Tarantulas smiled happily as he activated the Joymaster 2000. "I think you are finally working!" he laughed.  Suddenly, electricity ran across the joystick and it shorted out.  Tarantulas sagged in disappointment.

    Dino-Bot stood on the bridge listening to Lando's babbling.  "And the scent was so real, like I was in a real car!"
    Dino-Bot was about to say that Lando had never smelled a real car before, but blue electricity and light shone over him that no one else could see.  He tried to protest, but couldn't move...

    Sam leaped to a new body, a different one from all the others he had been in.  He looked around at his surroundings.  People who looked like aliens were looking at him expectantly.  "Um...hi." he said.
    A rotund man with broom-like hair spoke up.  "No snide remarks, Dino-Bot?"
    Sam had to fight the look of confusion that threatened to spread around his face.  "Oh boy."
    A smartly dressed man with fangs stood up.  "This guy's nuts!  I'm going to preen!"
    A ginger coloured cat bounded beside him.  "I'm with you Cat!" it said.
    "I'll be back in a moment...gang."  Sam quickly left through doors that opened by themselves.  The cramped space indicated an elevator.  "What level please?" the elevator asked.
    "Er...my room?" Sam tried.
    "Thank you." the elevator responded.
    Sam sighed.  "Great I'm stuck on ‘Star Trek'."
 
    Dino-Bot finished leaping and staggered.  He looked around at the luminescent blue room.  A door was on one wall and a   table with a mirror on it was in the center of the room.  Dino-Bot looked down and saw he was wearing a white skin-tight body suit.  He looked into the mirror and saw the image of a man look back.
    He was interrupted when the door opened and a man puffing a cigar came in.  The man almost choked when he saw Dino-Bot.  "I'll, uh, be right back." the man turned out the door.  "GUSHI!!!" he screamed.
    Dino-Bot growled.  "The joystick!"

    A column of light raised beside him with a grinding noise and Al stepped out of it into the elevator with Sam.  "Uh, hi Sam.  We...uh...the situation is under control." he said nervously.
    "Al!" Sam crossed his arms.  "Where am I?"
    Al pulled out the little keypad remote control.  "Ziggy says you jumped into some sort of other dimension.  Some of the controls went haywire while you were leaping.  Gushi thinks a mysterious other power source pulled you through."
    The elevator opened to reveal Darth Vader.  Sam and Al jumped back.  "What the--" Sam stuttered.  "Darth...Vader?"
    Darth Vader walked in.  "Yes, it is I, Dino-Bot.  Is this your stop?"
    Al looked at Sam.  "Ask him if its crew quarters!"
    "Is this...crew quarters?" Sam asked.
    Darth Vader nodded.  "Yes it is.  You must have had a hard day.  Get some rest."
    Sam nodded.  "Yes sir."
    Darth Vader shook his head.  "Stop teasing me and get some rest."
    Sam walked into the quarters that opened for him.  Inside were dolls of a robot of some sort.  The dolls were trashed.  There were weapons everywhere.  Sam walked up to a mirror and  stumbled backwards.  The image on the mirror was a blue face with a brown crown and red robotic eyes.  A dinosaur head was on his chest.  "What am I?"
    Al laughed.  "Didn't you ever see ‘Transformers' in the 80's?  This guy was from the sequel.  And this is really cool!  Say ‘Beast mode'." he snickered.
    Sam sighed.  "Beast mode." Nothing happened to him, or his mirror image.
    "Oh." Al glanced over the hand unit.  "Oh well.  Ziggy has interfaced with the computer here.  I'll give you the run-down on the characters."
    "First, what am I here to do?" Sam wondered.  During his stay in bodies, he had to change history slightly for the better.
    Al tapped the hand unit.  "Ziggy says there is an 89.5 % chance that several of Dino-Bot's comrades will be killed within the next 52 hours.  She isn't sure how." Al reported.
    Sam sighed again.
 
