Stalking the Elusive TLJ.
Perky Woman: Good morning, everybody, and a big Texas-sized welcome to y’all. My name’s Mindi Sue McMudd, and I’ll be your guide this morning.
Bored Man: Y’all? Y’all don’t sound like the locals.
Perky Woman: No, I’m not from around here, I guess you can tell. I came here from Devil’s Lake, North Dakota almost two years ago to realize my destiny - learning all I can about what made TLJ the incredible man he is, and sharing it all with our Community. I’ve posted most of what I’ve found out to our Community Message Board, but this will be your chance to see for yourself the actual places he goes to on a typical day.
Frenzied clapping by the feminine contingent almost drowns out the Bored Man’s response to this bit of information.
Bored Man: I always was a lucky sonofabitch.
Mindi Sue: What we’ll be doing today is following TLJ’s footsteps around San Antonio, so get ready to walk, ‘cause he’s a busy boy! I’d like to mention just a couple of things before we start our tour. First, if you’d like to take photographs along the way, please feel free, but video cameras are strictly forbidden….
Bored Man: I don’t know who’s forbidding it but thank God for that. Go on home and watch twenty billion hours of hours of nothing…
Mindi Sue: …however if you’d like a video memento of your walk with TLJ I have a four hour highlights video tape available for only $125.00. For an additional $50.00, I can burn the contents of the tape onto CD’s suitable for your DVD machine.
Bored Man: Like fuck!!! You think you’re gonna charge me for this bullshit?!
Angry muttering from the women. One of them, apparently the wife of the miscreant, blushes fiercely. She mutters savagely at the Bored Man.
Bored Man: The hell I will, Marilyn! I can’t believe I agreed to go along with this shit!
Aargh, aargh, aargh…the Bored Man’s two male counterparts growl their complete agreement with their spokesman.
Mindi Sue: Are we ready?
Bored Man: What’s this ‘we’ shit, you got a mouse in your pocket?
Mindi Sue: Here we go, and your tour starts right here! On this corner, in 1998, TLJ bought a newspaper from that box over there. Normally he passes this way on his regular morning walk. He does aerobic walking and finishes up at the Krispy Kreme down the street.
Bored Man: Now that makes all kinds of sense. Damn, the man’s brilliant…OW!
Mindi Sue turns, prepares to lead her little rag-tag bunch through the intersection.
Mindi Sue: TLJ normally crosses the street here in about eight seconds, I had someone time him for me. Let’s see if we can go as fast as he does!
Thirty two seconds, one yellow light and a near wipe-out on the opposite curb later…
Mindi Sue: Well, it’s worth a try, isn’t it. Just up the block from us is a public waiting bench that TLJ uses if he needs to tie one of his shoes. We’ll stop there for a minute so you can check your laces or get a photo.
Bored Man: No fuckin’ way, Marilyn! Even if I was wearin’ those ugly ass cross-trainers you bought me, I wouldn’t put my foot on that goddamn bench. Put your own damn foot up on it.
Mindi Sue trots forward, blonde pony-tail bouncing, her motley flock rumbling along just behind her. At the waiting bench there is a flurry of activity. Women reverently touch the bench seat, congratulating themselves on brushing with their own fingers the very bench where TLJ had been known to plant his actual shoe. They photograph each other pretending to check their shoelaces, even though one of them is wearing slip-on Sketchers. The men, all three of them, stand to one side.
Mindi Sue continues onward, like the Flying Dutchman.
Mindi Sue: This is the Krispy Kreme TLJ stops at before he turns around and goes home. He always gets a large coffee and a raspberry filled bismarck…
The women appear to be filing this bit of information away. Behind the counter a middle-aged woman stands looking them over, shaking her head. A young man dives through a swinging door into the back of the restaurant, laughing hysterically before he gets completely through.
Mindi Sue gets down on the floor and starts crawling around.
Mindi Sue: Right around here somewhere was a black heel mark I’m almost positive TLJ made once when the floor was wet and he slipped. It was on a Sunday morning and he came in after church, so he was wearing good shoes. They went and cleaned it up on me, but I have pictures of it if anyone’s interested. Anyway, once he gets his coffee and bismarck he sits on that stool at the very end of the counter and talks with whoever’s working.
For several minutes there is a procession of reverent females fannies sliding on and off the stool, and much photographing. One is too awed to even sit on the stool, she only pokes it shyly and grins. Two or three others wallow voluptuously on it, as if by doing so they think they might pick up…butt molecules…or something.
Mindi Sue waits until everyone has finished and a couple of raspberry Bismarcks have been purchased for fortification, then she guides everyone back into the street. The men attached to the party are standing slightly apart, in a tight, sarcastic little knot.
A few blocks away as the herd wanders...
