Dino-Bot regarded C-3PO afterwards.  "Why weren't you affected?"
    "You didn't let me finish explaining the situation.  I was going to tell you that the bright light overloaded my optic senses.  I was blind.  When he said he was a solicitor, I knew he was evil.  Normal salesman would have said "I am from Avon" because they are afraid of the word ‘solicitor'.  And I threatened to sue.  Any salesman runs when the threat of a lawsuit is near."
C-3PO said proudly.
    Dino-Bot and Lando groaned.

    Starbuck stepped out of his quarters in new pants.  He began to make his way to the bridge.  On his way to the turbo-lift, Tarantulas stopped him.  "Ah, Starbuck!" he laughed maniacally.  "I need to borrow you."  He laughed again.
    Starbuck looked at the giant spider.  He sighed.  "Does it involve pain?"
    "None."  Tarantulas laughed again.  He transformed into a robot and led Starbuck down the corridor.  They stopped at Tarantulas' Lair.  "Come in."  He started laughing again.  Starbuck rolled his eyes and went in.
    Inside were many gizmos, gadgets, and rats.  Live ones.  Starbuck was led to a chair and he sat.  He saw Tarantulas bring out a device and instantly stood up.  "I have to go!"
    Tarantulas frowned.  "The Joymaster 2000 is going to work this time!  Sit!!!"
    Starbuck sat.  The Joystick was to his left.  He picked it up.

    Starbuck left the Lair wearing a ballroom gown.  Tarantulas called after him.  "I'll get it next time!"  He trudged to his quarters, but was stopped by Lando.  "Starbuck, I need you to help..." His voice trailed off.  Starbuck removed the tiara.  "To give Cat this message."  Lando handed Starbuck a note.  Starbuck put it into his purse and walked down the hall, tripping over his high heels.

    A chime sounded in the room.  Cat looked up quickly.  "If you're a woman, come on in!"  Starbuck entered.  "You're a woman?  Too ugly.  Go back to hell, dog!"
    "I've got a message for you."
    "With that dress!  Is that pink lipstick and Calvin Cline ‘Obsession'?"
    "Read the note."
    "Okay.  ‘To Cat:' It's for me!!!"
    Starbuck sighed.  "Yes it is."
    Cat read the note and threw it out.  "The nerve!  Asking me to buy a birthday present for you!  With that dress sense!"
    Starbuck turned to leave, but tripped on a clothes pile and had his face land in something soft, hairy and wet.  Cat opened his mouth.  "That's my hair ball collection!  Get out!"
    Starbuck left the room with a ballroom gown and hair balls on his face.

    Starbuck entered the holodeck to wash his face.  "Computer: Gentle Stream program."
    Dino-Bot's voice filled the air.  "I knew you would try that program Lando.  So I recorded this message to tell you this: Keep the safeties on."  Dino-Bot's voice laughed.  The scene shimmered and was replaced by ‘Jurassic Park: The Game'.
    A T-Rex jumped at him.  He stumbled backwards and fell into a tar pit.  A dead dinosaur landed on him as he tried to get up.
    Starbuck left the holodeck with a ballroom gown soaked in tar and blood, with hair balls on his face.

    Starbuck walked over to the newly installed computer.  "HAL?"
    HAL's red ‘eye' stared on.  "Yes, Dave?"
    "I'm Starbuck.  Can I see a map of where Dino-Bot is heading to?"
    "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't allow you to do that."
    "Why not?"
    "Dave, do you think the mission will succeed?"
    Starbuck slapped his forehead and started to walk back down the hall.  HAL opened the airlock closest to him.  Air rushed past Starbuck and he was swept off his feet.  As he was about to be blown into space, the airlock closed.  Starbuck hit his head savagely on the door.  Dino-Bot grimaced at Starbuck's head and snorted.
    "You're welcome." he said sarcastically.
    Starbuck got up with a ballroom gown soaked in tar and blood, with a concussion and hair balls on his face.

    Starbuck walked to his quarters.  The doors didn't open and he hit his head.  His vision was blurred and he was disorientated.  The doors opened and Worf looked at him.  "Yes?"
    "I thought...my quarters."
    "You thought your quarters."
    "Fu...light...fifth...me."
    "Fight with you?  Very well.  But first I must dress you with weapons."
    "Help..."
    "Yes.  I will help dress you."
    Five minutes later, Starbuck left Worf's quarter.  Worf's shouts followed him.  "That was too easy..."
    Starbuck walked down the corridor with a ballroom gown soaked in tar and blood, strapped down with ammunition, with a concussion and hair balls on his face.

    Starbuck sat in the brig with the force field on.  Dino-Bot walked in.  "What in the inferno are you doing in here?!?"
    Starbuck, now clean and in his uniform, looked up startled and lied.  "I was walking around on-duty without my uniform.  Breach of regulation.  Have to spend the night in here.  Oh well, heh heh."
    Dino-Bot snorted and left.  Starbuck climbed into his hot tub.  But someone had turned it on to maximum.  He screamed.

