Bizarre Mixed-Up Space
Once more we return yet again
to witness the strangest stories to come out of Canada. The strangest
creation since Corn Flakes. The strangest conversations since Bottalk.
And now, it gets stranger.
The Greatest Secret
of All Time
Dr. Sam Beckett sat in the Mega-Tron Torture Bar with
all his new friends: Londo, Worf, Dino-Bot, Version 5, and Janice.
Janice, the snooty teenage girl, sat next to Version 5, another teenage
girl who wasn't as snooty, and as far away from Dino-Bot as she could.
Dino-Bot and Janice did not get along. It didn't matter to Sam though.
This was the closest thing to home he had in years. He had already
been here for a few weeks, although there was no sign of Al, his companion
from the future who took the form of a hologram.
Dino-Bot had a glass of oil coffee with a dash of
WD40, a bit of Mr. Lube, and a sprinkle of battery fluid. He sipped
it gingerly. "But you have not answered my question."
Janice snorted, and rolled her eyes at Londo.
"Just because."
"That is still insufficient information." Dino-Bot
was robotic, and didn't get the hint that he should drop his line of questioning.
Version 5 cleared her throat. "Well, we don't
have sufficient information for you Dino-Bot."
Londo scratched his head and stirred his coffee.
"But you do it, so you must know something."
Version 5 and Janice looked at each other and shook
their heads.
Worf stayed out of the conversation.
Sam sighed. "I guess we'll never know."
Dino-Bot wouldn't take that. "I must know
why females go to the bathroom in pairs!"
Janice changed the subject. "Look, it's that
retard Retro 70's Actor Man."
Version 5 strained to look around. "Who?"
Dino-Bot snorted. "The vermin."
"I haven't met him." Version 5 said. "Who
is he?"
Even Sam put his head in his hands. "You really
don't want to know."
As if on cue, Retro 70's Actor Man pulled up a chair
and joined them. He signaled a holographic waiter. "Give me
a cream soda, with extra cream." He turned to the group. "How
are you my fine patriots and followers?"
"Oh God." Janice turned her head the other way.
Retro 70's Actor Man turned his attention to Worf.
"My goodness, you look warrior-ish today! Did you floss??"
Worf stood up. "Excuse me." He stormed
out of the room.
The waiter approached the table carrying a tray
with a single glass on it. "Here you are sir: one cream soda with
extra cream." The contents of the glass were a light pink that was
carbonated.
"You're not going to drink that, are you?" Version
5 asked, disgusted. "Who puts milk in cream soda??"
"Oh, he will drink it all right." Dino-Bot spat.
Retro 70's Actor Man downed it in one gulp.
"Tasty!" Sam felt ill.
Just then, Dino-Bot's com-signal chirped.
"Speak." he answered.
"Worf here. You better see this." came the
reply.
Dino-Bot and Tarantulas joined Worf in the corridor.
Worf grimaced at the sight of Tarantulas. "We appear to have a problem."
Dino-Bot agreed instantly, but Tarantulas couldn't
figure it out. "What?" he asked.
Worf pointed to the disemboweled bodies strewn across
the floor.
Tarantulas looked at them for a minute. "Oh
that."
The three followed the trail of dead extras down
the corridor and armed themselves. After rounding one bend, they
found two dead extras, their bodies gutted, and Lieutenant Joe Arlington
standing looking around him.
"I knew the American couldn't be trusted!" Tarantulas
leveled his gun at Arlington's head, and prepared to pull the trigger.
Dino-Bot and Worf shook their heads.
"I did not kill these people!! I stumbled
across them!" Arlington pleaded.
"Convincing enough story, but I don't believe you!"
Tarantulas snapped. "Who else could have done it??"
"Well, them!!" Arlington pointed his finger at two
giant Man-Spiders three meters away. They were in the process of
tearing another extra to bits.
"Where's your proof?" Tarantulas sneered.
"You ridiculous arachnid!" Dino-Bot grabbed Tarantulas
by his abdomen and shook him a few times.
Worf growled. "How do we dispense with the
Man-Spiders? Or are they one of your experiments??" he asked Tarantulas.
"No, they're not. But that's not a bad idea..."
