THE DEN(not just a reading room)
THE DEN
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Poems
and Short
Fiction by E.J.
Davie
(all rights reserved)
They sit, they wait and watch the clock. In an ordered array, the ho-hum of the day, Is like watching a rock. Back and forth they patiently labor, wall to wall, end to end, to pace the floor up and down, and back again. Too scared to stay away, yet to scared to enter. Signs on the door, down the hall read "ENTER," but, they can't, so they turn and stare at the clock. Tic toc, tic…oooOH, here comes the scream again. It's been three hours, twenty minutes, two seconds. Day turns to night with each passing moan. They look down at eh floor at every women's groan. Three women who truly know labor. They can't deal with pain. They're only men. Labor, they only know with hands. But women, for a babe to enter must go through hell. Not six feet under, but on the sixth floor were deliveries take place and men watch the clock. Who would have thought in one single day two brothers and a friend would meet again. Apart for too long, they meet on common ground again. Communicating silently with a grin, as their wives labor away to give birth to their children early Saturday morning. "It is time," the nurse said when she entered only three minutes ago, scowling when they looked at the clock. Fear in their eyes, she scoffed as they pace the floor. From her, a scowl, a bark, and a glance of stone, they crossed the floor and left the room. Before following her out, they looked once again for that tic toc, tic oooOH of a friend, the clock. They made their way to the room labeled, LABOR. Once there, they peek in cautiously before they enter. "Where the hell have you been," in stereo their wives scream. DOOMSDAY Poor, excuses for men will soon get to celebrate Father's Day, although they did nothing more than pace the floor, and wait. Their wives did the work, to enter a son for a brother, and a daughter for the other, and again a son for the friend. Three women of strength, who truly know labor, while their husbands paced, waited and watched the clock, For a babe to enter, never to do it again. Tic toc, tic toc its five o'clock in the morning as they silently slumber, those men who know not labor.
Dau
Tranh: The Struggle in Vietnamese
Consummation
of Love
Wondering
through Arps Hall at the Ohio State University
Short Fiction
It's been almost two weeks since the accident. Each morning when I wake, and at night before I go to bed I think about it, the moment in time when my life almost ended. It was the night when Robert's life as he knew it ended. He had been my boyfriend of four years. The memory of the darkness of the night, the car going over the rail, the cool, death chilling water are still so clear. Would it always haunt me? Would the pain, the guilt, the memories never go away?
The first night I woke up in the hospital I had no idea where I was. The room was dark and I didn't hear a sound. It wasn't until I moaned that I heard movement. Who was in the room? I tried to say Robert's name, but the sounds were unrecognizable. It hadn't been Robert, but my mother. She had gotten the doctor and my father. There wasn't much they could tell me that first night. My shoulder, neck and back hurt. They took x-rays and then put me in some sort of brace to set my broken right collar bone. My mother stayed with me that first night, but even her comforting voice didn't calm me. I had asked about Robert, but no one told me anything. Was he alive? I lay awake in the night replaying the events of the day before in my head.
"There is no way you're going to miss this party Vanessa," Tracy Evans, my best friend had said to me at lunch the day of her party. She had been planning to throw the party of the year. Actually the party had been a gift from Tracy's uncle for getting decent grades this quarter. Good grades to us before had been a D average or better. After Tracy and I entered high school together our grades had never reached the high level of achievement that our elementary school teachers had predicted. Instead we spent our time dodging homework and detention. More often we ended up doing our homework in detention or Saturday school and only getting half the credit. In our last quarter of school, however, Tracy decided to straighten up and get B's and C's. I don't know if graduating in three months had inspired her or not. It wasn't an inspiration for me. My parents wanted me to go to college, but I didn't think my grades or I were college material. Instead I concentrated on having fun.
"So go without him," Tracy said, sipping her pop. We were on our way to the senior court yard during lunch hour when I told her about Robert's reluctance to go to the party with me. I had been trying for weeks to get him to say yes. Even though Robert was a good student and very serious about his swimming, he always made time for me. That was one of the things that had attracted me to him. Unlike me, he knew how to get his work done and still have time for fun and games.
"I don't want to go without him." Up until the last few months, when a college swim coach came to see Robert swim, I never had too much trouble getting Robert to go partying with me. We both loved being in the mix. Robert was well known for his swimming, and I was just well known. Looking back on it, I could have done a lot of things differently? Robert used to tell me that hind sight was 20/20.
"Come on Robert," I had pleaded later that day. We were on our way to Spanish class.
