I
woke up in time to hear the end of U2's Rattle and Hum on the stereo. It was
morning, and we had just hit Oklahoma. Ryan was already looking beat. According
to my watch, he had driven all night. I yawned and stretched, trying to work
some feeling back into my hands.
Jade: You wanna get some breakfast?
He nodded, eyes fixed on the road, obviously trying to stay awake. We got
some sausage and cheese biscuits from a grease pit we passed, and I took over.
He wolfed down the food and dug in the back seat for something to read. Time
passed, and neither of us said anything.
I broke the silence with a question that had been eating me for some time.
Jade: What's in Lubbock?
He didnt look up from his reading.
Ryan: Things. A few loose ends. Goodbyes to be said...
Jade: Good byes...?
He didnt answer, and I didnt ask. Apparently, he didnt want to talk. He
abandoned the book and closed his eyes. I pondered asking him if he wanted to
get a room somewhere, thought better of it because i didnt want an argument,
and pulled off the road at the first motel I found.
Ryan: eh, where we at, lass?
Jade: Motel. We're both beat, come on
He grinned slightly, a look I'd come to know quite well. I had him wait in
The truck while I got a single, then we piled into our room. He fell onto the
bed and was asleep in minutes.
I took a long shower, contemplating all that had happened, wondering if I'd
made the right decision. As the hot water pounded on my back, I could still
feel his fingers on me, his voice in my ear. I leaned forward and rested my
head against the tile of the shower and tried to stop the tears that fell from
me in waves. What was it that drove us both? I was too much like him to not be
drawn to him, and he knew it... but I fought against it like mad, knowing all
that he had done, and that I had the potential of doing. Was I insane? My mind
told me yes, but my heart had other ideas.
The water turned cold quickly and I jumped to turn it off. I dried off and
slipped into a t-shirt and underwear and crawled in beside him. Even with all
the turmoil in my brain with what was wrong and right, I felt at peace when I
put my head on his shoulder and listened to his breathing as I drifted off
myself.
When I woke up, it was dark, and I was alone. I almost freaked out
completely until I saw the note beside me, illuminated by the street lights
outside the window.
Gone for a walk, love
return shortly
R
I laid back on the pillows and as if on cue, the phone rang. I picked it up
quickly.
Ryan: lass...
His speech was slurred slightly, barely noticeable but to someone who had
nearly memorized his speech patterns.
Jade: where are you?
Ryan: a pub down the street,
Jade: is that fighting I hear there???
Ryan: couplea lads havin words, nothing more...
We only passed one bar on the way to the motel that I could remember. I
threw clothes on and drove there to find him perched up on a barstool and looking
like he'd drowned in stout.
Jade: come on, let's go.
The bartender, a surly, greasy looking fellow wandered over and leaned over,
closer to me than i really woudl have liked.
Bartender: I aint givin him any more of that shit. You showed up just in time,
I was about to toss his ass out.
Jade: I'll handle it.
He gave me a look and walked away, still watching the two of us. I grasped
Ryan by the upper arm and pulled gently.
Jade: Let's go.
Ryan: I wanna talk to you...
Jade: Later, you gotta sleep this off first
Ryan: Oh... but I think so clearly with a pint or two in me...
Jade: sure you do.
He turned sad eyes to me, and I was as closed to shocked as I could be when
I saw what was there. The alcohol had loosened his tongue.
Ryan: My head aches, Darlin'. My heart aches. i miss you.
Jade: I"m right here, Ryan, you're scaring me...
I took his arm and rested it around my shoulders, attempted to hoist him
into a standing position. The bartender eyed us warily.
Jade: lean on me, i'll take you somewhere where you can lay down, rest that
head
Ryan: I'm too heavy... I'll hurt you, little one...
Jade: naw, i'm used to it... my dad, eh, it's a long story, just lean on me,
we'll drag ya to the truck
Ryan: Darlin'... would you be holdin it against me if I was sick...
I sighed and put an arm around his waist to steady him. He waivered, but
didnt fall. One of those conversations I didnt want to have in a public place,
let alone a bar. Hadn't been the first time he'd brought up the age issue.
Jade: No... do you have some kind of horrible disease you're not telling me
about here?
Ryan: No. Unless you call Guinness a horrible disease and I'll be thankin' ya
not to do that...
We'd almost made it to the door when he went down on his knees... and took
me with him. I heard the bartender's footsteps and turned to look up into his
grimy face.
Bartender: We're closin.
Jade: Give us a moment... I might need some help here.
The bartender gave me a pissy look.
Bartender: I'll get someone from the back. But you better clear out fast, or
I'll call the cops.
The hair on the back of my neck stood on end at the mere mention of the
authorities. I nodded, trying not to look too nervous. As he walked away, I
looked back down at Ryan, who's head had fallen into my lap. A couple of lanky
men with ropy muscles came clomping out of the back room and walked up to us.
Didnt say hi, didnt ask if I wanted some fries with that, just grabbed Ryan and
hauled him bodily out the door. I scrambled out behind them, ran ahead and got
the Suburban unlocked before they tossed him on the ground. after I'd loaded
him in, they stood looking at me like sentinels. I handed them both a twenty
dollar bill apiece, and realized my pitiful cash supply was dwindling.
We got back to the motel and I tried to get him to the room. He was waking
up a bit, but he was having trouble getting his feet to move. I was barely
carrying him, wondering how I was going to get him the 50 feet to the room.
Jade: either you walk or you spend the night out here, okay?
He was really out of it. I wondered how many pints he'd swallowed.
Ryan: I'm tryin, angel... my head''s spinnin'...help me, love...
He fell again and I caught him, but we were down for the count. I was
wondering how to get him into the room when he looked at me sincerely and said,
Ryan: are you mine, truly, angel?
I nodded.
Ryan: I would do anything for you, would you do the same? I hesitated, only
for a second.
Jade: Yes...
Ryan: I would like, very much, to go home... but I ask much...
Quietly
Jade: I'd go with you... but you...
Ryan: yes love... I will be hunted... from one end of the land to the other.
You know this... I may be... killed. You may see it happen. We will never
experience one day of perfect peace, yet... my soul longs for home.
I swallowed, looked around at the sparse grass, the knarled trees, the old
building of the motel and the small diner/truckstop/gas station across the
road. I looked but I didnt see a damn thing. my mind was elsewhere, the rocky
cliffs, green rolling hills and mighty seas of his home. So far away from what
I knew.
Ryan: I ask too much...
He rolled over, his stomach making evil gurgling sounds, and lost most of
the Guinness and his breakfast on the lawn. When it was over, I pulled him away
from the mess a bit and went to the room, came back with water and a blanket,
knowing that moving him was a bit beyond my capabilities. I hoped it wasnt
going to rain...
Ryan: get a blanket and wrap it round yourself. it's cold out here.
I did as he suggested, snuggling down into the blanket and resting his head
in my lap again. His head turned into my chest, his breath warm, laden with
lager. I teased him,
Jade: No matter what state you're in, you have only one thought, eh?
Ryan: Somethin' this nice is this close to hand...or head...
I whispered to him.
Jade: think it's time you slept, we have forever to ponder the complexities of
the smell of skin, eh?
Ryan: Yours smells of soap. And water. And ...flowers...
He nodded off and I leaned my head back against the Suburban, closed my
eyes, feeling the weight of him in my arms and my lap, slowly relaxing, letting
what he had asked of me slowly sink in. I heard him murmuring in his sleep, and
I leaned forward.
Ryan: ... my solitude...