List complete, I grabbed my purse. The house was silent. Elmore was asleep, the twins had gone to preschool earlier in the morning and when it came time to release them, Ryan and Jade had gone to make a day of it at the Mall O'Excess. Moving slowly, Ryan was attempting to establish the new family. Where Bill was on the property I had no clue. We were pretty depleted, and it was time to hit the grocery store. Normally Jade and I made the trip together but since she was going to do some bonding time in Camp Snoopy, I would handle the detail alone. I was a little nervous, but managing.

I turned, to see Bill striding across the yard towards me.

This, I told myself, should be interesting. Bill was right there to eat. I had always wondered if he knew how much things were costing. I knew there'd been no reason to care when he was alone, but his current situation was entirely different. Elmore had always been a good eater, not to mention an easily pleased one. He went through a tremendous amount of bottled water. Ryan enjoyed a simple diet of meat and potatoes--if Jade or I had constructed a casserole he was every bit as likely to prepare his own dinner as to eat what we'd fixed. There were no complaints, he would simply move to the side of the stove and go to work. For Sam, food was fuel. He was more than happy to eat whatever he found. If he was hungry and away from the house, he would do the General Tso's shuffle and a white carton of leftovers would show up in the fridge for Elmore to vacuum up. The two children ate whatever they were served. Bill… well… he could be a challenge.

Bill had fetched his jacket and was joining me by way of the front of the house. I deferred to his desire to drive the Excursion and settled beside him in the passenger seat.

I patted his solid middle. With a soft growl he removed my hand and placed it on my knee. Hard.

This from the Queen of Impulse Buying to the Reigning Emperor of Same.

Bill wheeled my impulsively purchased humongo-truck into a parking space and we went inside. His head was turning constantly and I felt a hand at the small of my back. I knew what he was on the lookout for, and I felt confident there was no threat that could get to me with him there.

Bill made a face at the big bunch of bananas I dropped in the cart. I followed this with apples and oranges.

Sam's favorite snack followed the fruit.

A large hand took hold of my hip and twisted. I stood my ground. He gave up in disgust. I finished with salad in bags, plus carrots and potatoes and caramel fruit dip for the apples. It was a fairly quick sprint through produce--we had grapes and grapefruit at home, among other things that had become necessities.

Bill barged through health foods and the floral department. Nothing there he needed. He stopped at the Brach's Pick-a-Mix display.

He would probably get his way when he hit the real bulk candy on the other side of the store.

Bill stopped at the live lobster tank, a fixture of most seafood counters.

Apparently, he hadn't heard me.

I patted his cheek and moved towards the lunchmeat. Turkey and ham tended to disappear. I had seen William eat his share of it. When I turned around, there was a crown roast in the cart.

I shoved the roast into his arms and glared at him until he returned it to the butcher.

Next we fought evilly over packages of center-cut pork chops. Center cut, yet! Bill took two family packages and dropped them into the cart, then walked away. I took them out and walked away. Bill put them back and headed off. I flung them back and was distracted by chicken. When I returned, the chops were back.

Flat voice, flat stare, just the sort of thing Strannix found amusing. He added two ten pound packages of hamburger to the cart.

I thought my eyes were going to stick in the rolled position.

Reluctantly, Bill put the packages back in the meat case.

Knowing Bill, with that horror of wasting money, a freezer and a meat plan would shortly land in my lap. Little did I know what I was about to see.

From meat we passed through to the bakery, another trap for the foolish. Bill gravitated towards the jelly rolls. I knew that he had a sweet tooth and he'd shamelessly indulged it. Such cheap and dirty energy had doubtless often saved his sturdy neck. Now he was just being silly.

Bill added a third, chocolate, roll. Then he allowed me to move on to the deli.

I bought half a pound of pepper popcorn chicken and nudged him until he took it. I thought it would keep him occupied. Man, was I wrong. He tossed the little chicken hunks into his mouth and found an incredible amount of trouble.

I bought two packages of a dozen and a half eggs and moved clear before people could figure out he was my problem.

I tried to escape down the aisle of bargains or whatever they were calling it. But this point, Bill was on a roll.

I had a cabinet full of baking mixes.

Bill stopped at a sample table, coming away with a club cracker coated with some weird jelly. He got a jar. I waited until he wasn't looking and ditched it.

I let him keep two of the four boxes of potato chips, and one of the three bags of cheez curls. What the big ox refused to understand was that Jade and I went so often we rarely spent more than a hundred and thirty dollars. Bill was buying like they were going to close the doors.

Christ! I kept telling myself he meant well. I had to.

He settled for six packages of buttermilk biscuits. I cut that down to four. He developed a twitch in his arm with the English muffins. That was okay. They went as fast as we bought them. He darted around the cold case and returned with two gallons of chocolate milk. The cart was loaded and we hadn't even reached the canned goods.

Bill yanked me into his side, briefly, before loading up on Evian. Elmore was perfectly satisfied with Mendota Springs, but I was running out of fight.

The next aisle was evil. I bought canned soups. Bill found every cookie he'd eaten as a boy.

The next couple of aisles I escaped relatively unscathed--if you could call thirty-six boxes of macaroni and cheese, three gallons of salsa and half a case of jello pudding unscathed. Bill wasn't much interested in cleaning fluid and vegetables and lasagna noodles.

I indicated the macaroni boxes.

Discretion was the better part of survival and I still had bulk and frozen to get through.

Something just about two dollars a loaf. The man was mad.

While I was loading up on the store brand, two pans of lasagna landed in the groaning cart and he had disappeared. Before I could say anything even to myself he had returned with fifteen pizzas.

I told myself to calm down, repeatedly. Both carts were overflowing and I had no idea what I was supposed to do with all the frozen goods. The little ones liked toaster waffles and Elmore and Sam each liked Red Baron breakfast pizzas. I regarded the frozen vegetables and the bagged chicken breasts with dawning horror. Bill was over in the bulk candy filling up a trash bag with chocolates, but even if I got out without ice cream I was sunk.

I still needed dog and cat food, cat liter, soap and deodorant and shampoo. I could scarcely budge the carts anymore. Three four-gallon pails of Blue Bunny landed on top of the still expanding pile.

I felt a little better, I had to admit. When Bill promised to take care of things, they were usually very well taken care of. But where did he intend to put a freezer?

My timing could have been better, since he had a number thirteen can of vegetables in his hand and I knew how hard he could throw things. he dropped the can heavily into the bag and moved on without replying. It didn't mean there wouldn't be reprisals.

I was afraid he would yell when he saw, but he paid out just under $450.00 without so much as a sound. He jammed the back of the Excursion full and instructed me to send Elmore with the Hummer and the utility trailer as soon as the car was unloaded. As I watched, he took off across the parking lot. No kiss, no sweet words, just taking care of business. I drove my groaning car home and didn't notice that I was being followed by a Lincoln.