"No Venny, I don't want to go. I have practice early tomorrow morning," Robert said. His long, powerful legs strolled briskly down the school hall. I loved his legs. I liked the way they had wrapped around me the first time we had sex. It had been my first time and I was scared. Would we get caught? We had been in my room after school. Mostly I was scared of not knowing what to do. But Robert's eyes and his sweet words... "Relax, just take it slow and easy," he had whispered in my ear. I knew then everything would be all right.
"Do it for me," I whined.
"Look Vanessa, I told you I don't want to go. Can't you go alone?"
"I don't want to go alone," I yelled, my voice echoing through the empty hallway. I was close to tears. How could I go to a party without Robert. We had always gone together. We were a couple. "I thought I meant something to you."
"Come on. You know you mean a lot to me. Don't you understand, my Olympic career is important too."
"I'm getting sick of hearing about your Olympic career. What Olympic career," I said boldly, "You haven't even made the team yet." I glared at him as my short legs tried to keep up with his long ones. Robert had been so sure his future was set in stone.
"That's why I need to practice and not slack off. I have a shot, and I'm not going to mess it up by going out and partying when competition is in two weeks."
I tried again. "I love you," I said coyly. I looked up at him trying to flutter my eyes. We were standing outside of our classroom. I put my hand on his wrist as he reached for the knob. "Please," I tried again, this time not trying to flutter my eyes. He looked down at my five foot, six inch frame as he towered over me by four inches. I looked up into his eyes, the coolness that must have been lurking in the shadows, was then hidden by warmth. It spread across his face and down to his full mouth.
"Ok," he said with a sigh. "We can go if you promise me we won't stay long."
"I promise," I said giving him a kiss on those gorgeous lips of his. I felt so high, I didn't notice the glare in the teacher's eyes, or the chuckles that arose from my fellow classmates. I floated to a seat in the back row, concentrating on that innocent smile that Robert had aimed at the teacher as he took the seat next to mine.
The coolness in his eyes haunted me now as I lay in my hospital bed. The nurses buzzed in and out. They were always checking my pulse, listening to my lungs, writing on my chart. I didn't mind the prodding and poking, because it took my mind off of Robert. It took my mind off of the crash. I couldn't avoid thinking about it for very long though. The nurses didn't stay that long and neither did my parents. And I, I sat all the while remembering. Oh, how I wish... Crying didn't help. My whole world felt as my lungs had inside that car. They felt as though they were collapsing. My world was falling down around my ears and now I didn't have Robert to comfort and reassure me. It was only a matter of time. In that time I remembered more.
"Well, are you happy," Robert said turning to look around. We had been at the party almost two hours. The large living room and adjoining dining area were crowded with kids from school. I hadn't known that Tracy knew so many people. It wasn't until I saw someone carrying a keg of beer, and heard Tracy's voice, that I realized she didn't.
"Venny, help me," her eyes were large and bulging. "If my uncle comes home and sees this I'm going to be in deep shit." I stared at her, until someone handed me a silver can. "Your not going to drink that are you?"
"Lighten up, Trace. Your uncle isn't going to come home anytime soon." I sat on a bar stool and popped the tab open. I hadn't had a drink in over a month, the last time Robert and I went to a party. The cool liquid felt good sliding down my throat. I had just taken a second gulp when I noticed Robert staring at me.
"What," I said looking him defiantly in the eyes. Robert didn't drink. As long as we had been going to parties he never touched a drop. I would usually sneak off and have a can of beer or a cooler while he was busy talking about his possible Olympic career, the freshmen girls swooning over him. "Do you want some," I said smiling. He looked at me and then turned to the group of girls standing next to him. He knew it annoyed me when he talked with other girls, but I wasn't going to let him spoil the last good party for me.
I sipped my drink slowly and then got up from my seat. Wondering through gyrating bodies, I walked to the kitchen. There were a few kids standing near the sink. Next to them sat a bottle of rum and on the floor a large cooler full of ice and Cokes. I grabbed a can from the cooler and a glass from the dish drain. I poured half of the can into the glass and after removing the cap from the bottle, proceeded to pour the rum.
"What's that," Robert asked as I walked up beside him.
"Coke," I said taking a drink. He stared at me and then lowered my hand.
"Let me have some. My throat is dry."
"I don't think you want any," I began, but he had the glass up to his lips. I don't think he tasted it. The smell reached his nose first.
"What the..."
"I told you." I took the glass and took another drink. The glass was almost empty when I lowered it.
