Pete Townsend and Pee-Wee Herman To Form Child Porn Actors Guild

NEW YORK -- Paul “Pee-Wee Herman”  Ruebens and veteran rocker Pete Townshend announced plans Friday to form the first labor union 

dedicated to the plight of children in the pornography industry. Their ambitious Child Porn Actors Guild (CPAG) aims to raise the bar on working conditions when it comes to youth in porn. One issue the Guild will address in particular is the legality of the children who act in porn.                             

Pee-Wee Herman reacts in 

horror to the thought of having 

sex with an adult woman

“We get a lot of Mexicaaans! -And other illegal immigrants stateside who are willing to work for just one pack of Pokeman cards, thus putting many American kids out of a job,” the former Pee-Wee’s Play House star told reporters. “And that’s just not riiiight!(giggle)”

The Guild aims to mandate a thorough background check on all children who act in hard-core pornographic films to make sure they are in fact American citizens.

“The set of a child pornography shoot isn’t the happy, fun bed of roses that you would expect,” Townshend declared. “I’ve been doing a lot of research on the subject and something needs to be done.”

Ruebens added that a porn shoot should be an inviting and warm place for children. The pair then unveiled the Guild’s mascot Dilly The Dildo, a six-foot tall talking sex toy with silly eyes and a happy demeanor who will educate school children on the rewarding life experiences, joy and fulfillment of working in child pornography while under the right labor conditions.

“Today’s secret word is Workers Rights.” Reubens said with his trademark queer little smirk, which made some of the child porn directors present a little uncomfortable.

“Man, is he gay or what?” questioned Les Graham, the director of Toddlers Gone Wild, a film that Pre-Teen Titillation Magazine calls “a tastefully done erotic romp through Panama City Beach’s daycare centers.”

However, not everyone was happy about the new kiddy porn guild, with many seeing its creation as horrifying and offensive. In particular clergy members were quick to denounce the CPAG, citing that the union’s demands would put a strain on the limited budgets of independent child porn producers.

“What ever happened to giving art back to the people?” a Boston area Bishop contended. “By unionizing child porn actors, and adhering to these outrageous demands, it will make it impossible for fresh young talent to compete with the deep pockets of the major child porn studios.”

Supporters of the new union include the North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) who hails the guilds creation as “A triumphant return to morals for a nation that has lost focus on its children,” The group of child molesters said in a press release.  “We must invest in the future, and children are our future.”

A teary eyed Sally Struthers was also on hand to ask for donations for the CPAG. “With just one dollar a day you too can make a difference by putting a smile on these children’s faces... and the grotesque face of Michael Jackson.”