The Lair was a damp dark cavern, inhabited by the insane Tarantulas, a Predicon who could transform into a giant tarantula at will.  He snickered as he watched  Dino-Bot exit the lift and enter his Lair.  Dino-Bot approached him as he was hanging upside down for no good reason.
    Dino-Bot stared at him for a minute, and Tarantulas stared right back.  "What?" Tarantulas finally asked.
    Dino-Bot growled.  "Well?!"
    "What?" Tarantulas said again.
    "Aren't you going to trap me, or make me test something, or do a ridiculous task that serves no purpose??" Dino-Bot inquired.
    "No." Tarantulas answered.
    "Fine then.  Goodbye." Dino-Bot grunted, and left.
    Tarantulas scratched his head and shrugged.

    Dino-Bot walked down the corridor, where many people passed him.  Without some form of danger, many extras were appearing out of hiding, without fear that they would be killed for no reason.  Dino-Bot sighed.  He lived for battle, and this ship was often full of it.
    As he turned the corner, he caught sight of a figure, a Negro man clad in green fatigues and holding a large gun.  He was strapped down with grenades, and carried a large backpack on his back.  He looked around in a confused manner, his gun toted and ready for danger.  Dino-Bot approached him.
    "Greetings, I am Dino-Bot." Dino-Bot introduced himself.
    "Lieutenant Joe Arlington, 743961, American Armed Forces!" the man yelled.
    "You must be confused as to your surroundings.  Where are you from?" Dino-Bot asked.
    "Lieutenant Joe Arlington, 743961, American Armed Forces!" the man yelled again.
    Dino-Bot noted his clothing, weapons, and registration number, and came to the right conclusion, being a military expert.  "You are from the Vietnam War.  Stand at ease soldier, you are safe here onboard this vessel."
    "Where is the commander?!" Arlington demanded.
    "Well..." Dino-Bot admitted.  "There is none, but I am head of security."
    "Why are you wearing that odd costume?" Arlington asked.
    Dino-Bot looked himself up and down.  "Mardi Gras?" he tried.
    Arlington appeared to ease up slightly.  "Is this an American vessel?"
    "No Lieutenant, we are...civilian with scientific interests." Dino-Bot was not lying.  Most of the crew were civilians, and the scientific interest was trying to find the fastest way off the ship.
    "This is a strange vessel."  Arlington furrowed his brow as he watched several talking Protoss High Templars walking down the corridor.
    "Stranger than ‘The Adventures of Chrombot in Hell' yes.  But you'll get used to it." Dino-Bot affirmed.
    "Sir, I must request that I be returned home immediately." Arlington stood at ease as Dino-Bot continued walking.
    Dino-Bot stopped and turned to him.  "As soon as we can, we will."  Dino-Bot thought a moment and looked at Arlington again.  "And if you encounter a crew member named Tarantulas, stay away from him and don't believe a word he says, even if it's about getting you home." Dino-Bot growled, then changed his mind.  "Especially if it's about getting home."
    Arlington continued walking with Dino-Bot, then spoke up.  "What about Charlie?"
    Dino-Bot pointed to a passing extra.  "Right there."  No sooner had Dino-Bot said that, he instantly regretted it.
    Arlington brought up his machine gun, dove to the ground and shot Charlie to the floor dead in a flurry of bullets.  Arlington stood up and looked at Charlie.  "He's not from Nam." Arlington noted.
    "I forgot your codename for enemy soldiers was ‘Charlie'." Dino-Bot sighed.  "How about we drop off your weapons at the Armory until we can get this sorted out."
    Arlington agreed, and Dino-Bot took the guns and grenades.  THEN he told Arlington were he really was, and who all the crew were.
    Arlington wanted his guns back.

    Data finished repairing his console in time to see the Babylon Dwarf enter orbit around Phyronia R.  "Data to Starbuck, we have arrived."
    "Understood.  We're in the Transporter Room." Starbuck's voice came back.
    Data typed in the co-ordinates given by the letter and activated the transporter.  He prepared weapons and shields, just in case.

