Close up of People Magazine with Luke Woodam on the cover- Scotch lowers it- he smiles slyly.
Scotch: “Sure mom. I’d be happy to.”

Voice: “Now she will die!”

Cut to Scotch walking down street.
Scotch: voice over “I had almost reached the store when I heard what I dreaded most. That preppy bastard Mike, with his car and lacrosse stick coming at me from down the road. I turned to run, but it was to late.”

Cut to Mike hanging out of car window, with a lacrosse stick and ball.
Mike: “I’m gonna kill you, you scrawny little fuck! You better not run ‘cause I’m gonna use your ass for goal practice!” He laughs histerically. The car races towards Scotch. Cut to Scotch getting hit with ball. Then back to car speeding down the street and stopping as he turns the other way to run. Mike gets out of the car and Scotch stops.

Scotch: “Leave me alone- I didn’t do anything to you. You don’t have any of your friends or coaches around to impress, so get the fuck out of here.”

He moves closer as he speaks and pushes Scotch backwards.
Mike: “I’m not here to impress anybody but myself. And I’m pretty proud of my accomplishments. I just feel like taking some aggression out on you, that’s all. Big game tonight. Think I’ll get pumped up by kicking some tool ass. But on the other hand if you some how manage to squeal and get me in trouble like you did last time- Now we wouldn’t want to hurt the All Stars chance of playing in the game now would we? By the way, I got big plans for your pay back- you little dickhead. I think today I just want to hear you to apologize for being such an ugly sack of shit.” getting violently angry. “That’s all you are. You have no purpose in life. No one wants you. Your a piece of shit! Just say it Scotch! Admit it and accept it!”

Scotch: “Go take your lacrosse stick and shove it up your ass.”

Mike grabs him and pushes him to the ground and he is forced to kneel before Mike.
Mike: “Don’t give me any lip. I told you what I wanted to hear and now your gonna learn! Tell me what a piece of shit you are!” Scotch stares up at him. Mike shakes him. “Don’t you understand? You should feel happy about what I’m doing for you. There’s a process of natural selection taking place here. Only the strong survive. You are weak. It is my duty to make sure you know your place as a subhuman. Now say it! I am a piece of shit!” Scotch spits on him. Mike looks astonished, then raises his lacrosse stick to strike Scotch. “That’s it! You stupid fuck!” Cut to view facing Mike while he attacks Scotch. (He appears to be struggling with and hitting the unseen Scotch, while crys of “No!” and “Stop!” are heard.) As Mike says: “Shove the lacrosse stick up my ass-huh?”-he pulls up a pair of jeans and then turns the lacrosse stick and thrusts it toward the camera so that were it hits is not seen. The scene is cut as Scotch lets out a blood curtalling scream.

Scotch is lying on the side of the road all disheveled. He gets up, brushes himself off and buttons his fly. During this his voice over is heard:
Scotch: voice over “When I came to, my anal muscle hurt like hell. I couldn’t quit remember all that had happened, but I knew it was worse than had ever happened before. I had a deep hatred burning inside me which I needed to extinguish. What better way to divert my anger than by trying something new?” Scotch is now walking down the street when he sees a man hawking flyers.

Man: “Jealous of all your friends with nipple and tongue rings? Would you really like to impress that special someone with a big suprise? Then come to 5242 Franklin Boulevard and visit Wongs and Dongs- a tattoo and body piercing parlor that specializes exclusively in Penis Art.” Scotch approaches him.

Scotch: “Hey- can I see one of those?” Scotch takes the flyer and looks it over. “Wow- so like you can get your penis pierced there, huh?”

Man: “Yes sir! Any shape and size! We do everything involving the penis. Starting next week we have a deal on couple’s who’d like to have their penises attached.”

Scotch: “I might be interested in something like this. If you got your tounge pierced and connected the two with a chain, you’d be able to wag your penis right?”

Man: “Why yes! We have several clients with full waging capabilities.”

Scotch: “Sounds good. I’m in.”

Cut back to Scotch writing in journal.
Scotch: voice over “Getting my penis pierced wasn’t all that I thought it would be. It hurt like a bastard, but the whole time I kept thinking how much it would impress Deloris if I ever got to show it to her. I’ll have to wait to get my tongue pierced. The guy said that it was a delicate organ and he was only qualified to handle the penis.” pause- “Besides the fact that due to a minor complication I lost control of my bladder, I have grown to admire my penis ring and often pick at it during idle moments.”

