Leospace3!

The Telling of Mixed-up Space     Who is there? Oh, it's just a lonely little guy with a strange tale to tell. He walks in and sits down on your favourite chair. You raise an eyebrow and encourage him to tell his tale. He smiles and demands a Tootsie Roll. You fetch him one and watch him undo the wrapping. You tell him to get on with it. He mutters and begins:
    "Tarantulas left the Babylon Dwarf in an effort to return to his own universe." he says.
    "I know that." you say.
    "The crew were all insane and could not help themselves." he says.
    "Yes, yes. Get on with the new stuff!" you demand.
    Snorting, he continues. "Tarantulas never completely got over the Virus-induced voices though."
    "Ah!" you exclaim.
    "While piloting the shuttle, he landed on a planet to build a vortex. The planet was full of a technologically advanced species. This was good for Tarantulas. But the voices kept coming, keeping him from his work."
    "Anything else?" you ask excitedly.
    "If you recall from the crew's first encounter with the insanity virus, they...let me begin properly." he leans back.
    You tense, ready for anything.

The Task

    "I must finish....must Finish....leave me alone!!!" Tarantulas called out to no one. His robotic form was trembling from stress. Voices ran through his head. Half-sentences by dozens of voices, stopping his work. He was in a laboratory on a planet known as "The Haven". All people on it respected all forms of life.
    The people on "The Haven" were more than happy enough to help Tarantulas with his quest to go home. Tarantulas had arrived only a month before, and enjoyed the planet. It was full of small rodents who bred like crazy. Not rats, but hey! What the heck!
    However the voices continued. Some blamed him for countless acts, others screamed in pain that sent shivers through out him. Some just begged for mercy, and others just talked on about senseless things. It began as something that only happened now and then. But it progressed into something terrible. He felt like peace of mind was not to be found anymore. Now, silence was rare.
    Tarantulas converted to beast mode and ran outside his temporary lab. The air should have felt rejuvenating, but didn't. He was feeling so bad, he hadn't even laughed in a long time. "I will succeed! But, my head is aching! Why won't you stop!?!?" he cried.
    Running into town, nobody pointed at him as he was a giant tarantula. He stopped outside the alchemist's store and sighed as the voices stopped. In the shop was sold many a trinket. While medieval alchemists worked with potions and such, these ones worked with electrical gadgets. "Tarantulas terrorize!" He activated his transformation sequence and walked into the shop.
    The shopkeeper looked up with an eye. That's easy to do when you are a bipedal chameleon. "Tarantulas! Eat any good rats?" he asked.
    "Not recently. But I was going to torture someone!" Tarantulas laughed.
    The alchemist laughed too, thinking it was a joke. "What are you looking for this time?"
    "Well, I hoped to replace a joystick I left back on....that place I came from."
    "A joystick?" the alchemist replied.
    "Yes, I will need a 53345-LPK354\219 realignment module." Tarantulas grinned.
    "Whoa! Must have been one heck of a joystick." the alchemist said as he fished around the shelves.
    "It certainly was." Tarantulas couldn't really stand the small talk. But if he wanted to get home to complete his mission, the sacrifice was worth it.
    "Here you are!" the alchemist set the module on the counter. "That'll be 25 Dr. Pepper cans."
    "Here you go." Tarantulas handed him the cans, waved and left for the lab. Once there he resumed his work. After inserting the module, he commanded the computer: "Begin portal sequence Argon."
    The computer hummed. "Sequence initiated. Portal opening." An arch on the other side of the lab shot electricity into the air and a portal began to shimmer into existence.
    "Excellent!" he cackled.
    The vortex stabilized and Tarantulas could see the Maximal base on the other side. The computer interrupted him. "Warning: Time-Space discontinuity detected. Vortex leads to undefined time."
    Tarantulas studied the controls. "Looks like just after the alien machine and Optimus was destroyed." he pondered. He began to step towards the vortex.
    "Warning: stepping through portal will create unstable quantum surge. Effect on space-time continuum: unknown." the computer stated.
    "A quantum surge! That will change history! What will happen if I leave and prevent my coming here?!" he murmured to himself. "Oh well!"
    He stepped through the portal....and the voices were silent for good. The End