    Quark flinched as Starbuck downed another one.  "How many are you going to drink?  I'm starting to get concerned."
    Starbuck growled menacingly.  "Shut up an' pour me ‘nother!"
    Quark poured Starbuck's twentieth chocolate milk and handed it to him.  Dino-Bot was laughing hysterically three tables down.  "Did you see that?!?"  Lando was beside him laughing.  Lando was actually starting to like watching this, ever since that whole killer Mega-Tron hologram thing.
    Quark leaned across the bar to whisper in Starbuck's ear.  "As soon as I'm able, I'm out of this bar.  This is too insane.  I hear a new bar is opening up down on G deck."
    Starbuck finished his round.  "Another!"

    Dino-Bot was laughing heavily.  Lando with him.  "That was good, eh worm?"
    Lando blinked away tears.  "Yes it was."
    "You're getting your self-confidence back again.  Good."
    Lando and Dino-Bot stared at each other for a moment.  Then Lando moved his hand to touch Dino-Bot's.  A moment later, they were kissing passionately.

    "WAKE UP!"
    Starbuck's eyes fluttered open.  "Wha----?"
    Dino-Bot was standing over him.  No one else was in the room.  "There is a pod in space and we are going to recover it."
    "A dream..."
    "What dream?"
    Starbuck chose not to continue.  He would probably grin and get a punch.  "I'll stay in here and.....secure the area."
    "An excellent plan..." Dino-Bot noticed the empty glasses.  "...if you weren't drunk!!!"  He paused.  "I smell chocolate milk.  You are sick."  He left the room.  Starbuck took a whole jug of chocolate milk and turned to face the blank room.

    "Well, Governor?" Worf asked.  "What is it?"
    The Governor looked up.  "It's my dinner.  You can't have it."
    "Not that!  The pod!"
    "Let me finish my dinner."
    Worf looked at Lando.  Lando crossed to his station.  "It's a pod originating from some other unidentifiable ship.  Not from around here."
    Dino-Bot snorted.  "We're not even from around here!"
    Data nodded his head.  "Good point, well made."
    "Can you scan through it?" Dino-Bot inquired.
    Data shook his head.  "No, although we could beam the pod to the cargo bay."
    Dino-Bot tapped his fingers to his chin.  "Make it so."
    Lando blinked, confused.  "What?"
    "I'm thirsty.  Make itzow!"  Dino-Bot exclaimed.  He got the warm drink from Twiki.  "Thank you, number one."
    "Number—?" Lando started.
    "We don't have time for these bad puns!  The pod has been aboard for some time now!  Hurry!!!"  Tarantulas yelled.
    "Uptight..."  Dino-Bot muttered.

    Grey.  Floor.  Wall.  The occupant was startled.  After seeing black for so long, this color was a bit of a shock.  It hadn't noticed the man walking to the pod until the pod door opened.  Anticipation no more.  The wait was over.

    Starbuck watched the naked dancing women with a grin on his face and chocolate milk on his face, clothes, boots, the floor, and the table.  He turned off the holograms and slapped himself.  He heard a clank behind him and the sound off the door being jammed.  He ran to hide.

    The holographic doc stood over the dead man.  "Nothing I can do."
    Dino-Bot stood over the body.  "He went with honour, but what can I say; he was an extra!"
    Tarantulas was examining the marks on his body.  "Hmm.  Strange, but I think this is done by something alien."
    Dino-Bot's mouth gaped open.  "Do you think?" he asked sarcastically.
     "Die!"  Tarantulas fired his gun.
    Dino-Bot dove out of the way and was about to retaliate when Lando stopped him.  "Wait!  Don't you think we better fight the alien?"
    Dino-Bot gazed thoughtfully at the roof.  "Beast mode."  He transformed into a velociraptor and hopped onto a levitator.  It hummed and floated to the roof.  Dino-Bot peered into the hole that gaped there.  He grinned.  "The hunt begins..."  He leaped into the hole.

    Starbuck caught sight of the occupant's shadow.  It sent terror through his very being.  He stared into the eye of evil.  Mother Alien.

    Starbuck loaded his plasma weapon and set it to kill.  He had caught sight of the beast and needed yet another change of pants.  This was something he hadn't expected.  He heard it coming and leaped up firing straight at it.  Bolts like that should have killed it, but didn't.  It screamed and knocked the gun out of his hand and tossed him across the room.

    A scream vibrated the vent's walls.  Dino-Bot, still in his beast mode, stopped and traced the sound's origin.  He continued down the passageway.  "Dino-Bot to Worf."
    "Go ahead."
    "Are you at the Mega-Tron Torture bar?"
    "No.  Why?"
    "Get there quick!"
    "Affirmative.  Worf out."
    "Time to see who my opponent is.......and if I can beat it." Dino-Bot growled.

    Mother Alien looked across the room.  Hunger was calling her.  But first, another thing had to be attended to.  She laid an egg and stalked Starbuck.  She saw him at the far end of the room.
    Leaping quickly from one end to the other, Starbuck saw it fly towards him.  He screamed and thought quickly.  He hit the controls beside him and holograms all over the room were activated.  Their images shimmered on and they caught Mother Alien's attention.  She landed on a table near Starbuck and hissed at the holograms.  Starbuck got up and ran.
    He didn't get far.  Mother Alien's tail lashed out and hit him hard.  He felt the wind get knocked out of him.  As she came towards him, the hologram of Mega-Tron exploded.  Mother Alien leaped towards the torture women holograms.  Starbuck ran towards an access duct to try to get in.