Cut to Scotch walking in door at home then going to the refrigerator and taking out a ice pack. He sits down in the living room , putting a pillow beneath him on the seat and the ice pack on his crotch as his voice over is heard:
“After the humiliation Mike put me through and the pain I was suffering in my ass and crotch, I was further enraged to once again find Frankie masturbating when I got home.”Wet smacking sound is heard. Scotch yells out loud: “Frankie are you at it again?!” voice over continues: “Grandpa was coming over to make dinner so I decided to ask him what to do to stop Frankies addiction to his pud.”

Grandpa is standing in front of a big pot, stirring noodles on the kitchen table. Scotch is sitting in front of him.
Scotch: “Grandpa- your from the old country. You’d know what to do if you had a persisting problem, right?”

Grandpa: Italian accent “Ahh, yes Scotchy my boy. I know. You are upset about your brother Frankie. He is a makin everyone upset. Getting married without his moma’s consent- I never heard of such things.”

Scotch: “No, you don’t understand. It’s not that he got married. I could care less. It’s what he married and how much he whack-”

Grandpa: “You must a not worry over such things- you are to young. We will talk of other things. So tell me Scotchy, I have not seen you at the supermarket lately. Are you still working there?”

Scotch: “Oh. I didn’t like it so I got myself fired.”

Grandpa: “What!? Got yourself a fired? What is this? How did you a do it?”

Scotch: “I put a plastic bag over my head and waited for the customers to come through my line at the checkout. I scared some old mustached lady so much she had a stroke. I hated working there.”

Grandpa: “But why Scotchy? When I was a boy I a worked at the market selling fruit with your a great grandpa! Is a good job!”

Scotch: “Well the thing is - I can’t count very well. But I can prove these two fucking triangles are congruent.” Holds up two cut out triangles. “Ya know - helps me out everyday when I’m making change.”

Grandpa: “Watch a your mouth! Have you no respect? I’ll a whack you one!”

Scotch: “Sorry, Grandpa. Its just that Frankie is driving me crazy. You have to do something about him.”

Grandpa: “I said I want to hear no more of that from a Scotchy. Now hush, I must cook the noodle. The noodle loves to be cooked! I a make’a big pot o’ noodles for my grandson Frankie! He commin with his new bride! Frankie- he is a big disgrace to the whole family. He say he gettin married- we want a big Italian wedding. But no! He go off and alope somewhere. I forgive him- he is just a boy. I cook the noodle, the noodle make things right. He is a strange boy though. When Frankie was five years old and Scothy was a not born, I cook the noodle and have the whole family come for dinner. What is the first thing I see when I sit down? Frankie sittin there a’cuttin the noodle! I say Frankie- you don’t a’cut the noodle! You a’twirl it on your spoon like so! And he said no! I cut the noodle! And I said Frankie, you’ve got to twirl the noodle! And Scotchy do you know what he did? He got up on the table and pulled out his little prepubescent pecker and shoved it right into the plate of noodles and said ‘I’ll show you how to twirl the noodle, you miserable old fart!’” moves hips in twirling motion. “I laugh a’so hard a piece of string cheese fly right out of my ass and hit the God damn dog in the eye. When I was a done laughing I take my spoon in this hand and Frankie in the other and I say 1! 2! 3!” Whacking motion with spoon. “And a’ on the fourth one I turn it side ways and I shove it in there real good and tight and wedge it around a little - side to side like a’so! I say I’ll show a’you who an old fart is! After that Frankie was the best noodle twirler I ever did see!” door opening heard. “Ah! That must be Frankie now!” Frankie comes in with his right hand in his pocket. “Ahh! Frankie! Look at you! Come sit, eat the noodle! But where is she? Show your grandfather your beautiful bride!”

Frankie: “Ah -I’ve got to go to the bathroom - go real bad. Lot of water. Lesbians. Waitress. Girl at mall. Chicken.”

Grandpa: “What is this talk? Where is your bride and why is your hand in your pocket? What are you hiding from your Grandpa?”

Frankie: “I got to use the chicken- er a can.” Frankie goes in the bathroom.

Voice over says: “Two hours later.” Show bathroom door and Grandpa walks up to it.
Grandpa: “Jesus Christ! Frankie - how many times have I got to tell you? Stop’a jerkin off! The only meat you should be beating is the pepperoni onto the pizza! De pizza is a nice side dish to the noodle!”

Scotch: “Come on Frankie I got to go too. I lost control of my bladder.”