    Starbuck, Londo and Chewbacca materialized in a stately dining room, with plush carpeting, a long table that seated about 25, and a fire place burning at the end of the room.  At the other end was a door, leading presumably into the kitchen.  "Have a seat, please." a pleasant voice with a Cockney accent said.
    The three had a seat and that's when they saw a man of about 20 sitting at the end of the table.  He was wearing a fine dining suit with gold trimmings, and smiling broadly.  "Sorry about the pod.  I realize it gave you quite the nasty cut Starbuck."
    Londo cleared his throat.  "If you're God, then why do you have a British accent?"
    God laughed.  "Good question.  I figured it matched the scene.  I could change it to Texan if you want."
    "No!" Starbuck and Londo cried.  Chewie roared and covered his ears.
    "Okay, okay." God chuckled.  He clapped his hands, and people without faces brought in plates full of steaming food.  The plates were set down before them all, and the faceless servers went back into the kitchen.  "Don't mind them, I didn't put faces on them, because they don't really exist.  Let's eat!"
    The four started eating, albeit slowly.  Londo noticed some blood drops on the ground and picked his upper lip nervously.  "Er, what's that?"
    God took note of the blood on the ground.  "Oh that.  Sorry, my Son was talking to me earlier.  Can't blame the poor boy, but he doesn't mind, so neither do I."
    Londo nodded and continued eating his lobster.
    Chewie rumbled a thanks as he dove into his sushi.
    Starbuck murmured in pleasure at the succulence of his roast beef.
    God chewed his dumplings.
    After the four were finished and quite content, God cleared his throat.  "Well, I'm sure you're wondering two things.  One: Am I really God?  And two: Why are you here?"  God paused for effect.  "Well, to question one, yes.  Question two is something a little more serious."  He sucked on a Tootsie Roll.  "You are going to have problems within the next two weeks involving a certain trickster whom can not be trusted."
    Starbuck, Londo, and Chewbacca instantly thought of Tarantulas.
    God rolled his eyes.  "When the time of jeopardy is at hand, you must go into the Darkness of the Deep and have another undo what WILL happen."
    Londo chewed his upper lip.  "Why are you so cryptic?"
    "I'm not always so cryptic, but this time I have to be." God answered.
    "Why?" Starbuck asked.
    God held up a finger.  "DON'T question me."
    Starbuck shut up.  God passed around some suckers.  "All right, you may return to your ship.  It was nice having you over, and the best part is no indigestion." God chuckled and waved the three off.  They were transported away immediately.
    God walked over to the fire place and waved his hand.  Q appeared instantly beside him.  "Uh..." Q stammered.  "I didn't do it."
    God shook his head.  "Yes you did, but you're not here for that.  Watch the Babylon Dwarf, but do not interfere.  A play has been set into motion.  That is all."  Q vanished and God stared at the fire for some time.

    A yeoman knocked on the Martian Leader's door, carrying a enormous box on his shoulders.  Sweat ran down his cheek as he waited for his boss to answer the door.  He could feel his shoulder's buckling and his knees weakening, shaking under the stress.  The Leader opened the door to see his subordinate crush to death underneath the giant box.
    Clapping happily at the arrival of his new play toy, the Martian Leader ordered his robot to bring it inside.

    The yeoman didn't receive a state funeral, but was mistaken for someone's being sick from last night's chili dogs, and flushed out into space.

    The robot opened the box and dumped the content on the deck.  The Martian Leader cried out to discover thousands of small pieces about the size of marbles.  An instruction booklet lay on top.  He opened it, and saw the letters in bold:  SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED
    He shrugged.  How hard could it be??

Four Months Later...
    The Martian Leader held his heart, feeling overjoyed.  That joy turned to sorrow as he realized he was only done the foot.

