Folks, I's like to sing a song about the American dream. About me. About you. About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts-maybe below the cockles-maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we dont know.
(singing)
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job
My kids and my car
My feet on my table
And a cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
(oh no) Uh-uh (no way)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah)
Yeah yeah
(Yeah yeah)
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets
and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime
Sayin', "How 'bout this heat?"
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole)
I'm asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole)
I'm asshole
(He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Rainting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm
Wrong......
Nah!!
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole)
I'm asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
(Screaming, now, the ultimate ugly American)
You know what I'm going do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertable - hot pink with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather interior and big brown baby seal eyes for the headlights. I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph, getting one mile per gallon, sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned nonbiodegradable containers. When I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers, I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why. Two words nuclear fuckin weapons, okay? Russia, Czechslovakia, Romania - they can have all the democracy they want, have a big democracy cakewalk walk through the middle of Tianamen Square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?!
John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as soon as we find a cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15,000,000 times - thats how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin and Sam Peckinpah and a case of whisky and drive down to Texas...
(Hey)
and have a humongous barbecure-
(Hey)
we're gonna go to LBJ's ranch and start a bonfire
(Hey!)
and throw deer and rabbits and cats and old people, and-
(HEY!)
slow drivers and MIckey Rourke and -
(HEY)
(You know something? You really are an asshole)
Shut up and sing the song
(He's an asshole)
You empty little simp. I thought I was the asshole-
(He's a real fucking asshole)
And it was him the whole time
(He's an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
(everybody!)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
(barking),br>
Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
(snapping)
Chimg fump ching puh fluh cluh bing
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it.
