Chris Farley - On David Letterman

March 29, 1995

Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, you know our first guest from the very popular television program "Saturday Night Live". When do they do that show, Paul? (Dave and Paul exchange usual banter) But on Friday, he will be a major motion picture star when his brand new film "Tommy Boy" opens nationwide. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the "human thunderball", Chris Farley!

(Chris emerges onto the stage, performing two entire cartwheels and some headbanging and other craziness. He goes behind the chairs, straight to Dave, vigorously shakes Dave's hand with both hands. Chris then raises his arms to the crowd, does a little more headbanging that flops into the chair and swigs a big load out of the coffee mug on the table.)

Dave: Man alive! Now we're talking, buddy! That was something. Very, very impressive. That's quite an entrance!

Chris: Dave, you know, the uh.. friend that works here uh.. that ah.. you have..

Dave: (Laughs) Well, he's more than just a friend. Actually, he's on the payroll.

Chris: (Giggles) He said you liked physical stuff, so I uh...

Dave: Well, that was a very impressive entrance. I think in the ten years we've been doing this show, I've never seen anything quite like that. Chris: (Yelling like a quarterback calling a play in the huddle) Wanna do what the King wants!! (Crowd cheers) So.. I like to do that! I'm on the Dave Letterman show!! (more cheers) By Golly!

(Replay of Farley's cartwheels)

Dave: Look at this, now look! Man! That's a..

Chris: That's a whole lotta.. (trails off) what an idiot!

Dave: You sir, are a regular Nadia Comeneci! You are a Mary Lou Retton! How you doing, buddy? You getting all excited about your big movie?

Chris: Oh, man, yeah!

Dave: Things are getting better and better for you, arent they?

Chris: Yeah.... ah.. er..I love it.

Dave: Do you get a sense now, of how your life might change with the fame that is going to come with the release of this film? Not that you're not famous now, but, you know, it's gonna be more and more!

Chris:Well, I don't know, ah.. sometimes people come up to me and like ah.. ask for an autograph. One time I was with my Dad and uh..

Dave: What's your Dad's name?

Chris: My Dad's named Tom.

Dave: Uh-huh.

Chris: Yeah. And then, the ah..the chef at the restaurant came up and asked for an autograph, and so I signed it, and then my Dad goes "What'd you put on there??" and I go, "Well, he just wanted an autograph so I signed my name, and he goes "OH FOR GODS' SAKES MAKE IT PERSONAL!! FOLKS ARE COMING UP THERE TAKING A RISK IN ASKING YOU, MAKE IT PERSONAL FOR GODS' SAKE! (Crowd laughs) YOU SIGN YOUR NAME LIKE A JACKASS!" (Crowd, Dave laughs) No, but um.. I don't know, it's like sometimes people come up for an autograph, but it's not gonna change me, I'm just the same old Chris. (puts on pair of sunglasses) Nothing's gonna happ... (Farley rolls back, chair falls completely, dumps him backwards, legs up in the air. he pops back up) I'VE BROKEN YOUR EQUIPMENT! (puts chair back up, walks around, sits down again, falls over again!)

Dave: Whoa! Look out! Are you alright? Are you gonna be OK?

Chris: Yeah, I thought that...

Dave: Well, here, you know, here you go you can have one of those, congratulations. (Dave hands Chris an Oscar from underneath his desk, hands it to Chris)

Chris: (Clutching Oscar tightly with both hands, and holding in to his face with cheesy smile) Oh my goodness!

(Dave reaches for another Oscar, sets it on the table and Chris takes it and bites off the head and rubs his tummy)
(BIG Laughs from Dave and audience is going wild)

Chris: I like chocolate!

Dave: Oh... man! Chris, you're from ah.. I think you're from Wisconsin, right? Madison, Wisconsin?

Chris: Yes SIR.

Dave: Beautiful state and a very nice city. Madison, I think, is the capital of Wisconsin, right?

Chris: Yeah (Kind of choking while he says it).. Sorry about that, (He starts slamming his right fist into his heart like a heart attack)

Dave: Hee hee hee! Uh..

Chris: Yeah, Madison is the capital of Wisc...

Dave: What about your Mom? You mentioned your Dad, how's your Mom doing?

Chris: Oh, she's great.

Dave: What kind of life did you and your folks have when you were a kid?

Chris: Oh Lord, Dave I put-them-through-hell. No.. (smiles) Sorry about that..

(Dave leans forward with napkin and wipes chocolate from Chris' cheek. Chris laughs, then Dave kisses Chris on the cheek!)

Chris: (Loud exclamation, wrings his hands, laughing)

Dave: I'VE GONE NUTS! I'VE GONE NUTS! I can't STOP IT! (Chris claps, laughing)

Chris: (Puts hands together) Oh Dave, I never thought it could happen! (Holds his heart and gives his trademark "naughty little grin"

Dave: Alright, now..

Chris: What if I just start falling in love with you?

Dave: No don't, now, ok..

Chris: Sorry.

Dave: Cause we're just kidding around. It's TV, you know, and it's all for charity. (Farley laughs) So now your Mom, and your Mom's name is what?

Chris: My Mom's name is Mary Ann.

Dave: Mary Ann and Tom, OK! Now, how does Mar.. How did she.. what was she like as a kid, what kind of a Mom was she?

Chris: Oh, she was wonderful, but probably, you know, as I said "put her through hell"

Dave: Yeah.

Chris: I remember sometimes I'd.. um, I'd come home from school. She kept trying to put me in a diet. In 6th grade, she took me to Weight Watchers and stuff like that.

Dave: How much did you weigh in 6th grade? Do you mind tellin'?

Chris: I was a pretty hefty kid, I was on the ah, highest level football team when I was in the 6th grade, which was usually for the 8th graders, but.. I did it. Mostly because of my bulk. (Pushes neck out, like the "weight room" bit in Tommy Boy) (Dave cracks up) But ah.. but so she tried to make me lose weight, and so she put me on Weight Watchers, and had Weight Watchers all up and down the refrigerator, and she had the ice cream in there, and I'd come home from after school, watch reruns of Gilligan's Island and take that gallon of Weight Watchers ice cream and eat it and my Mom would go "Christopher, I know it's Weight Watchers, but it doesn't work when you eat the whole gallon." (More big laughs from Dave and crowd) No, but ah.. so, she's excellent.

Dave: You want me to get a towel for your hair? Because it looks like it's not quite dry yet, we don't want you catching cold! (Laughs from Chris and audience) I'll tell you what Chris, we gotta do a commercial, and when we come back, we'll talk about your show, we'll talk about your movie, we'll talk about anything else that's going on in you're life alright?

Chris: Excellent.

Dave: Alright great, we'll be right back here with Chris Farley.

(On segue to commercial, slow motion replay of Dave's kiss)

Chris: I love this show, Dave

Dave: You and I worked together an NBC for awhile, I think you, ok, how long have you been over there yourself?

Chris: This is my 5th year.

Dave: 5th year, and so ah.. we knew each other before I came over here to CBS. What was that like for you, all of the sudden you're working there at NBC, that must have been a huge thrill for ya.

Chris: God, it was so awesome. I remember, you probably did see me all the time cause I was always going back and forth down onto your show, watching and stuff.

Dave: I remember, yeah, we would see you in the hallway if we had a band or a guest on that you would like you would come down, yeah it was nice.

Chris: You'd say "Beat it, Tubby.. the beverages aren't free!" No, (Laughs from Dave) You did say something about beverages one time! But ah man, um, aw dang I love this show, though I've been watching it for 12 years! Except for anytime we used to watch it in college.. (Takes drag from fake doobie) "Ahh ha ha ha! Letterman, man!! How does he.. Check out Letterman!! Ha ha ha ha (throws head around) Check him out, man!" (Tons of laughs) So, I always used to go down there and watch out from 8 and then your studio at 6, and then, but first time I got hired at Saturday Night Live I was kind of paranoid and...and scared, I had that "ID card", you know?

Dave: Oh yeah, you gotta have the NBC ID.

Chris: NBC ID, and I lost it..!

Dave: Oh no.

Chris: And I thought, "Oh my God, security's been BREACHED, they're gonna have to redo everyone's security code, I thought it was a huge deal, and my.. my paranoid fantasy was that like, it would get to you and you're like "Who is the jackass they hired up at Saturday Night Live?! He cant hold on to an ID card? Get him out of here!" And I was like "noo! ... I'll find it!"

Dave: Yeah, I pretty much called the shots over there, (Laughs from crowd) yeah, that's how that worked. And that's why I had to leave! Well, let's talk about the movie! Well, you're very excited, it's called "Tommy Boy". You and David Spade. David Spade, very funny man, very nice guy. And you guys are friends as well as working together on the show, and now in this big movie.

Chris: Yeah, he's my buddy, we had a lot of fun, I love this movie!

Dave: Shot it in Toronto?

Chris: Yeah, we shot it in Toronto. We had to go back and forth alot from Toronto to New York, because we were doing the show at the same time. So we'd like break up the monotony and stuff like that, and Spade said that, he kept trying to bug me about my weight and said I kept eating when I got nervous, (I have a little bit of a weight problem, I'm not sure if anyone...) But then ah.. This jacket used to fit me during the shoot! (Chris is trying to pull his jacket together in front with no luck. BIG laughs from Dave and audience) But, ah so, he says, he exaggerated to like "don't give me that excuse about nerves!" He exaggerates to like "Oh my God there's a red stoplight! (chomp chomp) Not another blue car!! (munch)" One time on the plane, he'd always check the candy bar drawer to make sure there was ah they were all full, but ah, the second time he checked it, it was all wrappers, there was chocolate all around my mouth, and I go " I don't know where they went!" Had to break up the monotony, one time everyone was really tired and I couldn't sleep for some reason, so they all woke up and I was bare naked on the plane! The pilot said "GET YOUR CLOTHES ON, IT REEKS IN HERE!" no.. (Crowd laughs) Oh God, that was a bad one, I shouldn't have gone on the air with that! (Huge laughs from Dave, Chris pulls hair)

Dave: No, Chris you're being too hard on yourself, that's a lovely story! (Laughs) Let's talk a little bit about the movie. "Tommy Boy" it's about a kid, that like, inherits his Dad's business? That kind of deal? Is that what it is?

Chris: Yeah, umm, I go work for my Dad, played by Brian Dennehy, man he is awesome!

Dave: Now that's excellent casting, the two of you, I could believe that, father and son! That's a good job!

Chris: Yeah.

Dave: Yeah?

Chris: And then, uh, I keep screwing up for the company and stuff. I really love this movie, I hope that everyone will like it, cause we had fun making it, and I think it's really good.

Dave: I hope so, too! I hope it's a HUGE hit for ya, and for David Spade, and everybody else as well.

Chris: Cause if I don't I'm going back to Wisconsin on the farm, so GO TO IT!!! (not many laughs from Audience) No.. no, that was stupid too! I shouldn't have done that either. (Big laughs from Dave)

Dave: You know, you're very entertaining, and a very nice guy, I appreciate you coming over to say hello tonight.

Chris:(Earnestly) Thanks, Dave. Thanks.

Dave: Alright, good luck Chris.

Chris: Thanks alot, man.

Dave: Thank you very much. Chris Farley! We'll be right back!!