"I think we should go Vanessa!" His voice was sharp sounding, but I didn't pay any attention. I had spotted Tracy across the room and had turned to walk over toward her when I felt pressing fingers on my wrist. I could tell by the pressure that Robert was serious.
"Come on," he said taking my other hand and pulling me through the crowd. He continued to pull me towards the door, but just before we reached it, I yanked my hand free.
"Are you fuckin' crazy! What the hell is your problem?"
"You said we wouldn't stay long," he said calmly.
"It's still early," I whined
"We've already gone through this Venny," Robert looked around and I followed his eyes back to the crowd. I had never seen him look so angry. The room was quiet and everyone was staring at us. Tracy stood on the edge of the crowd, her hands balled into fist. She glared at us through slitted eyes. Robert opened the door and walked out. I followed him.
"You know what Robert, you're a trip," only the word came out "thrip." "You know what I mean," I began again.
"What ever," he said, but I could barely hear him. He was walking towards the street where he had parked the car.
"Where are you going?" I called after him.
"Home! You can stay if you want. Have Tracy take you home." I ran after him, reaching the car just as he started the engine. I fumbled with the door handle. I couldn't let him go home without me. I had never left a party alone. What was happening to us?
"Why are you being such an ass," I yelled jumping into the car. My door was barely shut when Robert pulled off.
"You don't care about me Vanessa," Robert said.
"What?"
"You don't care about me. You drag me to this stupid party even though you know I need to practice tomorrow. And now your drinking."
I looked down at my shaking hands. My eyes hurt, my ears pounded, and I felt like a watermelon was sitting on my head. "I'm sorry," I said slowly, and quietly. I leaned my head back to ease the pressure. There was no response. Was he listening to me? "I only wanted you to have some fun." I tried again.
"You have no love Venny," Robert said.
"Let's just squash it. We're on our way home, right?" I hadn't done anything, but ask him to have fun. Why was he so upset? I watched as the lights of the city gave way to darker streets. It was a dark night and the farther we got from the main city towards the outskirts, the darker it became.
"You've changed Venny," Robert said.
"I've changed," I snorted. "Your the one always carrying on about your Olympic career."
"It doesn't matter," he said, sighing. "It's over."
"What," I couldn't believe my ears. "Just because I had one drink."
"Because we want different things."
My face felt hot, and I could feel the anger and hate rising inside me. Where did he get off thinking he was better than me. Suddenly I shot my foot over to his and pressed down.
"What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy," he screamed. His normally deep voice went up in pitch. I watched the speed dial as it went up and up. We were pushing seventy as we approached the bridge crossing the Olentangy River. I looked to see if there were any cops behind us. My eyes wouldn't focus, but I thought I saw a car. I didn't care.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He was trying to push on my leg. He only took his eyes off the road for a second, but that was enough. I thought I saw the car swerve. In a haze I turned the stirring wheel. We were crossing the bridge.
"Look out!" I yelled as the car headed for the side rail. Robert turned the wheel sharply, but as the car swerved he lost control of it. The car continued on its path and crashed through the opposite rail.
Although I had been in there for almost a week, it seemed like only yesterday that I was brought into the hospital. I remembered falling in and out of consciousness, the policeman who had been behind us and who had pulled me out of the river trying to keep me still until the ambulance arrived. And then the ambulance siren wailing in my ear. When I arrived at the hospital I had been totally unconscious, but had come out of it later that night. Except for a broken right collar bone, I was ok. I was shaken up, but I thought I was ok. My doctor wanted to keep me for "observations" he had said. I wanted to go home. To hide in my room and avoid the world, my parents, and especially Robert.
He had come to me three nights ago, only two days after the accident. My parents had told me earlier in the day that he was alive but nothing more. They had stayed with me the first couple of nights, but after the doctor informed them that I would be ok, they went home, and only came during visiting hours. My dad had been pissed off, and my mother was thoroughly disgusted with me. According to their lecture, the doctor had told them about the alcohol they found in my blood. He also took it upon himself to inform them that alcohol was not found in Robert's blood.
"What was going on in your head," my father asked me. He was talking about my drinking, but all I could think about was my foot pressing hard against Roberts. The look of terror in his eyes. Laying in the hospital bed, I thought and thought. How stupid I had been. Starring at the white walls around me, I had nothing to do but think. I couldn't watch T.V. without thinking about how Robert loved movies. I couldn't listen to music without thinking about how he loved to dance. I didn't want to think about him or his accusing eyes. He didn't have to point fingers. I knew what I had done.
