The Films of Tommy Lee Jones
as reviewed by Jade Riordan
In no particular order:
The Betsy
I liked Angelo Perino, and then I hated him. I continue to hate him to this day.
The Park Is Mine
"Get naked."
No. I don't think so. Get a brain transplant and call me in the morning.
Volcano
Children must be put in small boxes.
Send Mike Roark home with me…lose the cheesy shirt first, though. Boxers…mmmmmmm……boxers.
The Fugitive
Does the word 'overkill' mean anything to you?
Rolling Thunder
Johnny Vohden.
Point. Less.
Prop. Here. Yes. Hold a gun. That's nice. Next.
Black Moon Rising
Dumb car. John Carpenter. Stupid B-movie bad guy. Blonde. Biiiiiig Bubba Smith. Itty-bitty Tommy Lee.
Nice threads, though.
The Big Town
George Cole. Bad tie tac. Bad hair. Bad suits. Small mitigating factor - he decks Matt Dillon in the face. Next.
Batman Forever
Harvey Dent. Bad hair, bad suits. Nice hair, nice suits. It's a guy, it's a freak, it's a guy, it's a freak…AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Sorry,
Under Siege
Oh. Shut. Up.
Blown Away
I've been instructed to inform you all that this film was a damned lie. Thank you.
The Package
Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman, doing Gene Hackman things. Blah-blah-blah. Tommy Lee gets in Gene Hackman's way. Bad plan, Tommy Lee. Poor dead Tommy Lee. Gene Hackmsn saves the world, again.
The River Rat
Ugly kid. Pretty Tommy Lee. Wet Tommy Lee. Brian Dennehy collecting check.
US Marshals
The plot couldn't find its way out of a paper bag. Sam, Sam, Sam. Team, team, team.
Noah, Noah, Noah. Dead, dead, dead. Blah, blah, blah.
Broken Vows
The opening music, which resounds of 70's cop shows and bad TV movies full of people with afros should be the first clue that this movie is bad.
See Tom. See Tom run. Run, Tom, run. See Tom drink. Drink, Tom, drink. See Tom sleep. Sleep, Tom, sleep. See Jade drool. Drool, Jade, drool.
Nate and Hayes
Pants. Boots. Beard. Please. Kill me.
The Eyes of Laura Mars
Faye Dunaway should have been destroyed before the filming of this movie so that we wouldn't have had to put up with her nasty, buggy, freaky eyes. Go, John, go! Kill, kill, annihilate, stab…oh.
He does look good in the pants, though.
Gotham
Eddie Mallard. Who needs clothing? Walking across my screen about fifty billion times. Next.
Lonesome Dove
I spent a month watching it last week. Kenny Rogers on quaaludes. Enough said.