ISSUES
AMUNG US…(Or)
…why we’re all going to hell.
Formerly
Dave’s Ludicrous Log(Names have remained the same to incriminate the guilty…)
Forward: By Ian-The Day Walker-Schachner
Well, it’s May 3rd. I have been asked by Dave to write the forward to the log, and so it shall be done. It seems like a typical boot night. All the members of the crew seem to be as worried about finals as…well…as worried about finals as you can expect us to get….meaning: Dave’s sitting here playing his guitar, Seattle is sleeping to regain the strength needed to order the DP. Dough’s when he wakes up, Jo seems to appear every once in awhile and says something DUMB (obviously the whole time avoiding eye contact), Ranji man comes out of his room, says something that he and only he can, and then goes back, Random Mike keeps popping the fuck outta nowhere, and me well…I am obviously busy not preparing myself for the finals ahead… all the while the boot showing our deep respect for quite hours with the gentle sounds of Korn and Rammstein blasting away. Yup, just the average boot night. By Saturday most of us will have left our lovely Boot having gone back to our ghetto ass homes. Strange thing how we’ve been here 8 months already (or "fuckin forever" according to Dave). Now we all knew upon arrival that life at the boot would be different. And I don’t mean cause we have to walk a flip flyin fuck farther than the rest of college just to get to our rooms. In trying to decide how sick and twisted we are, Davey and I once asked the question: "If these walls could talk…what the hell would they have to say?". So we thought about it. Our walls huh? Let us think about our walls! We’ve painted on them, thrown beer bottles at them, hung death threats on them, and had just about the most dumb as balls conversations possible within them. So one "night" around 4 am in my room, my boy Davey here has a stunning revelation. Life at the boot…Different? That night Davey suddenly realized that "Different" might be a bit of an understatement. How much? Well, that’s where the log comes in. What lies ahead are just some of our memories worth, and many not worth mentioning. Some good…some bad…some disgusting…and many illegal. This goes out to all college students who think that they’re dorm lives were the most messed up and different as can be. To them I say…. my friend, you don’t have a fuckin clue! Don’t believe me?….well check this out……………………………………………
Date Participants Time/Location Event
1980 Everyone Everywhere Class of 2002 born…human
evolution brought to a standstill.
9/4/98 Neil, Ranjit, Riley 10:00PM, Ithacan terminal Spur of the moment
trip to NYC where our 3 hero’s were anticipating rooming w/ a girl from NYU…the one slight detail was they didn’t know her name or her address, so they slept for 5 hours in a flea ridden dive and came back the next day.
9/?/98 Buff Eric, Adria, Ian, Phil Late as balls Ian’s layer After watching a
commercial w/ Demi Moore, Eric ( slightly fatigued) gazed deep into Adria’s eye’s intending to say "you’re prettier than Demi Moore". What he actually said, in the most serious tone, was "you’re not as pretty as Demi Moore".
9/15/98 Buff, Dave, Ranjit 2:00am, study lounge Songs about Justin
and Ranjit performed by Eric Buff, earlier in the evening was the first night Justin got drunk.
9/??/98
Dave, Phil, Ryan, Gordon, Ranjit, Buff, Adria, Jamal, Dave’s room The clique borrows Alex’scamera for the evening and decide to have a little fun: Phil sings Bloody Fetus as
Uncle Ned and dedicates the song to the children of Somalia," Ranjit gets stoned and begins to rant about Bill Clinton the "44th President" and Monica Lewinsky, he also shows off his G-string. Adria tells off Buff about calling her at 2am and proceeds to beat him, Jamal sings his operatic version of "Bloody Fetus," Phil tells Buff "I’m fucking you in the ass!" Dave drinks beer from a Tigger straw…that my friends, was an evening of full mung.
10/16/98 Ian, Nate Das boot, 2:00pm Ian and Nate vs. the Ladybugs
10/20/98 Ian, Buff Ian’s Room, 2:30am Ian’s defense of a Ruffles ability to
give good head.
10/25/98 Ian, Jesse, Ranjit, Justin 2:00am, study lounge Ranjit to Justin: " I may rape
but at least I get some"
10/28/98 Neil, Ian, Justin, Riley, RAJohn, Buff 6:00pm, Egbert Riley: "I don’t know
why anybody would wanna get fucked in the ass…ya gotta figure it would hurt".