From behind door.
Frankie: “I’m almost done. These things take time. If its not done properly the chicken could become very angry.”

Grandpa: “I’s a’ gonna become very angry if you don’t get out here and eat the noodle! But I shouldn’t be so hard. You work your wrist muscles real good so you can’a twirl the noodle extra fast! But Frankie! Where is your bride? I haven’t seen her yet.”

Frankie: “There is some thing I have to tell you about my wife.”

Grandpa: “Did you’a bring shame on de family? Did you marry a man?”

Frankie: “Its worse than that. But I love her and you have to respect that love.”

Scotch: “I was trying to tell you Grandpa- if you’d only listen. -Come on Fankie I’m gonna piss my pants!”

Grandpa: “I’ve been thinking, Frankie. You and I are alike in a way- I enjoy cooking my noodle - you enjoy spanking your noodle. What ever you’ve done I’m sure the noodle will fix everything.”

Scotch: “My cock hurts so bad!”

Frankie: “OK Grandpa, here she is.”Frankie sticks his right hand out the of the door. It is dressed up with lipstick to look like a woman.

Grandpa: “What is this? That is not a bride, that is your right hand! You married your right hand! What the hell kind of country is this? First gay’s, now right hands? Next thing’a you know they’ll have guys running around with surgically implanted breasts on their thighs! You foolish boy! If this occurred in the old country they’da cut your hand off!”

Frankie: “Were Italian, not Arabian Grandpa.”

Right Hand: “I’m a person God damn it! You can’t treat me like this!”

Grandpa: “I’ll’a tell you if your a person! If you can eat de noodle, then your a person and you stay with Frankie. If no- then away you go. Frankie! Do she like the noodle?”

Frankie: “Yes, but she likes the chicken much more.”

Grandpa: “Good! I give her de noodle!” Grandpa lifts wooden spoon with noodle on it and feeds it to Frankies right hand, still sticking out of the door. “Look at dat Scotchy! She a’ devour the noodle! I a’ welcome her into the family!”

Frankie opens the door and hugs Grandpa. Scotch throws his hands up in despair.
Frankie: “Oh- thank you Grandpa!”

Grandpa: “Alas the noodle make things right!”

Scotch: “Oh great. I pissed my pants.” Scotch looks down at wet spot on his crotch. Cut to Scotch writing in journal. “Grandpa proved to be of no use to me in my dilemma over Frankie. Once again I would have to sort things out on my own. I was getting desperate. My own penis was starting to get infected from the piercing. I believed I had little time before my death to cure my brother. I tried to think of as many ways as possible to get Frankie to stop masturbating. I considered torture. If pushing needles into his scrotum and shoving pieces of alcohol soaked cotton swabs up his rectum while lighting them on fire didn’t work than I didn’t know what would. After some consideration however, I decided that this might be a little drastic. So I went to the guys for advice.” Cut to guys sitting around. Scotch has an ice pack on his crotch and appears to be in allot of pain.

Scotch: “Hey guys. I need to know what to do about my brother Frankie. He masturbates constantly.”

Rich: “I don’t see any problem there. Why do you have an ice pack on your little Scotch? Did Frankie yank it off?”

Scotch: “No. I got my penis pierced. It hurts like a bastard and I sporadically piss on myself.” sarcastically- “I wonder who could have put such an idea in my head?”

Stan: “Ya know, masturbating is a lot like taking care of your gun. You stroke, pet and clean it and it will shoot off nicely for you.” Stroking his gun.

Dave: “All good followers can masturbate at will by using their minds with the power the Dark One has blessed a pon them.”

Stone: takes drag on cigarette. “I like to masturbate when I think of all the tits in the world. There’s to fucking many of them! Like hey man - sometimes when I walk down the street I just go nuts looking at them. I can’t pull myself from their presence. They surround me! Tits here- there- everywhere! God! I would kill for some tits! I cant stand it anymore! Ahhhh!” Jumps up and runs out of the room screaming. Everyone calmly looks after him.

Rich: “I know where Stones commin from. I see tits and I become nothing. One time I got caught trying to blow up a military installation in Nevada. I would have drilled a hole threw the army asshole who caught me, except it was this gorgeous blond with huge cans. I dropped my AK and put up my white flag of surrender if ya know what I mean?”

Gets up and walks out of the room as he says:Scotch: “All this talk of breasts is hurting my wong and making me have to piss.”

