Leospace3!

Ludicrous Mixed-up Space We return to bring the crazed stories which all Sci-Fi dreads! In this article we will focus on character development only. But, it's still pretty funny. Begin the insanity!

Tarantulas' Terrible Day

    The crunch reverberated through the corridor. Dino-Bot and Starbuck glanced up. Dino-Bot growled. "That came from the cargo bay!"
    They ran into the bay and stopped as the Rancor roared. Starbuck's face dropped. He screamed and ran. The Rancor roared once more and followed him. Dino-Bot made his way towards a crumpled form.
    The crumpled form's name was Tarantulas. He was an perverted android that had the ability to transform into a tarantula. Dino-Bot himself was an android, but he could transform into a velociraptor. While Tarantulas always laughed, Dino-Bot always growled. Right now Tarantulas was laughing and Dino-Bot was growling. "What happened?" Dino-Bot asked.
    Tarantulas continued chuckling. "That Rancor killed my Joymaster 2000's batteries!"
    "Used to being slagged, spider?" Dino-Bot inquired.
    "Well..." Tarantulas snickered. "Sort of. That doesn't matter! In a matter of minutes, Starbuck will be eaten alive by the Rancor." He burst out laughing. "Not like that matters." Dino-Bot fired his green eye-lasers at the Rancor. It moaned in pain and charged at Dino-Bot and Tarantulas. Tarantulas gaped. "Why did you spare Starbuck?!?"
    "I didn't. I just want to battle something."
    "Starbuck has been a thorn in my side long enough. So as punishment," He paused and picked up a mega-missile. "I want to give this to the Rancor and Starbuck!!!" He laughed maniacally.
    Dino-Bot saw what he was going to do. "NO!!!" he screamed, but it was too late. Tarantulas pulled the trigger. As the Rancor was about to jump on Tarantulas, the mega-missile hit it.

    Worf continued walking down the corridor with Darth Vader. Darth Vader kept talking about something Worf wasn't interested in at all. "The Dark Side has more power than you can imagine." Darth Vader stated.
    Worf turned to Darth Vader. "I'm not interested."
    "If I had the Force, you would be." Darth Vader threatened.
    The floor suddenly shuddered. Worf saw Londo run to him. "Cargo Bay 178 exploded!" Londo exclaimed.
    Worf ran to the bay with Londo and Darth Vader tagging behind. They stopped at a smoking door. Worf hit the override and it opened. A black and charred Dino-Bot carried a bloody and half-dead Starbuck out. He grunted and walked towards Sickbay. Tarantulas stumbled out with wires hanging out and sparks flying out of him. He also was covered in goo.
    Worf picked some off. "What is that goo?"
    Tarantulas kept stumbling out. "Rancor." he said before he collapsed.

    Tarantulas grumbled as he entered the computer database. He had stormed out of Sickbay, not happy that he would have to be in the Critical Repair (or CR) Chamber for a week. After being squished and having a mega-missile capable of wiping out everything in a range of 500 metres explode in his face, the holographic doctor insisted upon the repair. Tarantulas was still in bad shape, but in his beast mode, he was slowly repairing himself.
    He crept along the floor to the main terminal. He felt like hacking today. Tarantulas was a master hacker, but his insanity tended to keep him in check. He commanded the computer to display the crew confidential files.
    "Can not comply; for Captain's eyes only."
    "Do we have a captain?" he typed.
    "Negative."
    "Then show them to me."
    "Give access code."
    "Ding Dong."
    "Access Denied."
    "Everlasting Gobstoppers."
    "Access Denied."
    The conversation kept going until Tarantulas hit lucky. "There is no access code." he typed excitedly.
    The computer blinked. "Access granted. Took you long enough."
    Tarantulas snarled. "Shut up, you blinkity-blink excuse for a digital photocopier!"
    The computer began listing the confidential files. He laughed and read:

Dino-Bot: excessively violent.
Tarantulas: unusually insane.
Londo: cowardly because of intimidation.
Starbuck: full of himself.
The Cat: extremely vain.
The Governor: a cat.     As Tarantulas read on, he noticed he already knew this stuff! Tarantulas pounded his fist against the console. "Why is this stuff confidential?!?!?!?" he yelled. His excess noise drew the attention of another presence. HAL's red eye stared at Tarantulas as he had a temper tantrum.
    Tarantulas pulled out his gun. "Stupid computer!" he screamed. He shot it. It exploded sending him hurling across the floor. He landed painfully on a computer slot.
    Suddenly, the lights dimmed and the door locked. All air vents shut off. "What?!?" he screamed. He saw HAL. "What are you doing?!?"
    "You are jeopardizing the mission, Dave." HAL said simply.
    Tarantulas screamed as the single airlock opened and he was swept towards outer space. Before he left the air filled room, he hit his com-link. "DINO-BOT!!!" he yelled. He never heard a response because there was no more air. The ship was shrinking as he flew farther away. He shook his fist.
    Then he hit an asteroid and shattered into dozens of parts...again.

