Roy is asleep on the couch with covers all over him, beer bottles and junk.
from off camera Uncle Ned is heard calling for Roy as Roy rustles a little but doesn’t get
up.

Uncle Ned:  “Roy!  Rooooy!  Roy, you fat S.O.B.!  Wake up!  We got things to do!  Dear
Lord! It smells like something crawled inside you and died!  Come On!”

Roy:  “Awe leave me alone Uncle Ned,  I was just having that nice dream and I got a
hangover!”

Uncle Ned:  “Well this ought to cure it!” Uncle Ned wips out a inflatable hammer and
starts  whacking Roy with it.  “Wake up sleepy head!  Both of em!”  Wacks Roy in crotch.
“Shake it off!  We got a ourselves a woman comin’ over!  A broad named Samantha I
met over at Bartender Bobs place last night!”

Roy:  “Does she have a friend, I can borrow?”

Uncle Ned:  “Now don’t you worry.  Old Uncle Neds gonna take care of ya.  You and me
are gonna pass her around like a bong at a frat party!”

Samantha calls from off camera then walks in.
Samantha:  “Is that you Uncle Ned?”

Uncle Ned:  “Well whatdaya say there little woman.  Roy I’d like you to meet Samantha,
Samantha this is Roy!”

Roy:  “She looks kind of familiar.”

Uncle Ned:  “Now lets get right down to business!  Why don’t you take off your clothes
and stay a while!”

Samantha:  “I thought you invited me over to make brownies?”

Uncle Ned:  “I just told you that to get you over here.  The only thing were gonna be
makin’ is woopie!  Now come on!  Uncle Neds gonna show ya how its done!”

Uncle Ned throws Samantha on the couch and just then Dave walks in and Trojan Man
music plays.
Uncle Ned & Roy:  “Dude!  Its Trojan Man!”

Dave:  “No it is I, David Prophet of the Dark One.  He has sent me to stop you from
joining the union of defective genetics.  If Uncle Ned and Samantha were to mate, it
would produce a hideous monster that would doom all of humanity.”

Uncle Ned:  “So what should I do?”

Dave:  “I want you to do the race a favor and go to the store and buy some protection.”

Uncle Ned:  “You mean a gun so I can shoot Samantha and she can’t bare my
children?!”

Dave:  “No I mean condoms.  Now go and let your little buddy be comforted by the
warmth and snugness of Laytex.”  Dave walks out and Trojan Man music plays.

Uncle Ned:  “You kids get to know each other.   I’m gonna go get some rubbers.”

Roy:  “Rubbers?  But you just bought a pair of boots!  And how you gonna get to the
store?”

Uncle Ned:  “I’ll hitch a ride with Oscar.”

Roy:  “But didn’t his car break down?”

Uncle Ned:  “Yeah, but I’m hitching a ride on Oscar!”  Uncle Ned looks and talks to
Oscar off camera.  “Oh look here comes Oscar now!  Hey Oscar!  Assume the position!
Were goin to the store!”  Uncle Ned walks out

Samantha turns to Roy sitting on couch.
Samantha:  “So what kind of music do you listen to?”

Roy:  “Mozart, Contemporary Jazz and Cannibal Corpse.”

Samantha:  “Thats nice.  So what do you want to do while were waiting for Uncle Ned
to come back with the slickers?”

Roy:  “We could watch TV.”

Samantha:  “Or I could show you a little game that we can play.”  Samantha smiles and
moves closer to Roy.  The scene changes and theres a close up of Samantha and Roy
smoking, with there clothes all messed up.

Theres a voice over that says: “Ten minutes later.”
Roy:  “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Samantha:  “Oh better!  You were so good!  Where’d you learn those techniques?  They
were amazing!”

Roy:  “It was in a book I read.  You should borrow it and teach it to your friends.”

Samantha:  “You were a lot better then my machine.”

Roy:  “Yeah, well computers are getting better at chess all the time.” As Roy says this
camera pans back to show chess board on the table.  “We’ll have to play again
sometime.”

Uncle Ned walks in.
Uncle Ned:  “Well I got the troop stoppers and were all set.  Now why don’t you get your
pretty self over here and show Old Uncle Ned a good time.”  Uncle Ned grabs Samantha
“Come on baby!  I want to sniff your hair!”  Uncle Ned grabs her hair and sniffs it as
Samantha pulls away and the wig comes off revealing that its really Simon.

Uncle Ned:  “Oh My God!  It’s Simon!  Ahhhhh!  Samantha is a guy!  It’s Simon!
Ahhhhh!  I came this close to making love to a man!”  Holds up fingers closely apart.

Simon:  “This wouldn’t have happened if you had tried to practice abstinence.”

Uncle Ned gets close to camera.
Uncle Ned:  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”