Mindi Sue: This is TLJ's barbershop. No hair salons for him...
Bored Man: Hair salons kinda make sense if ya have some hair, but in this clown's case...
His compadres laugh, while Mindi Sue does her best to continue the program.
Mindi Sue: He sits in the very last chair, away from the window.
The shop door opens and a man wearing a clean but rumpled barber's coat steps outside. Either this man is Floyd the Barber, or his twin brother.
'Floyd': Now I told you the next time y'all come on back here disturbin' the reg'lars and pressin' your nose against the window and lickin' the glass I was gonna have to call the po-lice...
Mindi Sue: Now, we're not going to be doing any of that, so just...go play with your scissors.
'Floyd': ...I've been a barber in this same place for forty years and I don't think I need my reg'lars scared off and...
Still griping, Floyd wanders back inside and closes the door.
BMV: Licking the glass, eh?
Angry Female Voice: Shut *up*, you!!
Mindi Sue: Don't pay any attention to him, all he does is sit in there and read 'Grit' magazine all day long. Anyway, TLJ likes to sit in the chair closest to the back, away from the window. He gets hot towels once in a while. I stole one out of the laundry basket once. I even got a picture...I'm pretty sure it's TLJ, but all you can see is an ear...it's an awful big ear...
Ditzy Female Voice: Can I get a copy of that picture, Mindi Sue? I'm making something at home.
Mindi Sue: What are you making?
DFV: Well, Mindi Sue, it's a quilt. I have some software on my computer and I can use it to transfer photographs to the fabric I'm going to quilt. It'll be a TLJ quilt...
The men are propping each other up. The women look ready to charge, so the men try to button it up with marginal success. As Mindi Sue moves to continue the tour, there's a lotof snorting and blowing and gasping and swearing.
Mindi Sue: From here we'll be taking public transportation.
Strident Female Voice: Does TLJ take the bus?
Deep Male Voice: Anybody drives that old boy, it ain't no bus driver.
SFV: You shut up, Mickey, you don't know anything! You're talking about TLJ!!
DMV: How the hell can I forget, woman? Shut your head, why dontcha.
Mindi Sue moves to restore harmony.
Mindi Sue: I don't think do, but I'm not sure. I can look into it. I've got an address here and my sources tell me he's been spotted there several times recently. I've never been there before but there's no time like the present. What do you say?
The feminine rumbles of assent completely block out the feeble male bleatings. The group climbs, en masse, on a city bus which had been mostly empty. They transfer twice and double back once--Mindi Sue isn't very familiar with bus routes. Eventually, as much by accident as intent, they find the address. They are confused by what they see. The building is long and low, vaguely Wright-ish in design, and instantly recognizable as a medical clinic. The sign outside reads 'Dr. Fallsdick and Dr. Grossebottum, Specializing in the Practice of Urology and Proctology.' The women can't imagine what their mighty TLJ needs with this place. the men are a lot quicker on the uptake.
BMV: Looks like Bob Dole is runnin' in a pretty fast crowd!
DMV: So much fore Studley0fuckin'-Hungwell, there!
These men plainly are tired of the hold the actor seems to have on their women. What in hell does she want with that ugly old bastard when she's got me? Somebody mutters the word 'Viagara', and the men are off and running. Sooon they are draped over signposts, auto fenders, and each other, bellowing their joy into the warm blue sky.
Mindi Sue jumps into damage control mode.
Mindi Sue: I'm sure it's not... that. It’s probably just....
She scrambles for something, anything...
Mindi Sue: ... occasional irregularity or something.
Crying Man: *Something's* damn well irregular!
The men had been trying to pull themselves together, but this destroys them yet again.
Angry Female: You shut up, Bruce!
BMV: Yeah, Bruce!
CM: You shuddup!
DMV: Nyah!
Troll-like, the men guffaw until they get tired. The women attached to these men regard them through narrowed eyes. Their Hero will not go unavenged. It's a good thing there's TLJ in the world, they tell themselves, since we have to put up with these ugly old bastards.
Back on a bus, men cluster in back like naughty children, giggling at their own wit. Women gather in a disapproving gaggle nearer the middle, shooting evil looks at men. Mindi Sue tries to maintain control.
Back off bus...
Mindi Sue: This is San Antonio's beautiful Riverwalk, an internationally acclaimed center of cultural advancement.
DMV: Shit.
Female heads swivel. Men display elaborate innocence. Mindi Sue begins walking, staring intently down at the sidewalk.
Mindi Sue: And right... here...
She glanced around, quickly and furtively, before removing a can of spray paint from her bag and freshening a faint 'x' on the cement.
Twangy Man: Ah knew Ah'd ketch ye, goddamn it!
Mindi Sue: ExCUSE me?
Twangy Man, who sounds like he was sent out from Central Casting, is standing just outside the doors of some kind of upscale watering hole. To either side of him stood large busboy types.
CMV: Oooh, shit.
Mindi Sue: We're just a little group of real, true-blue TLJ fans...
TM: Yeah, I know all about ye.
Mindi Sue: And we're not anywhere near your precious restaurant. Stop harassing us!
TM: Good thing y'ain't or my boys here' d be all over ye.
There's an anti-graffiti ordinance on the books here in San Antone, 'case ye weren't aware, and ever' time the Department of Public Works comes an' cleans 'at shit up, I get a bill for a hunnerd'n fifty dollars.
Mindi Sue: It's where TLJ stepped out of the float when he was grand marshal of the Cavalier Days Parade? It's an important spot for us!
DMV: Jesus, Mary an Joseph the tree fingered carpenter!
TM: It's part 'o my tax assessment an' I don't give a good goddamn who the hell stepped offa what when or what-for. Move your asses 'fore I call the po-lice.
BMV: You heard the man. let's go.
TM: You gentlemen ain't part- this bullshit?
CM: Hell, no! I'd rather be watchin' paint dry then toddlin' around like this!
TM: Come on in, fells... ye must be damned hot, wanderin' around like his... order anything ye want, 's on the house. Say, maybe ona you boys know that woman' ad-dress... I wanna send 'er a bill...
And so our comic relief departs from the tour, marching eagerly into the restaurant.
DMV: We really appreciate this, man.
CMV: You got a bar in here?
BMV: Hang on, I've got the fool's address here somewhere.
Mind Sue leads her chicks away.
Mindi Sue: That place we were in front of is TLJ's favorite restaurant. I tried to get a job there after I found out, but they wouldn't hire me.
SUF: Why don't we have lunch there?
Mindi Sue: They're always booked out. Every time I try to make a reservation, they're booked up... they must be really good... anyway, we'd better get on to the next stop on the tour.
One bus ride later...
Mindi Sue: The San Antonio Polo Club!
Breathy Voiced Woman: Is he here?
Two men wearing lightweight suits and white hats are seen to leave the clubhouse and approach the group purposefully. One has a handheld radio.
Mindi Sue: Not as far as I know he's still a member in good standing but my people say he's not around much come on we need to get out of here!
This last is delivered breathlessly, and Mindi Sue moves her group off at a labored pace, pace, something somewhere between a jogtrot and a frogmarch.
Mindi Sue twitches as the noise of a car reaches them. The increases, infinitesimally, their pace.
Mindi Sue: Don't look, keep walking.
The car, a fat and powerful Bexar County Sheriff's cruiser, comes up along side them. The driver allows it to pull itself along at idle speed. He opens the passenger side window and leans across the seat. His nametag, occasionally visible, gives his name as Ruiz.
Ruiz: I told ya'll what’d happen if I caught ya gain, didn't I, Miss Mindi Sue?
Mindi Sue: Yes, Deputy Ruiz, but we weren't...
Ruiz: Keep lyin' t'me and I'll bring out a wagon. Don't test me, now.
Mindi Sue knows she's beat. She slows to a walk. Snorting and blowing, her little chain gang does the same.
Mindi Sue: We're leaving. I just don't understand why...
Ruiz' voice tightens another notch.
Ruiz: You're not a member of the club. It's private property and the members and their guests have a right to go about their business without being stared at. That's all, and it's the last time I'm tellin' you. Next time you're goin' in and I don't care who you’re with.
The good old boy is long gone, replaced by a sworn officer of the law who's had about enough bullshit. Mindi Sue tries sulking, but Ruiz powers up his window and roars off. As the group reaches its bus stop, his cruiser can be seen down a side street, waiting.
More riding brings them to...
Mindi Sue: TLJ's ex-wife and his kids live in this house.
BVW: How'd you find *that* out?
Mindi Sue bridles and blushes, going a peculiar mottled color.
Mindi Sue: Well, when I first got here I had to buy a new computer... the guy I bought if from was just a freak... he showed me how to hack into the phone company's mainframe. I only do it when the number is unlisted.
BVW: Wow.. a sheriff... a barber... a restaurant man... a hacker... you just know *everybody* don't you, Mindi Sue?
Mindi Sue's blush deepens to the point where her complexion is somewhat alarming. Before she can reply, the voice of a young man drifts across the early evening air...
YM: Mama, that woman's out there again.
Mindi Sue: Ssh! That's Austin. He sounds just like TLJ!
Mama: I've told you, Austin, there's nothing we can do, they're on the public right of way.
YM: I feel like a freakshow. And they're scarin' Tory!
LG: They're just Daddy's dorky old lady fans. They don't scare me.
