You Think THIS Is Hot!

The phone rang. What was I supposed to do, look at it?

Ed:  Sam...I saw Billy just last night.

Sam:  Good girl!  What'd he say?

Billy poked me in the side, hard.  He and One had fought a pitched 
battle over the remote, and now Billy was insisting that I sit beside him
on the couch while he channel surfed.  The only reason Billy was around at 
all was the fact that Beth had yet to show up back in Lubbock.

Sam:  He say anything else?

Ed:  The usual profanities and threats, nothing out of the ordinary.

Billy got hold of a handful of my side and pinched.  I jerked myself 
away and swallowed a howl of outrage.  If I bellowed, Sam's radar would go
on.  I contented myself with hammering on his leg.  He didn't appear to
feel it.

Sam:  I want to ask you if you're willing to do something, girl.

Ed:  You know I'll do anything to help, Sam.

Billy made a simpering face, then stabbed his finger down his throat.
Three giggled, and I made a violent shushing motion at the boy.

Sam:  Darlin', would you be willing to wear a wire?

Darlin'?  Darlin'??  Migod, Gerard...was he trying to kill me?  Beth, 
the man is brutal, I thought.  Billy was eyeing me closely, leaning over 
to eavesdrop.  I planted my free hand in the center of his forehead to 
shove him away.  He put me in a headlock, dragged my head down, planted my
skull on his shoulder so he could hear both sides of the conversation.

Ed:  A wire?  Oh, no-no-no, no way!  Sam, I love you to pieces, you know
that, but a wire is right out!

Sam:  Spare me the cheap Python.  Why?

Ed:  Billy smells that stuff the way dogs smell...well...other dogs.  He'd
just know.  I put on a wire and I've got a buzzsaw to fight.

Billy:  Hey...buzzsaw...I like that.

I buried my elbow in his midsection.  The headlock loosened up, but not
enough for me to get loose.

Sam:  Are you all right, girl?

Sam's voice was sharp, commanding.  It sounded like there was a blip on
the Dawg's radar.  If it bore any resemblance to the blip on my couch, I
was going to have to talk fast.

Ed:  Sure, I'm just peachy.  Why do you ask?

Sam:  You sound tense.

Ed:  You're asking me to wear a wire, Sam, what do you think I have in my
veins?  Freon?  Of course I'm tense.

Sam:  It's more than just that.  Is there somebody there with you?

Ed:  The usual gang of idiots.  Minor dependants.  Also the dogs, one or
two of the bigger cats and I think the ferret might be on the loose.  
Anybody I forgot?

Sam:  I'll try to be patient.

Ed:  You like those backhanded threats, don't you?

Sam:  That's the way you want it, fine.  I can have somebody there in twenty
minutes, or I can be there myself in an hour.

Ed:  One for you, sir.  No, other than the boys and the beasts, I'm all by 
my lonesome.  Number Two's torquing up to start a fight because I'm on the
phone, that's all.

One and Three, basking in the reflected light from Billy's holy aura,
glanced at Two, who was half asleep in the chair I normally used.

Sam:  Put him on a minute.

Ed:  Oh, he took off downstairs.  It's cool.

Sam:  Okay then, Darlin'.  Now, about that wire.  Why won't you do that for
me?

Darlin' again.  And do it 'for him'.  He was really playing dirty.

Ed:  That's like asking why I won't play tag with a bus.  I don't have a
death wish.

Sam:  He's a wuss, girl, I told you that already.  He won't hurt you.

Ed:  Couple of little dudes on the Missouri you should tell that to.

Sam:  Not the same thing at all.  I know his type.  Trust me on this.  
You'll be perfectly safe, I promise.

Ed:  How can you promise that, Sam?  What are you going to do, stick the
transmitter up my keister?  I never know when he's gonna show up, he moves
strictly on Billy-time, you know that.

Sam:  Will you at least think about it?

Ed:  Yes, I'll think about it.