Uncle Ned: “I would like to propose a toast! To females and their boobs!”every one picks up a beer bottle and toasts. (“Here! - Here!” ect.) “One time me and Roy put a picture of two big breasts on the wall and wacked off for nine days straight. It was the best fucking time I ever had.”

Roy: “Yeah it was great until you got your dick stuck in that beer bottle. I spent the rest of the night trying to yank it off. Never did get the ring pulled free. Can’t even get my five cents back.”

Stan: “You and Uncle Ned sure have done a lot of crazy shit.”

Dave: “Remember when Uncle Ned and Roy got wicked smashed and Uncle Ned tried to ride Roy to a concert and they caused that huge car accident. And then we thought they were dead, but they were just really, really stoned?”

Rich: “Oh yeah - remember when Uncle Ned blew pot smoke in his dogs face and it went out and wizzed on a electric fence?”

Stan: “That was my fence! I had to clean up burnt doggy dick for a week!”

Rich: “Or how about the time Uncle Ned and Roy shot up on Heroin and hijacked a tractor trailer full of JD and then Uncle Ned nailed the truck drivers wife.”

Uncle Ned: “I remember when Roy went on a wacky acid trip and thought he was a chicken. He went squackin all over the place. He was like...” makes chicken sounds

Dave: “He almost fucked a Hen if that farmer hadn’t wacked him up side his head.”

Scotch walks back in and sits down, holding his crotch with an ice pack.
Stan: “What about you Scotch? Do you remember any good stories about Uncle Ned and Roy?”

Scotch: “Although my penis hurts so much it’s hard to remain conscious, I do recall one Christmas Eve a couple of years ago.....” Zoom in on Scotch’s face and make fuzzy for flash back. “Dogs barking to Jingle Bells” is heard during transition. When it is clear Scotch is lying in bed with the covers up to his chin and a little “tent” shape in the middle. “Oh I hope I get everything I asked for. Especially a new pair of Star Trek tweezers. And not to mention a Self Testicular Examination Kit. Boy I better get to sleep or Santa won’t come.” Scotch closes his eyes and grins, then opens them. “I think I heard something! Maybe its Santa! I’m gonna go sneak a peek!”

Uncle Ned wearing a Santa hat is ridding Roy (with antlers and a big red nose) towards Scotchs house in the snow yelling “Ho! Ho! Ho!” They then ride into Scotchs living room as Uncle Ned yells “Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! That’s what I ate for breakfast this morning!” Scotch comes in the room in amazement.

Scotch: “Is that you Santa!?”

Uncle Ned dismounts Roy and Roy remains on all fours staring into the camera.
Uncle Ned: “No! There’s no such thing, kid! Scotch looks down in distress. But your pretty damn close! I’m Old Saint Ned and this is Roydolph the Red Nosed Fat Boy! His nose is so red because he has bit of a drinking problem!”

Roy: “I’ve also got VD.” Uncle Ned reaches over and honks Roys nose.

Uncle Ned: “And that’s because when your were done boozin it up with the Easter Bunny you went out and knocked up the Tooth Fairy!”

Scotch: “Are you going to give me any presents now?”

Uncle Ned: “No, I’m too tired from all that flying around on Roydolph. Right now Old Saint Neds gonna crawl up the chimney and light a big fat doobie!”

Scotch: “But I don’t have a chimney and I want my presents!”

Uncle Ned: “Well in that case the only present I have is for Mr. Liver!” Uncle Ned takes a bottle with a brown paper bag around it, out of his toy bag, unscrews the top and takes a big gulp. Dave the Cult Leader walks in with a cat in his arms petting it slowly.

Uncle Ned: “Well hey! What’s the story mornin glory! What aya doin with that pussy!? pointing at cat.

Scotch: “Oh that’s Dave the Cult Leader - don’t mind him - he and his cult buddies go out and sacrifice a neighborhood cat every Christmas.”

Uncle Ned: “Well isn’t that a hoot! Has Davie been a good boy this year?”

Dave: “Why don’t you come over to my compound and I’ll show you what a good boy I can be.”

Uncle Ned: “I’d love to take you up on your offer, but me and Roydolph got presents to deliver! Namely child support to a young lady with whom I left a little present about 8 or 9 months ago!”

Dave walks in front of camera with cat.
Dave: “Come on little pussy we must be going - because you must be given to the Dark One.” - holds cat up and looks in its face, talks in baby voice - “Yes you - your gonna die isn’t that right? Your gonna die, yes you are.” Holds cat in arms petting it - starts to walk out of room and starts to sing: “Fluffy’s roasting on an open fire.”