?/?/98 Alex, Dave, Phil, Ian, Buff Late, main study lounge Dave arbitrarily
declares that when Alex walks into a room, all must clap.
?/?/98 Kara, Football Andy 5:00 PM, hallway outside Phil’s room Kara lies down in
the hall and fakes
an orgasm at the
top of her lungs.
Football Andy charges out of his room, and says, in a mildly irritated voice, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DIRTY HO!"
11/14/98 Ryan, Gordon, Phil, Ian, Eddie, Alex, Main lounge, 11:00 PM Channel 13, Ithaca
Adam, Ranjit, Buff, Jeff, Mike M, Kara, public access airs the
Stacy, Rufus, Kara, Stacy, Data pilot episode of
Blissful Idiots…Sketch
comedy for the
criminally insane. The
set was Alex’s Head,
How To Take A Wee
W/out Touching Your
Wang, Frankie: The
Guy Who Married His
Right Hand, Herm The
Hemophiliac, The
Ranjit Show, The Man
From Nantucket, Music
Video Outakes.
11/?/98 RA John, Riley, Eddie, Ian, Nate, Pete, Seattle, Alex Egbert, time unknown "Y’know what..? If it’s a
crime to fuck a dog in the ass…then I’m guilty as charged" – Riley commenting on the food.
11/16/98 Dave, Ian, Buff, Phil 4:30am, Ian n’ Pills room Discussion of
telekinetically induced orgasms and skits until the group’s laughter began waking people.
11/21/98 Angela, Alex, Mike, Dave, Buff Late as balls, study lounge Angela has 1 picture
remaining on her camera. Uncertain as what to use the last picture on, Alex borrows it and enters his room, where he shakes the hell out of Mike (who was asleep at the time) and takes his picture when he sits up.
11/?/98 Ranjit, Dave 9:00AM hallway/Dave’s room. "Ranjit…the next time you
yell "it’s snowing" at 9:00 in the morning, I am going to slit you open and disembowel you."- Dave commenting on Ranjit’s youthful enthusiasm.
12/1/98 Someone + a friend, Ian someone’s room, 2:00am Someone’s friend officially
inducted into hell: (He gets drunk as balls…pee’s on book o’ Christ)
After asking a disgruntled looking someone what was wrong, someone explains the intellectual dialogue of him and his excreting friend to Ian.
Someone: Dude!
Friend: What?
Someone: Your peeing on my books!
Friend: I know.
12/5/98 Dave, Phil, Ian 10:30pm, Dave and Phil’s rooms Phil and Dave, next
door neighbors, IM each other.
12/6/98 Dave, Jonah, Brian, Matt, Adam, 1:00am, Dave n’ Jonah’s Rooms Phone conversation
between Jonah and Dave about what to order....two people who live across the hall from each other w/ doors always open.
12/6/98 Dave, Matt 1:30 am in the elevator Ate dinner, and had a
philosophical discussion on the subject of ass grabbing.
12/6/98 Ian, Dave, Buff, Neil 3:21 am, Dave’s room In-depth debate
over Kermit the Frog’s sexuality.
12/6/98 Dave, Ian, Pete, Justin, Phil, Buff Ian’s room, 4:37am Justin: "If I just had
some fucking balls instead of fucking myself in the ass" and various other monologue.
12/6/98 4:50am same as above Justin stops drinking
12/7/98 Dave, Buff, Ranjit, Mike 1:40am, study lounge Eric squirts water gun
at Ranjit’s homework to simulate spillage, in order to cover the late due date.
12/7/98 Pete n’ Dave 2:25am, Dave’s crib Pete needs to print
something. "This is such a fuck ass suck ass paper," he says, describing the papers lack of meaningful content. After much childish laughter Dave abbreviates it "FASA"
12/7/98 Ian, Phil, Jonah 10:12pm, in the hall. "I wanted to cut my
balls off to take my mind off the smell"! (Ian giving his opinion on Jonah’s room)
12/8/98 Matt, Dave, Ian, Bridget 9:30pm, elevator Dinner and
philosophical debate on norms, abortion, the death penalty and religion
12/10/98 Ranjit, Justin, Josh, Matt 12:10am, hallway Justin and the crew
are making a ruckus, Ranjit explodes out of his room and screams at him, threatening him with such things as "I’m gonna fuck your dick" and "I will flush you down the toilet".