    "Dino-Bot to Worf; report!"
    "We are outside the bar, but the door is jammed.  We can not get in!"
    "I expected as much.  Just wait there with your weapons ready!  Dino-Bot out." Dino-Bot turned off the com-link and stopped above an air grate that had been torn open.  He looked down.  All the lights were out, but holograms were everywhere.  "The hologram override must have been shutdown.  Someone activated all the holograms."  He noticed one corner of the room.  "There's Mega-Tron!  This will be fun."
    A roar reverberated through out the room.  There was a twenty foot drop to the floor below.  He leaped down and landed on a table.  He began to swing his head to look around, but something hard hit his head fast and knocked him across the room.

    Starbuck tried to open the hatch to get out of the room, but to no avail.  As the creature was descending on him, something landed on a table across the room heavily.  The alien jumped over there and Starbuck heard a loud clash of dishes.  He saw his plasma weapon on the floor and ran to get it.

    Mist was filling the room from a ruptured pipe.  Drool was landing on Dino-Bot's head.  He didn't move and waited.  The creature's foot was now beside him.  He opened his eyes.  "MAXIMIZE!!!"  In the middle of transformation, the creature's arm swung towards him and sent him flying.  In mid-flight, he pulled out his weapons.  He then stopped himself in midair by grabbing the wall.
    Using his eye-lasers, he fired at the creature.  The lasers caused glass to explode.  The creature was gone.  Dino-Bot stood up and raised his weapons.  He began to walk backwards slowly.  Something hit him and pinned him to the ground.  Dino-Bot guessed it was a foot.  The creature roared and began to claw through Dino-Bot's metal exterior.  Dino-Bot screamed in pain and rage.  But mostly rage.
    He jumped up and sliced the creature with his sword.  His sword jerked from his hand and fell to the ground in two pieces.  Dino-Bot looked down at it, then looked up at the creature.  Recognizing it, he pulled his chopper up.  "Mother Alien...."
    Mother Alien roared.  Dino-Bot threw the chopper.  It hit the exoskeleton and the creature cried out.  The chopper was hurled back and Dino-Bot barely had time to bat it away before Mother Alien launched herself at him.  Acting quick, Dino-Bot fired his eye-lasers once more.  She took it in her leg and fell onto him.  She roared and bit Dino-Bot's face.
    Dino-Bot felt circuitry burn out and knew his eye-lasers would no longer work.  His malformed face slammed down Mother Alien's throat as a last attempt.  Mother Alien gagged on the metal and pushed Dino-Bot away.  Dino-Bot took this opportunity to give her an uppercut.  She hit the ground and Dino-Bot launched vicious punches at her face.  She grabbed his arm and hurled him to the ground once more.
    Dino-Bot saw her foot land on his chest to crush him, then nothing more.  His eyes no longer worked and neither did his mouth.  Thinking quick and smart, he transformed back into a velociraptor.  He opened his eyes to see Mother Alien on the ground once more.  "Damage report."
    His internal computer told him it wasn't good.  Barely able to remain conscious, he was in severe need of repair.  He saw Mother Alien look at him and get up.  A flash of light and she flew across the room.  Hitting the wall hard, she tore open the exit to get out.  A barrage of weapons fire hit her and she landed on the ground not moving.
    Starbuck ran to Dino-Bot with his weapon in hand.  Dino-Bot looked up. Managing to speak, he grinned.  "Perhaps...there is hope for you yet."  Dino-Bot snorted and lapsed into power down.

    Voices were speaking.  He focussed and opened his eyes.  "What is happening?"
Dino-Bot asked.
    Starbuck walked towards him.  "You're back on-line.  Good.  Mother Alien is still unconscious and---"
    Dino-Bot's eyes widened.  "She's not dead?!?"
    "No.  I was in the bar with you the whole time and I wanted to give you this."  Starbuck held up his broke sword. "It's broken."
    "That's alright; it is a snap together."  Dino-Bot snapped the two pieces back together again.  "That must have been why my tail didn't work.  Dino-Bot maximize."
    After Dino-Bot transformed, he took the sword and put it away.  He looked at his malformed head.  "It appears I need to fix this.  I must talk to Tarantulas.  In the mean time, put that thing back into the pod and seal it."  Dino-Bot left the sickbay.
    The doc walked in.  "Good, now...where did Dino-Bot go?"
    "He left."
    "Perfect.  I was going to use this crowbar and hammer to put his head back into shape.  Oh well."  The doc went to the scan table where a strange egg-like thing was hooked up.
    Starbuck bent down to look at it.  "What do you suppose---" Interrupting him, a large fist- like creature burst from the egg and clamped to his face.
    The doc rushed over and scanned them.  "Don't open your mouth and don't move!  Doctor to Worf: Get me a chainsaw and fast!"
    Starbuck screamed.  He felt something get pushed down his throat.

    Sorry, that had to be so disgusting.  What will happen next time?