Awakening

    Worf broke out of the closet. "At last!" he growled. After he noticed the insanity virus infecting the crew, he tried to reach sickbay. Unfortunately, he was locked in the closet by Robot. In there he discovered Chewbacca, who had been locked in there for the past two months, living off of rats. Chewie had also contracted the virus and repeatedly knocked himself unconscious.
    Worf brought Chewie's prone form to the ground. He took off to sickbay. The doors opened and he stepped in. Klingons were naturally immune to the insanity virus because they were all so naturally grouchy. He stepped in. "Computer: activate EMH program!"
    HAL's red eye was smoking and charred. His speakers were cracked. Worf examined them. They resembled missile damage shot at close range. Only one person was insane enough to fire a missile at close range. "Tarantulas." he grumbled.
    Worf made his way to the control console and opened it. The wires were half-melted and sparks shot from them. The virus reacted curiously with electronic devices. Worf soldered the wires and reconnected them in several places. The doctor blinked on. "Please state the nature of the medical emergency." He glanced around hurriedly. "Tarantulas?" he asked.
    "No." Worf rumbled. "He is not on board. And HAL is damaged from a close-range missile." Worf snorted and picked up a piece of shrapnel.
    The doctor looked shocked. "I don't believe it! He was supposed to save us! I tried to contact you, but I couldn't reach you. I had to rely on Tarantulas."
    "I was locked in the closet." Worf stated. "And Eagle 2 is missing."
    "I can't believe Tarantulas would just desert us like that!" the doc sulked.
    "He did and he is insane. We should have suspected him sooner. Dino-Bot did not trust him in the slightest." Worf grimaced.
    "At any rate, we must cure the crew immediately. I have a feeling my circuits won't last long with that jury-rigging you did." The doc picked up a pad and tried to get it working. "Ever since the last insanity virus outbreak, I've installed a ship-wide filtration system right here in sickbay. I thought Tarantulas would be able to come up with an antivirus, but since he decided to leave we will have to manufacture one ourselves."
    Worf nodded.

    The crew stopped and lifted their heads as a hissing noise filled the air all through out the ship. Within the hour, they were all back to normal. Dino-Bot, Londo, and Retro 70's Actor Man went to sickbay.
    Worf met them. "Tarantulas has left the ship."
    Dino-Bot snorted. "I believe it. This is a turn that is dangerous for us all."
    Londo tapped a control pad. "The sensors say there is a huge disturbance in the space-time continuum at these coordinates." he pointed to the screen.
    Worf growled. "That is ‘The Haven'."
    Retro 70's Actor Man struck a pose. "We must do something now! My evil will corrupt those who try to stop us! This planet is no match for me!!!" he yelled as he played with a knife.
    Dino-Bot turned to the doc. "Is there space in sickbay?"
    The doc shrugged. "Yes. Why?"
    Dino-Bot punched Retro 70's Actor Man in the face. He landed on the ground out cold. "That's why. Leave the fool sedated until we can locate Tarantulas. I think he may have something to do with that disturbance."
    Dino-Bot took off towards the bridge, but was stopped by a robot. He snarled. "Look, Robot, I don't have time to---"
    The robot interrupted him. "I am not that Robot. I am Robbie."
    "Great! Another freak who's goal in life is to hinder me!" Dino-Bot growled and strolled down the hall.
    Robbie followed him. "I am not a hindrance, sir. My program is to serve you."
    "Fine. Take me to ‘The Haven'. I believe the Ice Pirate Jason is available in his ship." Dino-Bot stated.
    "Yes sir."
    They entered Docking Bay 14 where Jason met them. "I'm sorry, guy. The ship is not working right now."
    Dino-Bot grabbed Robbie and pulled him into Thunderbird 1. Londo followed inside and the ship took off.

