Uncle Ned & Roy's Big Mishap

Simon is sitting on chair, phone rings, he answers it.
Simon:  “Oh hi Sheela. pause Well nothing much. Uncle Ned and his friend Roy are
coming over and then if he got tickets from Bar tender Bob were going to the Dave
Matthew’s concert. pause.  Well he’s not really my uncle, but everybody calls him that.  I
don’t really like him, he kind of has this problem.  Yah, its his breath. Every time he
starts drinking he starts reeking. Oh well I think I here them coming I better go.  I love
you too. Bye, Bye.”

Uncle Ned and Roy walk in through door with beer bottles.
Uncle Ned:  “All right, hey there little buddy.  We got the tickets and were on are way!
Good old Bar tender Bob, always comes through when your down on your luck.
Whatdaya say we light a couple beer farts in celebration!”

Roy:  “Sorry, but I’m all out of juice.”

Uncle Ned:  “Well I got a plenty! Lets have it!”

Roy:  “No I mean my lighters all out of fluid!”

Uncle Ned:  “Well in that case whears your spirits there Simon were going to need a
couple for the road! And while your at hand me the car keys!  Old Uncle Ned’s gonna
drive ya to the show!”

Simon:  “I’m not going any where with you! Your to drunk to drive!”

Uncle Ned:  “Well if thats the way your gonna be then come on Roy were gonna hafta
play Simon Says.  Thats Simon says aaah! aaah! stop hurting me, heres the car keys!”

Roy and Uncle Ned get on each side of Simon and start pushing him back and forth,
while he screams.  Just after Simon screams “Oh God, please help me!” Jesus walks in
through the door.

Uncle Ned and Roy:  Dude it’s Jesus!

Jesus:  “Be calm my son. Stop throughing the small man around.  Be silent for you have
sined.

Uncle Ned:  “Oh, you mean when I lit that pipe and blew it in my dogs face and he went
out and wizzed on an electric fence.”

Jesus:  “No.  You are drinking cheap beer.  For premium belching effects you must drink
Bud Light.”

Uncle Ned:  “Oh thank you for your wisdom.”

Jesus:  “Also go to the concert without Simon, for he does not really like Dave Mathews
and is unworthy of seeing them perform.” Jesus turns and walks out the door.

Uncle Ned:  “Well you heard what Jesus said.  We better get going!”

Simon:  “Jesus?! You guys really are smashed!  That was Dave the cult member who
lives down the street.”

Uncle Ned:  “Are you gonna let us use your car?”

Simon:  “No way!”

Uncle Ned:  “Well  then come on! Down on all fours fat boy!  I’m just gonna have to
ride you to the concert!” Roy gets down as Uncle Ned takes off his belt to use as a whip.
“Lets stop by the convenience store and get a six pack! Maybe smoke a couple doobies
while were at it!  Yeah! Move it Roy Boy!”

Simon turns and looks into camera.  “While riding Roy to the concert Uncle Ned
swerved and hit an on coming vehicle which then caused a five car pile up.  He died on
the way to the hospital and Roy was totaled.  So theres a moral to this skit, ladies and
gentlemen.  Don’t drink and drive.  Or in Uncle Neds case, don’t drink and ride on a fat
kid named Roy.  I’m Jeff Falchi.  Thank you.”
 

                                                             Cast
                                          Uncle Ned..................... Phil Haney
                                          Roy...............................Grant Haskell
                                          Simon............................ Jeff Falchi
                                          Jesus.............................. Ben Rinaldo