Dino-Bot looked into the CR Chamber. "How long till he's out?" he asked the holographic doctor about Tarantulas.
"A month." the doctor snorted. "Absolutely idiotic." He saw Dino-Bot laughing.

The End

Insults, Arguments, and Nothing Else

    The corridor was deserted as Starbuck entered his quarters. He grinned. "Auto-lock and soundproof room." The door sealed itself.
    He made his way to the closet and entered his security code. The door opened and there sat Starbuck's collection: Spice Girls music videos, Jennifer Love Hewitt movies, the Tomb Raider series, and a Baywatch video collection. He grabbed a Spice Girls video and put it into the computer slot.
    As the video played, his smirk grew and he strained closer to the television to get a better look at the girls. A knock on the door interrupted his daze. He turned off the televison and walked to the door. "Open." he commanded.
    The door opened and Londo was outside. "Starbuck, can I borrow a screwdriver?" Londo's eyes widened at the sight of the Spice Girls' tour video.
    "Yeah, sure." Starbuck snorted. While Starbuck rummaged through his closet, Londo snuck in and took the Spice Girls video. Starbuck handed him the screwdriver. "Knock yourself out." he muttered.
    Londo grinned. "I will!"

    Dino-Bot's face dropped heavily. "No!" he yelled.
    "Just for a minute!" said Diane. "I need to run out and grab some more snacks!"
    Dino-Bot crossed his arms. "I refuse to watch...them." he stated with venom. He was talking about the partying 13 year old girls. "They do not need watching."
    Diane scowled. "You're the only one I can trust around here. That Starbuck guy would probably stare at them the whole night. And Londo is busy rebuilding the cargo bay."
    "What about Worf?" Dino-Bot snarled.
    "Dino-Bot, get serious! Worf would grunt all night and scare the girls!"
    "Are you saying I won't! If you haven't noticed, I am a warrior who delights in battle, not Babysitter Barbie!!!" Dino-Bot growled.
    Diane dragged him into the Party room where loud music was being played. "Girls!" she called. "Turn off the music and listen for a moment!' Backstreet Boys died down and the girls chatted quietly. Diane continued. "This is Dino-Bot. He's here to watch you while I run down to grab more snacks."
    Some girls groaned. Dino-Bot snapped at them. The girl who's birthday was being celebrated, Janice, stepped forward. "Mom! I don't need babysitting!!"
    Dino-Bot grinned slightly. "The child is right. I will be on my--"
    Diane stopped him. "He's not babysitting. He's making sure you don't spill any of the drinks."
    Dino-Bot roared. "I am not a janitor!!!"
    Diane pulled him close. "Just go with me here!" she whispered. "If you're not afraid..."
    "I do not fear pre-pubescent girls!" he shouted. "I will watch them. But only for 30 minutes at most!"
    Diane smirked. "Dino-Bot! You're a doll!"
    "I eat dolls." Dino-Bot snorted.

    Starbuck heard yet another knock at the door. It opened to reveal C-3PO. "Starbuck. I was wondering if I could borrow a.....socket wrench."
    Starbuck huffed and made his way to the closet. C-3PO grabbed a Baywatch video and called back out to Starbuck. "Never mind!" He took off down the corridor as fast as his legs could carry him.
    Starbuck came back into his room. "What?"   He looked around. "Where did he go? I go to all the trouble of getting that bloody wrench, and for what? Him to take off!" he sneered.
    A knock sounded on the door. Starbuck opened it and Worf strode in. "Have you seen C-3PO? It is urgent."
    Starbuck sighed. "You just missed him."
    Worf pounded his fist in the wall and, unbeknownst to Starbuck, palmed a Jennifer Love Hewitt video. "I will find him!"
    Starbuck raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
    Worf straightened. "Well, um....it is not your concern!" He stormed out.
    Starbuck leaned against the wall. "Why is everyone visiting my quarters tonight? The only one who hasn't stopped by is Dino-Bot...."