    ‘The Haven' was tranquil and quiet before the storms. It happened as soon as Tarantulas reentered his cave. A multicolored cloud hung over the planet and lightening continued to strike all through out it. It expanded and winds blew across the planet. The people thought that perhaps evil had corrupted the world or that maybe they were being attacked discreetly.
    Actually, it was a massive disturbance in the space-time continuum caused by Tarantulas. It was dangerous in his universe as well. It caused a quantum surge that accelerated through time and space at unusual rates. If left unattended, there would be no telling what would happen to the space around the area.
    Dino-Bot landed Thunderbird 1 dragging the Governor and Kryten out with him. He threw both on the ground and glared at them. "Explain yourself."
    Kryten's hands shook. "Well, sir, we, uh, I was trying to get Mr. Governor out of the ship, and, uh, he was asleep and wouldn't move, sir."
    "I don't like stowaways." Dino-Bot growled. "Now Governor...Where did he go?" He transformed to beast mode and sniffed the air. "This way."
    They fought against the winds and entered Tarantulas' cave. Kryten looked around the cave. "This was unusually easy to find, don't you think, sir?"
    Dino-Bot laughed. "Ha! Tarantulas was always obvious."
    The Governor pointed a paw at the portal. "What's that?"
    Dino-Bot looked through the portal at the Maximal base. "Some place I hope to return to. But not this way, it's too unstable. Tarantulas is a fool."
    The Governor whispered into Kryten's ear. Kryten nodded. "Yes sir. I'll do it right away." Kryten worked the controls.
    Dino-Bot snarled. "What are you doing?"
    "What Mr. Governor asked me to sir." he responded.
    The Governor snickered. "He owes me a kitty treat."
    The portal exploded and shattered all the glass in the room. Tarantulas landed on the ground damaged and off-line. Dino-Bot turned his head away from the portal. "Destroy it." he commanded softly.
    Londo nodded in understanding and laid some detonators. Picking up Tarantulas, Dino-Bot stalked to Thunderbird 1. The storm was quieting. But not with Dino-Bot.

The End

Power (and a Few Bickerings)

    The CR Chamber door opened and Tarantulas shook his head as he stepped out. The world was blurry, but suddenly sharpened. His last memories were of being in a vortex and almost reaching the Maximal base, but then being pulled back and watching a quantum surge change...himself?
    But he was staring at the Sickbay on the Babylon Dwarf. Kryten was looking at him anxiously. "Are you all right Mr. Tarantulas, sir?"
    Tarantulas leapt up and grabbed him by the throat. Kryten made a few gagging noises while Tarantulas hissed at him. "Why did you get me out?"
    "Of what sir?" Kryten stammered.
    "The portal!!! Why did you rescue me?" Tarantulas yelled.
    "Well, it wasn't me, sir! It was the Governor's idea and he ordered me! I had no idea it would displease you, Mr. Tarantulas sir." Kryten clarified.
    "Really..." Tarantulas dropped Kryten, who fell to the floor with a thud. "Well, I sure must thank the Governor, mustn't I?"
    Kryten stood up. "Well, if you say so, sir."
    Tarantulas leaned closer to him. "Oh I do." He began to laugh sinisterly. "But first, we must...talk." He continued laughing as he took Kryten into the next room.

    The Governor snored loudly. His ginger fur coat all nice and clean from his recent cleaning. All in all, he looked like a regular ginger cat, but his intelligence was unparalleled. His attention span was another story. He was so soundly asleep, that he did not notice the sniper rifle pointing in through the slightly ajar door.
    The Governor sang softly in his sleep. "I want chicken....want liver....tuna.....please deliver." And he continued snoring.
    The rifle took aim carefully. Suddenly, the Governor bolted upright and ran around the room for no particular reason. This spoiled the rifle's shot and five bullets ripped through the quarters, their sound muffled by a silencer. The Governor raced to a toilet and began to drink. The rifle withdrew back through the door and footsteps were heard running away.
    Not like the Governor noticed.