A curtain parts and a little girl's face appears behind the glass. It's owner is distorting it hideously and thumbing her nose. She quits when she gets tired.
YM: If they're Daddy’s, then I'm gonna take Daddy's advice.
Mama: I told you, son, if that .22 comes out of the cabinet, I'll send it back with your father! That's not the solution, we've been over this!
YM: Oh, Mama, chill out. I've got my old pellet gun up here yet.
Mama: Oh! Well... go right ahead, then.
A window opens and a long muzzle extends outward. The women, bovine in both stance and expression, wait until the first pellets whip through the trees to bounce on the pavement. Only then do they run.
Mindi Sue: That's the first time they've acknowledged me! I'm really pretty excited!
Like quail, they scatter and like quail, they regroup. They are headed now for the last stop on the tour, the Holy of Holies, the Sanctum Sanctorum. There are rough equivalents in the world's organized religions. Among them, would be The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, the Ka'aba in Mecca, the Grotto at Lourdes, and anywhere people convince themselves they can see the face of Christ in a tortilla.
*The* Condominium.
Mindi Sue speaks with breathless wonder.
Mindi Sue: We're here. TLJ lives in that building, when he's in San Antonio.
Strident Woman: Which one???
Mindi Sue: The big white one there.
The question needed to be asked. The faithful are most of a block away, which is the closest Mindi Sue dares anymore. In fact, she has positioned them so that they can hurl themselves into the underbrush should they be noticed.
Strident Woman; Can't we get a little closer?
Breathy Woman: I'd like to go inside... maybe we could see his door...
The only idea in the History of Mankind to meet with more approval than this would, perhaps, be the wheel. Mindi Sue hates to stifle it. She busies herself unlimbering the high-power Bushnell binoculars before speaking.
Mindi Sue: It's a security building... *nobody* gets past the first floor without prior authorization from a resident. I know... I tried.
Breathy Woman: Oh.
Mindi Sue: But I know which apartment is his... I counted the windows until I got to the right ones. Countdown three floors from the top and to the right. That's his balcony and those windows back are his, too. I brought some binoculars, so we can see.
Mindi Sue trains the binoculars onto he indicated area...
Mindi Sue: Okay, who's first?
There is a brief, fierce fight over who will take the first turn. The winner smoothes her hair and shrugs her blouse into place, then raises the binoculars to her eyes.
Awed Woman: Those are his curtains... does he have a ficus tree?
Mindi Sue: I think so.
Awed Woman: This is so wonderful... TLJ's *plant*... and that's a pretty kitty but it's squatting in the plant... that'll kill it...
Strident Woman: If I was TLJ, I wouldn’t' let any old cat kill my plant!
Breathy Woman: It's probably *her* cat.
This doesn't need explaining. *She* is the evil wench standing between them and TLJ.
Awed Woman: But I bet it sits on him... and purrs.
Strident Woman: You better believe *I'd* purr if I could sit on him.
The talk rapidly degenerates into lewd giggles about lap dances and pole dances. Nobody mentions the war dance the man would stomp across their asses if he could hear them.
Mindi Sue: There's a *cat* in there? I never saw a cat any other time!
Mindi Sue dives into her bag and pulls out an idem encased in thick plastic, the digital camera from hell. She focuses on a gray and white specimen remarkable only for it's size and the utter lack of civility in it's expression. Mindi Sue snaps away as if possessed, catching the cat in the most phases of squatting and digging, as well as the butt-cleaning excitement that follows. A hand appears in her shot and rudely bowls the cat out of the plant-pot.
Breathy Woman: It's *him*! I *see* him!
Awed Woman: Do I look okay?
Mindi Sue is snapping like a mad bastard until she notices the binoculars and cell phone filling his hands. He is staring straight at her. She hears the faint slamming of car doors, and shoves everyone into the bushes.
Later...
The women sit amid a ruin of pizza boxes and soda bottles, talking about their eventful day.
Breathy Woman: Have you still got the pictures?
Mindi Sue: I sure do. This is a great camera... it's for divers, so it's waterproof and everything. I had to get it. Once I lost a whole roll of film and my old camera was wrecked.
Awed Woman: How come?
Mindi Sue: Well, I was trying to get a picture of Tory in her backyard and I was mad 'cause Austin had gone in before I could get him, and the sprinklers came on. But that's okay.
Strident Woman: I want copies. I hope that dummy didn't spend all my TLJ money on beer.
Mindi Sue: Tomorrow we go to San Saba. I know a way to get close enough to his house to see the outdoor shower and we only have to make a ten mile hike!
Breathy Woman: Are there snakes?
Mindi Sue: Just little ones.
Breathy Woman: Okay! I can wear my birkies! It'll be fun!
- end -