Simon is lying in bed with the covers up to his chin and a little “tent” shape in the middle
Simon:  “Oh I hope I get everything I asked for.  Especially a new pair of Star Trek
tweezers.  And not to mention a Self Testicular Examination Kit.  Boy  I better get to
sleep or Santa won’t come.”  Simon closes his eyes and grins, then opens them.  “I think I
heard something!  Maybe its Santa! I’m gonna go sneak a peek!”

Uncle Ned wearing a Santa hat is ridding Roy towards Simons house in the snow yelling
“Ho! Ho! Ho!”  They then ride into Simons living room as Uncle Ned yells “Merry
Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Thats what I ate for breakfast this morning!” Simon comes in the
room in amazement.

Simon:  “Is that you Santa!?”
Uncle Ned dismounts Roy and Roy remains on all fours staring into the camera.
Uncle Ned:  “No! Theres no such thing, kid! Simon looks down in distress.  But your
pretty damn close!  I’m Old Saint Ned and this is Roydolph the Red Nosed Fat Boy!  His
nose is so red because he has bit of a drinking problem!”

Roy:  “I’ve also got VD”  Uncle Ned reaches over and honks Roys nose.

Uncle Ned:  “And thats because when your were done boozin it up with the Easter
Bunny you went out and knocked up the Tooth Fairy!”

Simon:  “Are you going to give me any presents now?”

Uncle Ned:  “No, I’m too tired from all that flying around on Roydolph.  Right now Old
Saint Neds gonna crawl up the chimney and light a big fat doobie!”

Simon:  “But I don’t have a chimney and I want my presents!”

Uncle Ned:  “Well in that case the only present I have is for Mr. Liver!”  Uncle Ned
takes a bottle with a brown paper bag around it out of his toy bag, unscrews the top and
takes a big gulp.

Dave the Cult Leader walks in with a cat in his arms petting it slowly

Uncle Ned:  “Well hey!  What’s the story mornin glory!  What aya doin with that pussy!?
pointing at cat.

Simon:  “Oh thats Dave the Cult Leader - don’t mind him - him and his cult budies go
out and sacrafice a neighborhood cat every Christmas.”

Uncle Ned:  “Well isn’t that a hoot!  Has Davey been a good boy this year?”

Dave:  “Why don’t you come over to my compound and I’ll show you what a good boy I
can be.”

Uncle Ned:  “I’d love to take you up on your offer, but me and Roydolph got presents to
deliver!  Namely child support to a young lady with whom I left a little present about 8 or
9 months ago!

Dave walks in front of camera with cat.
Dave:  “Come on little pussy we must be going - because you must be given to the Dark
One.” - holds cat up and looks in its face, talks in baby voice - “Yes you - your gonna die
isn’t that right?  Your gonna die, yes you are.”  Holds cat in arms petting it - starts to
walk out of room and starts to sing: “Fluffy’s roasting on an open fire.”

Roy:  “Boy- he sure knows how to get into the Holiday spirit.”

Uncle Ned:  “Speaking of spirits - Hows about some Eggnog Simon!  And wasn’t that
your cat?”  Sound of cat yalping.

Simon:  “Fluffy!  Oh heres some eggnog I already made for Santas snack.” Hands it to
Uncle Ned who downs it and then spits it out.

Uncle Ned:  “You call that eggnog?  This is eggnog!” pours paperbag bottle into mug,
downs it.  “AHHH!  Now that tastses better then a woman!  I better get a bowl for
Roydolph.”  Gets bowl out of bag puts it down in front of Roy who begins to slurp it up.

Simon:  “Now can I have my presents?”

Uncle Ned:  “Looks like there isn’t gonna be any presents this year Simon.  Times have
been tough since the Mrs. left me and we lost are job down at the mall right after Roy got
caught molestin’ an elf.”

Roy looks up from bowl.
Roy:  “It wanted it.”  Roy goes back to slurping in bowl.

Uncle Ned:  “So now we don’t have any gifts for the little girls and boys.  Oh those poor
little boys, they wont’t have anything to play with, exept themselfs!”

Simon:  “Thats horible!  There has to be a way we can save Christmass!”

Just then Bartender Bob enters.
Bartender Bob:  “I know of a way we can save Christmass!”

Uncle Ned & Roy:  “Dude!  Its Bartender Bob!”

Bob:  “I heard about Saint Ned and Roydolfs troubles and I have good news that
everything is ok.”

Uncle Ned:  “Was it the elfs?  Did the elfs pull through?”

Bob:  “It wasn’t the elfs, it was the Mexican slave children.”

everyone:  “The who!?”

Bob:  “The Mexican slave children.  I have a friend at the bar who smuggles them in.
When I heard that their wasn’t going to be a Christmass, I got a load of them together to
make vats of tequilla.  We’ll give the children of the world tequilla for Christmass!”

Simon:  “But I don’t want tequilla!  I want a pair of Star Trek tweasers and a brand new
Self -”

Uncle Ned:  “Shut your donut hole!  Good job Bartender Bob!”

Bob:  “The migrant workers are great!  They work for just pennies!”

Ralph the Mexican Slave Child is heard from off camera.(Mexican accent)
Ralph the Mexican Slave Child:  “One penny! Two Penny! Three Penny!”

Bob looks down.
Bob:  “Oh thats Ralph the Mexican Slave Child!  I rode him over here!  Get up Ralphy!”
Bob pulls up Ralph who is wearing a sunbrearo.

Ralph:  “I am most gracious to Bartender Bob- man - He tell me that if I don’t make lot
of tequilla that Santa Clause gonna die.  I pray to Jesus that this not true.  When we riding
over here, I saw Jesus on the street.  He shoved a cats head up my butt and told me it was
Gods will.  I am most truely blessed.”

Uncle Ned:  “Ahh.  Thats so sweet.  For a minut I thought I was going to cry, but then I
realized I just have gas.”

A police siren sounds.
Bob:  “Oh yeah by the way, Uncle Ned and Roy, or I mean Saint Ned and Roydolf, theres
a warent out for your arrest since you broke into all those houses inocently trying to
deliver presents.”

Uncle Ned:  “Well it looks likes its about time that we skidattled.  Out of my way you
little illegal bastard!”  pushes Ralph out of the way, grabs bag, gets on Roy.  “With a puff
on his doobie and a swig of his beer - Old Saint Ned shoved his finger up his nose and
rode away on Roydolf the big fat queer!”
show Uncle Ned rideing Roy outside.
Uncle Ned:  “On Roydolph!, On Jefery Dohmner!,  on fat boy!, on fat boy! on fat boy!
Dash away dash away and all that good stuff!  Come on!  Fly God danm it!