    The Governor sat down in the Dining hall and opened the menu. A waiter came up to him. "What would like for lunch?"
    "Food." the Governor replied.
    The waiter raised an eyebrow. "What type?"
    "Chicken burger, slave." the Governor replied.
    The waiter left and returned quickly with the burger. "Here you are sir."
    The Governor looked in disgust at the meal. "NO! That chicken is dead! I want a live one."
    The waiter left and soon returned with a live chicken in a bun. "All to your liking?"
    "No." the Governor sulked. "You forgot the salt."
    The waiter entered the kitchen, put the plate down, and searched the cupboards for salt. A hand slid out of the cupboard above the Governor's food, lifted one bun, and sprinkled cyanide all over the chicken. It clucked at the powder on it's feathers, and protested loudly at the bun being replaced. The hand returned into the cupboard as the waiter returned. He sprinkled on salt and took the burger back to the Governor.
    The Governor was staring at Worf eating his gak and turned to the waiter. "I'm not hungry anymore." He jumped down from the seat and ran off.
    The waiter threw down his apron and quit. He later retired to a planet entirely inhabited by dogs.

    Dino-Bot sat with the Governor in the Mega-Tron Torture Bar watching the show. Dino-Bot laughed in delight. "Did you see that?!?" he yelled.
    The Governor was busy eating rats. "Yeah."
    Tarantulas peered in through the ventilation duct. "Those are mine!" he growled.
    Holographic men in tight black clothing were whipping a hologram of Mega-Tron on stage. One man did not fit in right and stared at the Governor eating the rats. He raised the spiked whip into the air, flicked it once, and let it lash towards the oblivious Governor. Just before the whip struck him with deadly force, a clawed hand reached up and grabbed the end.
    Dino-Bot held the whip fast and growled. "Whip Mega-Tron! Now!"
    The whip holder dropped the whip and bolted out of the room. Dino-Bot snarled and shrugged at the near-death experience for the Governor. The Governor continued eating the rats.

    The Governor entered his quarters and was about to curl up on his favourite pillow, when the door chimed. He sat on his "spot" and flicked his tail. "What?" he asked annoyed.
    Worf walked in. "Can I talk to you?"
    "Why? I was about take a kitty nap on my pillow." the Governor objected.
    Worf looked at the pillow by the window. "That one?" he pointed.
    "Yes." the Governor huffed.
    "It has a three foot spike in it which is glowing with electricity." Worf stated impatiently.
    The Governor noticed it for the first time. "Oh. What do you want to talk about?"
    "I believe someone is trying to kill you."
    The Governor pondered this for a moment. "I guess so. That explains a few things."
    Dino-Bot walked in. "Governor, someone is trying to kill you."
    "Really?" the Governor asked.
    "I just told you that!" Worf protested.
    Dino-Bot sighed as Kryten walked in. Kryten spotted the Governor. "Here's that thing I owe you." he said. He pulled out a sub-machine gun and began to fire it half-crazed. He laughed maniacally.
    Worf covered the Governor, while Dino-Bot rolled and kicked the gun aside. He picked up Kryten and looked him in the eye. "What are you doing?!?" he yelled.
    "I, I don't know what you're talking about!" Kryten stammered. He began to laugh like a maniac. Soon he was rolling on the ground in laughter.
    Dino-Bot barked "Tarantulas!" and picked up Kryten's body.
    "Really?" Kryten asked.
    Worf pointed to the ground. "Look, a rat!"
    Kryten glanced around quickly. "WHERE?!?" He realized the trick and began to laugh.
    Dino-Bot shook his head. "You are sick. Worf, I will take him to Sickbay and see if the doctor can remove whatever Tarantulas is controlling him with. Governor! Stop making enemies!"
    The Governor was asleep.