Dino-Bot looked at Arlington. "Do you know
anything about them?"
Arlington scratched his head. "Well...I was
coming out of the washroom, right. And then the Ladies' washroom
open and those two Man-Spiders came out together."
Worf hummed. "They must be Woman-Spiders."
Arlington continued. "Since the Men's washroom
is right next to the Ladies' washroom, I was able to hear strange chattering
coming from inside. Then the toilets flushed."
"And they came out in a pair!! That is the
secret!!" Dino-Bot exclaimed. "They go into the bathroom in pairs...to
talk to each other!"
"Talk...in the washroom???" Worf gasped, incredulously.
"Indeed." Dino-Bot answered.
The (Wo)Man-Spiders heard the revelation the four
had made, and chattered to themselves for a moment. They then lunged
at the four, fangs bared.
That's when a Dozen Black Ninjas appeared out of
nowhere, drew their swords and attacked the two beasts. The two creatures
were subdued in seconds, and Tarantulas placed them in a stasis web.
The Ninjas vanished.
Arlington sighed. "Creative way to solve a
problem. I've got to get out of here!"
Dino-Bot looked at the walls. "One day I shall
discover the secret of the Dozen Black Ninjas!!"
The End
Me and Me and Me
Londo peered up at the roof, inspecting a ventilation
duct. The airway was clean, and there was no sign of any vermin.
Londo closed the grate and moved on to Section J. Londo had pulled
the short straw and had to clean out the ventilation ducts on Levels 16
- 21. It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it every three months.
He reached Ventilation Duct 45 - C, and unscrewed
the grate. As the metal mesh fell open, a figure leaped out onto
him. Londo screamed as the figure slammed him against the wall.
His fear transformed into anger. "You idiot!!!! What do you
think you're doing??"
Retro 70's Actor Man brushed the lint and dust from
his shoulders. "You dare to question my mysterious ways...you shall
pay the price for that!" He raised his knife menacingly over his
face.
Londo grabbed the knife and threw it down the corridor.
He grabbed Retro 70's Actor Man and executed a perfect judo roll, sending
Retro 70's Actor Man down the garbage chute on the opposing wall.
Londo heard his scream as he noisily thumped and banged down into the Garbage
Deck.
Londo went to close the ventilation duct when he
felt a burn and pressure in his chest. He fell to his knees...and
hiccuped. Running his hands across his sweaty brow, he hiccuped again
and again. Hiccuping faster and at a constant beat, he could no longer
breathe and collapsed on the deck.
With a thud and a sloosh, Retro 70's Actor Man fell
out of the chute and into the mounding, stinking, and slimy heaps that
was the Garbage Deck. The entire deck wasn't just refuse disposal,
but also a Rap Arena, where rappers and lovers of rap could congregate,
find their own inner peace, and promote gang violence. Hence, the
whole deck was called the Garbage Deck.
Right now, though, Retro 70's Actor Man was swimming
through old Chinese food, plastics, and used diapers. (Where the
diapers come from is still a mystery to the crew. There are no babies
on board, and all refuse disposal is monitored. Yet the diapers are
in constant supply)
"Hello??" Retro 70's Actor Man called. When
no reply came, he tried again. "Help!! Can anyone hear me?
I'm here alone, helpless, trapped, undefended, afraid, and liable to be
captured by someone at any moment!"
"That's all I needed to hear!" a voice gurgled.
A brown and green arm shot out of the muck, grabbed Retro 70's Actor Man
and pulled him, screeching, under.
Robot finished scanning Londo's form in Sickbay.
Londo was lying on a scanning table, with a breathing tube stuck down his
throat. "I can detect no cause for the hiccups."
The holographic doctor frowned. "I don't know
what's causing this. The hiccups are of such a magnitude that I can
only slow them down. I don't even know what's causing them."
Retro 70's Actor Man walked calmly into the Sickbay.
The doc looked up at him. "Haven't I told
you not to come in here unless you have a reason?"
Retro 70's Actor Man grinned and lunged at Londo.
His hands grasped Londo's neck, and began to slowly crush it.
The doc and Robot gasped at the same time.
"He's snapped!" the doc cried.