    A knock came on Sam's quarters.  "Come in." said Sam.
    The man Al said was Lando came in.  "Are you alright?"
    "Yeah, fine.  Look, I wanted to tell you, you can change your name back to Londo."
    "Really?  Great!"  Lando...Londo left the quarters.
    Al laughed. "This is going to be fun."

    The party of five materialized on the mountainous surface.  The members of the party were Sam, Londo, Starbuck, Tarantulas, and the holographic doctor.  Sam watched Al step out from the rectangle of light, which then appeared to recede into the ground.  "I don't like this, Sam.  Ziggy says this is where your comrades die.  All but Tarantulas."
    "The hologram too?" Sam asked.
    The doc looked at him.  "Yes, I came too.  Or haven't you noticed?"
    Sam sighed.  "Uh, yeah.  Right."
    Londo looked at the scanner.  "The signal is in this cave up ahead."
    Tarantulas pulled out his gun and laughed.
    Sam glared at him.  "Is that necessary for a rescue mission?"
    Tarantulas just continued to snicker.
    Starbuck entered the cave first.  "Hello?" he called.
    "Here." a voice rang back.
    They entered the cave and were met by a friendly looking robot.  "I am Box.  Welcome to my cave.  My birds are here too."  He pointed to ice sculptures of birds on the roof.
    Sam raised an eyebrow.  "I can see that."
    Box continued.  "People come.  They do not go.  I store them. the plankton, and greens from the sea."
    Londo gave a puzzled expression.  "That's great."  He and the others followed Box.
    Al snapped his fingers and stopped Sam.  "Of course!!!  Sam, didn't you ever see "Logan's Run" in 1976?!?  This was one of the villains!  He froze people and stored them.  Great movie.  I watched it with Emma DeMentra.  She and I hit it off great, and she had this big smile.  Great body too!  She had a--"
    "Al!" Sam interrupted.  "Everyone has just followed Box into that room."
    Al's eyes widened.  "Sam you've got to get them out!!!"
    Sam burst into the room.  Box was holding a weapon.  "I will store you here."
    "Dino-Bot!  Your eye lasers!" The doc called.
    Sam did not know how to work eye lasers he didn't have.  So he pulled up an icicle and threw it into Box, who picked it out of his abdomen and narrowed his eyes.  "You will go first."
    Al was jumping up and down.  "Hit him!  A left and a right!"
    Sam tried to hit Box, but it was like hitting a granite slab.  "Ow!" he shouted.
    Box narrowed in.  Tarantulas jumped in front of Box.  "I want to kill it!  The ugly ice machine is about to become a popsicle!" he laughed.
    Box threw Tarantulas against the ice wall where dozens of people were trapped in ice.  He slumped down off-line.  Sam picked up the icicle and tried to stab Box again.  Box dodged and hit Sam, sending him flying.  Londo tried to escape but Box pointed the ice ray at him.  "Do not resist.  My birds and I don't like it."
    Sam stood up bleeding.  "Do your birds like this?"  He threw the icicle straight towards the birds.  Box jumped up to retrieve the icicle.  Sam took Starbuck's screwdriver and undid Box's back.  Reaching inside, he pulled out as many wires as he could.  Box slumped down dead.
    Al laughed heartily.  "You did it, Sam!  Dino-Bot would have fought Box directly and not have gone for the birds.  Everyone is.....something is wrong Sam.  Now Ziggy says you all die."
    Sam scratched his head.  "Why?"
    Tarantulas stood up.  "DIE ICE CREAM MAN!!!"  He fired his gun at Box's already limp form.  Tarantulas' face dropped.  "Aw slag.  At least I can do this..."  He aimed his mega-missile at the birds.
    Sam's face dropped.  "Run!" he screamed at the conversing Londo and Starbuck.
    Everyone ran out of the cave as it exploded due to Tarantulas' mega-missile.  Sam grabbed Tarantulas by the shoulders.  "Were you trying to kill us?!?" he demanded.
    "Lay off, Dino-Dick!  Or I will feast on your limp form."
    Al's face contorted to disgust.  "Sick sucker.  Reminds me of my third wife.  Anyway, Sam, the crew members do not die after all and everything turns out all right.  I can't get any more info about that from Ziggy."
    Sam patted Londo on the shoulder.  "You were good there.  But crazy."
    Londo shrugged.  "Okay."
    Tarantulas pulled out the Joymaster 2000.  "I didn't even get to use this.  I'll turn it on anyway."  He activated it as Sam leaped.