The End

New Faces, Old Fights

    Dino-Bot strode into the loading bay with Starbuck. He looked upon the people gathered there. "Are these the new arrivals?" he asked, scratching his mouth with a clawed hand.
    Starbuck shuddered at the sight of the killer dinosaur. "Yeah...sure." he said.
    Dino-Bot grunted and turned to the new crew. "Listen up! I am Dino-Bot. There is no captain on board this vessel, so Starbuck will take complaints. Anyone who breaks the rules will answer to me. Understood?"
    The new arrivals mumbled affirmation. Dino-Bot smiled briefly and one man put up his hand. "Can we carry weapons?"
    Dino-Bot snorted. "Yes, as long as you don't use them when it's not necessary. Who are you?"
    The man sported a brown fedora and old clothing, suiting the old man. He had short hair that fell to his neck and was clean-shaving. "I am Centauri. Are you a Starfighter?"
    Dino-Bot looked at Starbuck. "He is. I am on Wednesdays."
    "Excellent!" Centauri laughed. "We can defend ourselves from..." He paused as Retro 70's Actor Man walked into the room. "From him! Stop him!"
    Retro 70's Actor Man glared at Centauri. "No one shall attempt to halt my--"
    Dino-Bot picked him up by the collar, stopping him in mid-sentence. "Him? He's Retro 70's Actor Man, not a villain. If anything, he's gay. Look at those tights!"
    Centauri studied Retro 70's Actor Man and nodded. "I see the difference. The one in my galaxy was sane. What are you anyway?"
    "I am a Maximal Transformer." Dino-Bot grunted. "Why?"
    "That doesn't matter. I was wondering if there are any gambling establishments close by. I need some pocket money." Centauri winked.
    Dino-Bot shook his fist. "Dino-Bot maximize!" He transformed into his robot mode and towered over Centauri. "Centauri. You're old, you're ugly, and I don't like you." He paused and grinned. "Welcome to the team." He stalked out of the bay dragging Retro 70's Actor Man with him.
    Retro 70's Actor Man continued his tirade. "...because no one dares to speak a word against my evil empire...."

    After Dino-Bot had thrown Retro 70's Actor Man into the holodeck with ‘Jurassic Park: The Game' on, he walked into Sickbay to check on Tarantulas. He found Tarantulas walking out of the CR Chamber. Dino-Bot couldn't help smirking. "Finished, fool?"
    Tarantulas swung his arms around in anger. "That's the last time I'm babysitting pre-pubescent girls for you, eater of dead camels!!!!"
    Dino-Bot burst out laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was Janice too rough on you?" he laughed again furiously.
    Tarantulas snorted and laughed a little at an incoming thought. "Hey, Dino-Bot?"
    "What?" Dino-Bot said, controlling his laughter.
    "It's about...your mom." he stated, deadpan.
    "What about my mom?" Dino-Bot inquired, narrowing his eyes.
    Tarantulas bowed his head. "Well..I...I...." He raised his head suddenly. "I ATE HER!!" he laughed hysterically.
    Dino-Bot grabbed his throat. "Do you really want me to hurt you that badly?!"
    Tarantulas continued snickering. "Yum yum yum!!!"
    Dino-Bot sat Tarantulas down. "Look. You've never met my mom. How could you eat her? Do you like endangering your life?"
    Tarantulas continued cackling. "Well....I killed your pet ferret and ate it's corpse!!" He started laughing some more.
    "I didn't have a pet ferret!" Dino-Bot shouted.
    "I burned down your house!" Tarantulas yelled.
    10 minutes later, the doc walked in to find Tarantulas sprawled on the ground, blackened by laser fire and off-line. The doc cursed at the world and dragged Tarantulas back into the CR Chamber.

    Londo drank some more fruit punch and watched Mega-Tron go down in a fury of flames. Dino-Bot and Starbuck were beside him with their own drinks. Dino-Bot with his motor oil with a dash of WD40, and a sprinkle of battery fluid. Starbuck with his chocolate milk. They were watching a hologram presentation of ‘Mega-Tron's sacrifice to the Fire God' in the Mega-Tron Torture Bar. Conga drums were beating in the background as scantily-clad natives dragged a tied Mega-Tron into the volcano.
    Dino-Bot laughed the whole time. He turned to Londo. "Did you see that?!?" he yelled.
    Londo nodded. Dino-Bot liked Londo now, it seemed. The whole torture thing must have been some kind of initiation into Dino-Bot's honour list. Still, Dino-Bot had his moments.
    Starbuck gulped down his 15th chocolate milk and clanked down the glass. He burped loudly. Dino-Bot punched him, sending him flying. "I missed one of Mega-Tron's pleas because of that belch! Pipe down!!"
    Starbuck raised his hands in a surrender. When Dino-Bot wasn't looking, Starbuck gave him the finger. Londo stifled a laugh and disguised it as a cough.
    Mega-Tron sank in the lava and Dino-Bot applauded. "That was good. Okay, next program?"
     ondo thought carefully. "Prelude and Fugue in B Minor?"
    "Only if Mega-Tron is the timpani! Well, let's go through the list:

‘Mega-Tron and the Almost Naked Whipping Women'
‘Mega-Tron in Napoleon's Firing Squad'
‘Mega-Tron in Quicksand being eaten by Fire Ants'
‘Mega-Tron being pierced by every Weapon'
‘Mega-Tron and the Corrosive Acid'
‘Mega-Tron and the---'"     A com signal broke through the conversation. "Worf to Dino-Bot."
    Dino-Bot sighed. "Dino-Bot here. Speak Klingon."
    "I am worried about the Governor. He wishes to trade quarters with me for no reason. He says he's bored." Worf snorted.
    "Well, humour him. Just for the night." Dino-Bot growled.
    "Very well. Worf out."
    Dino-Bot smiled briefly. "Now, back to the list..."

    Tarantulas stepped out of the CR Chamber shaking his head. He noted HAL staring at him. "What do you want, senile circuit board?!?" he growled.
    "I don't want anything, Dave." HAL stated.
    "I don't like you!" Tarantulas yelled. He pulled out his gun and destroyed HAL's eye. The doc walked in just as the missile connected.
    "What is your problem?!" the doc complained.
    "He was staring at me and I don't like that!!!" Tarantulas yelled back.
    The doc threw his arms up in defeat. "Why can't you just get along with people? Is it that hard for you just to try to socialize? I don't even want to know why you controlled Kryten last week."
    Tarantulas narrowed his eyes. "Oh yes! I have a debt that needs paying in full." He began to laugh like a crackpot.
    The doc stopped and glared at him. "You are not going to do anything stupid, Tarantulas! I am tired of putting you back in the CR Chamber!"
    "I'm the one who won't need repairing." Tarantulas snickered.
    "The only way out of here is through me." the doc said simply.
    A minute later, Tarantulas walked out of Sickbay laughing while the doc's holographic emitter sparked and smoked from missile fire. He walked down the corridor.
    Tarantulas hacked his way into the Governor's quarters and stepped in. He scanned the room and noticed no one in there. "Perfect." he giggled. He hid 15 detonators in the room and put some other items around. He laughed wickedly and walked out, setting the timer.

    Five hours later, Worf walked in to the Governor's quarters after just completing his shift. He sighed at the cat's quarters and removed the mattress from the bed. That was his favourite way of resting and he needed resting. Slipping onto the blanket, he tried to make his migraine go away. He was exhausted and felt good relaxing. Soon his mind drifted...
    The clock turned to 2:00 am.
    Lights flashed on and off in the quarters and loud foghorns blared. Screaming, Worf jumped up from bed and ran to the door. Before it opened bomb explosions ripped through the room sending Worf flying towards the table. He fell on it and it snapped. Suddenly, the roof rained pounds of confetti and Worf had trouble seeing. Just like a blizzard, it coated everything and Handel's Messiah blared through the speakers with the foghorns. At last, the confetti stopped and a huge banner rolled down from the roof.
    The banner read:

DO YOU LIKE THIS, HAIR-FILLED BEAST?!?
FROM TARANTULAS Worf yelled death threats and grabbed his bat'leth.

    Tarantulas glanced at the rats trapped from left to right. In his beast mode, a tarantula, he usually endeavoured to eat as many rats as possible. He selected the largest and picked it up. "Bye bye!" he laughed.
    The door chimed and Tarantulas cursed. He put down the rat and transformed to robot mode. He opened the door.
    Worf screamed and slashed down his blade, cutting Tarantulas right through the middle. He screamed and fell in two separate halves.

The End

The old man finished his story and sat back. You glare at him. "You end like that?!" you scream. He nods. You shake your head, groaning. "Get out." you say. He looks up in surprise. "You heard me. Now I go to the famous Mr. Leopard for the stories!" You say. I watch and grin. Next issue: "Villainous Mixed-up Space" in Leospace4.

Back to Leopard's Domain!