:: Musings, Thoughts, Quirks, and Cats ::

:: Tuesday, July 31, 2001 ::

Something's happened to Meghan.
I don't know what, but she seems to be under the impression that she is now a disgrace to everything pure and everything of God.
How mysterious.
I feel an overwhelming rush of concern for my friend.
We've all been down this road, and sometimes, new Christians have it the hardest.

"KICKSTART: His overdue life as a star, waiting tables, hadn't done that so far"
:: Steve Ferguson 5:46 PM [+] ::
...

Last night I dreamt about Gemma. For some reason, we lived in our grandparent's place on Bowen Island. I was going through all my cd's with one of my kids from camp: Jenny, the only girl in my cabin. I was rearranging them and explaining the music to her, when I got up to go to the kitchen. Mom was at the microwave, and Mark was sitting at a table. I heard a mournful howling from the pantry.

"What's that?? Gemma!" I shouted aghast. "Why have you locked him in the pantry??"
"To air out the house." Mom told me. For some reason, at that time, that statement made perfect sense.
"You don't need to right now!" I growled back. "Why are you guys always so mean to Gemma??"
Mark leaps into the conversation. "He kicked me."
"He'll kick you if he wants down! You wouldn't let him down!" I opened up the pantry and Gemma leaped into my arms, burying his head in my neck.

And the dream ended. But it makes a little more sense if you knew what happened last night.
Liz had wanted me to call her, and I was a little late in doing so, because of my trying to recover my Camp Blog Data. So I call Liz, and her line is busy. So I press *, and decide to wait the half hour. If she wasn't off the phone by then, I would go to bed.
So I come back downstairs, while Doug is on StarFox64. I watch him a bit, then we fly against each other for a bit. Then this angry meow comes from the stairs. Curious, Doug goes over, and I hear him talk to Mark.

"What are you doing?"
"Holding him."
"Why?"
"Because we are cuddling."

More angry sounds from Gemma. I go over and Mark is sitting on the stairs, holding Gemma down in his arms. Gemma is lashing his tail, his ears pinned back on his head, teeth bared, pupils dilated, claws unsheathed, muscles tensed. It should have been obvious to Mark that Gemma was NOT enjoying being held down, and was getting right pissed.

I come in. "Mark, let him down!"
"He's not being hurt."
"No, but he can't stand it."
"So?"
"He WILL scratch you."
"No he won't." I hate that know-it-all tone of voice.
"Yes he will." Doug comes back in. "Leave him alone!"
"If he tries to scratch me, he'll find himself being uncomfortable." Smug idiot.
"Look," I tell Mark. "Look at him. He is getting angrier every second and he WILL lash out."

This was true. Mark had once picked up Gemma, when Gemma was watching another cat outside the window, and being very territorial about it. When Mark picked him up, Gemma freaked out, and scratch Mark along the face. Mark, in pain, threw Gemma down the hall, where Mom caught him and let him down. We had tried to warn Mark then too, that picking up Gemma when he was howling angrily at another cat was stupid, but he ignored us then too.

At this point, whenever Mark moved his hand, Gemma tried to bite him. "He's fine. He'll like it."
"When he starts hissing," I told him. "I am not going to feel sorry for you."
"Why do you care?" he snapped. "Do you like the cat more than me?"
Oh brother. What would you say if I said yes MarK?? But instead I said "You're asking for it." and left.
Doug went on with Mark for a few more minutes, but I knew it was pointless.
Then I left to take out the garbage. When I came back, Mark had let Gemma down, and Gemma was hiding upstairs. Still don't know what happened.

My throat is still killing me. I took a Vitamin E pill, and have been drinking a fair bit. This really sucks though, and my family is already coming down with it. And Nathan fell on my bed again while changing.

"I remember falling, I remember marching like a one man army"
:: Steve Ferguson 11:19 AM [+] ::
...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I spent half an hour writing the first entry in my Camp Blog and it's GONE. I pressed 'Post', and it came up with some kind of Time Out Error, and when I pressed back to revover my data, it was gone.

Anyway.

Spoke to Meghan today. Apparantly she did give me a present. It was in the card. I never got the card, hence, I never got the present. Thank you Eric. Now I feel kind of bad for whining about how I didn't get a present from her. But oh well.

Spoke to Danielle, and I'm going to see her on Weds. This is great news to me. Mom and I had a long chat and I told her about how I felt, and she told me likewise. We agreed that her feelings were valid and I told Mom that I was taking a leap of faith, and all that I needed was for her to do the same. She agreed. I guess, sometimes trust is hard to come by.

Liz wants me to call her now. She has stuff to do and wants to chat about life, the universe, and everything. And since my Camp Blog just died on me, I think I'll do that, and then go to bed.

Man, my throat is killing me. I hate throat infections.

*glares at Blogger as if it's the Blogger's fault*

"I Die: You Die"
:: Steve Ferguson 10:37 PM [+] ::
...

Well I'm back from Week 2 of Cub Composite Camp. Bleh, so tired...

Robert stopped by a few minutes ago. Somehow, he found out I was home and instantly raced over with my brithday gift in tow. And it was HUGE. It's an authentic Final Fantasy movie poster. And I mean a REAL one. The ones you'll find on the Skytrain ads, or at the theatres promoting the film. And man, I don't know where on Earth I'll put it. Robert suggested the roof before taking off himself. to Fitness World (as if the guy needs it).

As per usual, after camp, I'm suffering mood swings related to extreme fatigue. At first I was quite giddy, but after reading Meghan's Blog, I became excessively depressed, lethargic, and lonely. God, she always writes about how wonderful the Findlays are, and the excessive amount of time she spends with them. She has this seemingly perfect circle pf friends whom she goes out and does everything with. And am I one of those friends? No. Damn it. Never even got a birthday present from her either. I know I'm not the greatest at remembering presents, but I try my best, I really do.

Read about Meghan's math problems at summer school. Frankly, it does not surprise me. Not becaurse Meg isn't bright. It's not that at all. She's an extremely talented and gifted person. It's the course. The average human brain can not, I repeat NOT, possibly absorb THAT MUCH information in such a short time. The course for me was approximately nine months, and we all felt it was rushed. But six weeks?? Screw the education system. Sit down, learn the material. Not read through it and expect to remember it. Learn it. However long that takes you, that's how long it needs to take.

Going to get my pics developed from camp. Hope they'll turn out. I was going to bring them to Youth on Tuesday to show Dairn. And I swear to God almighty himself, if Carissa asks "You went to camp?", I'll call her a picking moron. I've only been talking about it for a year, after all.

Grrr...

Suddenly I feel better. You know, I think I need sleep. Um, a lot happened during camp, and instead of filling it in here, I was thinking of making another Blog, just for camp. And there will probably be a lot of material in there. It was a long week, and there's still one more to go.

Hmm, gotta call Danielle, talk to Liz about this Meghan thing, and buy "Under A Blood Red Sky" from A & B Sound. Not to mention, wash all my clothes, air and clean my sleeping bag, air and clean my tent, put sheets on my bed, do more laundry, go to sleep, find the cat...

"I hear the children crying 'Take me home'..."
:: Steve Ferguson 4:15 PM [+] ::
...

I'm going to be gone for a week, starting this Saturday. I'm going to my summer thing, my cabin counselor job at Summer Cup Camp. So this page won't be updated for at least a week.

"Under a blood red sky, a crowd has gathered in black and white"
:: Steve Ferguson 1:57 PM [+] ::
...

Got up this morning at about 11:00. Nate was making a ruckuss getting changed. He can't seem to pull on his pants without falling over on to my bed!! He's lucky that at the time, I was too lazy and tired to even open my eyes, much less throw him out the window.

I woke up feeling excessively jealous of Carissa's boyfriend, but I had to remind myself that Carissa is hardly my type. I mean, she's cute and all, but she even said herself she doesn't read fiction. Doesn't read fiction!! Good God, is it even possible?? How can you not read fiction??

Speaking of which, I've been reading the book Robert gave me for my birthday, the Batman one. It's from the Animated Series, the first one with Two-Face and Batgirl. I loved that series. It was one of the best things on television, I swear to God. I watched it devotedly for years. The book's good as well.