12/10/98 Dave, Pete, Buff Eric 2:00am, study lounge Pete enters, brushing
his teeth. Attempting to see what Eric has on the back of his shirt, he dribbles toothpaste all over Eric’s economics project.
12/10/98 Matt L, Dave 2:15am, study lounge Matt bursts in, singing about being
a freak, and proceeds to do some sort of tribal dance.
12/11/98, Justin 9:00pm: Justin resumes drinking (see 12/6/98)
12/11/98 Buff Eric, Dave 4:02am, study lounge Spontaneous recital of
various pieces from Les Miserables
12/11/98 Buff Eric, Dave 11:30pm Lisa n’ Julie’s room Repeated calls
to Neil by Eric, a call by Dave looking for Eric, a call by Eric looking for Dave, all placed on Neil’s answering machine.
12/12/98 Matt, Dave, Josh 7:20pm, Wegmans lot Matt puts a spoon under a cars
windshield wiper and Dave removes it. The two argue and Dave finds himself in a stranglehold as Matt wrestles him for the spoon and puts it back. Matt and Dave debate over the morality of what has happened and whether or not it is in fact vandalism.
12/12/98 SASP, cops 9:30pm, Das Boot’s lawn A Christmas tree was
found…one that was stolen by Pete several days prior. Cops pulled onto lawn to investigate…reported by Chad.
12/13/98 Pete, Neil, Riley 12:37am, elevator/hall Neil and Riley spotted
dragging Pete to his room telling him to shut up as he mumbles incomprehensibly.
12/13/98 Pete, Tony, Dan, Laura, Neil, Riley, cops, late as balls Pete confesses everything to
the cops and Tony tapes a fair amount of events leading up to it...copies available upon request. Such one liners were "I am waaaay under age" and "I grabbed that tree and ran!" Pete eloquently expresses his admiration for certain young ladies that he knows. He is then escorted to a nearby hospital where he rested comfortably. He was then threatened w/ arrest for harassing an ambulance driver. Pete also disclosed where he had been partying (Emerson) and the room number.
12/14/98 Buff Eric, Dave 2:30-3:30 am, Das boot Wondering around upstairs
backwards. Then proceeding to the main lounge and playing Ping-Pong with a piece of chocolate…then the ceremonial stacking of empty soda cans.
12/14/98 Ranjit and his professor, 9:40pm, Ranjit’s room Ranjit plays a message back on his
answering machine…it was one of his Prof.’s enlightening him that he had overlooked a final
12/16/98 Justin, Riley, Neil, Pete 7:38. Riley’s crib "Everybody gets a boner
when putting on women’s clothing"- someone on the Rocky Horror Picture Show "Why is that girls hand on the other girls pussy?"- a certain someone on porn
12/16/98 Angela, Mo, Jaime, Kristen, Jess, Angela’s Room approx. 9:00pm
Jaime runs infrantically and hollers, "oh my god, Mo has $100 bail, I feel so bad". She then runs out…someone busted for trying to buy alcohol.
12/17/98 Buff Eric, Ranjit, Dave, Laura 12:00am, study lounge Laura walks in, picks up
Ranjit and his sandals come flying off. Ranjit then attempts to do the same to her and he falls on his ass.
12/17/98 Buff Eric, Angela, Ian, Phil Phil n’ Ian’s room, 4:15 am Buffs argument that
because a gummy bear has no ass, a gerbil could not fuck it in the ass.
1/17/99 Ranjit, Ian, Phil, Ryan, Gordon Phil’s Room, mid-afternoon After returning
from a heavenly 30 days in Spain, someone recounts his epic saga of getting’ jiggy w/ a guy.
1/17/99 Matt L., Buff, Ian Study lounge, 11:00PM The settling of a fierce debate
between Matt and Buff on whether or not tapping the top of a soda can reduce fiz.
After Buff equally shook two cans of Coke, Matt tapped the
top of his, whereas Eric did not. Upon opening the cans, Matt enjoyed a cold 12 oz. can of coke. Buff on the other hand was busy mopping up the rug and finding a change of clothes.
1/22/99 Angela, Kristen roughly 10:00 PM, hallway
"Tonight we wanna dress likehooches!"
1/23/99 Ryan, Phil, Dave, Adam, Angela, Kristen, Alex ,11:00pm Study Lounge Ryan recites the story of Blinky and his
tale of Mung. A
strange escapade
involving a fresh
female corpse
and two guys with
serious issues.
