move forward. The words coming from Paul's lips were words she had already heard once today. She didn't care to hear them again. "Not good enough, Paul."
Paul's eyes raised to gaze upon his wife's delicate features. "I know." He stood and approached the woman. He reached out a hesitant hand to hers. The contact caused her to jerk her hand away as if suddenly burned. Paul tried to overlook the response and instead reached forward quickly to grab his wife's hand again. This time, Annie allowed the touch. "I've had a lot of time to think," Paul whispered.
"And?"
"And I know that I don't understand what is happening to me. . .why I feel the way I do. But I have come to one conclusion."
Annie said nothing. She wanted desperately to hear certain words come from Paul's lips. Words that would show her that her husband had come to his senses; that he now understood the damage of what he was doing to Peter. However, she was equally as fearful that the next words would break her heart; that the conclusion reached would be one echoing defeat.
Paul continued, voice quiet. "I've come to the conclusion that while I may not understand my place in Peter's life, I do want desperately to be in it."
Paul's first words caused Annie's breath to catch in her chest. Her husband's voice dropped to a whisper. "The alternative is unbearable. I can't live with that kind of pain."
Annie fought the overwhelming urge to take her husband into her arms; allow him to break against her strength. The words must come. He needed to say them, no matter how hard they were to verbalize. Similarly, she needed to hear them.
Paul waited for his wife's response. He then realized that she had clinched her jaw shut. She had no intention of interrupting. "I know that you don't understand how I feel. And I know that I can't help what has been building inside of me. But I do know that I need Peter in my life more than I need the reassurances that I am an important part of his."
"So what do you intend to do about it?" Annie fought to keep her words cold and analytical. She was not going to make this easy on him.
Paul squeezed the woman's hands lovingly. "I'm going to go visit my son. Make sure he's doing okay."
"And?" Annie pushed again.
"And, I'm going to apologize for being such an ass."
Annie couldn't help the grin which turned up the corners of her mouth at Paul's words. Paul saw the smile and felt a warmth growing within the center of his being. "And I thought I might ask Peter to join us at the cabin for a couple of days. Give us a chance to do some talking; like we did before."
Annie shook her head, "No."
Paul's eyes narrowed, "No?"
"This is something you need to do by yourself, Paul. You don't need me there to run defense for you."
"You won't go?"
"No. Take Peter there. Talk. Spend some time together. I think you both need this." Annie pulled Paul into her arms, allowing the barrier between them to fall. "I'll be here for you when you get back."
Paul buried his face into her blond hair. "I was worried there for a minute."
She pulled her husband closer and squeezed his sides affectionately, "Never doubt that Paul. No matter how pig-headed and stubborn you decide to be, I'll always be here for you."
Paul chuckled, "That's a great comfort."
He released the woman. "I'm going to the hospital now. I have some apologizing to do."
Annie nodded. She heard the jingling of car keys as they left his jacket pocket. She knew instantly that he had come to this decision long before she and Kelly had returned home. But it didn't matter. He was finally taking a step to repair the damage he had done the night before. That was all she could ask for. That was all that mattered now.
****************************
Caine shifted position in the chair ever so slightly. He had been watching his son sleep for a long while, enjoying the nearness, observing the subtleties of his child's subconscious expressions. However, he knew Peter's sleep was not peaceful. Fears interfered.
The conversation with Annie had brought back many of his own fears that he thought he had pushed aside. He remembered his doubts at his place in Peter's life. . .his concerns that Peter could only call one man father and that Paul was the one he had chosen.
In time, Kwai Chang Caine had realized the error of his beliefs. He had come to the determination that Peter Caine, his son, had more than enough love to give to both men. Why this concept was so difficult to grasp from the beginning eluded him. His entire life had been spent preaching that love knew no boundaries. He knew that to be true, but self-doubt made him a hypocrite to his own words.
"You were afraid," came the whispered response. Caine turned, slightly startled. He had been so absorbed in his own thoughts about his son that he had not heard Lo Si's approach.
"Yes." Caine answered simply.
"But you are not anymore." Lo Si stated as he approached Peter's bedside.
"Not as often," Caine pointed out in honesty.
Lo Si nodded and smiled slightly, "Fear is a difficult enemy to conquer." He sat in the chair, observing the young detective. "Peter's thoughts are disturbed."
"Yes. He too has fears which are difficult to defeat."
"Father and son must find a way to fight these fears together. The damage to the heart must be repaired," Lo Si concluded.
"I will help him in any way I can," Caine resolved.
"No, Kwai Chang Caine. You are not the father who can repair the damage," Lo Si corrected.
"Captain Blaisdell?" Caine tilted his head, his eyes revealing his curiosity.
Lo Si nodded, "Peter's pain is not about you, my friend. It is about his other father."
Caine sat back in his chair, a slight sound of defeat in his voice. "Then I am unable to help my son."
"You can help. When the time comes, you will know what you must do. . . and what you must not do."
Caine tilted his head in confusion. The words of the old master made no sense.
Kwai Chang Caine started to press for more details from Lo Si, but a sound of a knock at the door disrupted his thoughts.
"May I come in?"
End Part 14
To Part 15