    Dino-Bot was pulled away from Sam's body.  He watched as his surroundings changed.  But he still looked human in a pool's reflection.  He looked around at the dense jungle and snarled.  Three strangers were laying beside him in primitive clothing.  "What now?!?"

    A skull with the remnants of eyes rose out of the boiling water to look at the bearded, older man wearing fine clothing.  "What do you want?" the skull asked.
    The man looked at him.  "Some champaign."
    The skull sighed.  "No, that's not what I mean!  Are they here yet?"
    "Yes.  But they didn't bring any jelly beans."
    "I don't give a *&$%, now tell me where they all are!!" the skull demanded.
    "They are all together, except the one with the sacred stick.  He was laughing like an insane person and was thrown in the midst of our troops.  They think he's their leader."
    "What else?" the skull inquired.
    "I have to go poo-poo." the man said.
    "NO!!!  What about Conan?" the skull snarled.
    "He's been replaced."
    "By a coward, right?  That was the plan..." the skull remarked.
    "By a warrior of incredible skill and strength.  Can I have a sucker?" the man asked.
    "You ding-dong!!!"  The skull kept cursing as it sank beneath the boiling water.

    Tarantulas awoke to 50 men staring at him.  "Aaaagh!!!" he screamed.  He tried to get up, but tripped and fell into a lake.
    One of the men, pulled him out.  "Are you all right, leader?"
    "Leader?" Tarantulas caught his reflection in the lake and saw a young man with large biceps and fine weapons.  "Where's the Joymaster 2000?"
    "I will find it for you leader!  Anyone in my way will die in your name!" one man exclaimed.
    "Don't bother.  I'll look for it." Tarantulas stood up and began to walk away.  The men followed him.  Tarantulas stopped and faced them.  "Are you following me?"
    "Yes leader!" they all shouted.
    Tarantulas held his ears in pain.  "Stop shouting!"  He stuck his hands in his pockets and discovered the Joymaster 2000 in one.  "Oh, here it is.  According to this," he told the men.  "I'm in a world in some other guys body with Dino-Bot and the rest in the bodies of Conan and his sidekicks.  Interesting, eh?"
    "Yes leader!" they all shouted.
    Tarantulas held his ears in pain again.  "I'm out of here!  Reversing polarity of the joystick..."  Suddenly the power on the Joymaster 2000 conked out.  He smacked it, but to no effect.  "Drat!  Should've used Energizer TM!" he noted.
    "Yes leader!" they all shouted again.
    "Will you just shut up!"  Tarantulas yelled.
    "Leader!" one man stated as he bowed.  "Conan is approaching!  He wants to talk to you."
    "Then let him come!  I hate you guys." Tarantulas snorted.
    Dino-Bot/Conan made his way to Tarantulas.  "I'm glad I found you, spider.  I---"
    One of the men jumped up.  "NOW!!!" he screamed, causing the men to attack Dino-Bot and his party.
    Tarantulas stood there shocked.  "What are you doing?!?" he screamed.
    One of the men stopped.  "As you commanded in code, leader.  Attacking!"  He ran off.
    Dino-Bot stopped in his tracks as 50 men attacked.  "We must fight!" he yelled to everyone.  They all nodded.
    Men flew onto the party swinging violently.  The party returned by slashing their own weapons.  Blood was everywhere as Dino-Bot's party slew the men.  Tarantulas came up with an idea.  "RETREAT!!!" he yelled.  The men instantly retreated dragging Tarantulas along on horseback.  "I'll catch up with you guys later!" he yelled to them.
    Dino-Bot and his companions were bruised and bloody.  The holographic doc began to tend to them.  "Fighting is not part of my program.  I wish we could leave."
    Dino-Bot picked up two batteries from the ground.  "These are from the Joymaster 2000.  And they are also dead."
    Londo gaped at them.  "How will we get home???"
    Starbuck grunted.  "A mystery...."
    Dino-Bot smacked him.  "Shut up, Sherlock."
    Starbuck griped.  "Look, I'm just saying it seems mysteriously odd how you've been acting really weird these last couple of days, being nice and all.  Then you're back to normal, but we're in bodies of people who don't exist.  Also, this Joymaster 2000.  It made us trade bodies, dress as funny clowns, send us into TV, mix television shows together, put us in the middle of ‘Star Wars', put me in a ballroom gown with a tiara, makeup, and perfume, and cause us to have a new crew member who just called himself ‘Retro ‘70's Actor Man'!"
    "That hasn't happened." Londo noted.
    "It will." Dino-Bot said.  "It will, I believe.  I think the Joymaster has also allowed Starbuck to see into the future.  In the meantime, we must locate Tarantulas and find a power source for that slagging joystick!"