1/24/99 Seattle, Justin, Eric, Lars, Dave Eric’s room, 1:30am John returns after
an evening on the town. The 10 beers he had consumed that evening decided they wanted out, and found a home all over his clothes. Justin was slightly aggravated and resided on Dave’s extra bed that evening.
1/24/99 Justin, Buff, Ian, Dave, Dave’s Apartment, 2:30AM
Justin, now residing on Dave’s topbunk, decides he wants to get down. After numerous failed attempts he finally succeeds, but Buff was, shall we say…in the wrong place at the wrong time.
1/24/99 Phil, Angela, Kristen, Ian, Dave, Buff, Gordon, Ryan, Mike, Phils Room, 3:00am Buff and Phil have a
water fight, waking up half the building. Phil insists on occasionally squirting Gordon’s nipples.
1/25/99 Justin, Josh, Ranjit Study lounge, 12:20 am Ranjit is required to
write a paper about a time he experienced fear. The scholar that he is, he decides to write about the time he was in a New Orleans cemetery and saw a ghost.
1/26/99 Julie, Eric, Allison, Data Data’s room, 2:32am Julie to Dave: "Dave,
the most Jewish thing I’ve ever done; I’m dating Jesus".
1/27/99 Ryan, Buff Eric, Data Data’s Room, 10:20 PM Ryan: Dave…Eric has
something to show you.
Dave to Eric: What?
Eric: Look! (he
shows Dave a website
where he can change
Miss. Piggy’s clothes, and put her into lingerie.
1/28/99 Ian, Seattle, Matt Lablanc, Data, Ranjit, Justin 2:00am , study lounge Entrepreneurial
speculation: Jesus H. Christ landscapers… "I died for your sins, you can let me mow your lawn."
1/28/99 Ryan, Ian, Phil, Eddie, Nate, Kristen, Angela, Dave 10:10PM, Ian’s room The gang is watching
The World According To Frank, who turns out to be a senior at Cornell (Phil called him after the show). Phil calls up and in his most evil voice screams something to the effect of "I am Satan! Stop impersonating me! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHH!" Then it was Ian’s turn to call and make fun of Franks twitching, and call him a retard. Then Ryan made the grand finale by calling and explaining on the air, the secret…of MUNG. Additional commentary by Adam: So this guy’s parents are paying $30K for him to scare small children? How proud they must be!"
1/29/99 Phil, Dave 1:00AM, study lounge According to Phil, Dave is a
dick because he wouldn’t let someone he had never met sleep in his room.
1/29/99 Seattle, Matt L., Dave 2:02AM, study lounge Dave halls in his giant
stash of Reese’s Pieces. The three slowly begin to toss them in the air and catch them w/ their mouths. This turns into a fierce competition to see who can catch the most, though in the end there were more on the floor than got eaten at all. They all managed to catch 2 at a time before calling it quits.
1/29/99 All the usual suspects (see every other day). 11:00 PM, hallway 10+ people just hangin’
in the hall, for lack of anything better to do. Tales of Mung are passed around at random, Buff sits sipping a wine cooler as RA’s walk by. Ian calls the info desk and hits on the operator. Kristen and Angela practice Jazz.
1/30/99 Alex, Ryan, Data, Matt L. 1:00AM, elevator Ryan, Alex and Dave decide
to bring a couch into the hall, since that’s where they were at the time. When it was suggested that this may be a slight fire hazard, it was noted that the fire extinguisher was right in front of them. Then they decided to bring it into the elevator, so when Dave gets up he mashed Ryan’s toe…he got to ride the couch as Alex and Dave pulled it in, and closed the door a moment before Lt. Dan strolled by. Matt then came along for a ride before Lt. Dan intercepted them on the 2nd floor.
1/30/99 Justin, Josh, Mat L., Dave 5:31PM, hallway Josh slaps Matt in the gut,
Matt cries out "my iron lung!" Dave says, "he’s all about hitting your iron lung". Justin says, as he walks into the bathroom, "I’m gonna take an iron shit".
1/31/99 Kristen, Ryan, Angela, Phil, Buff, Dave 11:30PM, Dave’s pad, Angela’s Crib Ryan, who lives in
Terrace 6, and Kristen, who lives in the East Tower, meet at The Boot to make out, where Ryan continually hits his head. Buff hits on Angela, then writes a song about it. Phil confesses to his unrelenting desire to give birth to Buff.