    Dino-Bot leaned against the wall staring at the girls. They leaned against the wall staring at him. From across the room, no one moved. Dino-Bot clearly did not want to be there. The girls clearly did not want him there. So they stared at each other.
    Finally Janice spoke. "Can we turn on the music?"
    "NO!" Dino-Bot snapped, then remembered the occasion. "Very well, but no Rod Stewart!!"
    The Backstreet Boys started again and several of the girls whispered to each other while looking at Dino-Bot, Janice included. Dino-Bot amplified his sonic receptors and caught the girls in mid-conversation.
    "---just stare at us?"
    "I don't like him. I think he's gay." Janice said.
    "Where are we anyway? And how come that freak exists?!"
    "He's ugly." Janice commented.
    Dino-Bot could take no more. He walked to the girls, who immediately ceased talking. "Why do you not just talk to me? I don't care of your opinions about my looks. Now shut up or I will terminate you."
    The girls snorted and walked away. "What a geek."
    Dino-Bot brought out his weapons. "I will not harm any of you." he said to the worried looks. He began practising his warrior weapon skills. He snorted as they danced to the music of the Mofettes. Some of the girls eyed him evilly.

    Starbuck opened the door. Cat walked in. "Do you happen to have something?"
    "What?"
    "That!" Cat removed the final video, the one Starbuck was watching and ran.
    Starbuck looked incredulously as Cat took off. "My videos..."

In quarters around the ship, various crew members watched videos with attractive women, courtesy of Starbuck's not-so-secret supply. Over 150 videos in all had been taken and all of the crew sat with smirks.
Except Dino-Bot. After an hour, he left the Party room covered in punch the girls had "accidentally" dumped on him. He vowed to get even and left smelling like really cheap perfume.

The End of nothing much

To Get Even

    Starbuck growled at the crew as they passed and waved laughing. He bumped into Cat in the corridor. "Hey, buddy!"
    "Oh you." Starbuck snorted.
    "Hey! Aren't you glad to see Mr. Cool? Everybody loves me! And look, I'm tough!!" Cat mimed sharpening his claws.
    Starbuck shoved past.

    Dino-Bot sat in the Sickbay looking at the CR chamber. "How much longer?!?" he said, quite annoyed.
    The holographic doctor walked in. "I told you, not for another week! Stop asking. If you have a debt to settle, it can wait. Doc Conners is lecturing me about Neogenics."
    "Why?" Dino-Bot asked.
    "I don't know. Now what is this debt that needs settling?"
    "No debt. I need him to scare a few girls."
    "He does have that effect. And knowing him, he'd probably enjoy it. Why scare girls?"
    "Forget it. I have to look up on someone." Dino-Bot left quickly.

    Peri sat in Quark's new bar drinking a club soda. The 6th Doctor continued talking. "I have been in a fair number of bars in my day, but I do say, this is quite the establishment."
    "Great, Doctor." Peri mumbled.
    "So Quark," the Doctor chatted. "How is the new bar handling with all these various cultures demanding new and interesting drinks."
    Quark shrugged. "It's good for business; who am I to argue?"
    The Doctor laughed. He then noticed Dino-Bot walk in. "Ah, Dino-Bot my dear chap! You must try the Perrier."
    "I hate Perrier. Quark, your bar is up and running I see. You can come back to the Mega-Tron Torture bar anytime you want."
    Quark stiffened. "I have people to serve."
    The Doctor stifled a laugh. "I do believe you've made a lasting impression, Dino-Bot."
    Dino-Bot went straight to the point. "How long are you staying?"
    "You don't enjoy my company!"
    "You are over-reacting."
    "I think not! I never over-react!!! We don't need to take this, do we Peri?!?" the Doctor shouted.
    Peri scratched her head. "I think you are over-reacting."
    "Nonsense! We are leaving!" the Doctor dragged Peri out. Dino-Bot followed them and watched as they stepped into the TARDIS. It vanished with a grinding noise.
    Dino-Bot snorted. "I wonder what got into him!"

Starbuck waited as Londo walked towards his quarters. Londo opened the door and walked in. Starbuck plugged his ears and sniggered. Underneath the door, green gas began to flow. Starbuck has laid similar bombs in all of the other culprits' rooms. This bomb contained a gas that causes diarrhea. Londo left the room coughing fiercely. Halfway down the corridor, Londo clutched his stomach and ran back to his quarters. Starbuck laughed and ran to his quarters.
He opened the door to his quarters and went to his special closet. In it, he noticed that his Tomb Raider games were gone, along with all his posters of the women on American Gladiators. On the floor was a note:

If you want to see the pictures, Games, and posters again,
run through the ship a couple of time naked saying
"Dino-Bot is Gay." It is only because of the bombs
that we do this.
The Secret Society and Cat Starbuck buried his head in his hands.