"Stop!" Robot shouted. Both grabbed at Retro
70's Actor Man's arms to try to haul him away. With a casual toss,
Retro 70's Actor Man threw them both off.
Londo's eyes shot open at the sight of the crazed
guy strangling him to death. However, with the breathing tube down
his throat, the strangling was not successful. The doc hit the intercom.
"Sickbay to Security: Retro 70's Actor Man has gone berserk and is trying
to kill Londo!"
Two seconds later Worf burst into Sickbay, armed
with a plasma rifle. "I have waited for this moment for too long!!"
Worf laughed. He leveled the rifle and blew a hole in Retro 70's
Actor Man's stomach.
Retro 70's Actor Man calmly released Londo and fell
face first to the ground. While Worf was laughing it up in glee,
the doc went over and scanned the prone form of Retro 70's Actor Man.
"This is interesting." he mumbled. "There is a slight variation in
his genetic pattern. Enough to give him super senses. But it's
left a tracer chromosome. This is a clone."
Worf stopped laughing. "Are you sure?"
"Positive." the doc nodded.
Londo passed out. The doc went to him, and
woke him with a hypo. He removed the breathing tube and helped Londo
sit up. "What does this mean?" Londo asked.
Robot retracted his arms. "Someone has cloned
the defunct actor."
Just then, Sickbay opened to reveal another Retro
70's Actor Man. The doc scanned him and confirmed his fears.
"It's a Retro 70's Actor Clone!" The Retro 70's Actor Clone walked
past Londo and typed a command in the doctor's holographic image unit.
"What is he doing??" the doc ran to stop the clone, but then suddenly blinked
off.
In his place was a piano.
Retro 70's Actor Clone sat at the piano, cracked
his knuckles, and began a ditty. "Oh.... Ding dong the witch is dead,
the wicked witch, the wicked witch, ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!"
he sang, playing an upbeat piano accompaniment.
Worf shot that one too. Londo and Robot scrambled
to the holographic image unit, and reinitialized the doctor. "My
God!!" the doc protested. "That was terrible!"
Just then another Retro 70's Actor Clone walked
in, threw his arms around Worf, and kissed him square on the lips.
Worf roared.
Fifteen decks up, Quark held down his most precious
glasses and bottles, convinced the ground shaking roar was an attack.
Two minutes later, the seven pieces of the Retro
70's Actor Clone was finally cleared off the deck. Worf was over
a sink, rinsing his mouth with iodine and rubbing alcohol. The doc was
helping Worf with his nausea. Robot and Londo were in conversation.
"And you threw him into the waste disposal?" Robot asked.
"Yes!" Londo answered, then hiccuped.
"That is where our answers lie. We shall investigate."
Robot and Londo walked out of Sickbay, destination: The Garbage Deck.
To Be Continued...
The King Of Sludge
Londo and Robot exited the lift onto the Garbage Deck.
Londo hiccuped and scanned the area. "I'm not really detecting anything."
Robot scanned the area as well. "Perhaps the
mad rappers can lend a clue." Londo agreed and the two walked towards
the Rap Arena. A constant beating of bass was audible through the
walls.
Londo keyed in his access code and the doors opened.
Now the bass was so strong, Londo could feel it pounding his head.
There was a raised platform in the middle of the Arena, completely surrounded
by bobbing punk youth.
Robot took one movement forward and was stopped
by one shady looking character. "Hey man, ya gotta pack heat to get
in ‘ere." The dealer opened up his jacket revealing more guns than
most military outposts.
Robot computed this. "Robot does not need
firearms."
Londo led Robot away from the gunman. "Robot,
don't talk to anyone." He hiccuped. "I'll talk to the guy in
charge. Just watch my back."
Robot responded his consent. "Affirmative."
Londo made his way to the platform and waved to
the rapper on stage. "Hey Master G!"
Master G came down. "Word, brother, word!"
"Right. I need information about Retro 70's
Actor Man, garbage, and clones."
"Sweet. Check it. Me and my homies were
laying down our mac, and there was a downtown pimp looker! Westside!!"
"And...?"
"Well, I didn't want no trouble. But he started
talking alien talk, and I said ‘Hey, I speak no Italian or what', and he
just kept going on. But he knows nothing about me, about slashing
my wrists, and my childhood in the Ghetto. He don't know me, man!