2/1/99 Ian, Dave, Jonah Afternoon Dave’s Room Boothroyd displays their vast
knowledge of Jewish history:
Dave (on Jewish holidays): So is
purim the one where you build
that house?"
Jonah: No that’s Sukkot.
Dave: So which ones Purim?
Ian : When you tear it the fuck
down.
2/2/99 Josh, Mike, Alex, Dave 8:35, elevator The doors close…Alex says "Watch
out Dave, when the doors close it’s on". Alex, Mike and Josh begin to pound the crap out of each other while the elevator is in motion, Dave stands there with a not so bright look on his face.
2/4 /99 Jonah,Buff, Phil, Ian Ian’s room, 3:00PM Ian receives a pimpin’ leather
jacket. Jonah tells him that he looks like a pimp who treats his ladies right!
2/9/99 Phil, Ian 2:21AM Phil’s Pad Phil finds the official Mung homepage
2/10/99 Gordon, Ian, Phil 1:00AM, Ian’s room Ian and Phil are asleep by 1:00,
which in itself is an achievement. Gordon awakens them with a phone call. Ian passes the phone to Phil, and Gordo inquires as to the pregnant Mung
2/10/99 Ranjit, Ian, Dave 4:00PM Boothroyd approach The 3 are returning from
the mailboxes, where they were surprised to find several far from sterilely wrapped rubbers in each box mail compartment. Ranjit makes it a point to crack one open, play with it, blow it up, swing it around and make a general fool of himself as people who are unfamiliar with the Boothroyd’s watch in silent awe.
2/14/99 RA John, Adam, Dave, Alex 2:38AM, Dave’s room "I gotta do something
stupid to get into this"…RA John commenting on the Ludicrous Log.
2/17/99 Ian, Dave 4:25PM, study lounge Ian and Dave are dismayed that the
room has been rearranged, resulting in the dismantling of their favorite study spot. The two aggressively rearrange the entire room, and leave a note strongly suggesting that it not be moved again ("Move this and get cut- Ian and Dave").
2/21/99 Allison, Eric, Dave 5:30am, Dave’s Place A stroll down memory lane
leads the trio to singing such timeless classics as "Miss Lucy had a Steamboat" and "Miss Mary Mack"…then Ranjit wandered in high on LSD (light up some dumb-ass) gawking at anything that was red.
2/24/98 Ian, Seattle, Ryan, Dave Study lounge, 1:55AM Ian sits explaining his idea
for a new sup-hero to John, when Ryan’s head slams into the glass window and a good laugh is shared by all.
2/25/99 Kara (Shotgun), Phil, Damian "the great" Pegasus studio, 10:00pm
Words can not
adequately describe what the town of Ithaca bore witness to that evening. Suffice it to say that we were appalled at the lack of illness.
2/?/99 Nate, Seattle Hallway, 10-11PM Nate shares a few drinks w/ the hall carpet .
2/28/99 Justin, Ian, Eric, Allison, Eddie, Dave, Alex, Ranjit 12:35am, hallway Justin gives up
drinking (see 12/11/99)
2/28/99 Boothroyd Hall late as balls Cops visit, chill with Ian and watch a
little b-ball
2/28/99 Boothroyd Hall later as balls Cops return
2/28/99 Boothroyd Hall as late as balls can get Crew party broken up.
2/29/99 Ian, Phil, Dave 4:36 PM, Ian and Phil’s room A troubled Ian lies awake
in his bed, tossing and turning, thinking of nothing but the immense load of school work he must deal with in the night to come. Dave, a similarly overloaded student enters the room and shows that he too is just as concerned with his work by presenting the question "How do you spell Douche bag?"
3/3/99 RA John, Dan, Jonah Morning Duzzi’s Room For John’s 20th birthday A large
picture of a stripper is hung,
encompassing John’s entire doorway, with the phrase "Hey Johnny, enjoy your stripper."
3/3/99 Jonah, Dave 9:40PM, Dave’s ghetto-ass room Jonah, while on AOL on
Dave’s PC, IM’s Dave’s instant messenger account, and Dave is dumb enough to stop eating and IM him back.