    Dino-Bot had spent the last four weeks fighting.  His companions were weary and tired of the fighting. Dino-Bot loved the fighting; he thoroughly enjoyed it.  Everyday was a new battle.  That was what he originally left Cybertron for...
    A man stumbled onto their encampment wearing fine clothing and a queer look in his eyes.  He was old with a beard and when he spoke, it sounded like someone who had been stoned all their life.  "I can't let you go."
    Londo looked at him.  "Go where?"
    "My home.  My friend said it will let you go home and that's bad.  Good bye." the man turned to leave.
    The doc stood up.  "Wait!  Where is your home?"
    "I can't tell you."
    "Just show it to us so we know what to avoid." Dino-Bot stated.
    The man nodded.  "That's a good idea.  Come with me."
    They walked for three hours until they reached a fortress.  The man turned to them.  "You must avoid this place."
    Dino-Bot nodded.  "Oh we will."
    "Good."  The man left.
    Dino-Bot snorted.  "Fool.  His logic circuits must be in his other pants.  We must get Tarantulas."
    "Why bother?" Tarantulas asked.
    "How did you get here?" Dino-Bot asked.
    "A man came and told my troops not to bring me here.  I told them they had to."
    "And they brought you." Londo finished.
    Tarantulas nodded.  "Let's get that power source."
    As they turned to go to the fortress, the men jumped up.  "Conan!" several said.
    Tarantulas smacked his forehead.  "Don't attack!" he shouted.
    The men attacked.  Dino-Bot and party ran to the fortress with Tarantulas in tow.

    The skull rose.  "What has happened?"
    The man stared blankly.  "No one wants to play with me."
    "Shut up!  Now, why is Dino-Bot here?!?"
    "Maybe he likes my company."
    "You lead him here!  If I had a body, I would kill you!"
    "Is that fun?" the man asked.
    Dino-Bot burst into the room.  "Where is the power source?!"
    The skull laughed.  "You will never find it!"
    The man nodded.  "We will never tell you it's in my friend's head."
    The skull stopped laughing.  "YOU &%*%#!!!"
    "No need to swear." Dino-Bot said.  He lifted the skull, found a latch, lifted it open and removed the batteries.  "K-Mart???  You could have done better."  The skull stopped moving.
    Tarantulas' men burst into the room.  Tarantulas jumped in through the window.  "Don't hurt him!!!  He's my trooper!"
    The men stopped.  "He is???"
    "Yes!!!"
    The men grinned.  "It's a code for kill him quick!!!" one said.
    Dino-Bot's face sank.  "Oh no."
    The man turned to them.  "Who wants to watch ‘The Big Comfy Couch' with me?"
    The men screamed and fled.  Tarantulas hooked up the Joymaster 2000 to the K-Mart batteries.  "Here it goes!"  He pressed the button.