Billy's hand was poised, clawlike, over my side.

Sam:  Have you heard from Beth?

Ed:  No.  I didn't expect to.

Sam:  Will you let me know, when you do.

Ed:  Of course I will.  But she's going to be keeping her head down for a
while, I'm sure of it.

Sam:  Well...let me know.  Anyway, you keep in touch or I'll be in touch.

Ed:  I know Sam, I'll talk to you.

Billy finally let me out of the headlock.

Billy:  You put on a wire and he'll be pullin' it out of your ass.

Ed:  I'm not wearing any wire, now shut the hell up.  You'd figure it out
and spend the next six years talking about Space Ghost.  After you shoved
it up my butt.

Billy:  You know me too well.  I don't know if I like that.

Ed:  Takes away the element of surprise.  Poor baby.

The phone rang again.  Three headed for the bathroom.  Billy drained
his beer and took shameless advantage of Three's willingness to fetch
things for him.

Ed:  Hello?

Sam:  Sam again, girl.  Something I forgot to mention...

Billy:  Hey, when you finish drainin' the lizard, bring me another beer,
y'little fartknocker!

Sam:  Dammit!  You lied to me, girl...

Ed:  Oh, boy.  Gotta run!  Bye!

I smashed the phone down, rolled off the couch and started hauling at
the first piece of Billy I could lay my hands on, his leg.

Ed:  Out, out, out!

Billy:  What the hell!

Ed:  That was Sam, you numb dork!  He heard you!  I'll bet money half the
world's on the way right now!

Billy:  You boys get some stuff together quick.  You're going with me.

Ed:  I can't!  I might as well get the inquisition over with, he'll
shake me down one way or the other.

Billy wasn't listening and the boys had disappeared into their rooms.
Billy was busy dialling the telephone.  He was calling the Skeptic.

Billy:  Hey, Darlin', Billy Strannix...we met a while back?...Yeah, baby, 
do me a favor?  Come on down here and house-sit the zoo for five-six days?
...

Ed:  How'd you get her number?

Billy:  ...hang on a sec, baby, this damn fool's on my neck...She's in the
book, now shut up...yeah...why?...I need you to...

Ed:  Leave her out of this, Billy.  She doesn't know Sam, he'll scare the
liver out of her!

Billy:  ...no, just her again, stay with me here, Darlin'...Deputy Dawg's
the 'honorable' sort, he'll just stake the house out and nail your ass to
the wall when you get back.

Ed:  And where will you be?

Billy:  Me?  Right here...no harm in takin' a little trip with friends, is
there, now shut your face and let me work...yeah, that's right, just a few
days...you will?...no, no Tyrus, baby...what a woman, I owe you, Darlin'...
no I won't forget...now?...sure, we'll wait, but make it quick...bye, baby.

Billy hung up, wearing an unbearable smirk.  The boys were assembling,
with full duffels.

Billy:  Get your gear, woman.

Ed:  How'd you do that?

Billy:  Do what?

Ed:  Con her like that.

Billy:  Didn't con anybody.  Outside, you three, in the car.  For all we 
know, the Dawg's got somebody headed south from St Paul right now.

After Billy had softened up the Skeptic a little more, leaving her no
less skeptical but a great deal less glacial than previously, Billy
turned the Suburban south.

Ed:  Where are we going?

#3:  Texas.

This was a response I'd learned at my mother's knee, and other joints.
I routinely used it when I didn't want to reveal my destination to
prospective passengers.  Now Three thought he'd be cute with it.

Ed:  Hush, you.  I'm serious.

Billy:  Turns out the fartknocker's right.  We're going to Lubbock.

Ed:  I just got back from there!  I don't wanna go to Lubbock again!

Billy:  You want some cheese with that whine?  Babalooey won't expect you
to head back that way so quick.

Ed:  I don't wanna go down there again!  It's hot down there!

Billy:  It's hot in hell, too.  You wanna go there?

Ed:  Oh, you're cute.  I like you.