"I was beginning to wonder if you would ever wake up."
I directed my eyes toward the voice. It sounded familiar, but a bit strange.
"Robert," I asked quietly. I didn't know what to say. How could I apologize? My throat hurt and my lungs felt heavy. The room was lit by the bedside lamp. I looked toward the window. Robert sat in a chair half facing me. I couldn't see him clearly.
"Oh Robert," I sighed, "I thought you were..." I bit my words off.
"I'm alive," he said dryly. He turned to look out the window.
"How long have you been here?" I couldn't move because of the brace that was on my neck and shoulder. I wanted desperately to reach out to him. To see if he would hold me as he had done a week before.
"Not long." His voice was unfeeling.
"What's wrong? Where are my parents," I tried to get a better look at him, but darkness shielded him from my view.
"They went to the cafeteria. I told them I would stay with you."
"Are you all right? Come here, I can't see you."
"In a minute. I should ask you how you're doing." The monotone of his voice told me he didn't care.
"I'm lying here in a hospital bed and I can barely move," my voice grew louder. I wanted to keep control, but the coolness of his word hurt. He had never talked to me like this. "You're obviously doing fine." Why was he torturing me? Didn't he know how horrible I felt already, to always remember the sounds, the sirens that had been drowned out by the pounding of the water, but not Robert's screaming voice.
"You think so," he laughed. It didn't sound right in the darkness. It sounded sadistic, almost evil. "Guess again." He turned around. The smoothness of the turn and the speed told me he was in a wheelchair. I watched as he wheeled his way over to the other side of the bed where his body could be bathed in light. I held my breath as the light struck the whiteness of plaster. My heart sank as my gaze fell on his outstretched legs. The cast extended upward underneath his hospital gown. I closed my eyes.
"The bones in my legs are shattered." I opened my eyes to his harsh words, the full realization of what I had done hitting me then, as if fist were being pounded into my stomach. The light caught the wetness in his eyes. "Everything is shattered."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. Tears streamed down my face, the constant remembering. Sitting in this room, just days before had been filled with long hours of remembering, wishing I had done something different. I tried to think what would have happened if I had not taken that beer, or mixed that drink, but I knew that those weren't the cause of my pain. I prayed at night, something I hadn't done since I was a little girl, that it would all be a dream. Oh, how I wished this were a dream.
"I'm sorry," I said again.
"You should be." I stared at him. The iciness of his words hitting my heart, cutting it in two. Tears continued to fall. I didn't wipe them away. I watched and waited as Robert wheeled himself closer to the bed. Would he hit me? He had never done so before, but things were different before. There was a wall, no a river between us now.
"So do you hate me?" My voice quivered at the thought of his reply. He said nothing. "Answer me!"
"What were you thinking," he said slowly, "What were you thinking!" He was just a breathe away from the bed.
"I don't know. I was..."
"Living for today," he finished. His words rushed at me like the icy water had.
"Don't do that," I said shutting my eyes. My head was beginning to hurt again. "Don't use my words against me. I only wanted you to have some fun at the party." I lowered my voice. "There's a high price to pay for fun," I added. I knew that price well. I lost the trust of my parents. I didn't think I could go back to school, but mostly I lost Robert. He had been good for me. He and Tracy had always been there for me. Sitting in the hospital I realized I had wanted my world to stay the same, but instead it changed in the course of a few minutes. "Yeah there's a high price to pay," I mumbled.
"Your damn right," he said. I stared into his glaring eyes. Where was the warmth that used to reassure me? Gone were the caring, softness in his eyes, replaced with hard, dark pieces of cool glass. "There's a high price to pay for dreams Vanessa. I knew that." His voice caught. I knew I was being selfish, but I wanted him to go. I didn't think I could take anymore. He continued, "I knew that I would be missing out on some of the fun," he said, breaking the stare with a blink and then a whirl of the chair. "Why couldn't you accept that?" With his back toward me his voice sounded tired. He wheeled himself toward the door, not looking back.
I watched as he wheeled himself out. I strained my eyes to look out the window. The stars were bright. I wanted to make a wish, to believe that it would come true and that this hospital, Roberts legs, would all be just a bad dream. I watched until I couldn't stay awake. I didn't want to stay awake. I wanted to dream, to escape the pain.
