(5)- ooh! character depth!Woundage:
(8)- It ain't fair, I tell ya.
Screen Time: (5)- ooh! character depth!
Woundage: (8)- It ain't fair, I tell ya.
Aesthetics: 
(6)- I guess he MUST be a criminal, since he certainly stole my heart...
"What's this movie about?" Jenna asked me as we walked back from the video store with four hours of Sheen-family-packed film (this and Men at Work) in tow. "Hmmm....I dunno. Billy the Kid, I think. They're young, and they've uh, got guns." From there we started calling it things like Infantile Rifles, Embryonic Artillery, Zygote Firearms, et al. I should have seen right away that this is a movie one must make fun of to survive.
All in all, I have to say that the first twenty minutes of the film was wholly satisfying, even if we did lose the plot within the first five. Seeing "Geoffrey Blake" in the opening credits caused a huge shrieking fit on my part, and then when he appeared on the doorstep of the Regulators' humble home, I just about swooned. He was magnificent. I mean, MAGNIFICENT. Facial hair notwithstanding. And then when it looked like he was going to basically follow the Young Guns Gang around and agree with whatever they said for the whole film, I was delighted. But twas not to be. The film then took a malevolent turn. Now for those of you who are diehard fans of Young Guns, yes, I know this is not what really happened. But I pretty much played MST3K with this movie (well, that and alternately swooning over Blake) so I wasn't paying attention and I didn't know what was going on. Here's what I saw.
Scene: the Young Guns Gang is riding through the heinously brown and yellow Old West (tm) in search of the Bad Guys (tm).
Geoff: I think we should go that way.
Charlie: That sounds good. What do you guys think?
Kiefer: Sure.
Dermot: I'll go for that.
Lou: OK.
Jess: That's right. Listen to my man. He knows what he's talking about.
Emilio: But wait! I don't think we should! I think McCloskey is really a Bad Guy (tm)! I think he's leading us into a trap!
Geoff: I am not. I'm one of YOU guys, idiot.
Emilio: Don't listen to him! He's a spy for the Bad Guys(tm)!
Jess: I refuse to believe that my Geoff is a Bad Guy (tm).
Jenna: You believe whatever you want to, Jess. Just keep on believing that.
(Everyone dismounts and stands on the bank of the river.)
Emilio: Aha! I knew it! You're a Bad Guy (tm)! You've been a spy all along!
Charlie: You don't have any proof of that, you know.
Dermot: He's right. Leave McCloskey alone.
Jess: Yeah. Leave McCloskey alone.
Emilio (drawing gun): I don't need proof. He just is. (grinning manically) And he is evil. He must be killed.
Kiefer (from behind Geoff): He is not evil, Billy. You're on crack. Put the gun down and we'll get you some help.
Charlie: Come on, Billy.
Emilio: BLAM! BLAM!
Cut to Kiefer looking really surprised as he gets spattered with blood and chunks of brain.
Jess: OH MY GOD! HE KILLED GEOFFREY! YOU BASTARD!!!!!!
Jenna: Wow. That was unexpected.
Emilio looks over at his companions triumphantly. They all give him a sort of "OK, you've made your point, you're a psychotic executioner" kind of look and exchange nervous glances, wondering who's next.
Charlie: You know, you probably shouldn't have done that.
Dermot: I agree. That was bad.
Cut to a very puzzled-looking Kiefer, whose face is still covered with bits of Blakebrain, and an even more puzzled-looking Geoff, who now sports a large hole in his forehead.
Jess: He's dead! I can't believe it!
Jenna: Nope. Not yet.
Just to be a dork, Emilio shoots Geoff one more time in the stomach. Geoff falls over backward into the river with a splash. Kiefer continues to look puzzled.
Charlie: Well, you know what guys? Billy was right. I think he really was a Bad Guy (tm).
Lou: OK, I'll go for that. Let's go get some lunch.
Everyone else: OK.
Everyone gets back on their horses and leaves.
Jess: That's it? That's all you see of Geoffrey for the whole rest of the movie?
Jenna: One would assume. Unless he comes back as a ghost, which isn't very likely.
Jess: Emilio is a jerk. I hate him. (please note that my irrational hatred for Emilio Estevez subsided in about half an hour)
Jenna: When do you s'pose Kiefer's going to remember to wipe the Blakebrain off of his face?
Jess: I'm not watching this! This movie is evil! I can't believe they killed Geoffrey!
Jess turns off the VCR.
So, you see, I didn't actually watch the whole thing, so I can't really give you an accurate review. I do have this to say, though. For the few minutes you do see of him, he is very sexy. This is definitely worth renting. Just remember to turn off the tape before Emilio snaps.