    Dino-Bot walked into Diane's quarters. "Is Janice here?" he asked.
    Diane rubbed her head. "Yeah, but she's asleep. It's late Dino-Bot."
    "I know." he grinned. He went into Janice's quarters.
    Janice moaned slightly and opened her eyes. All she saw was a throat, teeth and a tongue wrapping itself around her head. She screamed. The head removed itself and the lights went on. Diane ran in. Janice sat up in bed looking at the laughing Dino-Bot in beast mode. "You gaylord!" Janice shouted.
    Diane stared at Dino-Bot and Janice. "Dino-Bot!"
    "Oh I am sorry. That was too good." Dino-Bot laughed.
    Diane growled. Dino-Bot stopped laughing. "Tell your friends to steer clear of me if they want to continue insulting me." he snickered. "Just be glad Tarantulas isn't on-line. He might have eaten you." He left the quarters.
    As he walked down the corridor, Starbuck ran by naked. "DINO-BOT IS GAY!!!" he yelled. Several crew members cheered.
    "What is going on?!?" Dino-Bot bellowed. He caught Londo. "Speak about this now!"
    Londo stopped himself from laughing. "We all took Starbuck's private collection."
    "Even Tomb Raider?!"
    "Yes. Then we demanded ransom."
    "Clever." Dino-Bot commented. "For that, I won't kill him."
    He continued walking down the corridor. He could still hear Starbuck shouting. But he heard something else. A grinding noise.
    The TARDIS appeared and the doors opened. A man in a hat and toting a umbrella with a question mark steppedout. "There you are!" the man said.
    "Doctor! Your clothes match. What is with the question marks? And why were you a jerk before???" Dino-Bot asked the 7th Doctor.
    "Mid-life crisis? I don't know. Just a phase. I want to apologise, my friend." The Doctor said.
    "Very well. I will forgive you, but if you do it again..." Dino-Bot smiled. "...I will not be so nice."
    The Doctor laughed. "Quit playing tough guy, I know you too well. But I want--" He was interrupted by Starbuck running by naked.
    "DINO-BOT IS GAY!!!" Starbuck shouted. Dino-Bot laughed heartily.

The End

Return to Chaos

    Things never make much sense in dreams. They are contorted and twisted. Characters always change from one person to someone else completely. That's just the way things are. Dreams make slightly more sense in the CR Chamber, but not much. Tarantulas moaned in his sleep-like state.
    "The whole thing is crazy, how can you say that, pass me that screwdriver, warp 7 number one, come meet my dog, I like cheese, Tarantulas have you ever danced, he gonna get you, stop that man, turn around." Voices were changing constantly in Tarantulas dream. "Eat the chicken, type quickly, I'm cool, watch out, he ate it, how can that be?" A scream pierced through the dream, through the voices....
....and the CR Chamber door opened. The holographic doctor stood in front of his blurry vision tapping a panel. "You're awake at last. Dino-Bot has been looking for you."
    "He always...." Tarantulas was interrupted by the dream multi-voices. "A good time, always blue my friend, attacking the ship now, hurry now before you, come quick." Tarantulas held his head in anguish.
    The doc went to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright? Let me take a look at you."
    Tarantulas waved him off. "No, I---" The voices started and he leaned against a medical bed. "On second thought, take a look."
    The doc scanned him. "It appears that....oh my."

Three hours earlier:
    Dino-Bot looked at the newcomer. "I knew he would come eventually. I will give him standard greeting: Go away!"
    Retro 70's Actor Man looked up in anger. He ran his hands along his thighs in an insane manner, as if he wanted to impress someone. His hair was slightly spiked and he wore tights. He always clutched a knife that could retract. "How dare you insult my presence!" he said with a terrible accent.
    "You are obviously gay. Leave me alone, David Bowie." Dino-Bot snarled.
    "My evil corrupts all! You will all perish beneath my will!" he exclaimed and struck a dramatic pose.
    Dino-Bot held up his finger and was about to say something when he paused. "Why do I feel strange?" He clutched his head slightly. "What have you done, Retro 70's Actor Man? Why do I feel...giddy?"
    "I do not evoke giddiness. I evoke pain to all..." Retro 70's Actor Man stared off into space slightly.
    Londo walked into the room. "Hey, Dino-Bot. I was wondering if....what's the matter?"
    Dino-Bot stared on. "Seal off the deck. Now."
    "Why should..." Londo stopped in mid-sentence.
    The air vents continued to circulate the air through the ship. No one stopped them. They couldn't even try.