Also watched Fight Club a few days ago. Cerebral, that's for sure. The ending took me by surprise, and that was one hell of a climax. I told Derek it seemed to be a cross between "A Clockwork Orange" and "Being John Malkovic". I can't shake this feeling Derek was making a comparison with me being Jack and Derek being Tyler. Kind of a personality match, although Derek isn't nearly as violent. I think ;)

Tonight's the Youth Grad night out. And I think it's going to be odd with Carissa there. What the Hell, I'll give her some "knowing" looks, some raised eyebrows, the whole guacamole. Should I talk first or should she? And who cares??? I don't. If she wants to just pretend nothing happened, fine, all right, I've got better things to do with my life.

Hmmm...Venus Wars is pretty indepth...

"I bet they're wrong, I know they are, Cause I can play this here guitar"
:: Steve Ferguson 1:54 PM [+] ::
...

It's like 1:00 in the morning, and Robert's sleeping over. Played GoldenEye for an hour or so. Whipped Doug's butt with the MoonRaker laser. That was cool. Robert's a huge Anime nut, he's been insisting we watch Anime with him RIGHT NOW, so that's what we've been doing.

So, I talked with Carissa tonight. I sent her an e-mail a couple days ago saying "We have to talk". So, over MSN, I told her about how rejected I feel at Youth, and how I consider the girls a clique. She said she never considered it that way, that it was normal for girls to be segregated from guys. I asked her if it was right. She said, not really, but that's the way things are. Great, 12 girls, 3 guys, and it's okay for the guys and girls to be a little seperated. Yeesh.

We reached a bit of an understanding. She now understands my point of view, and I hope we can forge a strong friendship out of this. Still, she has one hell of a nice body. But I want more than that, you know? A real relationship. But I don't think it's going to happen. She's not interested.

I feel bad for Robert though. He's got it bad for Heidi, and the two are friends. But at Youth, they never talk. Rob tries, but Heidi would rather stay with the girls and talk about pictures and all that. Mind you, Robert feels bad for me. He says the girls ignore me altogether. Carissa said most girls are wary of the fact that most guys only think about sex.

That's a bit insulting. Enough of that Degrassi mush.

Apparantly, Robert saw some Hentai Sailor Moon. And of course, we all know Hentai is like the porno Anime. And seriously, this is hilarious, the Sailor Scout's pubic hair is the same colour as their head hair! What a load.

Robert's telling me to come watch Tekken with him. So I guess I better do this later.

"Went in the room, didn't stay long, looked on the bed and Brother was dead"
:: Steve Ferguson 1:43 AM [+] ::
...

Yeah, Danielle came over today. That didn't sit so well with Mom. Apparantly, her blood pressure went up, she became excessively depressed, and had to run upstairs. Danielle was borrowing the printer for some school stuff, and then she chatted with Robert and I for about half an hour. Mom called me upstairs, and asked me to show Danielle out.

Imagine the position I was put in.

But I did it anyway. And I explained the situation to her, and she understood completely. I still felt bad, but Danielle was very empathetic. Mom's doing okay now, but new condition: Danielle's not to come over. We can do stuff elsewhere, but not at home here.

I really want to talk to Danielle badly. I suppose there's always the phone...

Hmm, should finish Action Man II tomorrow. Episode Four, Doug and I worked a plan out for it, and it's looking pretty good.

"When we don't get what we deserve, that's a real good thing"
:: Steve Ferguson 7:03 PM [+] ::
...

Had a bizarre dream last night. I ran into some elementary school that looked like a tower on the outside, but when I stepped inside, it looked just like Nelson, my old elementary school. For some reason, I refused to believe it was possible, and started having a seizure on the ground. Mr. Davies, my Biology 12 teacher, was called in by the secretary to deal with me.

"Don't worry. I've dealt with this before." he told her.

"It's not possible!" I was screaming. "This can't be Nelson!"

Mr. Davies then put a chisel to my head, and started hammering at my skull. After chiseling for a good five minutes, and only making a crack, I told him "This doesn't really hurt."

"Of course not." he told me, as if it was the stupidest thing in the world to say.

"Well, I'm all better." I told him. I stood up and left. The dream ended and I woke up.