Each morning I awoke and dreaded the day. My heart sank as the sun came up and shone brightly against the white walls. The walls that always reminded me of Robert's legs. They were my constant reminders of the pain that I had caused. I tried to shut it out by covering my head with the sheets, but the white grayish material only covered me with guilt. Why had he come to me? What could I do? I wanted to go to him. The day after he had come to see me I tried to go see him. The afternoon nurse came in after lunch and announced that she would take me around the hall in a wheelchair so I could get out of the room. I was grateful for the escape at first. It wasn't until we got farther down the hall that Robert's voice grew clearer in my ears.
"Stop," I said. Listening closely, I could hear his father's voice. It sounded soft, and soothing as my mother's had. Go to him, my mind kept telling me, but I couldn't.
"Is everything all right," the nurse asked.
"I... I want to go down this hall," I said, pointing to the adjoining hall.
After that day I couldn't face going to see him. I didn't know what to say to him. I wanted him to forgive me. I wanted him to say, "It's ok Vanessa. Everything will be ok." Maybe I should give him time, I rationed. Laying in my hospital bed, away from his voice, I could fool myself. My heart knew the truth. It felt heavy and each morning I still dreaded waking up. I laid there until the morning nurse came in, wondering what would have happened if the cops hadn't been behind us. My parents told me the officer who saved us was given a special award for bravery. Some nights I wish he hadn't been there. I could never tell my parents what happened. Every time they or Tracy asked, I just shake my head and say "I don't remember." I wish that were true.
"How are you feeling today," my doctor asked as he checked my chart.
"Better," I said. "When can I go home?" I had been in the hospital over a week, and I was ready to go, though home wasn't really the place. My parents were still very upset. Even after my shoulder healed I didn't know if I could go back to school. The questions, the stares, would be too much of a reminder.
The brace on my neck and shoulder had been removed, but a partial upper body cast had been put on. The white plaster made me itch, and sleeping at night was uncomfortable. I wondered if Robert has trouble sleeping?
"You're going to be in that cast a while so I hope you have a few large shirts you can wear."
I wanted to ask about Robert. I hadn't heard from him since the night he had come to my room, or the day after when I heard his voice. I couldn't get the words out, and I was too scared to venture down the hall where I knew his room was located. Every afternoon, the nurse would push me two doors away from his room and then I would ask her to take me down the adjoining hall. I couldn't bare to see him. Thinking about what I had done, the accident, always gave me a headache. I cried myself to sleep a few times, until I couldn't cry anymore. What was the point?
"I think you're well enough to go home tomorrow. I'll call your parents and let them know," the doctor said. He finished writing on the chart.
"Thank you," I said as he walked out of the door. Sitting upright, I leaned my head back against the pillows that had been propped up behind me. I was getting out tomorrow. How could I go back to school? Tracy had told me that everyone at school wanted to know what had happened. She had come to visit me after school the second day I was in the hospital. No one knew the facts. No one but Robert and myself. Had he told his parents? I had decided not to tell mine. It was bad enough having them lecture me about drinking. I didn't need them to tell me how stupid I was and how I had ruined Robert's life. I knew that already. It's all my fault? I tried to shut the words out of my mind, but the words just repeated themselves.
"Time for lunch," the short blonde nurse said as she entered the room. It was not an eatable treat and when she left, I flushed everything but the bread and the pudding down the toilet. I was finishing the pudding when she returned.
"Well, all finished," she said as I lowered the spoon.
"Yep," I said. She looked at the somewhat messy tray and back to me.
"I thought it would taste better if I mixed it up. Can I go out now?"
"All right. Come on." She helped me into the wheel chair that had been sitting dormant beside the night table. She knew I didn't need it, but hospital rules. I had given up on protesting, even though sitting in it made me think of Robert. I hated this wheelchair. I hated all wheelchairs. It made me feel better to hate the wheelchairs, than to hate the person who caused herself, and her, what was he, boyfriend or ex, to be in one. I had spent my whole time in the hospital hating myself. Wishing I could make things better, the way Robert always had.
"Here we go," she said cheerfully wheeling me into the hall. "Why don't we go down this way?" She turned the chair in the opposite direction of our usual course.
"No," I said, almost shouting. "I'm sorry. I'd like to go straight down the hall today." I pointed in the opposite direction and looked into her eyes. I had to know if Robert was still in the hospital. She stared down at me and then turned the chair around. I let out my breath and then settled back into the chair.
It seemed like it took us forever to get down to the other end. We were two doors away from my destination when I felt the chair turning. "Please, let's go all the way down," I said in my nicest tone.