Two Years Later...
    Finally done, the Martian Leader snickered deviously.  He rubbed the polish carefully along his new best friend, Filbert.  Good old Filbert, the only one who would listen to his pain, the only one he loved.  Who he poured his sweat into.  The others...just wouldn't understand.  A tear ran down his cheek.  But that tear was burned away by passion, for Filbert would destroy their enemies!
    Running to his comlink, he ordered an immediate assault on the Babylon Dwarf.
    His crew were startled to hear his voice after two and a half years!  They thought he was dead.  So, the replacement commander was sent packing home, and a course was laid in to attack the dreaded enemy ship.
    The plan was simple.  Lead off with an ordinary fight with weapons blazing.  Once the hull was breached though, and the shields were down, then Filbert would come in, with the Leader behind the helm.  Within minutes, the crew would be slaughtered and the ship adrift in space.
    The Leader could almost taste it.
    Within a few days, the ensign piloting their flying saucer reported that they were in position.  "Ack-ack, ack ack, ackackack!" the Leader shouted, and the saucer dived in, with lasers blazing.
    Unfortunately, the Babylon Dwarf's shields were quite strong, and took a lot of pummeling.  The Leader was disappointed when all their shots were deflected.
 Then it occurred to him.  There was only one way through those shields, one weapon strong enough to cripple them!
    A yelping poodle shot out from the saucer and collided with the shields of the Babylon Dwarf.  The shields collapsed at once, but the poodle didn't make it.
    The Leader waved his troops into a boarding parties, while he himself went into Filbert.  Filbert was loaded into a mechanical claw the would deposit him in the enemy vessel.
    The boarding parties streamed through and Filbert was deposited in the ship after them.  The enemy crew were putting up a valiant effort against them, but the Leader knew it was in vain.  Laughing away in his little control booth, he watched as his whole crew was killed in battle.
    When only he and Filbert were left, his eyes gleamed evilly.  He snickered and pushed the "On" button.
    Nothing happened.
    He stabbed at the "On" button insistently, but nothing!
    Thinking quick, he grabbed the instruction manual and leafed through it.  In the very begin, in very, very small print was: Batteries not Included.

    "What are you doing???" Tarantulas snapped as he came in.
    Starbuck yelped in surprise and tried to hide the Joymaster 2000 behind his back.  The Joymaster 2000 was the ultimate joystick, basically a virtual reality suite in a little game pad.  Problem was, it never worked properly.  "Nothing!" he stammered.
    Tarantulas pointed to the bombs scattered on the floor.  "You were going to destroy my creation, weren't you?"
    Starbuck shifted his feet nervously.  "Maybe."
    "Starbuck, my friend," Tarantulas began, placing his arm around Starbuck's shoulder.  "I'm not angry, I think it's at times like these that...well you have to die."
    Starbuck gulped and tried to push Tarantulas' arm off of him.  "Uh, I have to get going."
    Tarantulas pulled out his gun and took aim at Starbuck's head.  Starbuck let himself go limp, and he slipped through Tarantulas' arms.  Tarantulas fired and hit the wall.  Starbuck quickly kicked the Joymaster 2000, which flew, cackling with energy, into the Timescape X.  Tarantulas screamed, waving his arms in the air.
    A grinding noise filled the air, and a blue Police Box materialized in the middle of the Lair.  The doors opened and out stumbled the Doctor, Susan, Ian, and Barbara.  Tarantulas, having to choose between halting these intruders, or saving his Joymaster 2000.  The joystick won, and Tarantulas grabbed a remote and ran into the Timescape X.
    Starbuck stood up and, recognizing the TARDIS, walked over to the quartet.  "Which of you is the Doctor?" he asked.
    The elderly Doctor tapped his cane on the deck.  "I am, but what is the meaning of this??  Why are we here?"
    "I'm not sure..." Starbuck began.  "But we can find out.  Come with me."
    The four began walking with Starbuck to the Lift, and Susan clung to the Doctor.  "Oh Grandfather, it sure is dark and scary in here!"
    "I see that, but I believe we are on a ship of some sort." the Doctor analyzed.
    Starbuck halted in his tracks and turned to the Doctor.  "You mean, you've never been here before?"
    The Doctor pulled at the lapels of his jacket.  "Do you have a hearing problem, dear boy?  Of course I said that!  I have never set foot on the ship in my life."
    Starbuck scratched his head, shrugged and led the four on.