3/5/99 Lars, Nate, Seattle, Alex the beer keeper, Nate’s room 11:00PM While watching The
Last Boy Scout, and beginning to "get his drunk on", Dave says "I don’t know about you guys, but I like watching people die". Alex declared the beer keeper.
3/6/99 Alex, Chad, Nate, Dave, Rufus Hallway, 3:00AM Bowling w/ beer bottles. RA
Dan has a good laugh.
3/15/99 Dan, Riley, Lt. Dan’s barracks "Isn’t homosexuality kind of like asthma?"- Riley
3/16/99 Jules, Ranjit, Dave Dave’s crib, 12:03AM Fierce debate over whether or
not Julie, by dating Jesus (see 1/26/99), has done the most Jewish thing ever. Ranjit counter’s that dating Abraham would be more Jewish. It just so happens that the 2nd Chanukah song was playing at the time.
3/17/99 Eddie, RA John, Lars, Phil, Dr. Shoebe, Laura 7:30PM, TV Lounge While enjoying
Laura’s program on women and rape, Eddie remarks "if the woman isn’t going to say anything about it, then it must be ok to burn the guy."
3/19/99 RA John, Nate, Riley, Jess Nate’s room RA johns explains his one liners for
dumping women: "I love you but I’m not in love w/ you", "girlfriends come and go but friends last forever"…then Riley proclaims "I use, ‘I love you, and girlfriends come and go, but a blowjob only lasts 30 seconds"- RA John screaming for the ludicrous log.
3/19/99 Mike, Lee, Justin, others Mike n’ Lees room, 10:10PM Cops drop by to say hello.
Crew party broken up in the same room for the 2nd week in a row…some time between now and 2/28/99 Justin, aka the "V-Man," has resumed his weekly consumption of alcoholic beverages.
3/19/99 Ian, Eddie 10 PM Egbert Ian and Eddie do their share to keep the
community informed by posting a note outside Egbert: Ithaca College’s Annual Livestock Slaughter to take place the following evening.
3/20/99 Adam, Alex, Random Mike, Dave, Matt, Josh Lobby, 11:30PM
Adam and Dave
liberated a few chairs and a couch from the lounge, and dinner was eaten at a large table against the window…Dave takes pictures.
3/21/99 Ian, Dave, Phil, Ryan 9:45PM, Ian’s room "I’m sensing some tension
between Steven Tyler and the 4500 guests that wanna have sex w/ his daughter"- Ian on the Academy Awards.
3/22/99 Justin, Alli, Eric, Dave 2:04Am, Dave’s room Justin is venting his
aggression on how he feels that Ian and Eddy are preventing him from studying…then as his rage reaches a climax, he adds that he wishes he could play guitar (Buff was jamming).
3/22/99 Dave, Ian, Eric, Alex, Phil 10:30ish Dave’s Room Discussion over what to
rename the Ludicrous Log. Some preliminary ideas were "Dealing w/ Issues" (-Jonah), "The Issue’s Superhighway", "Issues…. FUCK!", "The River of Issues", "Drowning In Issues", "The Symphony of Issues."
3/24/99 Lars, the V-Man, Eric, Ian, Dave 2:08:35AM Eric’s room After much heated
debate the V-Man begins the forbidden word "cunt"… 2:08:37AM, the V-Man completes his task.
3/24/99 Lars, V-Man, Eric, Ian, Data 2:10AM Eric’s room Lars recites his
personal version of the national anthem… "CUNT, CUNT, CUNT!"
3/24/99 Lars, V-Man, Eric, Ian, Dave 2:18AM, Eric’s room Dave officially
declares he is sick of killing animals while being blown and driving.
3/27/99
Ian, Dave, Phil, Random Mike, Alex, Eddie, Jay, Seattle, Gordon,In a frantic last minute attempt to get
down town in time to see Phil debut his
3/27/99 Phil, fuckin’ late, Phil’s door "Note to self, never mention mung again"-Phil
3/28/99 Justin, Ranjit 11:00PM, Ranjit’s room Justin gives up drinking (see
the following dates: 12/6/98, 12/11/98, 2/28/99, 3/19/99)
3/28/99 Justin, Dave, Ian, Ranjit, Daji, Adam, Fran 12:23AM The V-Man comes tumbling
back after a night at the "moon tower". He finds a comfy spot on the floor and decides that’s where he will fall flat on his face, where Ian beets him with a shoe as Dave takes pictures…intelligence reports strongly suggest that Justin has given up drinking.