"It's your call." She straightened the chair out and then continued down the hall. We passed the first door, and then the second. It was partially open, and I could see his mother sitting in a chair near the bed.
"I'm tired," I said, giving a big yawn as we reached the end of the hall. "Can we go back?" I was glad to see that Robert hadn't left without saying anything to me.
"Are you sure? We haven't been out that long."
"I want to get some rest before dinner." I said. I want time alone to think, I thought. She took me back to my room and after helping me back into the bed, left me to my thoughts. I lay on my back and stared at the familiar ceiling. Gazing at it, I remembered the cool look on Robert's face as my eyes took in the whiteness of his casts. He's had time to think Vanessa, my thoughts reminded me. I'd had time to think. I couldn't put it off any longer, I had to talk to Robert. My world would either come down, or stand firm. I prayed as I closed my eyes that all would turn out as it had in my dreams, instead of in a nightmare.
I woke up automatically. I knew without checking my watch, which lay on the night stand, that it was late. I looked toward the window, the stars were hidden behind the blinds. I pushed the sheet from over my body with my left hand and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Dear Lord, let him forgive me, I prayed. The coolness of the floor crept up my legs, over my back, until the hair on my neck stood up. And if he doesn't? I grabbed the robe my mother had bought me from the gift shop, and slipped my left arm into it. After several tries, I got the other side to drape across my right shoulder. In the dark I couldn't find the slippers that had come with the robe. Not wanting to alert the night nurses, I had left the light off. No one was going to stop me from doing what I had to do. I walked to the door and opened it a crack. I looked down the hall, away from Robert's room. The hall was empty. Opening the door farther, I stuck my head out and looked in the opposite direction. Nothing, everything was dark, and there were no sounds. I slipped through the crack and shut the door quietly behind me.
My heart beat louder than it ever had before. It was louder than anytime I had snuck out of the house, and louder than the time I had almost gotten caught. I looked around to see if anyone had heard it, and had come from the nurses station. No one came. I almost wished someone would. I continued down the hall. Sweat poured down my face, my neck and into the cast. I could feel the itching sensation growing from under my arm and spreading to my back. I stopped as I stood in front of the closed door. I raised my left fist to knock, but then lowered my hand to the cool knob. Knocking would alert the nurses. Twisting it slowly, I pushed the door open and slid into the room.
"I knew you would come," the voice in the darkness scared me.
"You did?" My voice was shaky. Just say what you came to say, I told myself. I walked slowly in the darkness, hoping his room was set up as mine was. There was no light, accept from the crack under the door. The blinds had been closed.
"It's just like you," his voice held no feeling still, no caring. I hadn't expected it to. "My mother was here earlier. She told me she talked to your doctor, and he told her you were going to be released. Anyway, I just knew."
"Oh," I began. I didn't know how to start. "Robert, I..."
"Save it Vanessa. I don't want to hear it."
"I want to hear it," I said, feeling my way around the bed until I knew I was standing near his head. If I didn't say it, he would never know how sorry I was. I felt for the lamp switch and turned it on, sending a white hazy light across his body. His legs were covered by the sheet, but he was sitting upright. "I need to say it." My throat was dry. I wanted to see the soft brown eyes again, but as he stared at me, I knew, "You can't know how sorry I am," I began. I knew I would never see them again. "You can't know how miserable I felt after you left me the other night. It would have been easier for me to deal with your death."
"Really," he didn't blink.
I continued. "But to deal with this," I said indicating to his covered legs, "To deal with having to see you like this is much harder. I don't expect you to still care for me."
"I don't." I ignored his words. I was surprised that they didn't cut into me as they had that first night. Nothing could hurt me as much as I had hurt myself.
"I don't even expect you to forgive me, but I had to let you know. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry. If I had to do it over"
"You would have done the same thing. Hind sight is 20/20 Vanessa, remember?" I would always remember. " Are you finished," he asked.
"I... I guess so." Everything that could be said had been.
"Good, then if you don't mind," he said, leaning over and switching the light off, "I would like to get some sleep."
I stared into the darkness, and then felt my way around the bed. There was nothing more to say. I couldn't take back what had happened. I knew that and he did too. Forgiving me wouldn't make him better, and it wouldn't take back what I had done. I stopped when I reached the end of the bed, but then continued until my hand touched the cool knob. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't take away his pain, nor mine. I couldn't give him back his dreams. I knew then that the memories we had, and of that horrible night would stay with me forever. I turned the knob slowly and walked quietly out the room. No I would never forget and I would never be forgiven.
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