    They awoke in their own bodies.  Tarantulas picked up the Joymaster 2000.  "Worked again!" he cackled.
    "Hardly." Londo growled.
    Tarantulas picked up a mega-missile.  "Say it again!!!  Please?!?"
    "Put that away!" Dino-Bot snapped.
    Tarantulas walked down the corridor.  "I think I know what the problem was."  He removed a circuit board and rerouted circuitry.  "Done.  Now to activate!"  He pushed the button.
    A grinding noise filled the air.  The TARDIS materialized.  Dino-Bot turned to Tarantulas.  "You brought it out of the space-time continuum, fool!"
    "It must be the K-Mart batteries." Tarantulas stated thoughtfully.
    The TARDIS opened to reveal a badly dressed man and an attractive young woman.  "Well!  Dino-Bot again!"
    Dino-Bot grumbled.  "Doctor.  Your clothes clash!"
    The woman turned to the Doctor.  "Where are we now, Doctor?"
    "Ah, Peri!  An alternate dimension!  With the ever snide Dino-Bot." the Doctor grinned.
    "Snide!  Doctor, is it just me, or are you a jerk?"
    The Doctor now had curly hair and a slightly round belly. He appeared insulted. "What do you mean by that?"
    "You've just changed, that's all." Dino-Bot said.
    "Your still on about that Hitler thing aren't you?!?  I've regenerated since then and am now much wiser.  If you want my sage wisdom, stop acting like a whining puppy!"
    "Whining puppy!!!  If your clothes matched, I would have more respect for you!!!"
    "What's wrong with my clothes?!  You've never complained before!!"
    "Your clothes matched before!!!  Now, why don't you get a personality lift!"
    "You need to relax more!  Fish!!  Nothing is as reassuring than catching a guppyduppy and roasting it with a pinch of garlic.  Mmmm!"
    "I've tried that type of fish.  It's disgusting!!!" Dino-Bot retorted.
    "Not that breed!  You just aren't cooking it right.  Tell you what, let's go to Impreadis 7 and do a bit of fishing." the Doctor implied.
    "I know how to cook and I don't like fish!  Now get some descent clothes!" Dino-Bot growled.
    "Only if you tell Starbuck to stop flirting with Peri!" the Doctor complained.
    Indeed, Starbuck was hitting on Peri.  Starbuck was leaning against the wall in front of her.  "So, yeah, I do a lot of flying.  You know, saving the galaxy and all."
    "Really." Peri was not impressed.
    "Yeah.  I have proof in my quarters." Starbuck grinned.
    Dino-Bot picked up Starbuck.  "You hormone driven herring!  Where's Tarantulas?"
    "Uh, I don't know.  Want to leave us alone?"  Starbuck looked around.  "Where did she go?!?  Did you see that tank top?!?  Did you see that body?!?  I haven't gone on a date in a long time!" Starbuck complained.
    "Shut up and help me find Tarantulas.  He still has the joystick!!"
    "What about the Doctor and Hot stuff--er, Peri?"
    "Forget them for now!"

    Tarantulas walked into the cargo bay.  "The Joymaster 2000 could not have brought the TARDIS out of Space-time.  It teleported something here.  Oh well.  Might as well grab some component parts."  He rummaged through the supplies and stopped.  A growl sounded through the bay.
    Loading his weapon, he stepped into the light.  "Please be something small so I can eat it." he prayed.  It wasn't small.  It loomed before him.  He screamed.  "The Rancor!!!"  He turned to run and didn't make it.  It stepped on him, killing instantly.

    We leave you to next time with the usual teasers: