Our Manifesto.
We at the definitive page have long intended to define and adequately express our approach to this website, and lately our therapist had recommended we do so. Therefore, we ask your kind indulgence as we state our aims for this waste of time and bandwidth. We will do so in the question and answer format made popular on gameshows of years gone.
What in the hell are you trying to pull here?
Girls just wanna have fun.
Why pick on Tommy Lee Jones?
Why not?
No, really. Why not go bother somebody else?
We are admirers of Mr. Jones' immense talents, strong work ethic and ferocious protection of his privacy. Mr. Jones has shown a spectacular level of derision for people just such as we, even to ripping a woman a new face in the Barbie aisle of a toy department. We firmly believe and unequivocally state that if you invade the man's space, you deserve everything you get. Which explains why, if he showed up on the north end of our street, we would be beating ass for the south end.
So, since you're such smartasses, are there things you won't talk about?
Yup.
Can we ask what they'd be?
Sure. Go right ahead.
What in hell are they, then???
Calm your ass down.
No wonder you get kicked out of things!
Oh, well. You finished?
You're crazy!
So they tell us. You wanna hear this or not?
Grrr. I asked, didn't I?
Okay. Here it is, and we'll only say it once. We will not speculate about his personal life. Neither his children nor his chosen companions nor his known places of residence will be considered fit subjects for this site unless such subjects can be mentioned in general terms. An example would be the San Saba weather forecast. On the other hand, shots at polo will be taken whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Why polo?
It's ridiculous. Mr. Jones has stated that his chosen hobby is not limited to rich men. We're sure he believes every word of that. Polo has also been called "The Sport of Kings" and most kings we've heard of are pretty well set for life.
What do you pretend to know about polo anyway?
The first recorded and recognizable version of polo was played in or near what is now Afghanistan. With the heads of Afghani enemies. Later, they substituted the heads of calves. Any more questions?
Eugh.
No shit.
He looks so hot in his polo pants, though!
Oh, shut up.
So what will you write about here?
Every character the man has ever played is fair game. They're not real people and there is no profit to be made so the rightful owners have no need to fear lost revenue. We will never be in a position to know the actor, but we can do whatever we want with the fruits of his labors. So… we hope to kick ass and take names in harmony with our universe.
The Definitive Management.