Billy:  Maybe you'd rather play with the Dawg?  He'll make it damn hot for
y'all.

Ed:  Words of encouragement like that can hardly fail ro inspire me.

Billy:  Listen, grunts, we're in business now and the business is raisin'
hell.  You guys with me?

There was a roar of assent from the back of the Suburban.  I gave up and
hunkered down for the long haul.  Eventually I fell into a thin sleep, from
which I woke a time or two.  Regaining consciousness once, I glanced over
at Billy's speedometer.  it was one of those digital jobs GM likes to stick
people with, featuring a readout three inches high in nuclear accident
green.  These particular digits read '92'.  One of Billy's boots was cocked
up against the A-pillar while the other rested comfortably between the
accelerator and the brake.

Ed:  Billy!  Slow down, man, you get pulled over and we're all sunk!

Billy:  Settle down, baby, we're not gonna get pulled over.

Ed:   The posted limit's only 65 through here.

Billy:  Post this!  no way I'm fartin' along at no 65 miles per.  I've got
places to go, people to see.

Ed:  I'm sure the police will take that into consideration when we're being
hauled in.

Billy:  Shut your trap, woman.  I don't drive fast, I fly low.

Ed:  Glad to hear it, Sky King.  Hope you have a radar detector.

Billy:  I got a jammer on this puppy.  You know what they say.

Ed:  No, tell me.

Billy:  Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on.

I stared at the maniac for a minute or two, but he was thoroughly
unintimidated.  So I dropped off again.  Some time later, a chirping sound
pulled me awake again.  It was Billy's cellphone, doubtless illegal.

Billy:  Yeah...hey, boy, where you at?...where you goin'?...'bout two hours 
out, maybe less if I kick 'er down...

Ed:  Kick 'er down.  Kick 'er DOWN!  We're at ramming speed the way it is.

Billy:  Shut up and go to sleep...yeah, boy, see you then...

Ed:  Who was that?

Billy:  Speak the language?  I said go to sleep.

Ed:  You're gonna put some damn old lunatic in the car with my boys, I
think I deserve to know who it is.

Billy:  Oh, these lily white little angels.  Tellin' me how to make a
vinegar bomb and laughin' about how they put a flamin' bag of dogshit on
the neighbor's step...gimme a break.  Go to sleep.

He refused to say another word to me, knowing I would crash before long.
He was right.  I next woke up in front of the bus station in Kansas City by
a voice with a familiar lilt.

Ed:  Ryan?

Ryan:  Ah, lass, never thought I'd see you again so soon.

One stirred in his sleep.

Billy:  Don't get that big one goin', Ryan.  Man, his tongue's hung in the
middle so it can run on both ends.

Ryan:  Never fear, lad.

Ed:  But what are you doing so far from Boston?

Ryan:  Yon wee man in Chicago's makin' it pretty toasty for me there, after
me to see if I know what Billy-boy's into.  So I decided to take me foot in 
me hand and see some of your fine land, and when things quiet down, I'll
head back where I belong.

I was completely mystified.  'Yon wee man in Chicago'?  Who was that?

Ed:  Who's on your back, Ryan?

Ryan:  The wee policeman...what's his name?  Sam?

Billy saw my eyes widen, heard me suck in a deep breath.  Next I would
be rowfing laughter at the moon at the top of my lungs.

Billy:  Muzzle that female, Gaerity, or she'll wake those boys up.  She's
about to blow.

Ryan slipped a big hand over my mouth and held it there until the urge
to disintegrate gradually left me.  He murmured gently, and his lyrical
voice had a tremendous calmative effect.  Even so, I couldn't quit giggling
entirely.  Each time the phrase came back to me I chortled helplessly,
doubling up in the seat and laughing until my side ached and my head was 
pounding.  I'd settle down and catch my breath until the next time.  And
so we continued through the night, racing southward.  Somewhere behind us,
Sam was on the move.

TO BE CONTINUED...