Roy: “Boy- he sure knows how to get into the Holiday spirit.”

Uncle Ned: “Speaking of spirits - Hows about some Eggnog Scotch! And wasn’t that your cat?” Sound of cat yalping.

Scotch: “Fluffy! Oh here’s some eggnog I already made for Santas snack.” Hands it to Uncle Ned who downs it and then spits it out.

Uncle Ned: “You call that eggnog? This is eggnog!” pours paper bag bottle into mug,downs it. “AHHH! Now that tastes better then a woman! I better get a bowl for Roydolph.” Gets bowl out of bag puts it down in front of Roy who begins to slurp it up.

Scotch: “Now can I have my presents?”

Uncle Ned: “Looks like there isn’t gonna be any presents this year Scotch. Times have been tough since the Mrs. left me and we lost are job down at the mall right after Roy got caught molestin’ an elf.”

Roy looks up from bowl.
Roy: “It wanted it.” Roy goes back to slurping in bowl.

Uncle Ned: “So now we don’t have any gifts for the little girls and boys. Oh those poor little boys, they won’t have anything to play with, except themselves!”

Scotch: “That’s horrible! There has to be a way we can save Christmas!”

Just then Bartender Bob enters.
Bartender Bob: “I know of a way we can save Christmas!”

Uncle Ned & Roy: “Dude! Its Bartender Bob!”

Bob: “I heard about Saint Ned and Roydolfs troubles and I have good news that everything is OK.”

Uncle Ned: “Was it the elfs? Did the elfs pull through?”

Bob: “It wasn’t the elfs, it was the Mexican slave children.”

Everyone: “The who!?”

Bob: “The Mexican slave children. I have a friend at the bar who smuggles them in. When I heard that their wasn’t going to be a Christmas, I got a load of them together to make vats of tequila. We’ll give the children of the world tequila for Christmas!”

Scotch: “But I don’t want tequila! I want a pair of Star Trek tweezers and a brand new Self -”

Uncle Ned: “Shut your cock hole! Good job Bartender Bob!”

Scotch: “You want me to shut my penile opening? Whatever for?”

Uncle Ned: “No, not your dick- your mouth. Everyone’s always shoving their cock in there. Therefore its your cock hole! Ohh!”

Bob: “The migrant workers are great! They work for just pennies!”

Ralph the Mexican Slave Child is heard from off camera.(Mexican accent)
Ralph the Mexican Slave Child: “One penny! Two Penny! Three Penny!”

Bob looks down.
Bob: “Oh that’s Ralph the Mexican Slave Child! I rode him over here! Get up Ralphy!” Bob pulls up Ralph who is wearing a sunbrearo.

Ralph: “I am most gracious to Bartender Bob- man - He tell me that if I don’t make lot of tequila that Santa Clause gonna die. I pray to Jesus that this not true. When we riding over here, I saw Jesus on the street. He shoved a cats head up my ass and told me it was Gods will. I am most truly blessed.”

Uncle Ned: “Ahh. That’s so sweet. For a minute I thought I was going to cry, but then I realized I just have gas.”

A police siren sounds.
Bob: “Oh yeah by the way, Uncle Ned and Roy, or I mean Saint Ned and Roydolf, there’s a warrant out for your arrest since you broke into all those houses innocently trying to deliver presents.”

Uncle Ned: “Well it looks likes its about time that we skidattled. Out of my way you little illegal bastard!” pushes Ralph out of the way, grabs bag, gets on Roy. “With a puff on his doobie and a swig of his beer - Old Saint Ned shoved his finger up his nose and rode away on Roydolf the big fat queer!”

Cut to Uncle Ned ridding Roy outside.
Uncle Ned: “On Roydolph!, On Jeffery Dohmner!, on fat boy!, on fat boy! on fat boy! Dash away dash away and all that good stuff! Come on! Fly God damn it!”

Cut to Scotch writing in journal.
Scotch: “The guys proved not to be any help in my troubles either. I totally forgot about Frankie and told stupid stories about Uncle Ned and Roy until it was time to get ready for the party and my appointment with destiny. Reminiscing about them made me think of my own crazy past. The last time anybody invited me to a party was in 2nd grade. My friend Jimmy’s eighth birthday party. He invited the whole elementary. I had a great time. There was cake and ice cream and we played tag. I couldn’t have been happier. Then my father came to pick me up. He’d been drinking. I almost escaped without incident until he started hitting on one of the other mothers coming to get their kid. He got in a fist fight with Jimmy’s dad and that was the last of my social life for the next ten years. Although I had only known her a few days, I realized that Deloris was the only person who had ever in my lonely, miserable 17 years of life, been truly kind to me. Deloris was my only hope of ever finding love. She was my savior.”