Meanwhile:
The CR chamber protects the occupant it is repairing. However, microbes can enter if there is a hole. There was a hole. Normally, microbes don't affect robotic life. This one does. But how does it effect someone being repaired? Good question. While the occupant is being repaired and a microbe invades the system, the system tries to purge it. But when the repair sequence is finished and the microbe is not fully expelled, what happens to the microbe?
Further more what happens to the occupant?
What happened to Tarantulas?

Three hours later:
    The doc went to the security console. "Doctor to Worf; come in." No response. He cursed. "It's too late. I suppose it's only a matter of time before it corrupts me as well."
    Tarantulas sat up. "What is it?!"
    "The virus. It's back." the doc stated darkly.
    "The one which gave us rashes on our noses?" Tarantulas asked. "Becuase I don't have a nose."
    "The insanity virus." the doc stated simply.
    "NO!!!" Tarantulas screamed.
    "The CR Chamber flushed most of the virus out of your system. But it still is having an effect on you." Suddenly, the ships lights dimmed. "You can't help us in this state. Go into the CR Chamber and let--"
    "I know!" interrupted Tarantulas. "But I will also let the Chamber scan me and give me an anti-virus."
    "Might not last long." the doc noted. Controls suddenly began to flicker. "It will affect my program too soon."
    "I will purge the virus from my system. In the meantime...Computer! Seal Sickbay!" Tarantulas yelled.
    "Why Dave?" asked HAL.
    "So the mission can succeed!!" Tarantulas screamed. HAL sealed the door just as the doc blinked off. Tarantulas ran to the CR Chamber. "HAL! How long until you are affected?"
    "I don't know....." HAL paused in mid-sentence. "Hot-cross buns. Hot-cross buns. See how they roll..."
    Tarantulas didn't wait to hear more. He entered the Chamber and it locked into place. He fell into the sleep-like state. The voices began.

Sometime later:
    The ship was crawling with the insane. Data stopped by the lift and turned to the Cat. "Are you my mother?" he asked.
    "No. I am the Mingler! And soon you will all become vapour!" Cat replied.
    "Okay. I'll find my real mother." Data turned to leave but bumped into Retro 70's Actor Man.
    "I am a lawyer. You will fear me and give me butterscotch ice-cream." he said.
    Scotty ran out of the turbo-lift as it opened. He was naked. "Where's me magic peacocks?!?" he yelled and ran through the corridors.
    Data ran after him. "Wait! Are you my mother?!"
    Dino-Bot was in the docking bay still with Londo. "A B C D E F...Drat. What's the next one?" Dino-Bot asked.
    "Ding Dong!" Londo said as he poked his navel.
    Dino-Bot gawked at him. "Wow! A B C D E F G H I...Drat. What's next?"
    "Ding Dong!" Londo pressed his navel again.
    Starbuck walked in dressed as Hitler. "I am your leader! Heil! Repeat! Heil!"
    Dino-Bot sucked his thumb. "Hi. What's the next one?"
    "Ding Dong!" Londo pressed his navel yet again.

    The CR Chamber opened to darkness. "Repair cycle complete." it stated.
    Tarantulas stepped out. "Good. HAL?"
    HAL looked at him. "Hi, this is HAL's residence. We're not able to come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number after the beep, we'll get back to you as soon as we can." HAL paused then beeped sharply.
    "Buzz off computer scum!" Tarantulas brought out his gun and destroyed HAL's red eye. He began to laugh. "I haven't felt this good in a long time!" He continued laughing for 10 minutes, then stopped. "Oh yes! I have to save the ship. Oh well, I leave them to their deaths." he snickered. "And I will leave. CR Chamber: give me the anti-virus."
    The CR Chamber spewed out a vial. "Warning: Effective for 24 hours only."
    "What?!? Not permanently!!!" He sighed. "Oh well. Not like I'm staying here. I will build a vortex on a technologically advanced planet and get myself home." he giggled.
    He entered the docking bay and stepped inside Eagle 2. "Good bye, Babylon Dwarf!" he laughed evilly. "See you...never!" He took off and left the ship...adrift.

The End?!?

Such a tragic ending. But hey, it was Tarantulas! What is going to happen now? Join us as:

Tarantulas is "rescued".
Kryten is controlled!
Robbie the Robot joins the crew.
Someone is trying to kill the Governor! Until then, we will exit on a song......Uh, I can't think of one. Never mind. See you next time on:
"The Telling of Mixed-up Space"