    "Come on Worf!!" Londo pulled Worf to the Bridge.
    "I hate surprise parties!" Worf grumbled.  "I know it's going to be a surprise party!"
    Londo stopped at the doors.  "Just because it's your birthday, doesn't mean we're throwing you a surprise party."
    "Really?" Worf asked.
    Suddenly a voice broke out from the other side of the Mess Hall doors.  "NO!!  I WILL NOT HIDE NOR WILL I SHUSH!!!  I AM FAR TOO EVIL TO PLAY A RIDICULOUS BIRTHDAY PRANK ON MY HERO!"
    Londo coughed a few times, and rubbed his temples.  He opened the doors, to the dark Mess Hall.  Retro 70's Actor Man was standing in the middle of the room with his arms folded.  "Surprise parties are dumb!" he sneered.
    The lights went on and everyone walked slowly out of their hiding spots.  "Surprise..." they all mumbled at once.  Dino-Bot walked over to Retro 70's Actor Man, picked him up, and threw him out of the room.
    Worf walked in and looked at the big cake and the pile of presents.  "You threw me a party."
    The holographic doctor nodded.  "We even sent Starbuck to distract Tarantulas so we would have a good time."
    Worf sat down at the table that was reserved for him, and began opening presents.  Most were weapons, chocolate suckers, tins of instant prune juice, or tickets to see Die Hard 16 in theatres.  Worf was generally bored with the party, although the cake was his favorite: Klingon Gruesome Predator Blood Cake, even though he was the only one who would eat it.
    Dino-Bot noticed Starbuck walk in followed by four strangers.  "What now??" he asked.
    Starbuck made it short.  "Tarantulas is lost in time chasing the Joymaster 2000, and the Doctor has popped in for another visit, even though he has no idea where this place is."
    The Doctor approached Dino-Bot.  "My dear boy, we would like to find out where we are, and how we got here."
    Dino-Bot snorted.  "Did you just call me dear boy???"
    The Doctor pointed to his companions.  "This is my granddaughter Susan, and two schoolteachers I abducted: Chesterton and Miss Wright."
    Ian moved over to Dino-Bot.  "I'm Ian Chesterton, and this is Barbara Wright."
    The Doctor huffed.  "I said that Chesterton!"
    Suddenly Worf cried out as a gift unexpectedly fell onto his lap from thin air.  "What is this??"  He opened up the gift, and discovered a lone note.  He read it out.  " ‘Dear Worf, for your birthday, I shall blow up the ship.  Signed Odwa, the Galactic Practical Jokester and All- Around Pain in the Butt.' " Worf worriedly looked up at everyone.
    Dino-Bot cleared his throat.  Starbuck wrung his hands.  Londo fainted.
    The Doctor ground his teeth together.  "Let me understand this.  I came onto this strange ship, only to be killed by a practical jokester during an alien's birthday party??"
    Dino-Bot clapped his hand on the Doctor's shoulder.  "Get used to it."
    Suddenly HAL's voice rang through.  "Attention: Self Destruct has been initiated.  Time to detonation: One minute."
    Worf shook with rage.  "I hate birthday parties!!!!!!!!"
    Dino-Bot organized a strategy.  "Doctor, you'll come with me and Chewbacca to disarm the Self-Destruct, while Starbuck, you take the shuttles for Evac mode and--"
    "Oh God!!" Londo sobbed.
    Starbuck shot Londo a look at that statement.  "God...?"  An idea crossed his mind.  "Of course!!!!  Dino-Bot, get into the Timescape X after Tarantulas."
    Dino-Bot grunted.  "We do not have time for that eater of vermin!"
    Starbuck grabbed Dino-Bot roughly by his chest plate.  "Do it!!!"
    Dino-Bot sensed the urgency of his tone and ran down to the Lift.
    Worf joined Starbuck.  "He does not have the time, he only has 20 seconds!  The Lift takes 2 minutes to reach the Lair."
    Susan looked up worriedly at the Doctor.  "Are we going to die??"
    The Doctor felt a calling in his mind.  "No...something's not right about this!  The Self-Destruct won't go off!  It's a prank." he said, smug.
    The holographic doctor tried reasoning with HAL.  "HAL, turn off the bomb!"
    HAL continued counting down.  "12...11...10..."
    The doc tried harder.  "HAL!!  Turn off the bomb NOW!"
    "9...8...7..."
    Scotty continued rerouting circuitry under HAL's boards.  "I almost have it!!"
    "5...4...3..."
    Scotty finished tying off a wire.  "Got it!"
    "1...1...1...1....1..."
    The doc shook Scotty's hand.  "Good job, you did it."
    Worf revived Londo.  "It's all right.  Scotty, are you sure the timer's stopped?"
    Scotty nodded vigorously.  "And HAL's systems have been locked.  The only thing that would blow this ship is an act of God!"
    In the vast blackness of space, an explosion joined the many stars.  All pieces of the Babylon Dwarf were consumed by the fire...including the Timescape X.

    "Lost Mixed-Up Space" in the upcoming Leospace8.