East coast!" Master G struck a pose.
"What did you do?" Robot asked.
"My boys and myself, we gonna show him who's pimp
daddy, what. So we cut him up some, and he upped like a chemistry
man, showing himself to the air. And I'm like ‘Dude, my ride ain't
rolling!', and my man Crash says ‘We book for the narcs man'. Then
we dug around a bit more in the dump, and found some more old bicycle chains,
sup."
"Anything else unusual?" Londo hiccuped.
"No brother! Peace!" and with that, Master
G jumped back on stage and started rapping some more.
"Robot did not understand Master G's syntax." Robot
complained.
Londo gestured for them to speak outside the Rap
Arena. The two walked through the double doors, which clanged shut
behind them. "Master G took a few of his friends to look around the
dump to find some chains to wear, to impress women. They found an
alien who vanished when they attacked it." Londo explained, and hiccuped.
"Computing. Suggested course of action: go
to dump." Robot started rolling there. Londo ran up to him, after
checking to see the charge on his gun.
As Londo was about to round a corner leading to
the dump, Robot held him back. "Danger Will Robinson, danger!"
A Retro 70's Actor Clone walked up to them.
"He's expecting you."
Londo approached the clone carefully. "Who
is?"
The clone turned and walked slowly to the dump,
indicating they should follow him. The clone opened the doors that
led inside. The dump was essentially one huge room, about the size
of three football fields. The door to the dump opened onto a metal
platform that was above the trash itself, and had a control panel against
one section of the chained fence around the platform. The smell was
horrendous.
And in the exact middle of the dump was what appeared
to be a giant throne. It was made up of a few stacked broken tables
serving as the seat, two broom handles serving as the side posts, and hundreds
of crushed tin cans to produce the backing. It rested on four eight-foot
tall conductor rods, the legs of the chair. The garbage underneath
the throne was dried and flattened, a sort of ground work, whereas all
the other refuse was a slime.
Londo and Robot climbed down the service ladder
into the sludge and walked towards the throne, waist-deep. After
10 minutes of slow going, the two reached the high ground and looked at
the occupant of the throne.
He was green and brown skinned wearing nothing save
a crown made of melted glass and tinfoil. He had dark scarlet eyes
with no pupils, and long stringy hair that looked like spaghetti.
He was tall and scrawny, and very dirty. "I am King Begrime.
Welcome to my Domain."
Londo made double sure his weapon was loaded.
"What do you want?"
King Begrime grinned. "What does anyone want?
To live, to be known, to be a person. But enough philosophy.
Please take the human away." He pointed to a small cage a few yards
to his right, where Retro 70's Actor Man sat licking his feet, trapped
by rusted iron bars.
"What did you do to him?" Robot demanded.
"Nothing, except take some of his genetic code.
You see, I need minions to serve me. And I had a choice of making
Ratmen, or genetically engineering one of your crew. I tried abducting
one of your crew and cloning him to make servants, but..." King Begrime
paused. "They...were too stupid!!!!! They kept running off,
doing their own thing! The only one who did anything I told it to
do was that clone who brought you in, over there! And look at him!"
The clone King Begrime was pointing to was attempting to remove his eyes.
Londo did all he could not to laugh.
King Begrime continued. "So I'm going to make
Ratmen. I'll keep that clone, but only until he successfully kills
himself. I am not interested in your measly CLEAN ship, only in this
trash domain."
Londo shrugged. "Well as long as you're happy,
we'll leave you alone."
King Begrime nodded. "That is agreeable.
And, when I first arrived, a couple of rappers attempted to kill me for
no known reason. I had not yet learned to speak English, much less
degenerate Ghetto, and being attacked by fools was not my idea of fun.
So I threw a hiccup curse on the leader of the troop."
Londo hiccuped to emphasize the point.
"I missed." King Begrime shrugged. He slapped
Londo a couple of times on the chest to cure him. "Now leave with
that disgusting human. And if you ever require my sage advice, do
not hesitate to drop in."
A roar sounded in the distance and the ground trembled.
King Begrime shook his head. "All right Fluffy, I'm coming!"
He turned to address his retreating guests. "My Blarg-Yarg gets terribly
hungry when people visit." he apologized.
The End
Really Hyperspace
The keg was taunting him. It's round wooden span
seduced him. He knew he shouldn't, but it was no use. The captain
was in love. "More drinks!! Ale, wench!" Captain Bloodthirsty
shouted.
Quark opened the barrel of hard liquor, and adjusted
his wench gown. "For the last time, I am not a wench, I am a Ferengi."
The pirate captain payed him no attention.
"To our new crew; may they swab the deck like gentlemen! ARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"
The red-bearded man slashed his saber in the air.
"Computer: freeze program." Sam instructed.
The holographic pirate froze in mid-swing. Sam took the opportunity
to remove the green parrot from his own shoulder. Sam wore typical
pirate breeches and an open necked tunic. "There is no way
that pirate would care about swabbing decks like gentlemen!"
"On who's opinion?" Kryten responded, wearing a
bandana. "I think swabbing like a gentleman is very practical for
swashbucklers."
Dino-Bot rubbed his chin, and adjusted his eyepatch.
"The time traveler has a point, android. Omit it."
Kryten tapped a command in his datapad, grumbling.
Londo wanted to share his bit as well. "Isn't
he just a little bit too understandable?" He continued polishing
his black boots.
Kryten stiffened. "Sir, you wouldn't want
REAL pirate lexicon, would you?"
Londo nodded and tucked his over-sized earring into
his pocket. The Cat took the earring out of Londo's pocket and put
it on himself.
"You asked for it..." Kryten mumbled. He finished
typing and put down his pad. "Computer: resume."
Captain Bloodthirsty finished his swing as if he
never stopped, the saber slicing the air. "Yaaar mateys. I's
bin doon think an aye wonder ‘bout yar crewminchepsuh. Howsa lon
gu bin ad seee??"
No one had an answer for the man.
"Change him back." Sam said after a minute of awkward
silence.
Dino-Bot shook his head and put down his beer mug.
"Who's ridiculous idea was it to have a party in the belly of a rotting
wooden ship in the company of a decrepit destitute drunkard with the brainpower
of a challenged sloth that smells of goat. The rats provide a more
interesting conversation!"
The three rats on the keg gave him a thumbs up.
"AARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!" Captain Bloodthirsty roared.
"MEE SHAP'S NAH RODDEN!!! YARRRRRR!!" He leaped to his feet
and raised his sword menacingly.
"I tire of this charade." Dino-Bot fired his eye
lasers at the pirate, and burnt a hole through his chest. The pirate's
eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fell backwards onto the ground
with a resounding thud.
Cat shook his head. "Buddy, that's the last
time we invite you to the drink fest."
Scotty's voice came over the intercom. "Attention
all hands: we will be entering a Hyperspace tunnel in two minutes."
Dino-Bot snarled. "Scotty! Why was I
not informed of a Hyperspace tunnel?!"
"I didn't know about myself until three seconds
ago." Scotty's reply came back.
"Who is steering the ship?!" Dino-Bot fumed.
Londo looked at the duty roster. "The Governor.
But Worf is with him."
Dino-Bot clenched his fist. "Tarantulas..."
Sam sighed. "Doesn't it get tiring blaming
Tarantulas for everything?"
Dino-Bot shot him a look. "No. Rat 1,
Rat 2, and Rat 3, I may have just met you, but we could use you on the
bridge." Dino-Bot turned to his newly acquired rat friends on the beer
keg.
Tarantulas was sitting there picking his teeth.
He was also sporting a pirate costume. "Doesn't it get tiring blaming
me for everything?"
Meanwhile on the bridge, Worf's eyes slowly opened.
The last thing he recalled was Pizza Guy serving his Gak pizza with Greek
dressing. He noticed his fetal position on the bridge deck and stood
up. The pizza was at his feet. He stooped down and sniffed
it. "I was drugged."
"I'm sorry, but I had no choice."
Worf snarled. "Retro 70's Actor Man!!
Where is the Governor?"
"At my feet, stoned off catnip." Retro 70's Actor
Man continued operating the ship's helm. The Governor was moaning
at his feet.
"Why??" Worf growled.
"To get into the Hyperspace tunnel!" Retro 70's
Actor Man answered with glee. "All the chocolate in the universe
for me!!"
"What?" Worf raised an eyebrow.
"That's what the voices in my head told me." Retro
70's Actor Man grinned.
Dino-Bot shot onto the bridge, along with Sam, Londo,
and Kryten. "Londo take helm. Sam and Worf, take the lunatic.
Kryten get us away from that tunnel."
"NO!!" Retro 70's Actor Man screamed as Worf and
Sam dragged him off. "The chocolate!!!"
Londo started sweating at the console. "I
can't get out of the pull!"
"All ship functions are unresponsive." Kryten reported.
Now Retro 70's Actor Man started going crazy.
He began to tear at Sam's clothing in a chocolate frenzy. Worf had
to subdue him quietly by punching his face in.
"We're being pulled in!" Kryten shouted.
Dino-Bot jumped behind tactical. "Sam take
ship's systems. Worf take weapons. Kryten, find the nearest
terminal out. I don't want to jump across half the galaxy."
Kryten reached for the console, and reached and
reached and reached and reached and reached and reached and reached and
reached and reached and reached and reached... "I I I I I I I I I
I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I can't reach it!!"
"Time ime ime ime dilation!" Sam shouted and shouted
and shouted.
"Anti-time dilation field in place." Tarantulas
walked calmly onto the bridge.
"That's impossible." Sam shot at him.
"Why thank you." Tarantulas replied. "I try."
Kryten scanned the bridge. "Tarantulas has
succeeded in establishing a time bubble around no existing frame of reference.
Impossible..."
"Why, so many compliments in one day!" Tarantulas
giggled.
Dino-Bot pounded his fist into his console.
"Enough! I want to know how this happened! Time dilation is
NOT a part of Hyperspace tunnels, only wormholes."
"I have a theory." Kryten stated. "This could
be Really Hyperspace. A theoretical plane of existence that is in
a constant state of flux."
Dino-Bot folded his arms. "Go on."
Kryten continued. "Really Hyperspace is unpredictable.
Both time and space are bouncing off the walls, and running around in random
circles."
Sam rubbed his chin. "So where's the Ritalin?"
Kryten turned to him. "I do not know sir."
Dino-Bot snorted. "How can we escape?"
"I do not know that either sir." Kryten apologized.
"What was Retro 70's Actor Man speaking about earlier?
With the chocolate?" Worf asked in puzzlement.
"Of course!" Kryten was just full of answers today.
"Scan for Idiot Waves."
Dino-Bot pulled up the image of a wavelength.
"Strong sources from all around us."
"This must be the fabled Idiot realm. The
Idiots are always looking for passage out of Really Hyperspace, so they
tempt all other idiots passing by in the hopes of hijacking their ship."
"Like psirens." Londo noted.
"Exactly." Kryten nodded.
"How do you know all this?" Tarantulas asked.
"Erm..." Kryten stuttered. "Lucky guess?"
"What's that book you're reading?" Worf asked.
Kryten sighed. " ‘101 Useful Ways To Save
Your Ship'. I bought it at a Garage Sale."
Dino-Bot began to lose his temper. "This does
not explain how we may escape!!"
Sam thought for a moment. "What repels Really
Hyperspace?"
It occurred to everyone at the same time.
"Brussel Sprouts!"
Worf returned to the bridge. "Ready to launch."
Dino-Bot gripped his console. "All hands brace
for impact." His hands wavered over his big red button. "Firing!"
He pushed it.
All the guns on the ship fired a single Brussel
Sprout at the same time. Overall, three thousand Sprouts were shot
into the swirling chaos. Immediately, a massive green shockwave exploded
against the hull of the Babylon Dwarf. The ship tossed back into
real space, on the verge of structural collapse.
Just as the ship seemed doomed, the shaking stopped
and all power was regained. Everyone turned to Kryten in congratulations.
"Can I borrow that book?" Londo asked.
Unbeknownst to everyone on board, a stowaway huddled
by itself on the deck of Cargo Bay 74.
The End
That ends another issue and prepare
for more dangerous and fun excitement in "The Misadventures Of Mixed-Up
Space!" in the new Leospace 9.
Back To Leopard's
Domain!