Ryan slept most of the way
to Lubbock, which suprised me. I've only seen him sleep on rare occasions, and
those were mostly with me. This time, he slept deep. I wondered what had
exhausted him, and why he needed to get to Texas so bad. Bad enough to ask me
to take him there.
During a long stretch through Missouri, I started drifting off myself and
decided to pull into a rest stop to get a couple of hours of sleep. When I woke
up, it was dark, and he was watching me.
I smiled.
Jade: What're you looking at?
Ryan: My solitude.
I dropped my eyes, unable to speak. He had that power. I realized that my
hand had disappeared in his. He was rubbing my fingers lightly, lingering over
the delicate webbing between them. My voice was a hoarse whisper, probably from
the sleep.
Jade: How'd you sleep? Most I think I've seen you rest since I've known you.
His response came in a low rumble.
Ryan: when I close my eyes, I see your face. It usually reminds me that you're
not near...
Jade: It's not that I dont want to be... wanna listen to some music?
I reached for the radio, but he stopped me.
Ryan: You always run from me.
I rubbed my forehead and tried to gather my thoughts. I hadn't expected this
onslaught from him.
Jade: I just cant do it again. I can't support your Cause. It's not what I
believe in anymore.
Ryan: You're getting who I am confused with what I do.
Jade: What you do is who you are, Ryan. It consumes you...
Ryan: I've changed.
Jade: Have you?
He gave me a hard stare.
Ryan: You don't trust me.
I sighed.
Jade: I dont trust anyone...
Ryan: Let me be the one you trust...
His fingers slid over my wrist, up my arm, and I shivered inwardly.
Ryan: ... let me be your light.
I'd heard the lofty speech before, and fought against it in vain.
Jade: You're not God, Ryan.
He moved close, close, both of his hands enclosing my own, gently.
Ryan: Let me be yours.
He took my chin in his hand and lifted it until I could see him.
Ryan: Do you love your life?
My answer came quickly.
Jade: no.
Ryan: I can give you what you need.
Jade: You don't know what I need.
Ryan: Yes, lass, I do. You have a fire in the pit of your stomach and it
threatens to sear your soul. I can give you direction for that intensity, far
greater than your pencils and your paints can take you. I can give you purpose.
Walk with me.
His words hit me. I had many reasons to hate my life, and he knew most of
them. He took the back of my head, the base of my skull, in one hand and gently
brought it closer to his own face, which held the ghosts of his own life,
etched into every line.
Ryan: Let me be your teacher. Let me be your solace. Walk with me.
I swallowed hard, words stuck in my throat.
Ryan: All you have to do is trust.
Jade: ... I'm ... scared ...
He straightened up, released me.
Ryan: You do not want. I'll not speak of it again.
I felt the cold hit me like a pound of ice in the chest. Out of desperation,
before the thought passed through my brain, it flew from my lips.
Jade: God damnit, don't you fucking turn away from me! Don't you understand
that I'd be *dead* if you weren't there...?!?!?
Christ. That was it. I had let it all out. If he didn't already know, he
knew now. I was acutely aware of how vulnerable I was at that moment, and I
tried to turn away. I started the car and made a move to put in gear.
His voice was quiet, but the cold had vanished.
Ryan: What do you want, love?
My knuckles had gone white from holding the wheel, but I couldn't stop my
mouth from running.
Jade: To be happy.
Ryan: Then turn away from the life you have made for yourself.
I focused on the darkness outside the windshield and instinctively tried to
make out shapes and shadows. But my attention was elsewhere, his voice. Hushed.
Ryan: Walk with me.
Jade: and where would we go...?
Ryan: Wherever I am called.
I shuddered and leaned forward, my forehead touching the cool vinyl of the
steering wheel. My tears were forming a small pool on the surface of the drive
shaft.
Jade: Christ.
Ryan: Will you, then?
Jade: yes
Ryan: Tell me.
I swallowed again, knowing I was breaking every promise to myself that I'd
ever made. I knew, but I had ceased to truly care.
Jade: I will... walk with you... through hell, through earth, and through
heaven
The words hung there, sinking in.
Ryan: come here, little one.
He held me in his great arms and smoothed my hair back from my brow. Soft,
warm kisses on my forehead, on my face and lips. Cradled me and whispered me to
sleep.
To be continued…