3/30/99 Eddie, Ian, Dave, Ranjit, Melanie Ian’s crib, 8:45Pm Eddie gives Ian the answers to
the Astronomy practice test, thus winning back his first born (see 3/27/99.
4/1/99 Ranjit, Dave, Matt, Josh, V-man time unknown "I want to see Ranjit’s tongue
ring about as much as I want to get run over by a truck."- Dave
4/1/99 Seattle, Ian, Eddie Fountain, Late A wild throw send the trio’s frisbee into
the fountain. Though Seattle offered to take one for the team and go get it, Ian didn’t have the patience to wait. The two could be seen charging through the mucky water while fully clothed fighting for the frisbee. Not to be out done Eddie joined the quest. Coming to the realization that they were all in the fountain at 4:00 in the morning, our heroes called it a night.
4/3/99 Alex a.k.a. the beer keeper, Ranjit, Random Mike, Dave- mid afternoon
New Boothroydian ritual: when
someone mention’s beer, one must reply "whoo-hoo!" and adding "football!" is an option (it should be noted that upon the mention of football, one must reply "beer!". When crack is mentioned, one must scream as awkwardly as possible and jump out the nearest window.
4/10/99 Ranjit, some Chasidic guy, Ranjit’s room, 1:30AM US time Ranjit feels like contacting
his boy Frank from India, but he gets his country codes mixed up, and ends up talking to a guy in Jerusalem named Yanosh Wiseman.
Ranjit: Hey, can I speak to Frank please?
Yanosh: Who?!
Ranjit (in tung): Is Frank
there?
Yanosh: indiscernable Jew Jargon:
Ranjit: What country is this??
Yanosh: Israel! This is Jerusalem!
Ranjit: Wow…wrong country!
Ranjit and Mr. Wiseman have a 5 minute chat about what great friends our respective countries are...Ranjit makes a friend!
1/15/99 10:00PM Football Andy, V-man, Ranjit Andy unleashes a heavy
barrage of water unto his unexpecting victims w/ a water gun the size of fuckin’ god.
1/16/99 Phil, Dave, Matt, Jonah Dave’s room, 1:20AM An outraged Phil, eyes half
closed, barges into Dave’s room while he is on the phone with his best friend OJ, demanding that Dave turn off his music. Dave kindly explains to Phil that he is mistaken, and that he is not playing music: "My stereo’s not on you fuckin’ herb!"
4/18/99 Justin…that is all An ill crew party Boothroyd must be caught in a
temporal causality loop, an event in time and space in which certain events repeat themselves over and over, for The V-Man has resumed his occasional tipping of the bottle. See 3/28/99
4/18/99 Dave, Alex, Random Mike Dave’s room, 3:00AM "Operation Dumb as Fuck" is an
astounding success…during which a couch is brought into Dave’s room. Two weeks later RA John will enter the room, discover the couch and say nothing about it.
4/19/99 Alex, Dave Alex’s room, ‘bout midnight "Dave rhymes w/ beer"- Alex
4/19/99 Ian n’ Dave, study lounge, 3:00am Ian is in the midst of writing the first
of many pages for an extra credit paper while Dave study’s for anatomy. The two find it prudent to stack a bunch of chairs on the table and try their damndest to throw as many paper airplanes between them as possible.
4/21/99 Ian, Dave 10:58PM, study lounge Ian explains to Dave the Yoda rule, where
when one belches, one must say "Yoda" as evilly as possible.
4/22/99 Ian, Dave, DF9 Jonsey study lounge, 3:10AM Jonah enters, shuts off the
lights, and threatens Ian’s life with a battery powered light saber.
4/23/99 Daiji, Dave Dave’s shit hole, 2:30AM Daiji n’ Dave entitle their anatomy
paper on race, "Racial Issues"
4/30/99 Daiji, Dave Textor 101 12:00PM Some "awkward shit" in anatomy
class. Drunken seniors line the back rows as they continue drinking themselves off the planet. Some scholar w/ a crown on his head comes tare-assing through w/ a water gun, another brought his dog to class, where for 40 minutes one could hear repeatedly "what’s up dog?" This lost it’s humor after the 30th or 40th time.