Well, last night, I checked in on this Blogger page again, and mysteriously enough, the "Invalid URL" redirection problem had solved itself. Feeling more than a little confused, I did what I do best: I ignored it and pet Gemma, my cat.
I spoke to Meghan over ICQ. Things are cool now, and that's good. Although I'm rather confused by her birthday present to me, or lack thereof. She gave me some Skytrain tickets, which isn't so bad because I've had the collection for 12 years and these contributions help, and she also gave me MY tape. I lent the tape to her, um, God, I don't know, six months back I think. No, must have been longer. A year and a bit?? Oh well. But she gave it back as my birthday present. I'm a bit disappointed actually. She gave both Jean and Eric lava lamps, and I would love to get one, but it didn't happen.
Although mind you, lava lamps are pretty steep, and she JUST gave Jean hers. But I don't think I should really bring this up now. She DID get me that Leopard Beanie Baby for Grad...

Speaking of which, now that I have six or so leopards of various sizes and shapes, I should have some sort of designated place for them, as opposed to the foot of my bed, where they get kicked around all night while I'm dreaming about my head being chiseled, or talking to Arianna on the PHONE (how risque!), or even worse, losing my finger in Save-On-Foods.

Should I mention to Derek that, on those rare occassions where he's in my dreams, he's a hitman?

"To flicker and to fade on this the longest day"
:: Steve Ferguson 1:11 PM [+] ::
...

Okay, this is the last test post. I'm hoping the template will overwrite the problem on my Blogger page. If you're reading this, it worked. The problem was the page loaded fine, but the instant it was finished loading, it redirected to some stupid invalid URL. I hope this works.

This is far too frustrating.

"What more in the name of love?"
:: Steve Ferguson 2:11 PM [+] ::
...

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle with a liver infection and an inferiority complex, it actually works!! I managed to make all the links go where I want them to, and all the little doodads correspond to my Domain. That makes me happy. Yeah, I informed Derek of this little toy, and now we shall use it to corrupt this little planet, or something to that effect.
Is "affect" a word?
And that silly little plus sign by my name, what the hell is that? It goes to some page called "Dogmo" or whatever, which doesn't exist. Great, just great. Well, I'll ignore it for now.
This girl from New Jersey whose name is Bounce on Bottalk wants me to call her tonight. I met this girl a week ago, and she already wants me to call her. Maybe she's a stalker or something. OR, and this would be cool, she could be just really forward, like Danimal. That guy is more blunt than an axe that hasn't been sharpened in the better part of a millenium. Maybe she just wants someone to talk to.
Well, haven't heard from Karin in a LONG while. She professed her desire for me, and I never heard from her again *wipes brow* That was awkward. No offense, but she is NOT my type at all. She played this bizarre game over ICQ, where I had to guess who she was. Derek had a pretty good take on this:

"You have received a message!
what are you expecting? a gorgeous girl stalking you or something?
f*ck... people like that enjoy wasting your time."

He was right. Probably ditto again with Bounce. Sychodrone lives in New Jersey, as does Michele, two people I trust. Sycho says he might check it out, not for me per se, but because (since he's on Bottalk as well) he's rather curious about her forward behavior as well.

Whoa, type type type type type. Enough of that.

"Me! I Disconnect From You"
:: Steve Ferguson 1:46 PM [+] ::
...

Does this thing actually work? I don't know really. I went to the Blogger website, signed up and attempted to register, although if I did it correctly or not is a good question. FTP, FTP...My HTML skills are pretty medium, but as soon as the heavy stuff comes in, I'm scratching my head.
Anyway, I'm not used to writing down my thoughts outside of my own personal journal (it's not a diary, it's not a diary). Although I suspect it's not too hard.
Waiting for the call from Danielle.
Read Meghan's Blogger. Still obvious she doesn't understand. It doesn't seem to make sense that she doesn't understand. I feel alone. That's really all it's about. And the fact she wants to avoid arguements doesn't really help because things need to be said.
Mind you, this could have been resolved a couple nights ago. She seemed rather chipper on the phone and I couldn't tell if it was a mask or not.
Ah I do not need this.

"I don't like the film, I don't like the film, Pull it all back, Pull it all back."
:: Steve Ferguson 12:59 PM [+] ::
...