Cut to Deloris pulling up in car, honks. Scotch holding a rose gets in. Cut to rear view in car-(camera from back seat.) He hands her the rose as he says:
Scotch: “This is for you. You look beautiful.”

Deloris: “Oh, thank you Scotch. Your so kind. This party should be fun.”

Scotch: “I’m sure everything will be fine.” Cut to car pulling out of driveway and driving off. As it does scene pulls back to show Stone, Uncle Ned and Roy watching them leave.

Roy: “Dude. I wonder where Scotch and that chick are goin?”

Uncle Ned: “I think he said something about a party. Be cool to check it out, probably got some beer!”

Stone: “Probably got some pussy! Lets follow them!”

Cut to Scotch and Deloris at party house. No one is there yet. They walk in and see a guy setting up band equipment.
Deloris: “Hi. Are you with the band? Jan told me a friend of hers band was playing at her party tonight.”

Band Guy: “Yeah I’m playing. Should be a killer party too-good opportunity to get people to notice my music.”

Deloris: “Well- good luck.”

Scotch: “What’s the name of your band?”

Band Guy: “Nocturnal Emissions.”

Scotch: “Isn’t that like when you gizz in the middle of the night? How’d you come up with a name like that?”

Band Guy: “Well at first we were gonna be Festering Rectal Itch, then it was Yeast Infection followed by Bloody Feces, Penis Scab, Tuna Fish Vagina and Permanent Painful Erection. Nocturnal Emissions just kind of came to me in my sleep.” Deloris looks at him weird, Scotch shows no emotion.

Deloris: sardonically “I think we’ll just go sit over here and wait.”They sit on a couch.“Scotch you seemed a little nervous on the way over in the car. Is everything all right?”

Scotch: “It’s all good. I just have some things on my mind that’s all. The past few days I’ve been real crazy for me. I have a lot to deal with. I’ve been thinking about you though. I want to- I want to be your- I want you to be my-”

Voice: “Scotch!”

Scotch: “I mean I really like you and-Deloris your so beautiful, Every time I look at you I want to go in the corner and jerk off. What I’m trying to say is - will you go out with me?”

Deloris: appalled “Scotch!”

Scotch: “I’m sorry Deloris. I didn’t mean it. I’m so confused.”

Voice: “Scotch!”

Scotch: “What I really want to ask you is if you’d tickle my Elmo?”

Deloris: “Awe- you have an Elmo doll?”

Scotch: “No, actually Elmo‘s the name of my penis. Will you go out with me?”

For a second Deloris is again appalled at his remark, but then smiles.
Deloris: “Your so silly. You were just nervous. Of coarse I’ll go out with you Scotch! Lets dance to celebrate our new relationship! While we were talking the party has already gotten started.” She takes his hand and they join a group of kids waiting for the band to play. The band guy says something to introduce the band and song and they begin to play. Scotch and Deloris are in each others arms dancing.

Cut to Stone, Uncle Ned and Roy peeking through door into party.
Uncle Ned: “Dude! Where’s the beer?!”

Roy: “I don’t see any! Man! This must be one of those wussy straight edge parties!”

Stone: “Good thing I brought some crack along, huh? The ladies love crack!”

Cut back to Scotch and Deloris dancing as the song ends.
Deloris: “Scotch, you look puzzled.”

Scotch: “I could have sworn I just saw a couple friends of mine walk by with some crack. You’re so toxically beautiful, I must be hallucinating.”

Deloris: “You get sweeter by the minute Scotch!” Hugs him. “Oh, no. Don’t look, but here comes that asshole, Mike you were telling me about. Maybe he won’t see us.” Mike walks up with friends and stands behind Scotch.

Mike: “Hey Deloris the Dumb Bitch! How’s it goin?”

Deloris: “Call me by my proper name.”

Mike: “OK, Dumb Bitch. Who’s the unlucky bastard that has to be your date?” Mike grabs Scotch by the shoulder and spins him around. “You! Well that’s perfect! Instead of beauty and the beast, it’s beast and the beast!” friends all laugh. “I bet you love playing lacrosse now- huh Scotch?”

Voice: “Kill him!”

Scotch: “If you don’t leave us alone-”

More Scotch!