4/30/99 Eric, Dave, Angela, Phil Dave’s room, 1:35AM "Dave, next year we’re raising
a family of raccoons in our room."- Eric Buff.
5/1/99 RA’s Dan n’ John, Alex, Dave, RA John’s room ‘round midnight Dan threatens Alex w/
"going drag on him" in response to Alex’s battering, RA John screams for the ludicrous log.
5/1/99 RA John, Alex, mid afternoon at the cliffs As Alex struggles to stay afloat
while holding John’s towel, John diplomatically requests that his towel remain dry ("I don’t care if you drown Alex, just don’t get my towel wet")
5/3/99 Ian, Dave study lounge, 5:15AM After receiving help studying for a math
exam by Ian (who did a smashing impersonation of Professor Vanderzee, as well as Zorak) Dave (quite possibly the dumbest child ever) proceeds to rearrange every piece of furniture in the room rather than go directly to bed, despite the fact that his exam was 5 hours away.
5/4/99 Phil, Dave Dave’s room 8:49PM "He Dave, I just got paid $15 for talking
about mung"- Phil on his Chantaclear saga.
5/5/99 Ryan, Lars, Ian, Dave, study lounge, early as fuck Being that Ryan’s last name
is Christie, and he, as he says, managed to avoid a nickname for so long, Ian played off his last name and we now refer to him as "Christ for example".
Note to reader: those interested in joining the Puke Society of Boothroyd Hall, contact Pete (he’s not just a member, he’s also the president).
"AND THAT MY FRIENDS, IS
MUNG…"
Bonus:
IAN’S ILLEST IDIOMS
Written by Ian
Compiled by
Dave
"This music makes me wanna kick my own ass"
"I wanted to cut my balls off to take my mind off the smell"
"It’s <adjective of your choice> as balls!"
"I have the shaving skills of a dying 3 year old leper boy"
"Spankin’ it old school"
"Why do you exist?"
"I’m unfazed"
"Since u never do your laundry, you smell like a sweaty nut sac"
"Bitch tits"
"Dave will totally take your life"
"Let’s do this"
"I am all about wreckin’ some shit up w/ snow balls"
"Nowhere will you find a tall fat smelly Asian man, but there will be one sitting next to
me on the bus tonight…and he will talk"
"They should rename Boothroyd hall "issues hall""
"If this disk doesn’t work I’m gonna shoot a bus load of nuns"
"I’m sensing some tension between Steven Tyler and the 4500 guests that wanna have sex w/ his daughter"
"You shit more than god"
"I occasionally call people scum sucking pieces of shit"
"I’m about as motivated as a unick on a fuckin’ runway"
"Tear it the fuck down"- Ian commenting on what to do with a Sukkot once completed.
"Did I ever tell you, you look like a gay Asian phone sex operator?"
"If you don’t get blue cheese you won’t have kids."
"Do you take ‘in-the-way pills?’"
"Even Jesus waits for the Skinard solo"
"He’s about as quick as a dead raccoon"
"How ill would it be if we all smoked crack?!"
"Welcome back to the world of fuck"
"That was the most ghetto-ass, dip shit, numb-nuts late night"
The author would like to thank:
Aerosmith, Alex –The Beer Keeper-Morrison, for filming Dave’s Ghetto Ass life. Allison Sawczyn for the advice. Angela for trading pictures. Big Al’s, Blade, Blinky, Data, DF9 Jonsey for teaching me some ill phat guitar riffs. Eric Buff for creating the name "Joe". Freaky Phil Haney for the Blissful Idiots…on the other hand there was that mung thing… Geppetto’s, Gordon (we’ll miss ya buddy), Ian (the man, the myth, the legend) for the guitar. Ithaca Guitar Works, Jay Simpson for burning my MP3’s. Joe for being so damn DUMB, and a constant source of amusement at his own expense. Labatt, Layla (my guitar), Nate Doane for the use of his scanner. Neil for being a crack smoking idiot and moving the flip flying fuck out. RA Dan for his tales of Joe. RA John for all those late night updates and the ride to the Billy Joel concert. RA Laura for the ride back. Rogans Corner, SimCity 3000, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, The cast and crew of Star Trek DS9 for giving me 1 reason every week not to kill myself. The D.P., The pink power ranger, Tigger.
"Boothroyd Hall; thanks for the memories….
Now get me the flip flyin’ FUCK outta here!"
-The usual suspects